Saint James

No one ever tells you when planning an escape plan to also have a backup for when you have to come back to reality. Canada was more than I’d dreamed of... that place is always going to have a small part of my heart. It was our first vacation as a couple. As a couple… .. even just being able to write that I cant help how giddy it makes me. Jack and I.. we've been on tour, in the studio and marking a rather private romance dodging press and paparazzi throughout the City. But being able to just be alone.. I grew up in the wilds of the forests. Back roads and long hiking trails were a return to a place I didn't realize I missed. Jack? He was perfect. Adventures in the woods with Bones and Frankie, lazy days with just blankets and books.. dancing in the kitchen on a whim..

My life with Jack in those moments always feel like some Hallmark/Lifetime movie special. There are these moments of comfort, of sickly sweet romance. Followed by these intense, hot moments… of.. just hands and lips and heat. If there ever was a God, he made Jack like a perfect addiction.. I wonder if this is just my first encounter with his kind, or if Jack is my own special drug. I'm more inclined to believe that Jack's the only man alive that could do this to me.

He undoes me so quickly. A look, a touch.. his fingers through my hair and the trail of his lips across my skin. It's all heat and amazing tension… I'm not the only one that feels it, he's assured me plenty of times. But there is always this inevitable slam of the brakes. There's always a point where we get too close to this arbitrary line that Jack never breaches. No matter my protests, no matter how I'm left with these feelings.. He won't do that to me.

He worries so much. He holds this weight of responsibility for something that's not his to be responsible for. I know what he is. I know what I feel. What you are created as doesn't dictate who you are as a person. Jack is such a good, honest and chivalrous man that if a God exists that condemns a man like that.. then I'd rather worship with Jack as my God.. blasphemous I know.. but right and wrong that has no tolerance for grey has never been my scene.

If he's a bird, I'm a bird. Forever is only forever if we're together.. and believe me, I'm aware of what that sounds like.. I love him. I love him unlike anyone I've ever loved before. The blue of his eyes fills me up to the brim with this feeling. Sometimes feel like if I don't tell him I love him in that moment, if I don't kiss him I may die from the ache of wanting to.

Love makes me feel dramatic. Even back here at home, I find myself filling up time till I get to see him. Even at the studio when were both supposed to be working.. I find myself distracted by his smile.. or the color of his eyes. Don't get me started at the text messages of sweet interludes. Shifts at Red Cup seem to drag, going home to my apartment doesn't even feel so bright. I know what color looks like.. what it feels like

But that place he pulls back from.. his fear of tainting my soul.. of condemning me for taking my virginity, none of that matters in the long run.. Because Jack is my only happiness

I can't find my old book ... Figures don't it? Probably at the apartment I pay for and almost never see. Not that I'm complaining in the least bit. My life is beautiful, and wonderful. I can't remember the last time I was able to sit down with my thoughts, a fresh sheet of paper, and not think about writing a song, or a recipe or some sappy love note to Jack. I can't remember the last time I sat down with a piece of paper and started writing my thoughts, for no one but me.

That's the kind of year it's been I guess. There's a lot to catch up on, but now I feel like I have all the time in the world to do it. Jack had told me, had warned me, once we started down this path, it was going to go fast and there was no getting off. Thankfully my manager has somehow managed to clear my schedule for Gods know how long. I really do love him ...Still. Always.

And I get the very distinct feeling that he's not sticking around just for the french toast either. It hasn't been an easy year for us either. Being Jack Dalmaine's girlfriend, trying to be my own star. Trying to make it without everyone seeing me as riding Jack's coattails.. not that he'd ever let anyone actually publish something like that. Our relationship has always been ours. Our own little world, sometimes out and out displayed for the world. But we keep it private, we keep it personal.

The PR train had started not long after my birthday last year, after Jack told me loved me and wanted to date me. I'm pretty sure if Ed Sheeran ever called to do a collab Jack very well might hang up on him. But I love our private jokes. The Beginning of the PR train seemed easy. I had Jack with me some of the time, most of the time really. Finished up pieces of the Album I wanted to do, and things that sounded like my own genuine voice. Late nights in the studio..


A year out in the great big world. A year doing interviews, learning to talk to the press. Learning how to be gracious, how to be on point even when you're dead tired. Gigs in big stadiums, or small bards and clubs. Nothing will ever compare to opening for Jack in the Garden... but that was Jack's name selling out those seats. Most of the world didn't have a clue who I was back then. Now though, that's a bit of a different story. A year learning how to make my voice heard as Sabina St. James. Not just Jack Dalmaine's girlfriend.

But the times that I missed him were huge. Phone calls, long distance. He still had a company, a band his own album, his own interviews to take care of. Oh, to be a Rockstar couple... Harder than it looks, but just my luck, Jack and I ..we can make it through anything I think.

We were on a long stretch.. It had been a while since we were in the same room together, but the Elle Interview was in Los Angeles, a small hop skip back to Basin City, and I could wipe my schedule, pull the plug and convince my Boss/Rockstar/Manager/Boyfriend to run away with me for a bit.. I was hedging my bets that he was going to need it as much as I would.

As the universe would have it, I was only finishing the last question when out of nowhere he began to clap. Be still my heart at that Rock God standing there, beaming with pride at me. He could own any room he wanted with those gorgeous blues and that perfect smile of his.

Just him standing there, saying "Let's disappear for a while." How could he know everything I wanted in that moment? Me, him, Frankie and Bones.. and just an adventure. A Jack and Sabs Adventure.. Prompted and nearly ruined by the Return of Voldemort...

I know how this goes. I read the Harry Potter Books enough to know that there are seven horcruxes and that Voldemort will return so long as they stay in tact. The truth is, I'm not even remotely mad at Jack. He told me the story, what she was to him, what he was made to be. He never had a chance and he believed he never had a choice. But Her she's always had a choice. She's always chosen to use Jack. Her faithful trusty back up, her "best friend" ... And no matter what it's ever done to him, she's always thought about herself and what she's gotten out of it.

Not anymore.. Jack knows he has a choice. He knows that he comes first. He knows what it's like to have someone that really loves him.. or at least I hope I've done enough to show him that. I'm counting the miles that we run further and further away from that inkblot stain that's ruining California for him right now. Enjoying the way that he puts his arms around me, the way I feel comforted beneath his hands..

Now I get to be here, somewhere North in Oregon, or maybe we're in Washington... who knows? ...I'd beg him to cross international boarders just to keep this feeling longer. I love my rockstar lifestyle ... but in these quiet moments, the ones where we don't worry about anything... I just want to be the thing that makes him happy.

My family has a tradition about birthdays. You get one meal of your choosing, breakfast, lunch or dinner. You get one activity and you get cake and ice cream and one birthday wish. I didn't make a big fuss about my birthday. I haven't for years. Diedra and the Red Cup staff are always told not to really say anything. Normally Diedra will call me the day before, or the day after, and Marek will make me blow out a candle in a cupcake. My birthdays are traditions that my parents still keep.

My father will call me and sing me happy birthday playing his guitar. Two hours behind and he will still call me at 7:03AM to tell me that this was the very minute that he was told I was his. Whatever long fought battle he and my mom had been though, that singular phone call that told him they had won. I don't know 6/8 is my actual birth day, or if it's my adoption day, but every morning for the last four years my phone has rang at 5:03AM and it's my dad singing Happy birthday.

A few hours later my mom calls me and makes me promise to take the money she's sending me and either take myself out of to dinner or make her world famous chicken cacciatore. Even when we're in a stand off, my parents hold true to the idea that their little girl has turned another year old.

My morning started with my dad and ended with that phone call to Jack. I'd debated for a while in my morning rundown with Simon if I was going to call him. I knew what I really wanted for my birthday. I knew where I'd rather be. Anywhere he was but I also knew that I couldn't be that selfish right? Not on my birthday. Could I?

Maybe I could, but I hadn't talked to him since that song had been blared across all of America's airwaves. It wasn't a long conversation. I didn't even get it out of him where he was before my tongue was just getting away from itself. All I wanted was a Jack and Sabina adventure. As selfish as it sounded to interrupt his path, his journey to self discovery, I could be selfish right?

I can't ruin this Sabs.. ..But I was prepared for the let down. He urged me to go out with Cal and Ink, that Bluu was having some sort of special, but I wanted what I couldn't have.

Leave it to Jack to say something and then make it happen. Sure enough, Cal was hitting me up. One hour. Bring your dancing shoes ...It was my birthday. I could do one thing. And that one thing was rock the best dress I could. I was going to show off, without thought or reservation. I was going to prove that I could still have a good night out, even if I didn't get what I wanted...


The dress was everything I wasn't. Black Lace, thin strapped, high slit on either side, and low dipped enough to promise to show that tattoo that no one knew I had. Well.. almost no one.. I even went so far into my party girl drawer that I put all of those pretty lilac curls under a short cropped pale wig. Finishing touches of a dramatic plush pink across my lips and I heard the limo pull up. The most purple stretch hummer limo in all of California. Inky breeched the sunroof calling up to me while Mr Vegas himself, donned in sparkles and all measure of glitz and glam demanded my presence down there.

I have to admit.. just seeing that limo I knew tonight wasn't going to be an ordinary night, no ordinary birthday. To be honest, I'd already shed all of my reservation in asking for what I wanted, in wearing that knock out of a dress, tonight I was just going to have the biggest blow out I could with two of my very best friends. The inside of that limo was insane. Purple being my absolute favorite color I was psyched! And the inside of that Limo... that was going to a fucking party. Maybe Jack has rubbed off on me a little... One Toast and we were on our way to Bluu, which was no longer very blue.

Jack's baby had been turned purple for the guest of honor for Friday night apparently. Stepped out and ushed into the club, Cal had to be the envy of the whole place. Ink on one arm, me on the other. I couldn't believe it. Even the inside had been all changed out and done up on purples and crystals. The glitter of chandliers made the whole place seem way more like a dream. Even Cal paused in surprise. It only meant that Jack was behind this transformation entirely. I even got a crown that looked like it had been made for a Rockstar or an evil queen, so of course I was in the mindset to rock it entirely and all night.

Drinks and dancing had been fun. That dress I wore made to draw so many eyes and it got so much attention. Again, my compliments to Cal Sterling for being able to handle the looks he was being given as he escorted Inky and I to the VIP lounge. That's where things, started to maybe get a little intense for the birthday queen as I called myself.

Vegas The idea of it all the way Cal spoke about it, the way I had been denied. Sure, maybe it wasn't my white whale of an adventure, but I needed something. Some grand scheme for my birthday that would go as planned. I mean, spontaneously planned as one could get. Inky showed a hint of hesitance but Cal was in for just flying by the seat of our pants and making a sudden trip to Vegas a reality. That was, until that song hit me. The DJ had started it up and almost instantly I could feel my insides turn.

For what had been an impossibly good night, I couldn't want to hear that song knowing Jack was so very far away. I needed to get out, to catch my breath, to seal myself back to having a good time and I needed to do it before Cal or Inky saw that look in my eyes. The little flicker of disappointed emotion.


Gods Bless and thank my lucky stars for Inky and Cal. One right after the other handling my small need for a hint of privacy. Cal getting the DJ to play out something else while Ink hyped me right back up. My best friend in the whole wide world and Jack's Best friend assuring that I would have the perfect birthday. How little I fucking new that the two were cahooters right then and there. A birthday shot. Cal had asked for, and maybe it was something in my eyes that said it but I was intent. Tonight, before my birthday was over I was going to do something I wanted to do.

When the waitress arrived with the shot, Cal paused me from downing it right then and there You need to make a wish and I hadn't blown out fire for my day yet, so why not a birthday shot. Eyes closed that breathe taken. I didn't even need to think about it. I want my adventure with Jack ..It was as simple and quick as that before fire was blown out. And then, my song started again. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the look on the co-conspirator's face or maybe it was the fact that I knew not only that song but that voice.

It wasn't the track, it was Jack's voice. It was Jack singing! And in a moment from that stage and that heavy fog, there he was. Stealing all the attention of the club, making those fans scream and those blues. Those blues that I'd missed for weeks now holding me right there. My birthday wish, the one person that I'd ever wished for was climbing off of that stage, singing those lyrics to me like I felt he really meant them. Taking my hand, I cold feel him, real as could possibly be as he took me up on that stage. Inky and Cal in tow and with Jack as the center of my world, he hit that bridge.

That heartfelt confession I couldn't breath.. I couldn't think. And before I could say anything, there he was, on that stage, holding my face and kissing me. My life will never be the same after kissing Jack Dalmaine. Filled with such hunger, a need and desire that rocked me to my core. To reflect that back, that sudden warmth. I swore my heart would burst but it was only warm. It was everything I had been waiting for, wanting, aching.. In that moment there was no Bluu, no crowd cheering or Cal and Inky cheery. It was just him.. His surprise that he didn't want to ruin. Jack Dalmaine was my birthday present


Even Vegas had become a distant memory. Agreed upon, but I no longer needed it tonight. Cal and Inky claimed my gaudy purple Limo and with my hand in his, Jack took me home. Without even asking, without even needing to, I knew I wanted to, needed to spend the night in Jack's arms. Awkward, comfortable, warm.. Up to his apartment there wasn't this heated, primal need to just attack and shred clothing, but to be close. When those blues pulled me into his apartment, my hand in his, he pulled that wig and my crown. Wanting to just see me and I needed to feel him so much closer in that moment. You look beautiful and sexy as hell.

It's a need I'm not sure how to explain. A need I've never had before. But looking at Jack, back dropped to the whole glittering city, when he says that he needed to be better for me. He needed to be more, my heart leaps and I'm not quite sure what sort of confessions I can offer. Instead, Jack offers his.. That despite his complications, despite the hairline fractures of fault and the glaring obvious work relationship we still need to have, he wants to date me. I love you Sabs ... those three words couple with my name and my whole soul both aches and soothes. Jack loves me and God damn it, I love him too.

The touch of his forehead to mine and I feel almost that return of that weight. I've thought about loving Jack for so long.. I've loved him from before I can remember and I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him about what Lost Stars meant to me, about what he means to me. I want to show him all of the pieces about myself that I know are crazy and clumsy and promise him that even in all of his faults, I would love him more. When I tell him I love him, it feels so shallow of a word. So shallow of a meaning. But kissing Jack.. it's becoming my addiction.

Before things get too heated, I catch the exhaustion in him. He must have driven all night and from fairly far away to make it in time. Pulling all nighters just to be my birthday present. So I change for bed, the perfect Floyd shirt of Jack's that may become my new favorite. But before I peel out of that dress I make him unzip me. I make his hands linger. I've never had sex before but the idea of Jack's hands on me his being the only hands that know me like that.. I'm a little heated as I step out of the restroom and over to the bed.

Come to bed beautiful And all the weight of that desire, if I thought it had been a smooth line then, now it was just melting me in the best places. But it was different, crawling into that bed beside Jack. His arm pulled me in and I curled into his side. My head to his shoulder, knowing that tattooed flesh as he wrapped his arm around me. There was no struggle in us anymore. No fight to deny what both of us were trying to back pedal from. Just to fall into the best sleep I could ever want, Jack's arms around me, listening to his heartbeat, knowing that he had come back for me. for me