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Sigele

Played by Mikitfence

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- Therapy February 5th 2015
  
  They say that it will be good for me to write.
  
  Recently, I returned to the Tether. The memories here are overpowering, but I thought I was capable. It has been so long. And yet it appears that rather than giving myself time to heal, I have simply allowed all of my ... failings, I suppose, to fester. I cannot sleep, I struggle to eat. It has been this way for a long time.
  
  Since I left, I have struggled through various ... discrepancies. In my own conscious state of mind, in the way that I find myself thinking, in deliriums that have begun to plague me. First, I stayed with Aria. She understood. She took care of me. But I couldn't stay in a home so close. I had to be further, and the only place I saw as reasonable - and which in hindsight was a terrible decision - was home. With my parents. Their abuse ruined me over my childhood years, both physically and mentally. This time, they pinpointed the chip in my armor, and they exacerbated my illnesses. They realized quickly that I no longer hold any manner of value to my body. They knew that hurting me physically would elicit no response. So they dug deeper. Rather than whipping me with the kettle cord, as they had when I was a child, they berated me. They took my greatest fears and failings and laid them out on a proverbial table before me, highlighted them from bad to worst. Slowly, cracks formed. The death of my daughter left me empty, and my parents were filling the gap with a toxic waste that has begun to rot my mind from the inside out.
  
  Finally, when I lay awake plotting their deaths, I realized I had to leave. To kill them would be a manifestation of all that they have incurred upon me over the years. That was a victory that I could not allow them. I had to come back. I was ready. I pushed aside suicidal thoughts, melancholy nostalgia, talked myself out of panicked hysteria, and I got on a boat. I came back.
  
  For weeks, I was fine. Fine enough to sit among the masks of anonymity in the main hall, fine enough to order from the bar, fine enough to rent a suite and fill it with my meager belongings. But then the siege began. I fear that I was always this close to mania, to whatever psychosis that this is, but the invasion has conveniently offered my sanity a reason to give way to the dam that had beat upon its door for some time. I was in my suite, wondering whether or not to touch the violin that I bought a day prior. The one I always used was left behind in the house. Our house. I have not brought myself to go back there yet. If I meet ... if I see him, and he turns me away ... I don't know what I shall do. The medics tell me not to write of him. To try to forget. But that seems a travesty. As much as it will hurt me, I must carry his ghost, must recall our happiness, must wish that it could ever be the same. I would give the world just to touch him once more, just to barely graze my fingertips across the hard line of his jaw. But I cannot. He ... I don't believe that he loves me anymore. How could he, after I failed him so terrifically?
  
  Ah, but my point. I was in my suite, and I heard a commotion. When I went out to check the hall, I observed a ... what are they called. Bugge? An insect creature, clicking and horrendous, dragging from the suite just next to mine, a body. Bloody and unconscious - the bubble of crimson at his nose made me presume that he still lived. An abduction, so close to me... I retreated into my room, shocked to silence, to numbness. It dawned on me that I must tell someone. That this information wasn't to go unmentioned, for the safety of not only myself, but all of the residents of the Tether and its Golden Moon affiliate. So I waited an appropriate length of time before I hurried to the Tether, and told a guard of my witness.
  
  My state of mind was, admittedly, flushed. I was animated, panicked, perhaps even wild, I suppose. But I felt myself justified. The guard did not. He took me into custody and relocated me here, in this ward within the infirmary. They have diagnosed me with a plethora of both symptoms and afflictions which, while they seem somewhat over exasperated to me in times of clarity are, perhaps, reasonable. They make logical sense. But it is certainly hard for me to consolidate such things with myself. I don't consider myself weak, but in here, I feel as though I am.
  
  They will not discharge me until I speak to a therapist and sleep well for at least two weeks. They also mentioned something about my inability to keep from crying, but I am not loud. I don't understand their issue. They have given me lithium.
  
  Perhaps this is enough writing for now.
  I miss them.
  I miss him.
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- Savanth (played anonymously) || October 3 2015, 7:25pm
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- Savanth (played anonymously) || May 16 2015, 11:18am
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- Savanth (played anonymously) || February 5 2015, 11:48am
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- Aria (played anonymously) || June 1 2014, 11:18pm
  "You're going to need a dress for your now-skinny waistline, yes?
  
  +1 Sensitivity"
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- Savanth (played anonymously) || April 8 2013, 11:52pm
  "It's not at all creepy or obsessive that all of the art in your gallery is by me.
  
  NO REGRETS."
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Sigele

Played by Mikitfence

Journal & Feedback

Journal

Therapy February 5th 2015

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