Duck Duck GOOSE! (that means hello and I need your help.)
I wrote this fan fition on this website that was good for expressing you imagination and writing your inner most inner imagination. I post my first chapter, but I had to wait 12 hours then when I finally got to post my stuff. I got no reviews and seven views. Which I was happy seven people actually viewed my work but didn't give me any review or critic.
Zero, zilch..nada. Sooo...I'm asking if anyone would like to critic my work.
Yeah, the first chapter is short since I want minimal dialogue before getting the story. So it's a quick read!
I wrote this fan fition on this website that was good for expressing you imagination and writing your inner most inner imagination. I post my first chapter, but I had to wait 12 hours then when I finally got to post my stuff. I got no reviews and seven views. Which I was happy seven people actually viewed my work but didn't give me any review or critic.
Zero, zilch..nada. Sooo...I'm asking if anyone would like to critic my work.
First chapter
The day of my betrayal was the day that questions bombarded my mind when I was almost killed by a friend, left me unanswered. I remember those precise moments as they flashed through my mind like a abandoned memory. I remember when I hid behind a mask, in front of my friends, a fake person with fake comrades. It felt like such a long time ago, all the new things I experianced and all those things they helped me improve on. All of those things I went through were all my hopes that will never come true and will only stay in my delusional world. After being spared my life and ordered to be taken home. I would look back on this moment and sadness would pour down my eyes. This was a feeling I've been holding in and running away from since I was little.
But once that feeling came back to bite me for another time. I would realize, happiness and joy weren't there to force a smile upon my face.
That day of November 15, was the day of my betrayl and the day when I broke. Those thoughts still hurt me even now, his smiling face fading on the ground. A smile that wasn't fake like mine, but the last true smile I'll ever see. After he fell infront of what I thought was a comrade and a leader. I revealed myself for who I truely was.
My comrade took his sword and stuck it to my neck once he recognized me through my tearful face. But that wasn't the first time he stuck a sword at me it was the second. I wasn't relaxed about it like last time. I turned my head to the angered captain, the boiling rage, the lust for revenge. I used my power in a attempt to take him down. It wasn't fair! What did he do to deserve this! Defend his country, defend his soiled family name?! Well, that's what I thought but never said.
Our battle was short lived after the Captain's soldiers jumped in after my dark magic clashed his forged blade after my last strike. After pinning me down I listened to the loud thunders of his voice curse above my head and demand my reasons for sneaking into his country and joining his army. I paused not answering his question, but glancing at comrades who surrounded me with shameful and surprised eyes.
What they thought was a strong Yilssen man was savage witch accused of bringing suffering to Ylisse and her own people. But was I really the savage? Was I the one to beat for clearing my countries name? Stopping a pig who dares call himself and Plegian yet alone a king?
I held in all the pain while they took so much from me, but did I do something to take something precious away from them? Maybe I was too selfish to even think about their reasoning. My family, they fought so hard, but they were just apart of 'needed bloodshed.'
Now I will I be apart of their bloodshed. For being denied peace her people peace? It didn't sound right...
The day of my betrayal was the day that questions bombarded my mind when I was almost killed by a friend, left me unanswered. I remember those precise moments as they flashed through my mind like a abandoned memory. I remember when I hid behind a mask, in front of my friends, a fake person with fake comrades. It felt like such a long time ago, all the new things I experianced and all those things they helped me improve on. All of those things I went through were all my hopes that will never come true and will only stay in my delusional world. After being spared my life and ordered to be taken home. I would look back on this moment and sadness would pour down my eyes. This was a feeling I've been holding in and running away from since I was little.
But once that feeling came back to bite me for another time. I would realize, happiness and joy weren't there to force a smile upon my face.
That day of November 15, was the day of my betrayl and the day when I broke. Those thoughts still hurt me even now, his smiling face fading on the ground. A smile that wasn't fake like mine, but the last true smile I'll ever see. After he fell infront of what I thought was a comrade and a leader. I revealed myself for who I truely was.
My comrade took his sword and stuck it to my neck once he recognized me through my tearful face. But that wasn't the first time he stuck a sword at me it was the second. I wasn't relaxed about it like last time. I turned my head to the angered captain, the boiling rage, the lust for revenge. I used my power in a attempt to take him down. It wasn't fair! What did he do to deserve this! Defend his country, defend his soiled family name?! Well, that's what I thought but never said.
Our battle was short lived after the Captain's soldiers jumped in after my dark magic clashed his forged blade after my last strike. After pinning me down I listened to the loud thunders of his voice curse above my head and demand my reasons for sneaking into his country and joining his army. I paused not answering his question, but glancing at comrades who surrounded me with shameful and surprised eyes.
What they thought was a strong Yilssen man was savage witch accused of bringing suffering to Ylisse and her own people. But was I really the savage? Was I the one to beat for clearing my countries name? Stopping a pig who dares call himself and Plegian yet alone a king?
I held in all the pain while they took so much from me, but did I do something to take something precious away from them? Maybe I was too selfish to even think about their reasoning. My family, they fought so hard, but they were just apart of 'needed bloodshed.'
Now I will I be apart of their bloodshed. For being denied peace her people peace? It didn't sound right...
Yeah, the first chapter is short since I want minimal dialogue before getting the story. So it's a quick read!
You are on: Forums » Art & Creativity » ~♡Writing Critic♡~
Moderators: Mina, Keke, Cass, Claine, Sanne, Dragonfire, Ilmarinen, Darth_Angelus