Notes To Self
-
For as far back as I can remember, I've always had an inner dialog. Giving myself advice or even responding silently to those around me with a sarcastic and matter-of-fact kind of way. The last several years of my life have been spent developing my knowledge, both book and intellectual. Hard lessons followed with bitter-sweet memories of love, loss, life and death. This might be the only biography of my extended life... If found one day I hope it reaches at least one other being.
Aditsan is the name of my journal, I address her with such a name the humans of the native lands would call the good listener.
-
Aditsan-The Listener
-
Happy Birthday to Me..... November 19th 2014, 12:20 am
Written in her script, nothing else was possible to put into words.
The very finest piece of me was savagely ripped away, something I don't know if I'll have returned. He's gone... my wolf is gone, what did I do that was wicked?
-
Darkness September 23rd 2014, 11:32 pm
Dear Aditsan,
Darkness has consumed my thoughts and mind. All I seem to want to do is soak away all the anger and guilt I feel and allow the river to wash it away, alas I know this cannot be. Maybe I have had my happiness, because now all I feel is the need to destroy and it consumes me. This yearning inside of me leaves a hole in which I feel will never be filled, this side of my heritage I was so ready, willing, and successful of forgetting has once again reared its ugly head.
Every day I put on my mask of neutrality and I dare not confess that I want them hopeless, and on their knees begging for my forgiveness and mercy that I do not consume every particle of their existence. Wanting only to see their faces shrink into a bottomless pit as I fest on the delicious fruit of their fear.
Can they truly not see what I do?
Why are my eyes so open?
Am I being punished? Always being there for everyone else and having the solutions and answers but he does not see the black gloved hands of dread of which squeeze the life from my heart. Making it hard to breathe when I look upon him and he doesn't even look back. Weaving my web of deceit and yet I still lay here wanting... Day after day, and night after night I draw the drapes of my lonely bedroom, the lush tapestries hang from the walls and provide warmth but no comfort. Sacrificing so much as he has sacrificed so little...
Eden -
Journal Entry September 7th 2014, 11:46 pm
You've become a reflection of me, without you I realize now I cannot be whole. Feeling your life beating next to mine makes this difficult to ignore. Thinking I was ready for this task has only brought my nightmares into reality. Awoken something dark and exposed like a raw nerve. Please don't make me go on without you.
Every piece of me is breaking, my heart is heavy and I feel hollow...
Did you mean what you said about eternity?
-
Wedding Day March 11th 2014, 10:16 pm
Dear Aditsan,
Well, my wedding is next week and I thought it would never get here. I’m so nervous about the ceremony and celebration and I would like for everything to go smoothly. My thoughts just wander and reel when have a few moments to myself to actually think about it, sometimes I wonder how Auron handles the stress himself; what with the guild but things look as if they are going to be calming down. One secret between the wolf and I that I am having a hard time gathering around and I look forward to it more than I do the wedding itself. If I could compare him to something it would be a ships anchor, steady and level which is very good for me.
After my return from Reverences grasp I feel as if a part of me was lost down there, sometimes I think that a part of Auron is down there with me. It’s partially my fault for forgetting the limitations of mortals…
Brontes, that’s a man that I will never be able to repay. Even if his ways are a bit unconventional. His newspaper is giving him something to look forward to and I’m happy that he’s found something he might enjoy. He’s asked me to help write horoscopes for a section and possibly stories or news from town. I almost forgot to mention, he asked me to marry him again. He’s not making my decision easy and I feel guilty for not accepting his offer after everything he’s done for me, but unlike the desert wolf, the fox is quick to temper and we both have a tendency to torture one another.
My love for Auron is different than that of what I hold for Brontes.
Wish me luck…
-
Journal Entry February 22nd 2014, 6:16 pm
Dear Aditsan,
It has been quite a while since I consciously wrote to you. After my ordeal with Reverence, I am starting to find it difficult to sort out my own personal thoughts. Revenge is a state of mind and I fear that now this is something I am consumed by.... Because Auron avoided seeing me he is receiving most of my anger and frustration. For the first time in my life I want someone to suffer.
The poor wolf is trying to please me and keep the fighters guild going but it's getting difficult since others have a hard time submitting to authority in their ranks. He's always trying to do things on his own and I feel there is no time for me, not that I'm demanding but when he's now sitting in his office, he's sleeping. Does he still feel the same for me? Or has this time apart made him realize he misses the lone wolf lifestyle? I am angry he wasn't there, Brontes insist Auron was and he was trying to find me. Is this true or is Brontes just trying to keep me happy?
The one I did see when I was woken up from my sleeping spell was, Brontes. After all our squabbling he was still there and I can't help but feel as if I haven't treated him fairly or haven't done enough for him.
Now I truly know what it's like to have scars. -
The Quill Moves Alone... February 8th 2014, 8:27 pm
Eden's quill could be seen moving on her empty journal page. Unresponsive and unable to be stopped,it kept scratching out several phrases.
-
Untitled January 29th 2014, 11:13 pm
Dear Aditsan,
Looks like Eden hasn't taken to your pages lately. Has she been too busy? With all that time spent indoors, I would have figured her mind would have been spilling those worries all over your pages. I want to know what she's thinking about lately, hoping you could tell me... I was wondering, wondering, could I ever? Could I? But, as much as I want to hold her, there is that distance, because of him. I'll respect that... I'll respect it because I want her to be happy with someone. She wanted to know how I am, I'm better than I was, but not fully healed. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you need, but I hope I can be what someone else needs with as much love and devotion that you and Auron will give to one another.
You've my blessings, with love,
Brontes -
Yule Tidings December 19th 2013, 9:20 pm
Dear Aditsan,
So much negative has happened, and for once I think poor Brontes has found what was really in his heart. There will always be a place in my heart for the Kitsune, and I do wish things would have turned out differently but alas this is how the fates will it. Just like the outer layer of my heart the snow and ice come in waves and I cannot wait until Spring. Brontes is my winter and Auron my Spring, vibrant and forgiving and loves with no conditions. Looking forward as always to his gentle touch and kind eyes. I will look to the Spring and while the two of us have set our plans in motion to be wed on the Spring Solstice celebration, I will make sure this is the grandest celebration yet to come, so until then... I will light the candles in my windows until Spring comes.
-
Journal Entry November 28th 2013, 11:10 am
Dear Aditsan,
It's been a little while since I found your pages. You were a little more difficult to ascertain, yet I found you. I have to say, I feel Eden feels a little too certain of what I am or am not at any given moment. How she feels is not yet any of my concern, for I can not let her feel what I feel. So continue to peel the layers, little birdie, find what you truly swithin my walls or my heart. I would have you know, however, that I could not love the world - anymore... But I am glad to see that what I saidk in a little through that thick head of yours, Eden. P.S. The plant is not entirely dead... you migh replant it somewhere and see how nurturing something so damaged and lifeless can flourish? Auntie Ris might be able to help with that endeavor if you feel you need a little help.
Brontes -
On Daring to Love... November 27th 2013, 9:56 pm
Dear Aditsan,
Really, what's the worst that's ever happened to any of us by risking all of ourselves for Love? We discover our Selves are greater than we thought they were but we don't get the girl/guy? So what?! We get a little egg on our face... So what?! Wash it off. Try again. Expanding into the experience of fully loving, makes us larger, deeper, richer, wiser...Just so there is more of us to risk the next time.
And so it goes.
It's not so much about how the story ends as it is about waking up every day inside a story that is Real, that is truly Alive.
And besides, if you love someone, think about it: tomorrow they might be dead. Don't waste today. Let them know. If they don't act like they appreciate it, they probably think they don't deserve to be loved, so then they need to hear it most of all. Deep down inside everyone needs to be loved. Unloved babies and children fail to thrive and die. "Grown-ups" are no different- we are all little children inside. When we leave these bodies we become LOVE completely. Until then, we yearn for that totality, and we need to be reminded, often, or the dense quality of this place will harden our hearts.
-
