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The Golden Tether

Ysrael

Played by Eli

In The

  • Journal

    • Changes January 26th 2022

      Everything has changed. And yet, nothing has changed.

      I find myself back here yet again. Everything is familiar. However not a single face is. Its lonely. Surrounded by people and completely alone. The things I once knew, I now question. I've spent my entire life doing this and I have never felt so unsure about everything.

      On another note, I have managed to not disrupt anyone with my night terrors. Yet. I've been trying to find the most secluded places possible to sleep. Though not always comfortable, I am glad that I have not caused any upset. But I know that eventually it will catch up to me. It always does.

    • Confusion February 5th 2015

      This is a brand new journal.

      A journal. It seems like such a silly thing, writing letters to no one. Yourself, perhaps. But what is the need? Why is there this pull inside of me to write down what I feel inside? It is not as if putting any of it into writing will make it go away, or make anything change at all. Of course, I do my best to change myself as needed. But there are simply some things that I cannot change, no matter how hard I try.

      I have avoided everyone for so long. I have shut myself away from the world. For so long it helped. It made the hurt go away. But it has returned, and with such a vengance I wonder what I must have done in a past life to deserve such pain in my life.

      I try my hardest for my Master. I do everything I can to please him. I have learned new things, I have attempted to make new friends. But I do not feel like it is enough.

      And none of it will make this... longing, go away. Why do I sit in bed at night and cry for something unknown? Why do I refuse to let anyone take this picture from me? I do not know the man. I have never seen him before. But his face calms me when I am at my worst.

      However I feel like I have truly lost my mind. Bodhi says the paper is blank. There is nothing there. He says I scream at night, I fight when he attempts to wake me up. I sleep walk, and he fears for my safety. That is not something a sane person does.

      What have I done to deserve such a curse?

    • Finished... September 13th 2014

      I have spent night after night praying to whatever god or entity exists to return my life to what it was months ago... to when I was happy. And yet every night I still cry myself to sleep. How can there be any more tears?

      Some creatures seem to lack emotion, and I am envious. If I was turned into something , my humanity taken away, could I escape the pain?

      Everyone is gone now. Nick. Gavin. Abby. Anyone I ever cared about, or whom cared about me. They have all moved on and I am still sitting here, waiting for their return.

      And my heart grows weaker and weaker by the day. I don't believe I am strong enough for this life.

      I often wonder if Nick still feels my pains. Perhaps tonight will be my last chance to reach him. If he does not answer... there will be no more chances...

      [There is blood on the page.]

    • Running from ghosts. June 9th 2014

      I was hopeful that a change might be what I needed to move on but I am not so sure, now. Nothing here is familiar - that is a good thing, for memories don't linger on every shadow. However it is perhaps even more lonely being so far from those memories.

      And I can't help but worry that he will finally try to find me and I won't be there.

      However, there is one good thing for me to write about. Abby. What a beautiful person. He... no, she is so wonderful to me. She brought me to her manor so that I could take a break from things that haunt me. She understands every feeling I have, and makes me smile no matter how down I may be.


      I admit, I still do not fully understand her, but it doesn't make any difference. She is a true friend and I am so thankful that we met. I have never before known such a friendship without any expectations.

      My nightmares have returned, however. Just after speaking about how I almost miss them - it was as if Gavin heard me. Or maybe he is angry that I left. Surely he is. And yet I do not know if these dreams come from him. They are different. Worse, even. And yet again, I pray they will leave me.

      Peace is simply not something I am meant to have, I suppose.

    • The passing of time... May 20th 2014

      It has been a long time since I have sat down to write in a journal. My old one is still at the manor - a place I have mixed feelings about visiting. I feel obligated to go back, to make sure everything is in its place. But I worry that I will not be able to handle its empty walls.

      So much has changed in the last several months. I hardly even know where to begin. I have kept myself busy with dance, and as a result - fed. While I know that technically I am free to do as I wish since Nick burned my papers so long ago, I still do rentals in his name. I use what I need to look after myself, and the rest is saved. Maybe someday I will see him again, and give him that money.

      My dreams are my own again. More often than not I simply do not dream, but when I do it is not under the control of Gavin. I suppose even he grew tired of me and moved on. I know it is wrong of me, but I have such mixed feelings over this. If even he is bored of me, will anyone ever care for me again?

      I ran into Space again. He has changed so much since I last saw him. A different soul. He is the first kind person I have met in a long time. But I have mixed feelings about seeking him out for company. He is still friends with the frenchman, Perrine and I have little faith that he is as changed as the wolf. His hatred for me never was fed by some animal - he just did not like me. I find it hard to believe that he will be changed.

      My heart still longs for things to be the way they once were. I miss Nick every single day. I try to rationalize and tell myself to move on but it is so hard to make the heart follow the brain. I suppose with time it will get easier. But time has been unkind and I still long for the demon. I am sure he has long forgotten me. I believe that the bond we once shared is severed. I will admit to more than once attempting to call him to me by finding trouble and pain. I can think of no other reason that it did not work - he has either stopped caring, or broken the connection.

      I have a performance this afternoon. I must prepare.

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