Forums » Smalltalk » AMA: plural system of 6

During this event last year, a few people talked about their own experiences with disassociation and those threads helped me a lot in learning how to talk about my own experiences. Now I'm doing the same thing.

I'm not very public about this because I'm still not entirely sure how to talk about it, and there are aspects of it that I am still trying to figure out, so I'll just start with the questions I think are most prudent to answer first.

Q: What is a plural system?

A: Some people describe it as several personalities living inside a single person, but I think this description is a bit reductive. The way my system sees each other is more like several fragments that make up a whole, functioning person, but we are still distinct pieces within that system.

Q: So you aren't completely separate personalities?

A: Sometimes we share knowledge or muscle-memory, and others, what one person knows is completely separate from the rest of the system. As well, what we all want, think, feel, and solve problems can vary a lot depending on who's up front. But generally, no. There's a fair amount of overlap most of the time for at least half of us, so I have the fortune of being a more stable and consistent system than some others, but again, it varies depending on who's piloting.

Q: How did you find out you were like this/were you diagnosed?

A: I was never diagnosed with DID and I don't present the amnesiac symptoms of DID so I doubt I'd flag for it. I have been misdiagnosed with several things under the psychosis umbrella as a child though, things which I learned later were actually just alters. Unfortunately, those experiences have left me paranoid and mistrustful of the medical system and it's taken me a lot to reach out for the help I have so far in the last year. (Though, I don't want to go too far into this. My history here is quite dark.)

As for how I came to find out who we are... Some random person in a Twitter thread about 2 years ago referred to themselves as a plural system, and when I asked them questions about what that meant, suddenly a massive chunk of my life experiences made sense. I still go back and forth on whether or not I actually am one (because again, I do not present the worst parts of DID, though I have the more benign symptoms of disassociation) but it makes so much more sense to me than anything that came before it, and dealing with my problems as though the premise were true has helped me find a great deal of peace. This does mean that all my accrued knowledge about this topic comes from my own personal experiences and talking with a few other systems online though, so I am not a medically comprehensive source.

Q: How did you get this way/were you born like this?

A: It's generally accepted that "alters" (other pieces of a system) manifest as a cope for trauma, and I've learned in the past year that "trauma" can constitute a lot more than just a quick and sudden extremely negative experience. We're still working through the details of it ourselves, but we do generally believe that each of us exist as an adaptation for harsh life conditions that have had long-lasting effects.

Q: So alters are a symptom of pain/illness?

A: Alters are an adaptation for healing from pain and coping with difficult circumstances. As well, I've not met any systems who are comfortable with thinking of the other members of their system as some disease to be cured, either. We might present as a solid person for most of you, but our alters are real people to us that we care about a lot. My system takes care of each other. We are a family, an internal community.

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I guess I should introduce everyone, as well as leave room for others to ask questions, heh.

Quick note: We don't share our internal names with others, so we'll be using aliases. If our names seem strange to you, that's why.

Hi. I'm Blue, the Pilot. My pronouns are she/her. They call me that because I front the most. If you've interacted with us anywhere else on-site, or anywhere online at all, you've mostly been talking to me. I guess I'd be the party face in a D&D game. I'm also the original.

I'm Green. I came second! I've been here since we were 5. Also, my pronouns are she/her. Blue and I grew up together and we co-pilot a lot. Teal says we're a lot alike. Pink calls me the Id but that's pretentious.

I'm Pink, she/her. Blue calls me the song in her heart, and I have adopted the title of "the Song" to reflect it. I came to the complex when we were 9. I'm the person who first gave Green and Blue their internal names, and I organized the chaotic inner world into something we could actually use as a space for our minds. I also helped write the questions on this post, since Blue has trouble talking about "us". If you've RPed with us, you have very likely interated with me, since Blue and I create things together. I also made two of the characters on our profile.

I am Teal, the Guardian. I arrived when we were 11.
(Her pronouns are she/her. -Blue)

I'm Purple (He/They), the Finess. I pilot or co-pilot whenever we need to make phone calls or do anything professionally. I'm also the only person in this complex who seems to care about an organized desk. I doubt we've met, since Blue and Pink are the ones handling our online presence, and I'm happy to leave them to it.

I'm Orange, the Fulcrum. Basically, I keep this place working. Doubt I've talked to many people outside the system, usually I hang out in back and mediate if I need to. I'm pretty content to just hang back and let the others handle the external stuff anyway.
(His pronouns are He/Him. -Blue)

Feel free to ask any of us, or all of us, anything you like. I (Blue) will most likely take it from here unless someone else wants to answer a question directed at them. Small aside: I will try to answer what I can, but some things may come with content warnings, since we are talking about the way we have adapted to survive difficult circumstances.

I've got multiple questions, but the only one that's properly forming right now is: Have you already looked into OSDD? What you describe sound more in line with that (from my 100% NON-pro perspective). 'Course, I know words can be limiting when trying to explain an experience. If so, I'd be interested to know why you feel DID fits more accurately to your experiences. There's a number of things in that general area I've been trying to get a better understanding of.

Honest answer, because I've never heard of it before today. My experience with other systems is incredibly limited, and I've felt that how they talk about their experiences only partly tracks with my own when we get into the disassociative parts.

I'll try to detail some of my experiences, and I suppose anyone who has any insight, I would appreciate it. I made my thread to spread awareness, but I would also benefit from an open discussion.

I don't see myself in the mirror, I can't point to myself in a photograph or even tell when a photograph is of me, and I sometimes feel taller or shorter than I think I should be. Actually, only one of us sees our reflection as even being familiar, but I just see a stranger. My reflection doesn't even look like a person I would know. I apparently have this in common with a lot of people who experience some kind of disassociation. This makes it awkward when a restaurant has a large mirror... It's also one reason why I wear hats whenever I go out. My clothes are plain enough to be worn by anyone, but my hats are, well... You'd be able to pick me out, heh. I'll recognize my hat in the mirror, or a picture, even if I can't see my face.

I (Blue) also sometimes get the sense that I'm not actually real, and I might just be some conduit for the others. I have more confidence that they exist than I do, but it leaves me with questions about the self that I doubt anyone can answer. I'm a very solipsistic person, but sometimes I can only be sure I exist because of how I reflect off everyone else in my own system.

The one thing that I don't experience is full-on "sleeping" when someone else pilots. Bar a few exceptions, I remember most of our switches, and it feels very different to how it gets traditionally described in the media. I don't know how to actually explain it either, it's the sense that "I" am not "me" but not in a way that makes any sense, and I will admit that pronouns are a complicated topic when I really start thinking about what words like "I" and "me" actually mean. The borders between other systems' members seem a lot more clearly defined, but almost every system I've met before formed almost all at once, whereas mine began when I was a small child and gained new alters years apart. I wonder if that has anything to do with it sometimes...

There have even been moments where we've woken up and briefly had no idea who was piloting. Sometimes, if we need to switch quickly, or if something jarring happens, we get a bit confused for a second about who's who, but it usually resolves itself just by doing a headcount or a quick sound-off. We know what everyone else sounds like and we know our own inner voice, and some of the others have a greater sense of themselves than others anyway and will acclimate the fastest. (Usually Teal and Purple.)

I hope this isn't too rambly an answer, but I lack concise terms. I can only describe my experiences, and I am not even covering everything just to keep things short.