Nikki

Anderson Meyer. That's his name. Big Pharma rep, made a lot of money off of patents for life saving drugs that cost nothing to manufacture-- a fucking 800% profit markup on some of these things that take literal pennies to produce. Is there anything more disgusting than a man who so callously holds the lives of millions of people in his hands and decides, naw fam. You can pay astronomical prices for a drug that will literally save your life.... if you can afford it? Well, yes, actually.

They don't believe me, and I'm not fucking stupid. I know when someone's trying to get me to question my own certainty. I'm being gaslit by my own superiors. That's not even the whole of it, my partner is in on it too-- the dude who's supposed to have my back no matter what, and I'm supposed to put my faith in his ability to be there for me when shit gets real and he's fucking lying to my face, he's not even fucking good at it, his whole ass body language is guilt and shame and he fucking should be. I've never been this het up about anything in my life.

Anderson Meyer, worth several fucking billion, is abducting, harvesting and murdering supernaturals, and BSSC is covering his tracks, they are complicit in the exact opposite of what this order was founded back in the 15th century and I don't know if I want to throw up, or throw hands. It's like there's a volcanic pit in my stomach and I am so pissed off, all I want to do is tear the entire institution down.

this was it, this was my last bastion of goodness, they were supposed to be different they were supposed to be this indomitable beacon of justice and

you fucking BURNED ME, I WASTED 6 YEARS RISKING MY LIFE FOR THIS BULLSHIT

i lost two friends, i watched senseless violence abroad take countless lives, i endured the jeering of RACIST, SEXIST, SOUTHERN BIGOTS and didn't tear out their throats when i absolutely could have, because i was demonstrating a willingness to take a higher road, to take orders and keep my head down

i'm a fucking fool, but no more

I'm a good agent. I was a good soldier. I am a good cop, and I'm not going to let you gaslight me into submission. I'm going to expose him, I'm going to expose every disgusting, unnatural thing he's done, and if ya'll get caught in the flames, shit

them's the breaks.

Collateral damage-- momma would call that karmic retribution, and honestly. She's dead on.

I don't need Barley for this, and when I upload this, if he sees this...

You're a disgusting example of the problem with any sort of organized law. I hope your daughters see you for exactly what you are: a fucking traitor to your own kind.

I quit.

Barley's riding my ass about not keeping up on these thing's because it reflects badly on him as a senior agent, but honestly it's been too much with everything going on.

So, whoever you are scanning these things, worried a lack of entries is admission of something... Sit down. I'm fine.

Let's recap.

I'm not on the social front anymore, and just when I thought things were getting good, thanks possible serial killer! Really appreciate you harshing my vibe.

No but, this is good, really. I actually need a minute to just unload without potentially burdening the people in my life, and most of this is just leftovers, you know? Stuff that's not particularly constructive, or helpful, and just is.

I almost died-- okay, that's a bit melodramatic, but it turns out the girl I was dating was probably only dating me because it hurt Rosie. Their families have bad blood and I didn't know I was getting myself in the middle of it, but I'm also not without blame, because I only really started dating her to hurt Rosie, because that's how I felt. It's fucking stupid in hindsight, but what are you going to do? I've done a lot of growing this year.

Jena was bad news for me, she was replacing my inhibitors to start. Those are kind of important to keep me functional, but fortunately she didn't get far enough into the dosing to do any real damage. I think all the years of taking them has left the cycle a bit stunted, so it never really hit full force, but I did get a little extra in that department for a bit, and unfortunately for Jena, it wasn't her I wanted to dote on. She also started making herself more and more of a shadow for me whenever Rosie came over to teach me wolf things and honestly stunted my growth there a bit, which straight up pissed me off because this shit is important. But also-- god. All I wanted to do was be around Rosie, just... all the time. Like a fucking junkie, I was looking for any excuse to have her over. I don't know if that was the inhibitors wearing off, pining, or some combination of the two, but I got bolder with toeing the line of what was appropriate.

Jena wasn't for me, we didn't match up, and everything with Rosie was just better. The sex is fucking mindblowing, like ... Jena didn't really stand a chance, and if we're being honest, after the first few times, it was so awkward I just started avoiding it if I could. Which is not like me, I am a very physical person.

Anyways, mind out of the gutter. Jena was meddling, and isolating, and trying to keep me away from the one person actually trying to teach me how to be what I am, and that didn't gel really well. Somewhere in all this I definitely cheated on her with Rosie and I knew. I knew I was going to end it because... I don't think you can compare those two, but Rosie is flush and warm and vibrant and full of color and Jena was cold and drab and contemporary, like if beige was a person. I love color, you wouldn't know it by looking at the common spaces of my house, or my wardrobe, but I fucking love color. So, you can see where the two just don't line up.

The final straw was basically implying someone deserved the violence and rape that befell them. You can't. You just can't, and certainly not the family of someone I care so much about. The irony of course is that after the fight concerning this, a very similar thing happened to me, but without the violence. I just had that loss of time and weird feeling that something off, or bad happened to me, but I couldn't finger exactly what it was. All I remember is going with her to this spot she picked out for a moonlight picnic, because apparently wolf things, and I was eating crackers and trying to think of how to phrase the breakup and then I lost an entire night, woke up in my bed with texts from her basically saying I got 'sick' and she brought me home to sleep.

It didn't all come together until about three or four days later when I started developing a weird rash on my side. I was naturally concerned it was some sort of ... shit, I don't know, wolf STD or something, so when Rosie came over for a lesson, I asked her to look at it.

Long story short, apparently it was a mark of ownership--- or near to, we hadn't gotten to that part. Where courting wolves can make physical pledges and manifest fucking bonds physically on one another. Jena had tried to trick me into a god damn wolf marriage with her, which - if that's not scary enough a concept on its own - is binding after the second go. I didn't learn this immediately, because Rosie was so mad, she couldn't word it, and relied entirely on confronting the problem headon and beating the everliving shit out of Jena. It was kind of hot, I mean maybe not the silver beating that girl took, but the part where Rosie was a badass essentially fighting for my honor. What girl doesn't like that? A little well-placed violence is a nice gift.

How I almost died is more in what stubborn, angry me decided after this fact. Lucas, the alpha of her pack, extended two options to me. They could execute her, or I could challenge her and do it myself. But the caveat of the challenge is one of you doesn't leave the ring. I didn't even think about it, I just said yes to the challenge, and spent the next few weeks in a crash course for wolf fighting because I haven't spent much time doing that in my life. I didn't tell my parents. They were just my contingency plan for Peaches if something happened to me, nothing out of the ordinary there. I did have to draw up a will, which was new and horrifying, but... I won so.

It wasn't about revenge, really. I mean a small part was, but the other part of it was just about not letting people define me in their eyes as a victim. I want to join a pack someday, I don't want the first thing associated with me to be that I was nearly suckered into a bond, and that I was too weak to do anything about it.

Anyways, in the midst of all of this, I properly told Rosie how I felt and things are... good between us, but we're still trying to feel out how best our dating dynamic works.

Still a whole lot of nothing to report on the work front, but, I did get to chase down a perp who was selling super illegal substances and a little bit of the abuse of training came in handy!

It was pretty epic, not going to lie, I was a little bit of a bad ass because mr. cinderblock's got about as much mobility as a car with square wheels so it was on me to chase him down. He was fast as fuck too and honestly could jump way too high to even be considered fair, but I never neglect cardio, you know? I'm getting to know the city pretty well now so instead of letting him lead the chase, I anticipated and cut through a couple alleyways to head him off.

What I didn't realize at the time was this guy's a god damned manticore and he nearly blindsided me with his tail-- joke's on you buddy. I got the shit stung out of me in basic by a dude like you and I was ready. Mostly ready to not be seizing uncontrollably on the ground and in unbearable amounts of pain, let me tell you, manticore stings set you on fire.

I mean, not literally but their venom makes your muscles contract and spasm like you're being electrocuted so on top of the immediate pain, you feel like you were dragged eight bad miles by a MACK truck and hit every pothole along the way. It's not a good time, the antivenom hangover is a nightmare and I personally wished I was dead while laying in the academy infirm being intravenously fed because I didn't have the muscle strength to feed myself or even exist as much more than a sentient lump of flesh in a bed for a week. It was a bad time, so avoiding this fucker's sting was my top priority. I did, and I rendered said tail inert so it couldn't get at me once I'd cuffed him.

Dude was milking his stinger and selling the venom like, what sort of asshole does that?

Anyways, that's the first bit of actual police-like work I've gotten to do, my agency isn't really about that, but chasing leads, solving crime-- that's the whole BSSC's thing.

On the personal front, things... are?

We're still doing wolf stuff and I'm still getting my feet wet in the Grey, but more than that. I took Jena up on her ask and we went on a date. She's nice enough, feels like it used to feel-- pre-Rosie. Everything's nice enough. It's not like it was with Rosie where everything was great, you know, barring the shitty parts where I was lying to her, and then losing her, and then being without her but still wanting her like nothing had changed.

I think I was spot on with my admission to her mom, I think I did love her because this doesn't feel nearly the same, and it's shitty. There's nothing wrong with Jena. She makes me laugh, and she's sponsoring me in pack territory so I can get to know her pack and her alpha in the event that I decide maybe I'd like to be part of them, but it's kind of like...

You know when you were a kid bored in class and you'd layer Elmer's glue over the pad of a finger? The whole point was the fascination of feeling being muted under that layer of glue (and then peeling it off later, kids are fucking weird.) and that's sort of how being with Jena feels. It's like a few shades short of satisfaction all the time, even if I am trying to trick myself into believing this is a good relationship, that we're a good match and that I like her even half as much as I did--do--did Rosie.

Jena's smart, she's sharp, and I enjoy our time together, but lately I've been finding myself thinking more and more about Rosie. I don't get to see her as much because we're getting close to the end of wolf schooling and she's busy with rodeo season coming up, and school, and family and I'm busy with work and Jena who's been wanting to spend more time with me.

We went to a potluck a week back, everyone was really nice and inviting-- turns out that wolf that we met on that first run is the alpha's son. Packs aren't what I expected, or what I was taught to believe they were, I even met Jena's family while there which was... kind of wild. I've never met any girlfriend's family and I'll chock that up to the last girlfriend's summation of me: not emotionally available, just fling material. Shit, I don't fault her for saying that about me because she's kind of right, I don't know how to be a girlfriend in the longterm sense. But, Jena's family seemed weirdly sympathetic about the whole getting ass-whooped by the Southwest's alpha. Really just laid it on thick, I don't know why, but it felt weirdly personal and smacked of dislike. Like, I did wrong there, I shouldn't have just walked onto pack territory and I know that now.

Don't sugarcoat it for me, or buttpat me, I don't need that. It definitely left a weird taste in my mouth. Other than that it was good, feeling included like that by everyone is exactly the thing I'm missing in my life and I'm even more confident that I don't want to be a nomad for the rest of my days, I want to be part of something. I've always wanted to be part of something.

But yeah, I still think about her all the time, and sometimes I catch a whiff of flowers in bloom that remind me of her, and I miss the way her kisses tasted, and the feel of her skin and the smell of her hair, and the way holding her created this perfect, comfortable alignment. I miss the possibility of it all. It makes me a terrible girlfriend, because I don't feel any of those things with Jena, when I should. She's a wolf, I'm a wolf, we should be more compatible than Rosie and I, but my heart doesn't do the thing when I see her after a few days. It does with Rosie, and I have to try so hard to keep it in check because being with a wolf means she can hear it just as well as I can.

Everything's so much more complicated than I wish it was. I don't want to hurt Jena, and I don't want to fuck up my chances with her pack, but I don't think I like her the way she likes me, and at some point, she's going to make the connection. I can't tell you how many times I've almost texted Rosie things I shouldn't-- always at night, when it's quiet and I have nothing else to distract me. That's when shit, I don't know, sense memory, her in general, they take over my brain and - now this is going to sound terrible but - I wish it was her here, instead of Jena.

I know our relationship is coming to an end, I should have never gone out with her in the first place, but I was just so fucked up over Rosie, I needed something and she was the unfortunate recipient of my childish need to get back at Rosie for making me feel my feelings for her.

Surprising absolutely no one, I have once again made a horrible mess of my lovelife, I'm an asshole.

I know it's been like, fuck, a week since I did this?

My dudes, I stand by what I said, until you unleash me on the real world I just don't have much to report beyond the occasional "Don't Huff Pixie Ass" lecture to tweens who definitely aren't listening to a god damn word I say.

I know I never did.

Runs are good, wolf stuff is fine, but I'll be straight for a minute, it's been a rough personal week for me.

I'm still confused, and I feel gross and entirely out of my depth and like a fucking idiot for making any assumptions.

Shaman man said 'walk' so we've walked and... maybe what I thought I implied in that conversation on the way home about wanting her didn't translate the way it was supposed to, or maybe I am an idiot who definitely misread literally everything between fucking in that bathroom and driving cross country with her.

She came over late a couple nights back, looking like someone popped her right in the mouth and nose but that wasn't the worst part. Like, I was concerned for her because I care and she was bleeding all over the place, but she'd clearly been doing someone else before she'd resorted to knocking on my door.

I'm a wolf, dude. For better or worse I get a nose full of every hormonal reaction a person has. So, you know. It was all up in my grill the moment I opened the door. I don't think I've ever felt that bad. I was confused initially because like, everything hits at once and you just feel nauseous and like every part of your core is rejecting itself and trying to eject. Shit, I wanted to hit the eject button too. I didn't want to be there experiencing it, but I did.

Anyways, she said some nonsense about I don't know, not being able to be her or something-- honestly it was a lot of drunk nonsense, because she was absolutely hammered, and I tried to take care of her as quickly as possible because I just felt vile, and like that vile was going to come spilling out, and I'll be honest, a little bit did because I was holding a lot of angry grossness back, and then I left her there and went upstairs to cry like a little bitch because stupid me thought, I don't know, that maybe we were going to wait and try after the wolf training.

Clearly I was wrong.

Maybe I should just give up on that front, clearly that ship's sailed right into someone else's bed, so. I don't know.

I hate feeling stupid, we're still doing wolf things but you just know that's going to be awkward and uncomfortable next session, so... fucking yippee. I think Barley noticed my low spirits when I went to work the next day because he did more talking in one work day than he's done in the entire month since we've been working together.

Turns out he has 8 kids. Can you fucking believe it? Jesus Christ, his poor broodmare of a wife. Couple of them were twins though, I guess, so. Anyways, he's got two daughters and a son that are roughly around the same age as me, so maybe my mopeyness touched a dad nerve and that's why he spoke up. Fucking nailed it, all I have to do is feel like absolute emotional ass and this man will actually try to relate to me.

Life goes on, I guess. Between feeling distant dad vibes and the comfort that brings, and running, unloading on Jena, and sweating it out at the gym I'm in that much preferable numb place-- acceptance maybe?

Whatever it is I don't feel like vomiting nastiness anymore, even if I did sort of break my own heart. Fuck it.

Work's fine. To be honest, I think this 'journaling' would be more effective you know, after ya'll take the fucking pillow punchers off.

So far I have learned exactly two things about Beef Barley and the job. The first is that he has a family, but no amount of social lubrication will get him to divulge anything more than that because ItS nOt PeRiTiNeNt To ThE JoOoOb.

Okay you actual cinderblock, fuck me for wanting to know who I'm working with I guess. Jot that bit down, nerds. Senior Agent Barley is an impersonal bunger.

Thing two is that, well, Aegis is making a difference here. There was this family of ghouls that were being harassed by a mixed group of shifters who took issue with corpse eaters. Like, I get it, it's not a glamorous thing to be, but ghouls are - regardless of your personal squicks - an important part of disease control in large metropolitan areas like this, they perform a super important service and don't deserve to be treated like monsters.

That day was a good day, we got the kids who kept egging their house and bullying the kids together and were able to shed some light on the importance of a ghoul to the cycle of things. What's fucked up is that their parents should know better and you just fucking know that's where they're learning their bias, kids are more open than adults, and they're sponges for learned behaviors.

And look, I'm not naive enough to believe we completely turned things around, but that there is a program like Aegis to try and bridge gaps in supernatural communities living essentially hip to hip is something that gives me hope for more unity and understanding in the future.

That's about the only time since I landed this job that I've felt like I've accomplished anything so.

In other news, I have made wolf contact at Greys, learned grey boundaries so I can run whenever I want, and that's doing a lot for my restlessness. Rosie's still taking me through the shit I should have learned as a kid, and that seems to be going well at least.

That's it techie, I'm not a liability, so you can move on to more troubling agents!