Forums » Smalltalk » Is this just me? Probably not.

I'd still encourage working on the polite/friendly rejection/redirect (along with looking into ways to learn to be more comfortable with compliments again, whether it's a formal or informal therapy thing), as well as doing a brief status announcement (or picking out individuals who can help spread the word more subtly in advance) to preemptively dissuade folks if it's some sort of event, like family gatherings. This can mean imagining the scenario over and over (you saying what you want to say in the way you'd like to say it), actually practicing it to a mirror or a wall or a pet or whatever, etc. If you want to go a step further on that, you can consider the responses you might get: what the best possible and worst possible outcomes could be (they don't even have to be realistic), and then thinking on much more realistic, most likely outcomes between those extremes, and how you'll handle them. That's actually getting into a therapy tool called "Coping Ahead," where you mentally play things out in advance so you can plan how to get through; a key thing there is include that focus on how you will (not "should," but realistically can) handle it, not just stopping at the "what if this happens?" It'll most likely bring up some of the stress of actually going through those things, but it should make the stress at the real moment a bit more manageable.

As for more of the how/what to say, I'd encourage an initial focus on "friendly" - things like presenting it with a warm/understanding type smile, generally bringing it up and expressing it in a manner that minimizes any sense they you're calling anyone out. Just a "hey, here's a little FYI I think it's important you know" sort of thing. When dealing with individuals that will inherently create a more "singled out" feeling, it might also be helpful to use language like "it bothers me when people do this" instead of "it bothers me when you do this." (And if they try to worm around things to be some "special exception," it's absolutely reasonable to inform them that they are included in that "people" - and if appropriate/honest, maybe you an present some other perk that they actually do get with you that others don't, or generally reiterate that they are valued in your life.) If friendly or an otherwise "let's not make a big deal of this" kind of manner doesn't work, it's good to be able to back it up with calm-but-firm. "Yes, I'm serious about this. It's something that honestly bothers me. I'll need to work on this in my own time, but please respect that compliments actually make me feel bad."

You described this as something that "sounds weird" a couple of times. Under the circumstances, I don't think it sounds the slightest bit weird, at least not in that it's anything to be ashamed of (just in case you are actually feeling that way). However, I do find that language along those lines can still help with some of those who may find the problem unrelatable. I think that, conceptually, I'd almost relate it to something like putting things away or putting a curtain around it; it's still there and known, but it's not as distracting or awkward to deal with (for the other person) as seeing the room in a mess or being able to see but struggle to understand the inner workings of some complex machine. It's a little, "this is a thing, it exists and must be dealt with appropriately, but all you need to worry about is not bumping into/tripping over it." More fundamentally, it's an ultra-simplified explanation.

"Why is xyz such a big deal?"

Because my brain just works a little weird sometimes.

Because I'm dealing with a trauma you don't need the details of.

Because psychology is strange.

Something that some of the folks in my life have gotten used to me saying (not just as a super-simple explanation, but also as a little bit of a tension defuser) is "brains are meat and meat is dumb." (They aren't actually meat, as in muscle tissue, but the point is there and it comes across better than "brains are fat...") It's a simple, attention-grabbing, and somewhat humorous way of pointing out that everyone has their odd little quirks that don't always make any sense. I've also found it helpful when I find myself struggling with something that I know the "right" answer to, but just can't seem to act on it; or when I know some particular thinking pattern is unreasonable, but it's there anyway.

Actually, if you see me talk about mental health things much, you might notice that I tend to speak of my mind/brain as if it were a separate entity from me. For me, that's a coping mechanism that, among other things, makes use of how simple phrasing can change how we see something. I'm realizing that it probably ends up looking like I hate my brain... but the "relationship" is more like pet and owner. My brain doesn't always work the way I want it to, and sometimes it even gets in my way, but just scolding it won't actually solve anything. It might change what the main problem is or create new problems, but it won't help it learn the things I want it to do or provide any reason to try them. I'm also still responsible for it, both for taking care of it so it can do its best, and for handling any of the problems it might cause even if it was acting against my wishes. I need to work more on the "the better care I take of it, the better we'll get along and accomplish things" part, but it at least sometimes helps me step back from blaming myself too hard for struggling with things, so I can try to focus on how to work with the struggle instead of being stuck just feeling ashamed for having that struggle.

You mentioned that it can vary on whether any compliments can be okay or not, and it made me wonder if something I've seen some genderfluid folks do might also prove useful to you (and I've seen a similar thing used in other contexts, too). The sort of prototypical/stereotypical genderfluid person tends to experience their different gender states quite distinctly, sometimes to the point that which pronoun set feels comfortable will change, and some will even have multiple names based on which gender they are experiencing at a time. They don't always feel up to signaling through full presentation stereotypes, though, and I'm not sure the idea of announcing one's personal status at least once every day so others around you know how to best interact with you is appealing to anyone. A tactic some have taken to is to have a designated signal accessory, like a bracelet, necklace, pin, etc, to be the announcement. It can be the the presence of the accessory means one thing and its absence means another. It can be that different variations of the accessory have specific meanings (sort of like colored bracelets I've seen where both the color and a statement on the bracelet expresses their comfort level with some particular type of interaction, often with a green/yellow/red scheme for "go ahead"/"ask first"/"don't approach").

If you can work with your family to establish a similar code with you, that could be a passive way to let them know what you're comfortable with. An interchangeable system like above could work, or there's also a stackable option, where you could use multiple variations of the accessory to basically list all the things that you're comfortable with. In either case, it'd be good to have a variation that expresses basically "just don't," but it'd be good to also establish that no accessory present should also be interpreted as "just don't" or "nothing is comfortable." Whatever it is, ideally it would be something with good visibility, all variations should be easy to distinguish from each other from a distance, and having some word or phrase that can act as a reminder of the meaning could be very helpful, especially starting out. You could include an item that signals some kind of restriction, with the intention being that they ask what the restriction is before expressing any compliments - like say if you're feeling fine with skill-based compliments so long as they aren't about some particular skill that just doesn't feel okay at the time.

I think it might also be helpful to establish from the start a variation that says you're okay with some form of appearance-based compliment, for two reasons:

1. It gives them the idea that you'll be okay with it at some point. This can help with convincing them that you are working on it (even if you aren't actively or consciously working on it, just maintaining boundaries still counts as working on resolving the issue, and it's none of their business how, specifically, you're doing that unless you decide you want to share it), which can potentially reduce having unhelpful advice pushed on you over and over, including those who may otherwise insist that you just "need to be complimented more." Additionally, some people have an easier time cooperating now if they believe they can proceed with what they wanted at a later point, and may be more resistant if told something will never be an option. (But there are also people who work the other way around, where the unfulfilled "promise" creates a desire to do it, while an outright "no" can be accepted and gotten over faster. There are also those who'll go either way under different circumstances.)
   
2. If there ever is a point where you feel either that you would appreciate such compliments or that you would like to check on if it's changed or allow for a bit of somewhat-controlled exposure, you'll have that already-established way to communicate that. (Just have somewhere you can hide the thing away in case it gets to be too much.)