Glass
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❝When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things
For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; but then shall I know, even as also I am known.❞
/////////////////1 CORINTHIANS, 13:11-12
////////////////////////{21st Century King James Version}
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What you don't know
—doesn't hurt you
While Gabriel Kingston is a dedicated father and husband now, there is a secret he harbours in his past. Good grades weren't the only thing he was keeping up when he was in highschool, nor was homework the only thing he was doing, because there was always something else. Someone else. Given his Catholic upbringing and strict parents, Gabriel and his brother Raphael, [ named clearly for the archangels to give them the best opportunities in life,] were immensely close and it crossed all the lines when they hit puberty and began discovering their sexuality with one another. Of course, this has never been discussed, even between the two boys, now men.
It is something stuffed into the past. Yet there is something invisible that lingers from those days, and it becomes apparent, like a weight in the air, when they are alone together in a room. The tension is undeniable, despite loving their wives. It is something intangible & insatiable, like a beast waiting in the shadows. So, even though it is something they both feel the pull of, like their history, they do not discuss it. Gabriel cannot speak for his brother, but there have been many nights where he has found himself unable to sleep due to pervasive thoughts, and seeking counsel from his God.
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Deeper still —
—are the waters in which I drown
There are too many times when alone in the dark, fighting urges to masturbate because it's against God when Gabriel's mind ventures too far down the rabbit hole. Thinking back to when he and his brother were teenagers, feeling arousal for the first handful of times and dealing with uncontrollable erections. This translated into finding sexual solace within one another, as being raised as they were, anything sexual was only equated to punishment and sin.
At some point, catching one or the other coming out of the shower or not, wasn't truly a homosexual attraction, but a need for pubescent release as approaching a friend or a girl whilst in school was out of the question and too much risk (at least to Gabriel). Especially since in that environment anything could have been reported to the Headmaster and ultimately informed their parents.
The end of the school day somehow became an anticipated occurrence, as beating their mother home from her daily errands & meetings with friends bought them an hour of free, unscrutinized time to do as they pleased in regards to exploring their sexual desires.
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It should be said that those moments were some, if not the most sexually gratifying experiences of Gabriel's life, surpassing those he has had as an adult. This is only emphasized by the fact that the man has only ever had two bed partners; his wife and his brother, Raphael.
Needless to say, Gabriel's sex life, though active thanks to his now marriage & despite it being different with a woman, is not why they are not as satisfactory. It is due to the very straight forward vanilla and missionary sex that it is. Whilst a teenager and being clandestine, (hiding from God more or less with his brother in those precious hours) bought a freedom of exploration and sexual sensation.
A good example of this is that Gabriel would be horrified to even think of asking his wife for fellatio. This is also because he knows that she finds it abhorrent and relates it to the porn industry, which is clearly a branch of temptation, and therefore, sin.
No matter how devoted Gabriel is to his God and no matter how much he prays to be cleansed of these impure thoughts though, the man seems to be getting no sense of peace. Still, he refuses to bring it up to Raphael, and would never dream of alluding to any of this in confession.
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