El Payaso

I never liked sunflowers

They're like these bright almost neon yellow colored things that are always gazing wherever the sun is highest in the sky. They're needy and desperate for the light.

You love them.

You love things that are warm and bright and happy.. you love the peace and the sunlight, you love the way that birds sing in the open air.

You told me once that you couldn't stand the darkness and that shadows frightened you.


Yet you stayed.


I have never been a good man, but I tried. I tried so much.
Maybe trying just isn't good enough anymore.

Belle came in today with her usual stack of tunes, plus some of the ones she remixed herself. I wish she would just shell out for an actual station to do this, she’s so talented but the girl has no self confidence.

She reminds me of how you used to be sometimes; headstrong and optimistic.

Too optimistic in my opinion and maybe too eager to see the good in people. People like that little fucking dick stain, Donny Conway.

She gave my ear a real scolding when I told her how I treated the little bastard but he deserved it. I trust him about as far as I could throw him- which thinking out loud I realize would probably be very easy and I should reconsider the phrase.

But I’ve been thinking.

Dealers got sources and friends in places that people like me don’t always got. He owes me a favor anyway and while I think I’ll still make him swing from the rafters dressed like a fucking Tom and Jerry style angel… I got other things in mind for Dickless Donald.

I’m getting desperate, I know I am but it’s all I can think of right now.

Time is running out.

The doctors say that its getting worse and for once I can see it plain as day.

I know its foolish of me to think it but I thought you were starting to get better.

I've been doing what the studies say I should try every fucking day but its like there's a glimmer of you for a fucking millisecond before you're gone again.

I play your favorite songs, I play Etta James and Connie Francis.. I bring you photo albums and trinkets from the house. Every day I fight the hospital staff because they don't believe me when I say who we are to each other because fuck them, I will never lie about who you are to me. I will never stop cherishing what we are.

But for all my effort you never remember when I come back.

But its ok because if I have to do it over and over and over and fucking over again I will.



You are worth it.

It was another rough day today.

All morning you screamed about how you didn't remember me. You yelled at me and told me to leave you alone, but I know the you deep down wouldn't want that so I stuck it out.

But I'll be honest, I really wanted to go to club after that. Not to even work. On bad days like this, after our visits sometimes I just sit up on the third level with all the storage crates and listen to the world.

It's so different from what it used to be, you know?

Cars are faster and children are ruder... The buildings become more sleek and polished and the people get poorer.

I think about the house in Guadalajara all the time now and I wonder if its still standing.



When the time comes- if it does- I'll take you back there.