Staffan

It took a few years but I was able to find Korben. He's a man who doesn't want to be found, it's what he's always been good at, but we were friends, we were partners. I could find him in a dark room with my eyes closed if I had long enough. There had always been this subtle tug on my subconscious that kept pulling me east. Always east. I know now that it was the faintest memory of Ben, what his Void felt like, smelled like, tasted like. The moment I walked into Lower Light, the Void sighed in relief. She could rest, she didn't have to guide me anymore. Almost 400 years of guiding, and she was tired.

Still, I don't know. I'm an idiot for finding him. I know, I know he was better off thinking I was somewhere else, or dead, or whatever it was he thought. I know he was. But, I've never been a smart man, not when it comes to sensible, social things. One day I woke up and I wanted Ben back in my life in some way. Looking back at it, I wish I could slap myself across the fucking face.

The truth is, I just got tired of missing him. There's no grand plan, no big reveal. I'd tell him exactly what happened, and I'd endure the consequences.

Those consequences were to beat the shit out of me. I'm pretty sure he broke my nose, then broke it back into place, and then broke it again. I was spitting blood for days, and I deserved every last second. I deserved worse. I still deserve worse. I'm not the kind of guy who would come here just to get the shit beaten out of me just to make me feel better, to make things feel right, justified, no. I just genuinely missed Ben.

He's got a girlfriend now, which is great. I didn't come here expecting us to, well. Be like we were. I love him, desperately. I love him so much it hurts my chest to even think about him. I don't deserve any of it, and I never did because I am a spineless, useless hack, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I will give him that, though. Respect. I tried to tell him I still loved him, not that it mattered, but he told me not to. I'll respect that. Whatever he's got going on will stay his. I know I don't have a place there anymore, but I'm a selfish man and I miss what was mine. I miss him in bed with me. I miss his touch, his mouth, his bite. Memories to keep me warm, I guess.

I came to Lower Light without a plan. A goal, to see Ben again, and I did. So, I guess there's that. Small victories. I've been living under the overpass, there's a tent city here. The homeless are pretty great people, they've more or less been welcoming of me. I don't have a dollar to my name. I feed on the occasional idiot I find alone in an alleyway, but mostly the rats. I guess that's my civic duty to the thriving city of Lower Light, reducing the rat population.

Ben is living the life he deserves. He's happy, and he was happier without knowing I was a part of it. It makes me regret all over again. He's got a big, beautiful apartment at the top of a skyscraper. He can see the whole fuckin' city. He's got someone who loves him, who won't stab him in the fucking back like I did, and then come crawling back 400 years later like a wounded animal hoping to be put out of its misery. God, what is wrong with me? Why did I do this to him again? Why can't I leave well enough alone?

I don't know why Ben helped me. He hugged me before I left, bloodied and broken. I don't know why. I liked it, and I missed it, but god there was a part of me that wished he didn't. He lent me his suit. It smelled like him, and now I smell like him, and I remember rolling over in bed and our sheets smelled like us, the room scented with sweat and blood. They haunt me, these memories, and I deserve the hours of sleepless nights.

He got me an interview at the Council. That was... probably one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I don't know, they said maybe. They'd have to "consider some things." I know they're going to talk to Ben and it makes me wonder if he's going to change his mind. I don't know how me working for him is going to be good, he'll always see me, and I'll always remember. He'll always remember how he felt when I ruined him. Fuck me, I should just kill myself and be done with it. Retreat to the Void and stay there. Then he won't have to suffer and I won't have to remember, and things will be better. But, that's the bitch way out, isn't it? If I sit here and if I suffer every day for the rest of my miserable existence, that's getting just desserts and Ben has a little bit more balance to his world.

I hate sleeping under the overpass. I hate it. I hate this tent city, although the people are wonderful. I hate being cold, and hungry. I want this job. I want it so bad I can taste it, but hopefully I didn't fuck it up. I could stay in one of the safe houses, but I won't. There are good people who need that space more than I do. I'm fine being cold. The guy I was staying with kicked me out of his tent, I get it. Keeping his meager belongings safe. Ben asked me if I needed a place to stay and I told him no. I've got a sleeping bag. It's not much of one, but it's a bag that I sleep in so it's technically correct. Still, I wanted to say yes, but I didn't. I could always go to a safehouse. They'd make room for me, Akels always take care of Akels, but this is different.

I hope that by doing this it makes things right, Ben. I can never undo the shit that I did but know that I suffer every day for it. I suffer relentlessly and I know that I deserve it. I'm not the man I was back then, and I want to think I'm a better man now, not that it helps you.

One day I'll make this right. I'd die for you, Korben. Benjamin. My Ben.