Status
-
Favored Items
~~~Jewelry Worn~~~
Amber Necklace on Silver chain.
~~~Clothing~~~
Jacket
Shirt
Pants
~~~Items Carried~~~
Cigarette Case
Lighter
Phone
~~~Other Items~~~
Violin
Guitar
-
Journal
-
Unexpected Events October 7th 2016, 1:26 am
I finally managed to pass my contract onto Mistress Kasimira. It wasn't long after that that I changed. And I don't mean in days or that I was doing things different. I ment I changed within minutes of handing it over. I grew horns, my ears changed, my tails, my ears. My skin. I became something else. My body and who I was changed physically to better fit with my Mistress as she now owns my soul.
What happened after that was chaos and vert interesting indeed. I left my Mistresses and eventualy made it back to the Hostel, drunk. And hungry. When I got there Hawk was in my room, naked and bloody. I was so hungry I could barily restrain myself, but I do know I was a bit handsy in shoving him toward the bathroom to shower. It is a lucky thing my carpet can hide blood stains in its patterns.
Anyway, when Hawk went to shower I think I passed out for a bit, as next thing I know I have my head in Wolf Girls lap and I hear Hawk saying something about being naked. I am unsure of the details much after that. But I do remember pouncing on Hawk and Wolf Girl being pulled into things. I remember flashes of tasting Hawk, Feeling him while filling Wolf Girl. And not much else. The next morning I woke with both of them in my bed. The shower that morning was more clear. And even more unexpected.
But it has become clear to me that both Hawk and Wolf Girl need to learn a few things. Both seem to have not experienced much intimacy and I suspect that the events have led to some growing infatuation between them. I am not sure how to handle this, but I do know it is a dangerous thing. If Hawk is what I suspect he is, then Wolf Girl will not be getting a happy ever after. But we can only hope. If not that they realize it is not a deep connection they think it is, or that Wolf Girl understands that Hawk will likely never be able to settle sexually with just her. Lust demons just do not do Monogamy. We would starve or end up killing out 'mates'.
I need to find a proper Alpha Werewolf to teach Wolf Girl the things she needs to know. I don't have the time or the energy to do so and handle all my other business and responsibilities. I will be spending more time in the forests and swamps to find one. -
Coming Changes October 3rd 2016, 1:55 pm
The annoying man, Mulo, is still around. There was an incident where he struck me in anger and yelled at me. It caused some negative effects on me for a while. but hopefully we have things worked out. He is a good Dom, big in every way. I just hope he stays in control of himself. If he hits me like that again I am sure Acaeus would kill him.
My Hostel is doing so well. There is just one room left that is open, and yet people who stay for a night or two seem to do so on the couch or in my room. I don't mind really, most of the time I don't even use the room for anything but getting dressed. But due to an Assassin sticking around the place and my task to watch him until my Mistress had things straightened out I have found myself staying at the Hostel more often then not.
On another note, it seems my contract was indeed regained. Though instead of handing it to my Mistress, it was passed on to me. It is certainly an odd feeling being this whole again. But it wont last long. Mistress Kasimira will have my contract in the end. I can already feel the part of me that was a Daemon dying. My soul will change yet again when she has the contract. And I am somewhat on edge on how I will change. Because I know I will.
On a brighter note, I have not only claimed Abyll as my Mate, but have gained Mistresses permission and 'Blessing' on the matter. She approves, and the bond is complete. I could not be happier. I have plans for the future, but much of that will not happen yet. We shall see.
It seems I am also becoming a bit of a counsel for those that either don't realize what they are or are in denial as to not only their own origin but the fact that anything more then humans exist. Even something as simple as Vampirism seems so far fetched to people. I just don't understand. Specially when I do see humans believe in zombie apocalypses and yet don't believe vampires are possible? Really? And Werewolves too? Humans are childish. -
Looking up September 22nd 2016, 11:56 pm
Things have certainly been looking up lately. I cant remember a time in my life that I was this happy. Everything seems to be falling into place and settling. Mistress Kasi is happy with me, proud even. I am doing great with my Hostel, it opened its doors and I already have two tenants living here. I have my precious Treasure as mine. Fully mine. And Acaeus is looking at me with smiles again, calling me Brother!
I have to wonder if all the hell I have been through in my life is repaying me for the chaos. Its what I wanted. Acaeus back as my Brother. And amusingly enough it was a cage fight that seemed to make things all better. We met through fighting, so I suppose it makes sense.
I did meet an annoying man though. He turns my game back on me, flusters me to the point I cant think quickly enough to speak around my verbal restrictions. How can I defend myself from what he says when I cant speak lies but I would be damned if I admit how much he effected me. Fuck. The mans bigger then Acaeus! And has a cock well worth the ride. God forbid he ever see this, I would never live it down. Fucking Bastard.
I have lived life long enough to know something is going to give. Hell will break loose soon. Something will happen to spoil my happiness. But for now, I am going to enjoy life and be happy for once that I exist.
It has been so long since I felt this alive. -
Missing Pieces September 13th 2016, 6:25 pm
I am more excited about the project with the Hostel then I expected. Everything seems to be going smoothly. The building is finished, and I have people working on Bedroom sets, kitchenware and bathroom supplies. And I even went shopping for a lot of things I want to test out once my room in the place is set up. I even got a keyboard so I can learn a different branch of music.
It was surprising to find Acaeus of all people waiting out front of the place not long after I had spread the fliers around. But I am getting so many confusing thoughts about him, feelings I don't understand, from both myself and him. It makes no sense to me. The confusion was so great I felt physically sick and found myself ranting on the my ideas for the Hostel and what we might need and what I want for it just to take my mind off what might be clouding my mind. Something is wrong, I just don't know what it is.
I knew we were lovers. Acaeus was strong. And even now I miss him pinning me down and having his way with me. But despite that lust and need, which is natural considering what I am and what I like. But one thought keeps invading my mind. A simple innocent and painful little phrase that made my chest tight and my throat close up. So many reasons. So many. So much confusion. Things I want to know. Want to ask. I know something went wrong. And I know it is likely some fuck up I did. Maybe? I don't know. I hate this. Another part of my life that is missing. But I am ageless now, and cant help the morbid thought that in another hundred years, would today even matter? I hope so. But the phrase. It wont go away.
I miss my Brother -
Falling into place September 10th 2016, 12:56 pm
I scanned the pages I had already written. I remember the agony, but it isn't the same anymore. When I try to figure out what I feel about it now it is a strange sense of confused betrayal and loss. He wasn't my Acaeus. Mistress Kasimira assured me of that. He was just a demon with my Acaeuss face and body.
I think back on it and see some hints I should have known. He claimed to love me right? Yet he lashed out in anger and violence. He did not let me speak, did not try to let me understand. I know I am Masochistic, but the level of violence. It felt wrong. That was not how one is meant to handle love, is it?
I did a lot of thinking lately. Trying to understand things. And have come to some dark conclusions. But I am slowly rising out of this pit I found myself in.
Useless. Meaningless. Without reason. Pointless. These are things I have felt over the last few years. That I had lost a reason to go on beyond serving my Mistress. That I had no impact personally anymore. I had no real meaning. It took a while, but I am crawling out of that pit. I see reason now. I see light. I have a place.
I have been watching things, observing. And as much as I am coming to understand things, I don't understand what is going on. Mistress Kasimira said Acaeus was not my Acaeus. He was just some demon using me to get to her. Using me to get what it wants, and failed. But despite this failure, why do I get such rage from them when they see me? It was not my fault he was caught was it? If I was just a means to an end, why feel such anger and pain when seeing me? It does not make sense to me. Maybe I am missing something. But the emotions don't quite fit what I am told. I dont understand. But I will keep watching, trying to find the missing pieces. Something is not right though. Maybe its a new tact? But that doesn't fit either.
I am tempted, so tempted to go back. Go back and see him as he was in my memories. One night with how he used to be all those years ago. One night wont hurt would it? -
Lost Hope August 27th 2016, 2:29 pm
Everything I have clung to for two hundred years is gone. My sacrifices, my pain, my hope. What is there to cling to now? Why do I even bother letting myself hope? Why do I let the poison into my heart and love? That's all it is, poison. It is always the same. I fall in love, and I am left behind. Always left behind. Never worthy of it. No matter what I do.
This has broken me. He gives every pretty face a chance, and the one time I ask for one he brutalizes me in every way possible. I am just a thing to be discarded the moment I do something perceived wrong. I am now stuck in a promise. He wants me to prove myself? Then I will not feed anymore. I know its to late, and he never actually loved me. I know he will watch as I deteriorate and pass into a state I cant easily recover from. Mistress is not going to be happy. But in this I wont change my mind easily, not even for her.
The betrayal time after time that I brushed aside because he didn't know what he was doing. Chance after chance he has lied to me, turned away from me. Broken the one promise I asked of him, time and again. Over and Over. But he doesn't see it. Doesn't see what he has done to me over the years. I can feel the poison in my heart. This love will be my destruction, and it will warp how I feel about him. Take the easy way out like you always do Acaeus. Turn your back on the one person that has always been on your side. You have before, time after time. And despite this, despite this pain. And even should this poison I feel turn to hate for you as I fear it might. I know, still, that I will be here for you.
I will always be here if you should need me. Even if it is for what ever temporary salve you need for what pain you feel at the time. After all, what difference does it make between now and two hundred years ago? It will always be the same. The only difference now, is that I wont have you to lean on when I need you. But again, that was always how it was. This isn't the first time you hated me for some foolish misunderstanding. I think I will speak to Mistress. Its a cowards way out. But you have done the same more then once yourself. Taken the cowards way out. Why should I not be selfish for once and do something to serve myself. -
Repeat August 24th 2016, 12:56 pm
I find myself looking at the pages of an empty book again. it has been far to many years since I wrote in a jounrla. Far to many years since I felt the need for it. I have managed to keep a surprisingly level head over the past few days events. But I still cant help but feel off.
I had had a fight with Acaeus and was sitting in my hiding spot, a place I didn't think anyone would even think to find me. Thinking of ways to handle my pain. Acaeus had told me I had failed in raising our children. Did he honestly expect a child of mine to remain innocent for two hundred years? She became an adult before she turned twenty and he expects her to remain pure and honest and innocent for a hundred and eighty years? The very concept just confuses me. And he seemed to think after all this time that she would fall in and obey him.
While I was trying to wrap my head around all the facts and the pain, I heard some part of the building I was housed in crumble and went to investigate. Bow was I surprised to find Theo. My old Master. More chocking, he was wearing slum clothing like I normally wear. It didn't fit him. He took me away from the place and we had a chat. The understanding fell into place smoothly. A lot had changed over the years, but there is no reason to even hope things would change between us much. Theo would never love me, and that is perfectly fine by me. In his own way I know he cares. Why else would he bother finding me?
I got some stress relief from him that helped alot and borrowed some cloths of his to go tend to business. Mine was to dirty after sleeping in that run down place for days to wear out again. I met up with Abyl to get more Tattoos I decided I wanted. He was more then happy to comply. And when I left afterwords I headed to get my things from that run down building to drop off at my new hiding spot.
Seems Acaeus spotted me on my way and followed. What followed was one of the worse times in my life. And it wasn't even long. It was shockingly short. As if I wasn't even worth the time to make my case.
I don't understand. I don't understand how Acaeus can turn to so many women. One after another and give himself to them so fully. Fight for them, fight to be with them time and again. And when they break him, turn to me for comfort. And I do what I can to make him feel better. Only for him to do it again. Each time a pretty face pulls him in, he leaves me behind, forgetting me until I am needed again. I cant help but feel that is all I am worth to him. Nothing but a means to recover and rebound. And now? After all I have done for him. He does not even try to fight for me. I am not worth the fight that women are. I am not worth the risk. I was fully willing to give up on everyone else. Even talk to my mistress to explain to her what I wanted. But he didn't give me a chance. No, I was not even able to tell him I loved him before he shattered me and left me.
Is it normal to give up everything for someone before declarations of love are even exchanged? Was there something I missed? How was I supposed to know I was supposed to dedicate myself wholey to just him before I told him I loved him? Specialty when he had already told me he could not love me back. Did he expect me to drop everything that I am after that to prove it? Was I supposed to prove it? I am so lost.
In the end, I struggle to handle the situation. I can tell Theo thinks I am not handling things right because I haven't broken down in tears yet. I think he's right. I fear when I will break fully. What will set me off? When?
I took his skull and stored it in my Treasure Horde. Looking at it causes me so much pain now. But it is precious, and I will never be rid of it. So it will stay safe among the few other treasures I keep.
Went on vacation with Abyll. We both needed the away time. So I spent a couple days with him away from the city and letting him dance beneath the stars. His dedication is something that reminds me of myself with Tho. The similarities are both reasuring and painful. Because much like myself and Theo, He loves me so deeply, but I can not give him the love he wants. How can I when I heart belongs to men I will never have the love of? With Theo it is something I accepted from the start. It is not how we are. Its not how we work. And if the man ever tells me he loves me, despite my love for him I would honestly think he possessed or controled my someone. Or even replaced. It just isnt something that will or even should happen. But Acaeus. I have waited so long for my chance. And now, not only has he thrown away the prospect of love. But he has turned away from me so completely I dont even have a friend in him anymore.
I don't understand how he could do this to me. Taking away that hope and going further by taking everything else we had from me. What do I have left to stand on now? My future holds nothing but a shroud of uncertainty. Without that hope, I see myself falling back into things I used to be. Why should I avoid feeding with sex like I had been if he does not want me? So I feed freely as I please. Be it from pleasure, pain, terror. I have no reason anymore to hold back. At least in this Mistress Kasimira will be proud. My demon side is starting to make its true claim.
-
