Delancy

I've been having a tough time sleeping. I keep thinking of everything.
This place has changed me for the worst. A male about my age and size was forced to act as a table for a being twice as tall. He could have been crushed, but the being was playing with him. Teasing to crush his spine with his weight alone. The blonde accepted it, and I said nothing.

I want to blame it on my discomfort, or from watching a man be crushed by a tree. But I know that isn't true, I know that I am slowly being corrupted. I thought my heart couldn't grow any blacker, that my failures as a knight would be my greatest, but I think allowing the corruption here take root in my soul will be my worst mistake.

I think I've grown comfortable in routine and my growing strength. Or perhaps I've convinced my self the Rah and his pretty Miss will save me. Even if they do, would it make a difference? I'd still be bound by the laws of this hell, and bound by a collar.

I'm so lonely that even a hint of kindness touches me. Miss gave me a new shirt, well one of the Rah's old ones, but new to me. She tailored it for me even. I cant remember the last time I wore such fine cloth, if ever. She even let me fetch my gloves. I quite like her, though I remain weary. I don't want her to think I'm an idiot, but its hard when the language we share is so new to me. I do hope I can see more of her. And the Rah, I want to prove to him I'm capable and not as stupid as people may think.

Things are often strange here, usually in a neutral way, because I'm an outsider here and not used to the excess of cultures. Rarely is it ever strange in a dangerous way.
Tonight was one of those rare times that this place is fiercely dangerous.

I was going between trainings, thankfully with sword, when I heard a lot of shouting and running. I couldn't help it, I had to check that people were safe. I've never heard of a 'mimic' before, but thats apparently what the thing there was. Black sludge with a mind of its own possessed the books, which lept and eventually became an entire being. It was a nightmare to behold, it threw a massive lady like she was made of cloth. Where it hit me in the face felt like a god had whipped me; it had the force of a train.

I can't imagine how such a thing could even get in to the library in the first place, I highly doubt something like that could wander in on its own. But I don't know a whole lot about them, and I was too worried about the rat man to ask more questions.

In fact, he did seem.. Oddly calm when it all broke loose.

Still, I'm glad no more lives were lost while we were in the room, besides that poor slave. If I had moved faster I could have saved him. I wonder who he was, and what brought him into the library in the first place.


I'll have to find that french lady and give her my thanks. I'm not sure we could have taken that monster down without her help. I do feel bad about her hands though, but she has help at least. Maybe I can help her with something to show my gratitiude. Hopefully she would have the large lady, I want to check on her too.

I saw the former Guard Captain, now 'Rah' whatever that means. I'm under the impression its a station of some standing, so I treated him as such. He said some peculiar things about my name being on his desk. I can only hope it doesn't mean I'm to be sunk into the ocean. He said I was satisfactory in my serving tonight, though I'm cautious to believe 'satisfactory' is enough to keep me fed and alive. Still, he worded it to sound like I was bewing given a chance, so I belive that is the case. Whatever my fate is to be, I find my self trusting this man with deciding it.

With him was one Doctor Rhet, a man who I assume is of some standing as well. He was friendly with Cross in a way I've never seen anyone else be. It was a bit odd if I'm honest. Still, the doctor was happy to have my as a student, though we initially didn't know who the other was. It took a bit of chatting to haver him recognize me as the potential student he had been told about. I have high hopes to learn from this man, especailly since his background differs so greatly from mine.

There were some friendly slaves too, one small lady with very large ears and tail, and a stripey pretty one. The striped boy was nice, but I fear he thought I was incredibly stupid. Which is fair, my common isn't exactly perfect. I thanked him for the excuse to be out, and he gave me tips on how to avoid spilling the wine. It was still an awful process, I thought I would spill it all over someone and stain them from head to toe. Thankfully I didn't, especially infront of the Rah.
The little fluffy lady with Cross seemed flustered at the end, but quite sweet despite the 'balls' indecent.

I'm still haunted my waking terrors. I have moments where I'm back in the root cellar, the door being beat down while my men lay dying upstairs. I still smell the burning hair and flesh mixed with spilled blood.
They only last moments though, and I'm back where I was. In the nights it's worse, I wake screaming to the annoyance of the slaves around me. I think they've started sleeping as far from me as possible. Though I'm put in a loud area at night any how. I should ask Doctor Rhet about sleeping better, or at least being more quiet during the nights. I think I could be less of a hassle if I didn't start swinging at the guards who wake me. Maybe it would help with my day terrors too. If i could sleep without being woken up I could likely get more sleep, and then my nightmares would stay in the nights. I wonder if that would work. I'm so tired of seeing their faces all the time, a bit of a break would be nice.

Regardless, I still live on. Now with a shred of hope. Perhaps the Rah has taken pity on me and has decided to put me to more menial tasks. Like I said, I will accept it. He seems capable, strong. Like my lord was.

I'll trust him, as a new lord to serve. No matter how warped that is in this situation.

OOC: self disgust and gay denial

I met someone today.

A tiger in the gardens while I looking for lost things. His stripes were white and body black, like his colors had been swapped by the primes. His looks weren't the most remarkable thing about him, though he is quite stunning to look at. (In a purely aesthetic sense of course.) His personality, or what little I saw of it was also amazing.

I can't remember the last time I met someone who was normal in this living hell, but I'll remember the tiny bit of peace I felt while talking to him for days to come. It was surreal to not be expected to preform strange acts or be debased by someone because my existance is considered less than theirs. He treated me like an actual person. I can't rememeber the last time someone did that, even before I was brought here.


I wish I had learned his name, but it seemed unimporant at the time. It's bothering me now though, as I look at this bird he made. Which is another funny detail about him, he was able to make something so delicate with hands like that.
I'm not sure which bird this is, he said two of them; ostix and scarhawk. It must be one. It reminds me of my Lords falcons. But it clearly isnt. Familiar and different.

Maybe its for the best I don't know his name. I think I've developed a weird feeling over him. He called me handsome, then made sure I knew he had. It felt light, fuzzy, airy and warm. But then mentioned a wife, and something changed in my chest. That feeling was replaced with a heavy sludge at the bottom of my ribs. Sticking to me no matter how I try to peel it out.
I hate feeling like this, over a man who was a little kind to me.

Even this stranger, nice as he was could see I wasn't normal. I hate it and the feelings he made me feel.
I dont know how to feel now. I really enjoyed the bit of time he shared with me, but dread thinking about it because of the way he was able to make me feel. I feel so Gross when I'm like this. Ugh.


Thats the last thing I want to focus on right now, I should be thinking about ways to get out of here. Or how to get these damned chains off. Not a kind handsome stranger.

Things are much different now.

I've finally come to the place of slavery and pain. Though I have been here for a while now, this is the first time I've had a moment of peace.
I spent weeks after the tragedy being beaten and pull through mud. Through a whole other country before we reached the sea. It would have been beautiful if I saw it in a different situation. Instead I spent it with one of the worst people I've ever met. Thankfully that man tired of me and my 'antic's quickly and shipped me away. I spent weeks on the boat below deck in the dark.
The sail here was probably the worst part of losing my freedom, it was soul crushing and horrible beyond belief. I will be happy to never set foot on another boat or in its belly ever again.
I spent more weeks in the dark, hosed with water, stripped of my things and left among others who'd been caught in chains. Violence, pain, suffering.
I couldn't stand it, I missed home, I missed my lord and the order, I acted out. I was resigned to die, I expected nothing less than a slow pitiful death of a heart broken animal. Bound like one I lashed out, I bit and clawed, I cussed and hissed. Like a man said to me, I was 'a hissing stray'.

He and another staff said something to me about fighting and a way out and something to live for. No longer am I a pathetic wailing kit, but a man intent on clawing my way from the gutters again.
And I shall. With this new hope and work the Handlers given me I won't be idle. I'll have less time to remember their cries, my failures, and their pale dead eyes.
I wake early and work in the kitchens, I train, I do labor. It is not the glamorous work of a knight, but it will help ease my mind. For that I'm thankful to the Handler, and they've earned my respect. Their harshness reminds me of the knights I squired for, in a different way though.

I may also train with the guards of the island. At least I was invited to by who I believe is their captain. A large man, same man who called me a stray actually. Looking at him reminds me of power, but something else. I cant figure out what though. He seems particularly invested in my existence and I'm having a hard time deciding if thats a good thing. It feels like it thus far, he's calm and collected, and seems to radiate the threat of power and knowledge. He probably is not the worst person to look up to in here; he probably has the same tendency of wanting to be around other lions.
That might explain his interest in me..

Regardless; I am alive, despite it all. I can wake in the morning, I can grow stronger, and I can live out the legacy of my home. I am all that is left and that is enough to carry on. I can retell the story, I can become stronger and wiser.
Maybe one day I can serve justice.
For now, I look to the future of kitchen fires and swords.

Until then little journal.