Looking for some critics

So, this may sound strange, but I am looking for some critics on something I am writing. Since I don't have a lot going on and wanted to write my own story, not reader inserts for animes, me and my friend came up with an idea for doing something similar to what John Green and David Leviathan did for the book Will Grayson, Will Grayson, though it is a completely different plot we have in mind and written a different point of view. So, we have choose to write a few chapters for our story on our own to start off with and give the readers an idea of who the characters are, though their names aren't mentioned until they meet and but I don't doubt someone will be able to tell which of my characters I used.

Now, the format for the story is a diary format, written in different time stamp intervals. I will only being showing the first half I have written on my end but we agreed to have other people look at them first before we show it to each other.

Now, you might be thinking, "Why did you choose RPR for asking this?" I choose this site because it is full of writers that love to write with other people and many have more experience than I do. I want these people to look over what I have written and give me their honest opinion on it and tell me if there is any room for improvements and what else I could do to improve my writing overall. If you are interested in looking over what I have written, please send me a PM of your email address. I can't give out much information on what the plot will be just yet, but if you would like to keep looking over my half or the story, then you will figure out as it goes farther. It will not be posted on any of my sites, I am thinking of publishing it when it is finished and I will probably use my username as a pen name if it does get published.