I am in my 20s with two children. I have heard of the concept of gentle parenting and before I had children myself, I used to think what a waste of time it was. I thought that mentality would only raise spoiled, entitled children but since having my own, I realized that is the way I want to raise them. Most people think it is just validating their children's tantrums and attitude but its not. It's about validating their feelings and emotions because they are unable to communicate and express themselves properly at their ages. It's up to you as the adult and the parent to help them better communicate those big feelings..
Few things I learned on this journey:
- You can not SPOIL a baby. There is no such thing as spoiling a baby. People tell you "Don't hold him/her all the time, you'll get them spoiled..".. No, you are bonding with your child. The newborn years are one of the most important times in forming that bond.
- I hate when others say "Just let them cry.", "Sometimes you got to let them cry, they'll stop." No... They literally won't. Babies and children have no concept of Self-soothing. They want to be soothe by their parents and that is okay.
- Don't do empty threats. What I mean by that, is how many times have you heard your own parents say things like "If you don't put on your shoes or coat right now, I am leaving without you." Or "If you don't eat your dinner now, you won't eat later." Don't do it. Because you aren't going to leave or starve your child. Its just going to cause then to not take you seriously or not trust you. And NO I am not saying to make due in your "threats" just don't threat at all.
It is certainly not easy. And it may not be for everyone but I truly think gentle parenting is a good way to go. As someone who wants to break her own generational curses, I want to do what I can to make sure my kids trust me fully and learn to become respectful and responsible adults in the future. It is still a learning process for me and I am by no means an expert but we can talk about advise or suggestion..
So there you go: Ask me Anything
Some other topics you can ask about:
- postpartum depression (yes I have suffered from it)
- feelings of regret (I have also suffered from this as I told myself I never wanted kids)
- my own experiences with my parents who obviously didnt do "gentle parenting"
- my transition into young motherhood.
Few things I learned on this journey:
- You can not SPOIL a baby. There is no such thing as spoiling a baby. People tell you "Don't hold him/her all the time, you'll get them spoiled..".. No, you are bonding with your child. The newborn years are one of the most important times in forming that bond.
- I hate when others say "Just let them cry.", "Sometimes you got to let them cry, they'll stop." No... They literally won't. Babies and children have no concept of Self-soothing. They want to be soothe by their parents and that is okay.
- Don't do empty threats. What I mean by that, is how many times have you heard your own parents say things like "If you don't put on your shoes or coat right now, I am leaving without you." Or "If you don't eat your dinner now, you won't eat later." Don't do it. Because you aren't going to leave or starve your child. Its just going to cause then to not take you seriously or not trust you. And NO I am not saying to make due in your "threats" just don't threat at all.
It is certainly not easy. And it may not be for everyone but I truly think gentle parenting is a good way to go. As someone who wants to break her own generational curses, I want to do what I can to make sure my kids trust me fully and learn to become respectful and responsible adults in the future. It is still a learning process for me and I am by no means an expert but we can talk about advise or suggestion..
So there you go: Ask me Anything
Some other topics you can ask about:
- postpartum depression (yes I have suffered from it)
- feelings of regret (I have also suffered from this as I told myself I never wanted kids)
- my own experiences with my parents who obviously didnt do "gentle parenting"
- my transition into young motherhood.
Since you told yourself you never wanted kids, how did it feel to learn you were pregnant? And how it feel during that 9 months as you expected your growing baby?
Ultra-Knight wrote:
Since you told yourself you never wanted kids, how did it feel to learn you were pregnant? And how it feel during that 9 months as you expected your growing baby?
Well when I first found out, it was a roller-coaster of emotions. I actually didn't find out I was pregnant until 4 months in. I wasn't showing and I am diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (POS) so it makes my times of the months irregular. So when I finally came in terms that I needed to take a test, I was terrified. I was thinking about all of my options and what I wanted to do before the test even came back as positive.
When it did, I was still in denial. I went to the doctors to make sure. Their test came back positive and even then, I was still in denial. It wasn't until they did a sonogram and I heard the heartbeat that it finally became real to me. I cried. Whether it was sadness or happiness I honestly cant tell you but after I told their father, we decided we would try.
During the pregnancy I was really excited honestly. I had a smooth pregnancy with my first born so I didn't have any thoughts of regret or sadness.... My second born... Thats a different story lol
We are also doing our best to do gentle parenting!!!
It's VERY difficult, especially as they get older and start throwing tantrums and working themselves up. But it's definitely worth it.
You're correct in that you can't spoil babies.
One of the hardest lessons we learned was realizing when our baby needed the push to learn to self-soothe. We had serious issues with sleep for several months, and so eventually we had to do sleep training. It was an agonizing few days, but it worked extremely well.
The transition from baby crying to toddler crying was a difficult one was well. Babies cry because they need something. It's a simple process. Work out what they need and give it to them / do the thing they need.
Toddlers are developing complex thoughts and feelings and are prone to frustration. So there came a point where my instinct to "fix" crying stopped working. Learning to sit with a child who is crying, and let them work through their emotions themselves, was not easy. But it's worth it.
How old are your little ones and what are some of the most difficult lessons you've learned?
Also, can I just say, kudos to you. It sounds like you're a fantastic parent.
It's VERY difficult, especially as they get older and start throwing tantrums and working themselves up. But it's definitely worth it.
You're correct in that you can't spoil babies.
One of the hardest lessons we learned was realizing when our baby needed the push to learn to self-soothe. We had serious issues with sleep for several months, and so eventually we had to do sleep training. It was an agonizing few days, but it worked extremely well.
The transition from baby crying to toddler crying was a difficult one was well. Babies cry because they need something. It's a simple process. Work out what they need and give it to them / do the thing they need.
Toddlers are developing complex thoughts and feelings and are prone to frustration. So there came a point where my instinct to "fix" crying stopped working. Learning to sit with a child who is crying, and let them work through their emotions themselves, was not easy. But it's worth it.
How old are your little ones and what are some of the most difficult lessons you've learned?
Also, can I just say, kudos to you. It sounds like you're a fantastic parent.
Ben wrote:
We are also doing our best to do gentle parenting!!!
It's VERY difficult, especially as they get older and start throwing tantrums and working themselves up. But it's definitely worth it.
You're correct in that you can't spoil babies.
One of the hardest lessons we learned was realizing when our baby needed the push to learn to self-soothe. We had serious issues with sleep for several months, and so eventually we had to do sleep training. It was an agonizing few days, but it worked extremely well.
The transition from baby crying to toddler crying was a difficult one was well. Babies cry because they need something. It's a simple process. Work out what they need and give it to them / do the thing they need.
Toddlers are developing complex thoughts and feelings and are prone to frustration. So there came a point where my instinct to "fix" crying stopped working. Learning to sit with a child who is crying, and let them work through their emotions themselves, was not easy. But it's worth it.
How old are your little ones and what are some of the most difficult lessons you've learned?
Also, can I just say, kudos to you. It sounds like you're a fantastic parent.
It's VERY difficult, especially as they get older and start throwing tantrums and working themselves up. But it's definitely worth it.
You're correct in that you can't spoil babies.
One of the hardest lessons we learned was realizing when our baby needed the push to learn to self-soothe. We had serious issues with sleep for several months, and so eventually we had to do sleep training. It was an agonizing few days, but it worked extremely well.
The transition from baby crying to toddler crying was a difficult one was well. Babies cry because they need something. It's a simple process. Work out what they need and give it to them / do the thing they need.
Toddlers are developing complex thoughts and feelings and are prone to frustration. So there came a point where my instinct to "fix" crying stopped working. Learning to sit with a child who is crying, and let them work through their emotions themselves, was not easy. But it's worth it.
How old are your little ones and what are some of the most difficult lessons you've learned?
Also, can I just say, kudos to you. It sounds like you're a fantastic parent.
It definitely is not easy! 😅 I am so glad you understand the struggles. I agree with you 100% that it is worth it in the long run.
And thank you. I appreciate that. I certainly have struggles with my motherhood, mainly me feeling like I am not a good parent so to hear you say that means a lot.
I have a 2 yr old and a newborn. I would say one of the most difficult lessons for me was understanding how to deal with a tantrum and having that patience especially in a public setting. I grew up in a household where you get a smack if you caused a scene. The older generation always used beatings as discipline so it was something I thought was normal but I realize how much it messed me up as a kid and I didn't want that for my kids. I needed to learn patience and how to deescalate my child's tantrum rather than escalating it by giving her a spanking. I had to understand that she is still learning how to communicate how she feels especially since she still doesn't fully understand herself yet.
Another difficult lesson was learning not to let social media dictate my outlook on my own parenting. Its hard not letting SM make you feel inadequate as a parent or feeling like you are doing something wrong. You see these "happy" families and everything and I just had to sit back and realize that not everything is perfect. And just because some one elses kid was already walking or talking and mine isn't doesn't make me a bad parent. For example, my daughter is having a little of a speech delay and will be starting speech therapy soon as well as starting the early intervention program soon. I had to try and stop myself from feeling the worst about myself because of it. Learn that it isn't about me and that I need to focus on her needs, you know?
AquaCharm wrote:
Ben wrote:
We are also doing our best to do gentle parenting!!!
It's VERY difficult, especially as they get older and start throwing tantrums and working themselves up. But it's definitely worth it.
You're correct in that you can't spoil babies.
One of the hardest lessons we learned was realizing when our baby needed the push to learn to self-soothe. We had serious issues with sleep for several months, and so eventually we had to do sleep training. It was an agonizing few days, but it worked extremely well.
The transition from baby crying to toddler crying was a difficult one was well. Babies cry because they need something. It's a simple process. Work out what they need and give it to them / do the thing they need.
Toddlers are developing complex thoughts and feelings and are prone to frustration. So there came a point where my instinct to "fix" crying stopped working. Learning to sit with a child who is crying, and let them work through their emotions themselves, was not easy. But it's worth it.
How old are your little ones and what are some of the most difficult lessons you've learned?
Also, can I just say, kudos to you. It sounds like you're a fantastic parent.
It's VERY difficult, especially as they get older and start throwing tantrums and working themselves up. But it's definitely worth it.
You're correct in that you can't spoil babies.
One of the hardest lessons we learned was realizing when our baby needed the push to learn to self-soothe. We had serious issues with sleep for several months, and so eventually we had to do sleep training. It was an agonizing few days, but it worked extremely well.
The transition from baby crying to toddler crying was a difficult one was well. Babies cry because they need something. It's a simple process. Work out what they need and give it to them / do the thing they need.
Toddlers are developing complex thoughts and feelings and are prone to frustration. So there came a point where my instinct to "fix" crying stopped working. Learning to sit with a child who is crying, and let them work through their emotions themselves, was not easy. But it's worth it.
How old are your little ones and what are some of the most difficult lessons you've learned?
Also, can I just say, kudos to you. It sounds like you're a fantastic parent.
It definitely is not easy! 😅 I am so glad you understand the struggles. I agree with you 100% that it is worth it in the long run.
And thank you. I appreciate that. I certainly have struggles with my motherhood, mainly me feeling like I am not a good parent so to hear you say that means a lot.
I have a 2 yr old and a newborn. I would say one of the most difficult lessons for me was understanding how to deal with a tantrum and having that patience especially in a public setting. I grew up in a household where you get a smack if you caused a scene. The older generation always used beatings as discipline so it was something I thought was normal but I realize how much it messed me up as a kid and I didn't want that for my kids. I needed to learn patience and how to deescalate my child's tantrum rather than escalating it by giving her a spanking. I had to understand that she is still learning how to communicate how she feels especially since she still doesn't fully understand herself yet.
Another difficult lesson was learning not to let social media dictate my outlook on my own parenting. Its hard not letting SM make you feel inadequate as a parent or feeling like you are doing something wrong. You see these "happy" families and everything and I just had to sit back and realize that not everything is perfect. And just because some one elses kid was already walking or talking and mine isn't doesn't make me a bad parent. For example, my daughter is having a little of a speech delay and will be starting speech therapy soon as well as starting the early intervention program soon. I had to try and stop myself from feeling the worst about myself because of it. Learn that it isn't about me and that I need to focus on her needs, you know?
All of this sounds a lot like thoughts and struggles I've had as a parent lol. You're definitely not alone.
We haven't dealt with the specific issue of speech development, but we have friends who've struggled with it.
You're not a bad parent. Your kid isn't behind. Kids develop at different paces, and the pandemic world has redefined so much of what it means to exist as a family, as a child. I'm glad you're getting support with speech therapy, that is super excellent!
I also want to tell you that you are doing important, VITAL work. Breaking cycles of trauma and violence is so difficult. Thank you for choosing not to pass that kind of upbringing onto your kids. Violence is a failure to parent, not a way of parenting.
What exactly is 'gentle parenting' by textbook definition? It seems that I may be thinking of something else, because my uncle says he does this with his kids, and it is nothing like what you're saying.
@ Ben
I think it's important for us as parents to talk and be honest about our struggles with parenthood because it helps us prove that we aren't alone.
Thank you
I just want to say that it seems like you and your wife are doing a great job as well! I know your little one and new one on the way are lucky to have you two 
I agree with you. It may seem like violence works - in my experience it definitely struck the fear in me to do my best and not misbehave, but it also added other issues for me. Like not trusting my parents enough to talk to them about things and other stuff. It also doesn't work for every kid. While it struck fear in me, it only made my sister even more rebellious when she got punished. Overall, its just a wrong way of parenting.
@ Anakisuto
I guess the textbook definition would be ; "Gentle parenting is a form of positive parenting that emphasizes understanding a child’s behavior through empathy and respect, giving choices versus commands, and responding in a way that considers a child’s intellectual and developmental levels," cited here
Everyone is different though. Of course, I can only speak for my own parenting style and experiences. How is your uncle's way different, if you don't mind me asking?
I think it's important for us as parents to talk and be honest about our struggles with parenthood because it helps us prove that we aren't alone.
Thank you
I just want to say that it seems like you and your wife are doing a great job as well! I know your little one and new one on the way are lucky to have you two I agree with you. It may seem like violence works - in my experience it definitely struck the fear in me to do my best and not misbehave, but it also added other issues for me. Like not trusting my parents enough to talk to them about things and other stuff. It also doesn't work for every kid. While it struck fear in me, it only made my sister even more rebellious when she got punished. Overall, its just a wrong way of parenting.
@ Anakisuto
I guess the textbook definition would be ; "Gentle parenting is a form of positive parenting that emphasizes understanding a child’s behavior through empathy and respect, giving choices versus commands, and responding in a way that considers a child’s intellectual and developmental levels," cited here
Everyone is different though. Of course, I can only speak for my own parenting style and experiences. How is your uncle's way different, if you don't mind me asking?
Thank you for the compliment, friend your babies are lucky to have you too. I'm sorry that you had to go through those experiences. You're right, it's important to talk openly and let each other know we aren't alone!
your babies are lucky to have you too. I'm sorry that you had to go through those experiences. You're right, it's important to talk openly and let each other know we aren't alone!
It's awesome that you're trying gentle parenting! Sadly in my country people still condone physical punishment, even if it's illegal these days. I do have one question regarding your experiences - When and how did you realise your parents' upbringing was wrong?
To answer your question, he and his wife basically don't punish their kids. They just tell them to stop, and why what they did isn't okay.
One time, his oldest kid, who was 4 or 5 at the time, punched me in the chest. If you are a woman, this hurts more. You know why. I lost my crap at him, and he started crying. Not because I hurt his feelings, but because he was confronted by someone about his behavior.
His parents eventually sat him down and did their thing, but he still does it, just not to me.
As a side note, my aunt and uncle aren't entitled people, they just don't believe in "typical punishment." I've told them on numerous occasions that they need to do something about his behavior, but they insist that will make their kids hate them.
I avoid visiting the when I can
One time, his oldest kid, who was 4 or 5 at the time, punched me in the chest. If you are a woman, this hurts more. You know why. I lost my crap at him, and he started crying. Not because I hurt his feelings, but because he was confronted by someone about his behavior.
His parents eventually sat him down and did their thing, but he still does it, just not to me.
As a side note, my aunt and uncle aren't entitled people, they just don't believe in "typical punishment." I've told them on numerous occasions that they need to do something about his behavior, but they insist that will make their kids hate them.
I avoid visiting the when I can
@ Ben
Definitely! Congratulations to you and your wife again! And good luck on your gentle parenting journey
@ ChebaTheBee
Yeah it's sad that people still think violence is the way to go. They don't realize that violence just condones more violence.
To answer your question, for one, I took college psychology classes in my later high school years and realized how the way my parents raised me affected me in the long run. I also realized a lot through social media believe it or not. Just as SM can be draining, it can also be informative. It can connect you with people who can explain certain things and connect dots that make you go "Ohhhh that's why I have low self esteem because I had a narcissistic parent...". Realizing all my hidden and unresolved traumas that some (not all) were brought up by how I was raised made me realize how I wanted to be different.
Do I think my parents did a bad job? No, I turned out okay. Sure, Im not at the best I can be but I am trying. I just think their generation was never taught how to properly show love, discipline and raise their children from the generation before them and so on . Its that endless cycle I want to break with my kids, so that when they become parents one day, they could raise them even better than I could.
@ Anakisuto
Hmm... I see.. Well everyone's experience is different. Seems to me they arent disciplining effectively. I don't really know the situation so I cant comment on it too much. I am sorry though that you got punched in your chest! That is awful!!! I know that must've hurt 😖 hopefully your cousin never does that again to you.
Definitely! Congratulations to you and your wife again! And good luck on your gentle parenting journey
@ ChebaTheBee
Yeah it's sad that people still think violence is the way to go. They don't realize that violence just condones more violence.
To answer your question, for one, I took college psychology classes in my later high school years and realized how the way my parents raised me affected me in the long run. I also realized a lot through social media believe it or not. Just as SM can be draining, it can also be informative. It can connect you with people who can explain certain things and connect dots that make you go "Ohhhh that's why I have low self esteem because I had a narcissistic parent...". Realizing all my hidden and unresolved traumas that some (not all) were brought up by how I was raised made me realize how I wanted to be different.
Do I think my parents did a bad job? No, I turned out okay. Sure, Im not at the best I can be but I am trying. I just think their generation was never taught how to properly show love, discipline and raise their children from the generation before them and so on . Its that endless cycle I want to break with my kids, so that when they become parents one day, they could raise them even better than I could.
@ Anakisuto
Hmm... I see.. Well everyone's experience is different. Seems to me they arent disciplining effectively. I don't really know the situation so I cant comment on it too much. I am sorry though that you got punched in your chest! That is awful!!! I know that must've hurt 😖 hopefully your cousin never does that again to you.
AquaCharm wrote:
@ ChebaTheBee
Yeah it's sad that people still think violence is the way to go. They don't realize that violence just condones more violence.
To answer your question, for one, I took college psychology classes in my later high school years and realized how the way my parents raised me affected me in the long run. I also realized a lot through social media believe it or not. Just as SM can be draining, it can also be informative. It can connect you with people who can explain certain things and connect dots that make you go "Ohhhh that's why I have low self esteem because I had a narcissistic parent...". Realizing all my hidden and unresolved traumas that some (not all) were brought up by how I was raised made me realize how I wanted to be different.
Do I think my parents did a bad job? No, I turned out okay. Sure, Im not at the best I can be but I am trying. I just think their generation was never taught how to properly show love, discipline and raise their children from the generation before them and so on . Its that endless cycle I want to break with my kids, so that when they become parents one day, they could raise them even better than I could.
Oooh I see.
Yeah I can relate to how people on social media can be helpful!
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