Rosie

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Where should I even start? I'm not going to apologize for being shitty at keeping up a blog. I know people only actually read it because they're waiting for me to get back to OnlyFans. Sorry to tell you but these titties are retired. Yall can thank whichever fucking mouthbreather thought it'd be funny to tell my brother about me making content. It's not worth the look my mama gave me, sorry bout it.

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But I've been okay, as okay as I can be I guess. I was just chugging along, living my goddamn life when this gorgeous fucking jerk shows up and throws me for an entire loop. I really had a dumb moment, and I think it's my fault, right? Why didn't I think it's weird that a girl that tense shows up to a college party, doesn't know anyone there, and isn't drinking. Just hanging out by herself in the yard. What is a red flag when someone has that many muscles? Fucking irrelevant, that's what it is.

I thought we'd just hook up and go on about our seperate ways, an admirable thought. I thought wrong, naturally. Being with her was immediately different when compared against everyone I'd been with before her. I just felt..things? Not love things, supe things. Whatever she was, she didn't tell me right away. I just knew that it was glimpses of something beautiful. Something wild and strong, something I wanted to be around, to be overcome by...maybe it was just really good pot. Again, an admirable thought.

Nikki kept texting me and I just kept seeing her, because I'm a fucking idiot. She came to pick me up in the park once, which was fine. She's not a werewolf, right? HAHAHA. FUCK. She is, I just wasn't used to that brand I guess. My brother could smell her, and told me that I needed to stop seeing her. Usually when a nomadic wolf shows up, they make themselves known or atleast learn to avoid occupied territory if they don't want to be known. Either way, no one good is silent about arriving, and I can understand why Max was worried.

Did I stop? Nope, I just kept going over to her house like some kind of junkie. Desperate to be around her, to be had by her. More red flags popped up, but I didn't notice. Nikki never talked about her day to day, or her job, her friends..I got vague allusions to something that sounded like an office. But she wanted to know everything about me, and I'm dumb enough to think she liked me. That she wanted to be around me, and get to know me. Again, I am dumb. As fuck. Dr. Dumbass, MD. I found out why though, go figure on the night I took her pretty, horrible ass on a date. I don't date, but I liked her so much that..nevermind.

I spent more than I had on a dress, took her to Silver's so that she could hear me sing, then we went back to her place. Lo and behold on her dresser there's a gun and a badge. I told her so much about my life and about the park, it all made sense immediately. She was just sniffing around and I was nothing but an intel source with a coochie. Great, GREAT.

I freaked out and called Max to pick me up, Max freaked out, it was a whole fucking thing... Because I fucked up and endangered everyone in my stupid life by bringing the cops around unknowingly, and not communicating that I was running around with a nomad, my mama was mad at me. I moped for a while, and got back to life. I was fine, getting back to normal. A few weeks passed and of course Bacon Tits shows up, surprisingly to apologize.

Now listen, I didn't want to hear her and I wasn't going to listen. But it wasn't like she showed up in a neutral place. No, she came into the territory and my Mama beat the brakes off of her. But Nikki didn't fight back, and I knew Mama would have beat her to fucking death if I didn't get in the way of it. So I did, and because of that I severely hobbled my standing in the pack. Since everyone had agreed that Nikki wasn't allowed passage into the territory and I opposed it by getting in the way of justice, I was the asshole. Of course I was.

I got kicked out of my trailer and had to slum it on Mom's couch, but it was better than going to Nikki's stupid police funeral..there wouldn't have been a funeral, she would have been eaten by whatever skulks around the crossroads..I felt really guilty for everything, so I thought why not book it to Oregon and start a new life. A less exciting life, without werewolves or girls in it. I'd just date Ash and be a wife, because that's the path of least resistance. A nice predictable life where my only responsibility is to the forest.

Except I didn't account for how shitty it feels to be away from your specific forest. It's like permanent exhaustion, just terrible. But feeling sleepy and numb all the time was a welcome improvement. Nikki hurt me pretty badly, and I thought that somehow just getting away from it, her, everything..it had to be better. There isn't a salve for a broken heart, there is no poultice for crushed ego, for guilt, none of it can be magically taken away. I'm supposed to feel those things, so that I can learn from them but they feel fucking terrible, I didn't want to suffer. But I was suffering, a silent kind of suffering where nothing grows and the sun doesn't register.

I tried very hard to adapt, to accept being a shaman's fiance as my new normal. He was good to me and we got along. We've been friends since we were babies, and FWB since his dick started being a dick, I guess. It wasn't too farfetched to consider being his wife, really. Do I love Ash? Yes, but not romantically..I thought I could learn to, but as I have come to discover that isn't just something you learn to do. You either do or you don't..and I didn't. I think he knew, I think that we both knew. I tried not to think of Nikki, about how I hate her stupid, beautiful, angular face and her dumb laugh. But I dreamed of her, and because of that all I wanted was to sleep, because the risk of a nightmare was an easy risk to take when the other dreams were so soft and easy.

Once I couldn't scrub her out of my head, I did a spirit journey.. Oh, that's what the white people call tripping balls. It's more complicated than eating some tabs and playing with a laser pointer. Anyway, you can't run from your destiny, is what I learned. Nikki might not be my destiny, but the pack is. I saw things. Beautiful and terrible things, about where I fit in and why. My duty isn't to these forests, it's to the ones back home. To the wolves in them, and the other creatures too. I also saw that mom isn't full of shit, there is absolutely something to the connection between boq and wolves. Wolves are nature, and so our connection and draw to them is insane. Ash can't ever make me feel the way a wolf would, no matter how hard he'd try..

I'm a stubborn asshole, so I smash it down and continue operating under the notion that this is my life now. But it's hard, because you can't outrun that shit. The cactus juice saw to reminding me and ever since then I couldn't get it off my mind. I was homesick, and it wasn't wholly about Nikki. I missed my moms, I missed Max, and the pack, I missed my family, and my horses, and just feeling useful. Despite rules, despite hardship. I knew im those few days after the juice that I was making a mistake.

I didn't have a choice to mush it down after much longer. I was again, minding my own business living my stupid little life. Until I saw her at the bar, in Oregon, no less. She doesn't know people here, and I'm not dumb enough to think she wasn't here for me. When I saw her I..it was like my heart jumped out of my chest. Rejoicing but also seeking heavy traffic to run into. Sort of like it was breaking and singing all at the same time. I don't know what that is. I don't know what to do with that. I knew I didn't want to talk about it. What is there to say? I hate you? You ruined my fucking life? I missed you? Come here and let me smell your stupid self because all I think about at night is the way your clean clothes smell? I don't know, it seemed difficult and also like a situation she could easily control the narrative of if I'd started talking right then.

I'm not foolish enough to think that the way my heart was feeling just then could be good for discussion. I'd be illogical and latch onto any thread of validation, which could blind me to the big ass problem that started all of this. But I didn't want her to leave, so I did what I do and cheated on my fiance in a filthy bathroom. I am not a smart man. Immediately after, we went back to mine & Ash's place, I explained what happened and he wasn't even angry. I knew that he knew, and I was almost pissed that he wasn't angry with me. He should have been, because I was angry at myself for it.

But he wasn't. Ash is a better man than I'd ever be. He forgave both of us and gave us some advice. I'm supposed to teach Nikki about what she is, which in turn is going to help her not be eaten up by someone like mama. I'm also supposed to not diddle her, because it'll complicate her education. Fuck the stupid rules..but he has a point. Learning all of this is extremely important for her survival, and for her spirit. She needs to be with others like her, and even if I can't undo the massive bad I just did..I can put some good into the universe and try to balance it. The good being helping Nikki live a fuller life, that is.

So the idea is that I'll give her the same puppy bootcamp Max and I had as kids, it can't be that hard, right? Hands off, teach the baby wolf to run, and then..well, she probably won't need me any more. It's a catch 22, really...but I deserve it. But I still want to be around her, and I know it's not just because it's literally my duty to take care of forest critters. I just..I want to enjoy her while I can. Apparently there's very little to be done about the way I feel, about the way I want her, the way her voice..Oh well..

TLDR Bitches, man. Bitches. Like have Y'all ever seen women? Beefy ones? Smart ones? Pretty ones with tattoos? (Chaotic bisexual panic)