noisy
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Journal
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Honeybee
I realize I ain't ever been the best at words that sound right, or pretty, or good. I know it isn't anything wrong with the way I talk, and I know I ain't dumb. But It's just for me, words is kinda like a second thought I guess. My Mama & Daddy, and I guess really everybody I ever known really...they always told me it's cause human just don't come natural to wolves. It's kinda like a side job. If I really got to, I can sit up and write a nice ass paper or letter or whatever. I did go to college, and graduate. But that takes a hell of alot of work and bein as the only people gonna read my diary (hopefully) is gonna be my son once I'm dead and gone, it ain't matter.
Stuff is real different now for me. I know I ain't sit down and wrote in this thing for a long time but I guess I got a lot of stuff in my head to say. Can't say it to Cassie. Much as she'd love that. Ain't me. I can't be that person, no matter how much she want me to. She can be open and listen and be sweet t'me, but I ain't happy if I feel like people can see weak parts, even my Cassie. I hope to god our son ain't like me. I was always taught that a leader gotta be like...fuckin uh...superman. Ain't nothin' really can hurt 'em, so thataway it isn't no bother to put your troubles in their hands. I know that don't apply to everything, because with her, nobody is the leader. But I wanna be strong for her. One less vibe on her shoulders.
Anyhow, today I got up for work and I'm feedin' the baby or whatever, cause Cassie sleeps in. I want her to have her sleep. I'm watchin' both of them because I don't wanna wake her up, but I still wanna be around her before I gotta go start my day. She's beautiful. I never seen a woman half as pretty as she is, I mean I seen some fine ass women in my life but Cassie is...she's pretty in her heart. Who wouldn't wanna look at her all the damn time? She snores like a goddamn packmule and I swear to fuck she damn near has sucked the sumbitchin paint off my walls sawin them logs but she's still perfect. I think she's the perfectest like this. Hair all big as hell, mouth open, somehow a damn titty is out, she's droolin', whatever. But she's beautiful. Most beautiful person I ever saw in my whole fucking life and it just makes me wanna cry for some reason.
I'm writing this all out because today I realized I love her. I know, I know. It's not that I ain't love her already. Even though I thought I did, I wasn't sure. Thats a real shitty thing to say and I feel like a fucking scumbag. She moves across the country, has a baby with me and I realize six months later that I love her. Or that I'm sure. I ain't never gonna tell her it took this long, because I don't think she'd understand, or maybe she'd take it bad. I don't wanna ever hurt her like that. I just ain't never known that kind of love. I known family love, and friend love, like I love my pack and I love Lia. But I ain't never loved nobody in the romance way.
It's hard. Not to love her, that's fuckin' easy. I resisted that shit for a hot minute. But it's hard uh, bein'. You know. I been told my whole life in one ear how wrong it is, and half the people what said it to me ain't had any idea about..me. The people who did know, they said it in both ears. I believed them, and I ain't never really gonna be able to get that time back, bein' sad about that won't change it neither. Then Cassie come along and I struggled with it so bad, worse than I ever have before. She just wouldn't go the hell away no matter what I done, and when she did, I felt like somebody took my whole soul out of my body.
I don't think I know how to be without her no more. Obviously she came back and now we got this whole life, a whole ass son we made, shit is wilder than hell ain't it? But yeah, I love her real bad, like a whole lot. I don't understand not one lick of it. But I don't think I need to. I just gotta cram as much life as I can into the next couple of decades if she'll have me that long. This little baby, he's gonna be a man someday and that means he's gotta do what our people do. Leader's gotta fall for the new blood to rise up. It's the way it goes, and it's a big honor for my people. I always wanted that, to go out that way, taken by the next alpha, nourish them with my body so they can use me as fuel to go on and do great, awesome stuff...
It's a double edged sword or whatever nerds say. On one hand, this is the best way to go. On the other hand, it do mean I gotta go faster than most folks do. If he's as smart as he thinks he is, I'll be 42. If he's slower, I'll be a little bit older. It ain't enough time to love her. She deserves a hundred, billion years of this. Of breakfast in bed, and little trips to the bee zoo, and flowers just because they remind me of her...I ain't good enough for her. I never will be, but she's still here. Sleepin' in my bed, lookin' like heaven opened up and let some poor dog get a peek. I gotta make sure that she knows how much I love her, I gotta pack a hundred billion years of loving someone into 18. I don't know how to do that. Hell, I didn't even know how to recognize that I do love her. But now it's all I can fucking think about...best I can do is my best. And I hope the life I can give her is one she'll love livin in with me...
My honeybee. -
OOC: Notice.
Hello there! Thanks for tuning in.
This entry serves as notice for the retcon of the character's involvement with every continuity other than New Versailles (Furcadia & RPR). Additionally, in observance of recent news I have changed Kenzi's face claim from Amber heard to Laurence Bedard. Because I believe victims and also like..who shits in someone's bed? Jeez. Amber Heard, when she wasn't beating up poor Johnny Depp. That's who.
Which version of Laurence Bedard!? A blonde one, of course!
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