FALL APART
-
Not quite the child her parents had imagined her to become. Grown up in the suburbs, a lovely neighborhood. An only child. Her parents liking the perfection, appearances were important. She had rules, but rarely listened. Loud, curious and wildly creative, often called out for being too much. Labeled as a troublemaker: challenging the teacher, sneaking out during sleepovers or cutting class to to sit on the roof and write in her journal. That reputation stuck.
Her mother deep down believing she was a good mother: tacking lunches, volunteering at school events and showing up for parent-teacher conferences. But always being disappointed in her daughter, saying: ‘’why can’t you be more like the other girls?’’ and ‘’You’re exhausting sometimes, you know that?’’
Her father being absent, working long hours and often fixing things around the house. Calling her kiddo, always making her breakfast every sunday, teaching her how to fix things herself. Rare moments, but they were meaningful.
A problem child, she liked the attention, she liked the adrenalin. Her mother getting embarrassed. Having trouble connecting with other kids, often being too intense or sensitive. Other girls formed cliques, Eleanor never fit in. Too much to be popular, too emotional to be one of the boys.
High school, her first real heartbreak. Crushing hard on a senior boy, as he started dating her best friend instead. She learned the hard way: even when people say they care, she will be put second if someone better comes along. Only desirable until someone prettier or more easier comes along.
Drinking at parties, her and her mother always fighting. Sneaking out, not always to drink, but to escape, to write. Over time that paid off. Her english teacher noticing her writing, signing her up for a competition. Second place, once again. Instead of being proud, her mother asked ‘’why not first?’’
16 years old, a public humiliation as one of her deeply personal poems is found and posted on social medias with her tagged. Viral at school, the lines are quoted and laughed at. Pretending she didn’t care, laughing it off. Humor and sarcasm becoming her weapon. Writing less after that.
25 years old, New York, living her best life possible. Not wealthy or popular, but being her. Dating, drinking, getting loose. It's all in the cards for her, forgetting the chaos and low self esteem her family caused her. Wishing to have her own children some day, wanting to be better, wanting to be their everything, unlike her own. Falling in love with every single guy she meets. They never fall back. Telling herself that a little love is better than none, almost willing to settle.
Barely any contact with her family, her father visiting her on her birthdays, her mother calling to ask her how she’s doing at her job. Working at a cinema, too smart for that job. Haven’t found her thing yet. Drawn to broken people, hoping they will finally choose her if she saves them.
Knowing what she wants, and what she likes and dislikes. A very self-aware person who uses her sarcasm and humor as a defense mechanism. Loyal, cynical romantic, always saying love is fake, even though she secretly craves it. Deeply insecure and resentful, feeling bitterness towards people who have it easier.
-
-
-
