Ryder Scott

The break that I decided was so important is truly fucking me over. I can't exactly complain entirely, since I really think it gave me the chance to breathe. But really.. It has only prolonged me staying in this damn city. I have been keeping my distance from Uncle B. He's given up on calling me, and at first I was relieved. Of course now.. There's a small sliver of me that might just be worried about him. I'm sure he's fine. If anything, he must be pissed at me for pretty much disappearing. At least I would hope so.



I haven't read or listened to the news in a very long time. Mainly because I didn't want to know anything about what he was doing. Somehow, though.. I know I will have to see him. The same reason why I chose to come back to close out this fucking degree I'm getting. Unlike him, I don't walk away from shit... Even when it gets uncomfortable and difficult. Lately that is all that my mind has been plagued with. Thoughts of him and this immense dislike for him. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But I think the older I get, the more resentful I become. He hasn't even tried to find me. He's a smart fucking guy. But he doesn't even try. Not like I should talk. I ghosted the one person who actually gives a shit about me...



I had a very... Interesting thing happen to me today. I may have made a friend? Well, maybe not a friend. She's an acquaintance. To be honest, it very well could have been a passing.. Sort of thing. I don't fucking know. What I really don't fucking know is how I managed to grab a coffee with her. I especially don't know who it was that invited her out on Friday or even managed to get her number? I'm not the most outspoken person and for some reason it was so easy to be in a second. I don't fucking know. I'm not... This isn't normal for me. A lot of things about me are changing...Mentally and physically. I went for my annual exam and I told the doc how I do fucking nothing as far as exercise and now... All he could say is "well, you have good genes." Good genes? Are you fucking kidding me?



If that's true, then these mental changes I'm having... I can't end up like him... Ranting about some fucking shadow that won't leave him alone... Shit, I...

...Fuck...

I've been on the road. Ever have a case of the fuck its? Well, this time, it hit me hard. After extensive negotiations with my professors, I was able to become an online student while I took my POS car around the country for a bit. The bullshit this city gave me was more than enough reason for me to disappear for a year. And now I'm back. Reluctantly so. Traveling on the road was both liberating and exactly what I needed. After about a week or so, sleeping in a car wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I just had to remember to lock my doors. Not because of other people, but because I didn't want to look like a punching bag on top of already looking homeless. But I met a lot of cool people along the way. Being alone forced me to actually try social interaction. Met a lot of cool musicians too, made some connections that I just might use later.


A picture of an actual smile. The only one in existence. Taken by a roadie of one of the bands I met.

They added a fountain on the quad. I can already see the jocks taking a piss in that thing. Maybe BCU should have allocated that money towards more goddamn parking, instead of creating a giant urinal.



It's strange coming back. Sitting in a classroom again. The city feels familiar but after seeing so many things over the past year.. I definitely feel claustrophobic now. If this wasn't my senior year, if my stubborn ass could just say 'fuck it' one more time.. I would be back on that road. I'm pretty handy with coding, I could get a remote gig and work from my car.
But no, unlike a person I know, I don't leave shit unfinished. I follow things through. So here I am, sitting on a bench at BCU... Wondering why the hell I'm here. I haven't called Uncle B yet, not even sure if I want to. When I do, I know he'll insist on me living with him again, or he'll get me another apartment. Like I want to pay him rent money every month. No. No thanks. I'll work some gigs at Strange Brew, maybe. I wonder if Sky is still around, maybe I can get my old job back. Not that I truly want it back. But hey.. Money is money. And if it means living under my own rented roof.. Shit. That would be worth it.

It keeps replaying in my head. What Uncle B told me. I wonder what he was thinking when he was dying. I wonder if he saw my face at all. I wonder if he does even now... Now that he has that second chance.

Should I expect a phone call? Dad? Should I visit you and check up on you like Uncle B said I should?
Everything here has one simple fucking answer: No.

It was strange though. It got me thinking of what I would have done if that phone call didn't have such a miracle ending. If you actually did die. I wonder if I would cry. I'm sure there are plenty that would think I'm heartless. Cold, even. But that is where our relationship ended up. Cold and distant. But even then.. Even through this bullshit we have... I still would remember my last words to you. I would forever have that in the back of my mind. And you know what? As much as I hate to admit it, I would fucking regret them. Because I never wanted to be like you. I never wanted to leave this hole between us, like you did. I wanted to be better than you. I still do.

So maybe there's a shot for you after all. If you reached out to me, I just might take it. Because I'm trying to be better about this shit. I guess that's what they call maturity. Or in my case, burying the hatchet. Because I'm tired of feeling nothing but anger.. I'm so... Angry. All the fucking time. And it's exhausting. I'm so, so tired, Dad. And for once in my life, I just want you to just... Be there.



I had to get out of my head. I haven't been in the studio in over a month. Yeah, I know. But my internship had me working everyday for the most part. Honestly, if they stopped the program tomorrow, I don't think I'd shed a tear over it. But I can't quit. Mentally I just can't. So... Here I am.
I went to that place in the corner of the city. That tiny coffee joint that has open mics every night. Apparently the owners are gone for the weekend. Or maybe I just missed them. Didn't matter because as fate would have it, there was also somebody who missed them too. And it was Uncle B's friend, Dev.

It's strange how easy it is to talk to her. How conversation slips in between us. Even when I think I'm speaking another language... She's fluent in it. It's strange. But I'm not going to question it. Never thought I'd meet somebody who mirrors my own awkwardness. I welcome it, of course. Small conversation gave way to Brian. She didn't know he was the Lieutenant. Odd, since I thought they were close.. Shit, if I had to say anything, I'd think Uncle B has a bit of a soft spot for her for some reason. Which is weird because she doesn't look like the car type. I'm not about to pick a part that situation...
She wanted me to play something since I had my guitar and I may or may not have told her I'm a bit of a musician. And, before I knew it, I let it slip that I just got signed. So, yeah.. She wanted a song. I have to say, that made me more nervous than standing in front of a crowded room. I guess it's because I knew she was focusing on me. Yeah. But just as I started to play and I saw her smiling, enjoying the music... Suddenly it didn't seem so bad.

She had to go shortly after that. But she gave me her card in case I need a gig or maybe just to chat? I don't know. Possibly both. But either way, I appreciate it. Because for once, in this crazy, fucked up city... I don't feel like an alien.

He called me. After weeks of staring at my phone, wondering if I should be the one to make the effort, he called me. He sounded broken, torn. Of course it wasn't the most lengthy conversation ever. In fact I know that he was struggling to keep it casual. I have a feeling he was trying to keep himself together. And it's funny, because the way his voice shook, a part of me felt bad for the guy. He was trying. Whatever Uncle B told him, it obviously got through to him. We're supposed to go get coffee sometime this weekend. The city has been a bit calm so maybe he'll be able to fit it into his oh-so busy schedule. Though, I'm not holding my fucking breath on that one.



Something happened. Something that I didn't think would. And maybe this was the universe feeling sorry for me for once. At any rate, I'll take it. I was spending my time away from school doing one of the things I love to do: drink coffee and get lost in a book. One of which I relate to completely. It was going to be just a typical Sunday for me. I figured when I was done, I'll go back to my place and jam a little, maybe head over to Uncle B's garage on 7th and work on the car some more. But that was all shot to hell when I felt that...
I still don't know how I can sense her. Her scent is so strong. It scared the shit out of me. I really thought I no longer needed to be asleep to have my mind fuck with me. But then I heard that voice, and when I looked up--

It was impossible in my mind. It didn't make sense. She was so happy in Louisiana, doing so well there with school, that fucking sorority... There was absolutely no way that she could be here. But she was. And she looked more perfect than what I had in my mind. Because she is one of the good thoughts I have nowadays. Quite suddenly, I forgot what I was reading. Where I was... Hell, the city we were in. All I could see was her. She's been a constant thought in this fucked up mind of mine. One of which that makes all the chaos in my life slow to a point where I believe I can handle it.



She wanted a tour of sorts, she wanted to get lost with me and I.. Was extremely cautious with that. She's here for an internship, and soon I'll be starting my own. In a place I'm sure my father would not want me. Anyway.. I took her to the park, and for those few hours, nothing could touch me. I smiled more in that short amount of time than I have ever since I moved here. It's funny though, I had to laugh at myself for a minute. I was so careful around her. She is far too attractive for me, and her intelligence puts her miles above most people I know. I was convinced she probably had a LaCrosse and boat shoe wearing, blonde hair asshole to call her boyfriend. Some guy who was on the fast track to either politics or his daddy's law firm. But when she said no... That she wasn't with anyone at all.. Well, that changed everything.



It's only an internship. Which means eventually, she'll go back. I can't get myself in too deep... Because I know if I do, I'll lose what little ground I've gained since moving. And I can't... I can't lose it now. I've fooled myself into believing I could actually have a semi normal life someday, I don't want to fuck that up. But I have to admit.
For that last minute and a half in the park... I was ready to give it all up.

I've been doing alright. I'm mostly caught up with everything in school which means I have enough time to actually work. I'm still.. I have to still stay up in order to avoid any "mishaps". I'd rather have dark circles around my eyes than cuts on my face. It doesn't exactly go over well with the general student population. And I'd rather not have the faculty looking at me like some kind of charity case. Which I have experienced. It's not great. In all this craziness, there was one person I was happy to see invite me out for a drink. Uncle B had been busy with life and apparently lining up interviews. So when I saw him in that suit, I had to laugh a bit. It was weird seeing him actually look corporate. I met his bartender friend, Dev. And that...



It was strange. Then again introductions in general are weird social requirements. I normally avoid them at all cost. Which is probably why I don't have any friends. Not exactly a huge loss in my book. Trying to explain my shit would be more of a burden than anything else so I keep people at a distance. But with this one... It didn't feel like I had to explain myself or even change the way I am. She was just as awkward as I am, which makes me think that conversation with her might actually be worth having.

It wasn't long until Uncle B would mention that he was going to visit my father in the hospital. How he almost died the other night. And yeah, of course that resonated with me. Though I don't want to admit it, Brian was right. It would be a pretty shitty feeling if something did happen to him and I didn't have that conversation with him first. Maybe he's right. Maybe I just need to get it out, yell at him.. Let him know how he fucked me over big time. But at then again...

He was the one who made it like this. He wanted this isolation. He had everything and did everything to destroy it. Maybe he wants to be alone. You don't see him busting through the door, demanding my goddamn attention. I'm convinced he wants to wallow in his own failures.
It's what he does best.

I've been laying low since I got here. Just been taking my classes and keeping to myself. He has no fucking idea I'm here. I know Uncle Brian told him I was coming but.. I don't think he knows. Maybe he's leaving that shit up to me. Letting me decide when to talk to him. Because I know my dad.. And he'll stake out at the school if he knew I was around. Just to "check up" on me. Right. How old am I?



Uncle Brian is helping me with the car, showing me how to rebuild an engine. I have to say, it helps me get my mind off things. And off of what I left. I'm sure she's okay. I'm sure by now she is suffering through some really boring dates and wishing she was making blanket forts. Yeah. There I go. Convincing myself that I'm worth a damn. Who am I kidding? I disappointed her the same way he disappointed me. It's all the same. It's all fucking abandonment. And I'm not any better than he is. I have that asshole gene in me, and it burned the one person that made sense in this shithole of a world. So I'm keeping busy. Trying to fill my mind up with schematics of a V8 and schoolwork. I stay up until I can barely keep my eyes open. Why? Because apparently when I do... I don't go anywhere. I don't take those nightly walks that I can't ever fucking remember.. Only to wake up with my face a mess. As much as the lack of sleep sucks, my face isn't cut up.. It isn't bruised. I only have dark circles to deal with. At least people aren't looking at Uncle Brian like a criminal. Honestly? He's-

I won't say it. But you get it. He spends more time with me in a single week than Dad ever did in a month. I don't even fucking care what mental shit he was going through. What about me? What about your own fucking son? I used to be okay with it, knowing that his job is hard and he works insane hours. But what killed me? I saw him on television.. Giving an interview about how he saved the sister of his Lieutenant. He saved her. To her, he is probably the biggest fucking hero. And while he's out there saving the world... I'm here. Dealing with this shit completely alone. As I always have done. Even when we lived in the same house, we weren't living together. Even when he was here, he was never... Here.

Oh yes, the brave and heroic Captain Donald Darko...



What a fucking joke.

It wasn't the best hour and a half in my life. Definitely wasn't my favorite either. It wasn't over lunch or dinner.. I didn't want to spoil a meal. But it had to happen. Fuck.

We met at the Haymarket. Because I didn't even want to ruin her workplace by doing what I had to do. I got there an hour early. And the whole time waiting.. My mind was betraying me, trying to convince me that this didn't have to happen. But I knew better. I was transferring. There was nothing left for me here. And every night, every day.. Was getting worse.
She breezed right in, like she always does. Funny how when you know a goodbye is on the line, you suddenly notice the little things about a person. Like how she always holds doors open for the elderly, greets the baristas first before finding her seat... Fuck, how she smiles even when she sees my bruised up face. Why does she have to fucking smile?



I tried. I tried to carry on at first like nothing was wrong. But there is always something wrong. And she always knows it. But when the waitress came around and I didn't want anything... I saw that look in Leane's eyes. I think she knew right then and there. It was like a horror movie. Not in the blood and guts sense.. But you know when the campers show up to their cabin and suddenly the power goes out in the middle of a storm? That fucking dread.. And you are just sitting there, just wanting the movie to fucking be over and done with so you won't die of anticipation? Yeah.. Maybe.. Maybe that makes more sense in my head. That analogy. Whatever.
I finally got it out. I told her I transferred and that I start classes at BCU after winter break. Of course, she tried to be optimistic, saying that gives us two months more. But, no. I'm taking classes to make up for time missed in between. That and my Uncle is expecting me to be moved in by the end of next week. Honestly, the thought of having an actual Thanksgiving lessened the pain of.. This.



I really don't know how I ended it completely. I think it was an awkward hug and maybe she was crying? Or tearing up? My mind tends to blank when I can't cope with certain shit. All I know is that I told her that she still had my number, that it wasn't going to change in case she needed to vent about the boring assholes I was leaving her with. But before I knew it, I was climbing into my car. I didn't want to, but I looked back.. That was a horrible decision.

There's something about leaving a person. Feeling that space in between you expand as you drive away and knowing that there isn't a way to turn around. Realizing that last glimpse in your rearview would be the last glimpse you have of that person. It's suffocating. And it hurts more than any bruise or cut you have ever woke up with.

I've been struggling to see the point now. I was never one to be a quitter, because I never wanted to be like him and just.. Run away from my problems. But then again, I never had to deal with what apparently he dealt with. Until now. It's no longer just in my sleep. I see shit while I'm awake. Maybe it's the lack of sleep fucking with me. As much as I would like to make it that simple, it's not. I'm getting worse. And I know there is only one person who I can turn to for advice. And it's the one person I would be happy to never see again.

I called Uncle Bri. He was... He sounded more concerned than usual. "Kid, you sound like shit." I could always leave it to him to be straight with me. Maybe he figures that I get enough bullshit from Dad, some truth and honesty is what I need. The usual conversation happened, how's school... How's the car.... How's the girlfriend... Yeah, the girlfriend... I told him straight up that I really have no fucking clue what she sees in me. I'm a fuckin mess. "Dude, you play guitar." Okay that made me laugh a bit. It felt good to laugh. Then I told him how our lunch went, and how I was so quick to blurt out that I was considering dropping out. I couldn't do that. Uncle Bri told me I would be an idiot to give up the opportunity for an education. But transferring? That is always an option. And one that is looking more and more enticing.



Truth is? I don't belong here. And that is one of the reasons I came to this swamp in the first place. It was unlike Seattle or California. It was different. It was supposed to keep be far away from any resemblance of my past. But... It haunts me. And I guess my logic is rather than deal with this shit on my own... Maybe it would be better to be around somebody who knows what I'm going through. Leane is great, and fuck knows she has a high tolerance for all the hit I've put her through. But she doesn't deserve that. She isn't supposed to play mom to her boyfriend. She isn't supposed to clean up my face after a bad night. That isn't her job. I need to be around a person who has seen this, knows what to do... Because I...



...I am so fucking alone in this...

He said I could stay with him, but only if I still go to school.

I turned my paperwork in yesterday.

So far this semester can go fuck itself.
Don't get me wrong, the subject material is riveting. But the workload? I swear professors compete to be the one who gives the most homework/projects. One good thing that has come out of all of this.. I was somehow picked to shadow a detective for two weeks. And though it is a pretty awesome opportunity, my shift with him starts at 9 at night and ends at 3, depending on if we're on a case or not. Sometimes I only have a couple hours before my morning class. It's not all bad, I definitely support many coffee shops around the immediate area with how much caffeine I now drink.



I haven't seen much of Leane, then again our schedules don't exactly align anymore. The occasional lunch reminds me that I do actually have girlfriend. I'm not even sure if it's fair to her anymore. She's a popular person. And I know that guy from my history class has eyes for her. Maybe it's just my self conscious bullshit that is making me think this. I'm sure there will come a day when those sorority girls will come on by and tell her to get rid of me. I wouldn't exactly blame her.

The lack of sleep though, one would think that when I actually do get a whole day off that I would catch up on it. And though I try, it always ends up the same.. I wake up on the kitchen floor, the bedroom floor... Scrapes on my arms, legs... Today it's another fucking gash on my face. I can't take this shit. It's getting worse. Even if she can withstand how boring I am, she should at least save herself from that basketcase side of me.



I got a call from Uncle Brian a week ago.
Which is perfect timing because I had a question about which intake I should put in the Camaro.

I knew my timing was shit as soon as I got out of city limits. Could I have waited a day? Possibly. But then again, maybe not. I wouldn't have been myself at her party or where ever I was going to take her. I guess shitty timing runs in the family. Because he could have waited a day too, before leaving that fucking message.

I need you to come home. There is something I need to tell you.

Well, fucking dandy. Why couldn't you have told me over the phone? What? Too impersonable for you? If it isn't the pot calling the kettle black...

So I went. The fucker bought me a ticket before I could protest and somehow had a cab waiting for me. There was no way out of it. And holy shit... Did I want to get out of it.

So it wasn't Seattle. Leane doesn't need to know that. She sure as fuck doesn't need to know who my father is either. Legacy like that tends to follow you around and even a breath of my family name can mean a whole slue of trouble for me. The plane ride wasn't as long, no... And the sky, unfortunately, wasn't as cloudy. In fact, it was a perfect sunny day when I came back to California. And I pulled up to that house. The one I truly wanted to forget.
He answered the door after the first knock. I didn't even tell him I landed. But he always seemed to fucking know when I'd show up... Or leave. Maybe that's why he didn't put up a fight when I went to NV. He knew I'd come back.

"You're taller." I had to laugh. THAT was the first thing you say after all this time? You're taller? He was never much for words, so I wanted to let him slide. But I have found that I am tired of letting shit slide. I'm tired of getting only a quarter of a father. And the rest of him? That was divided evenly between the Department and his stupid fucking theories. Hell, I didn't even get that much. Because even when he was there... He wasn't... There.
I wanted to make it quick, I wanted to get this shit done and over with so I could go back to NV, back to Leane.. And probably apologize until the sun comes up because I wasn't there for her birthday. Ha, sounds familiar. But as always, he pulled me in with that look on his face, the one that he used to give to criminals when he interrogated them. The one that is cold. The one that isn't meant for his only son. Silly me for thinking he would actually separate that shit for once. I was pretty damn sure we were going to argue. I was waiting for that inevitable firestorm that two very stubborn people have a knack for summoning. He was going off again about his theories, how he was protecting me this whole time. How there is a greater enemy. I was done. I was checked out, later.. Goodfuckingbye. But then he slams that book down in front of my face.

"I know you know what is."

I've seen it only once before. I was a child, barely could read at the time. Maybe that's why he didn't think to hide it very carefully. But even still, it was an urban legend. Nothing more. I remember kids in school would always talk about it, about a man tormented by his own demon that later became real. And that man, using what little demonic ties he had, was able to bend time itself to kill that demon. It was a good Halloween story. Classic, even. But I never thought that the story was real. How could I fucking know... That he is my dad??