Pokharaja

Pokharaja IC Journal

• Changes (WIP)

  (coming soon)

• Rings

  It's been so long since I've written anything down that I've almost forgotten about my journal. A lot has happened;changed even but for the better.
  
  The rings, I smile when ever I think of them it's almost hard to not too. I think of that day when my Lord told me things weren't as I saw them, but I was right. The light in her eyes when my Lord softly placed the box in front of her. It was then that I knew exactly how much those two cared for one another. I vow to hold their secret to my grave. It's getting harder and harder to contain my thoughts when I see the two of them together.
  I've been trying to stay on my chores, staying out of the way of the others. The giant that walks the halls still gives me chills when I see him, I can not help but duck around the corner when he's around. I know I shouldn't behave such a way, I just...can't get that image of him out of my head, the way he laid there before my Lord had taken me away. I wondered what they were doing but my lips wouldn't move, they just simply froze. Some days are best forgotten, I wish I could forget but it's burned into my memory.
  Oh! The garden is doing well, it's sort of become my go to place, my hide away so to speak, but I must confess, now that my Lord has told me what he and the others do I find myself stopping outside the doors that I've been forbidden to enter. My mind grows with curious thoughts as my heart races when I touch the door but I always run away when I hear the slightest sounds. I know my Lord wouldn't want me in there, my eyes to see what secrets lie behind those doors. Maybe one day, when he feels I am...ready, I will be allowed to peak into the door, just to take a quick glance...
  
  I should get back to my chores for now, I made a promise to myself to keep up with my writing, after all this is the only place I can truly let my thoughts out and if I don't start doing so again, I'll go simply crazy!!!
  
  (A flower can be seen pressed into the pages, more then likely from the garden she seems to love so much)

• Secret thoughts

  August 8
  
  I can't help but smile at the idea that this little journal was left for me, I do love to write, store my thoughts. It makes me feel...a little less alone, like I have someone to spill my feelings out too. Hmm, where to even start...
  
  My first night home, after everything I went through that night, was the biggest moment of my life. Everything changed for me, nothing for the worse but only the better. Perhaps one day I'll sit and write out what happened, but for now. I really don't wish to relive that horrible night when he took me.
  Anyway, things have been very well for me. Well...despite the learning curve the others have on me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for my Lord. I see in his eyes what he wants, expects even and it pains me that he has to teach me how to please him, touch him in a way he wants. I often fear that he feels I don't want him. I do...with everything that I am, I crave that man when he isn't around. My heart aches for him with every moment that he is away. I find that distracting myself ins't working anymore. Cleaning his house, tending to the garden, even cutting the jewels he allows me to isn't working. Is this what the other slaves talked about..this 'empty' feeling when they are away from their Lords and Masters? And what's worse is that it only fuels my curiosity even more so! Why won't he allow me in those rooms, what are they for?
  
  I...talked to Lanoire about the rooms, tried to anyway. She wouldn't tell me much. Though...she did give hint that if I wanted to see, I should just go look for myself but I dare not go against what my Lord asked of me. My sister slave more one morning, she asked if I knew what our Lord did for a living and when I answered her, she seemed to be shocked...as if I was wrong, or stupid for thinking such a thing. She knows something I don't but I suppose it's only natural, Lanoire has been here longer then myself, seen more. But to suggest that he's capable of hurting one of us because he wants to is just...I couldn't imagine the thought! He's so gentle and kind, loving even. I mean, yes I know he's capable of great things with his weapons but I mean, he uses them only when he needs to, like that night he saved me, brought me home. It's not like he just runs about stabbing people in the dark. I couldn't help but laugh that thought away, it's just not my Lord, not by a long shot. Anyway, talking more to my sister slave about our Lord she seemed as if she was hinting at something and when I pushed her more on any matter of the rooms I wasn't to go in, or what our Lord did in her eyes she cut me off as if I were a child asking too many annoying questions...I...I don't know, maybe I was but that look in her eyes she...I don't know how to explain it, it was like she was hiding something, but what?
  
  At times I feel so alone here, perhaps it's because I'm new...but the look everyone gives me, like I'm sort of dumb child being pat on the head and getting told to mind my manners when the adults are talking. It...hurts. No matter how hard I try, that look is always there in every ones eyes, taunting me almost. As if I'll never be on their level. I know my place in this house, but once...just once I wish someone would look at me more then just a naive play thing, maybe that's asking too much, perhaps that is my place in the eyes of the others. I shouldn't let it get to me, the only opinion that matters is the opinion of my Lord's and he always seems happy to see me. I do hope that this means I actually make him happy, even though I'm not as...skilled as my sister slaves. But mark my words...I will be, for my Lord...I will be and I'll do anything it takes to make him happy, because that's what matters most to me...my Lord's happiness....