Sorry if I place this in the wrong forums, but I'd like someone (or in this case a few) to quickly review, and point out any thing wrong with my character bio. Right now, the bio remains unfinished, and I still think the part where Abella's crying to be needing some work, and a few historical inaccuracies I'm unsure of. Basically, I'm creating a jester assassin character named 'Mercuzio' and I need some feedback on his bio. Please don't be too harsh, I still consider myself an amateur writer but, here's the bio:
Mercuzio
Born a serf in 1467 outside the city of Genoa, Mercuzio lived his whole childhood working on the fields. To him, all his life was is pure work, hard, back-breaking, work. He managed to make a living off of 50 florins a year, almost enough to feed his family and survive. His mother died when giving birth to him, leaving him to live with his father, learning the necessary skills to survive off the land. As with most belonging to serfdom, he barely received a proper academic education, leaving him illiterate, and ignorant of most things. He spent his childhood mostly working, but occasionally, does get the chance to play with the other peasant children, particularly his bestfriend Abella, who he's known since he was 12. There was a secret willow tree in the middle of the forest where Mercuzio and Abella would run to to secretly talk about various subjects, especially personal subjects such as the death of his mother, or how Abella prefers to live in solitude. On his 18th birthday, most of his friends were conscripted into the Milanese army to bolster the forces needed to defeat the Venetians, fortunately, he was not one of them, and continued his life as a serf. When he turned 21, after saving up years worth of florins, he moved out of his father's home, and started a family with his wife newly wed wife: Abella.
Mercuzio owned a small piece of land on the other side of Genoa, and lived happily with his wife Abella. However, he still remained a serf to his lord, so work was mandatory within his life, despite the fact that he's never been happier. Alas, they both were away from the secret willow tree they used to go to, but instead move to a small brook where they mostly sit down, and listen to the brook's stream, as it seemed to comfort and relax them. Later on, on Mercuzio's 23rd birthday, Abella became pregnant, and bore two children: Giovanni, and Niccolo, making life significantly harder for them. After much financial hardships, their kids eventually reached their teens, and pay came a lot easier. However new troubles brew as other children around them began bullying Giovanni, mostly throwing rocks at him, and judging his size. Unfortunately there wasn't much Mercuzio or Abella could do to stop it, as the children bullying him had noble connections. Fortunately enough, Giovanni coped with it for the rest of his life, until the nobles and their children eventually moved out on 1497.
Life was tough, yet it was oddly satisfying for Mercuzio to know that he achieved much for a serf. Mercuzio couldn't ask for more; a beautiful wife, two obedient children who look up to him, and a peaceful life. This was all about to change.
On August the 22nd, 1500 at midnight, Mercuzio and Abella were sleeping blissfully, until the sound of footsteps could be heard within the other room. After a while, it stopped, yet they were both on high alert. Mercuzio climbs out of bed and grabs a mallet from underneath the bed, and slowly approaches the source of the noise. Suddenly, he felt something touch him from behind, but by the time he could take a look at who it was, he was knocked out cold by some blunt object. Mercuzio crashes to the wooden floor with a loud *thud* causing Abella to quickly dart out of bed and rush to the room, only to find some black clad figure carrying Mercuzio out of the window. The assailant jumps out the window, causing Abella to scream and attempt to chase after the assailant, but by the time she reached the window, they were both gone. She drops to her knees and begins sobbing and praying, "Why?" She'd ask, "Why him?" Her breathing began to feel laboured, and it's almost as if her heart melted, and its contents seeping through her organs. The ruckus caused her children to come into the same room, and ask what happened. She responds through a shaky breath, "Your father... he is... gone..."
So what do you think? I'm still working on it so things aren't quite finished yet. I'd prefer it if you would give me some advice on how to improve this as I am open to change.
Mercuzio
Born a serf in 1467 outside the city of Genoa, Mercuzio lived his whole childhood working on the fields. To him, all his life was is pure work, hard, back-breaking, work. He managed to make a living off of 50 florins a year, almost enough to feed his family and survive. His mother died when giving birth to him, leaving him to live with his father, learning the necessary skills to survive off the land. As with most belonging to serfdom, he barely received a proper academic education, leaving him illiterate, and ignorant of most things. He spent his childhood mostly working, but occasionally, does get the chance to play with the other peasant children, particularly his bestfriend Abella, who he's known since he was 12. There was a secret willow tree in the middle of the forest where Mercuzio and Abella would run to to secretly talk about various subjects, especially personal subjects such as the death of his mother, or how Abella prefers to live in solitude. On his 18th birthday, most of his friends were conscripted into the Milanese army to bolster the forces needed to defeat the Venetians, fortunately, he was not one of them, and continued his life as a serf. When he turned 21, after saving up years worth of florins, he moved out of his father's home, and started a family with his wife newly wed wife: Abella.
Mercuzio owned a small piece of land on the other side of Genoa, and lived happily with his wife Abella. However, he still remained a serf to his lord, so work was mandatory within his life, despite the fact that he's never been happier. Alas, they both were away from the secret willow tree they used to go to, but instead move to a small brook where they mostly sit down, and listen to the brook's stream, as it seemed to comfort and relax them. Later on, on Mercuzio's 23rd birthday, Abella became pregnant, and bore two children: Giovanni, and Niccolo, making life significantly harder for them. After much financial hardships, their kids eventually reached their teens, and pay came a lot easier. However new troubles brew as other children around them began bullying Giovanni, mostly throwing rocks at him, and judging his size. Unfortunately there wasn't much Mercuzio or Abella could do to stop it, as the children bullying him had noble connections. Fortunately enough, Giovanni coped with it for the rest of his life, until the nobles and their children eventually moved out on 1497.
Life was tough, yet it was oddly satisfying for Mercuzio to know that he achieved much for a serf. Mercuzio couldn't ask for more; a beautiful wife, two obedient children who look up to him, and a peaceful life. This was all about to change.
On August the 22nd, 1500 at midnight, Mercuzio and Abella were sleeping blissfully, until the sound of footsteps could be heard within the other room. After a while, it stopped, yet they were both on high alert. Mercuzio climbs out of bed and grabs a mallet from underneath the bed, and slowly approaches the source of the noise. Suddenly, he felt something touch him from behind, but by the time he could take a look at who it was, he was knocked out cold by some blunt object. Mercuzio crashes to the wooden floor with a loud *thud* causing Abella to quickly dart out of bed and rush to the room, only to find some black clad figure carrying Mercuzio out of the window. The assailant jumps out the window, causing Abella to scream and attempt to chase after the assailant, but by the time she reached the window, they were both gone. She drops to her knees and begins sobbing and praying, "Why?" She'd ask, "Why him?" Her breathing began to feel laboured, and it's almost as if her heart melted, and its contents seeping through her organs. The ruckus caused her children to come into the same room, and ask what happened. She responds through a shaky breath, "Your father... he is... gone..."
So what do you think? I'm still working on it so things aren't quite finished yet. I'd prefer it if you would give me some advice on how to improve this as I am open to change.
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