Forums » Smalltalk » Why are you so serious?

More out of curiosity than anything else...

But why do people have to take themselves so seriously? And I mean this in several facets.

Work, school, sociality, identity, etc...

I just don't get it. I mean, I know who I am but that doesn't mean I have to wave it in people's faces all the time like I'm seeking attention, recognition or acceptance or anything. Why can we all just accept who we are and move on? There is absolutely no need to dwell on such things - that does nothing but waste everyone's time, effort and patience.

I suppose an easy way of putting it is that some of these things don't come natural to these people. They don't have it all figured out for a long time, so when they finally do it becomes the center of their universe for a while. If you've never had a job and you finally get one, it's normal to talk a lot about it at first. If you made major accomplishments in school, it feels awesome and you want to brag about it. If you finally figure out you're gay after spending years doubting yourself, this newfound you is thrilling to talk about.

When you're someone who's already got most/all of it figured out, it can be very annoying having to deal with this and feeling like it gets shoved into your face constantly. It's good to try and understand their perspective! Some people kind of overshoot it and end up focusing so fully on one aspect of themselves it becomes unhealthy, unfortunately, and that can be very difficult to work with.

In most cases, this behavior is due to the 'newness' of something amazing that happened to them, and it wears off when the newness wears off.

I understand the newness and the excitement alright (believe you me, I know it) but like you also said focusing on it for such an extended period of time is exhausting for other people. I'm just like "Yes, I love you, I accept it, you're still you, hooray! Can we please more on? It's been 3 months now... Please?!"

Dunno what you're talking about, mate. Who doesn't love being an Ogrefish?

I think the best thing to do in that case is let them know gently that, while you celebrate with them, you'd love to celebrate other things too. Three months might seem a lot, but it can be very little to them depending on how long they've waited for that moment!

Everything you named is life or death serious. Maybe not from moment to moment - whether you get an A or a B on a specific test in school probably won't change the course of your life - but in the big picture, it shapes the road ahead of you, adds and removes obstacles, presents hundreds and thousands of new questions about who you are and who you will become.

Oops, I just realized I want to be an artist when my parents have been preparing me to be a doctor my entire life! What do I do now?

Oops, I just realized I am gay and there are people in my life who may not accept that. What do I do now?

A change in any of these realms has ripple effects on all of the rest of your life, and answering any one of the "big" life questions raises hundreds of other profound questions. "Where will I live now? What is my new community? Do I have the skills I need to survive in my new chosen/forced reality? If not, where will I find them? What does this mean for how people will treat me? What does this mean for how I treat myself? What does this change even mean for me?"

So it's no surprise that someone might become obsessed with any of these things. It should be given a lot of thought, by all of us. It tends to be in especially high gear during a person's teens and early twenties, though it can happen at any time of life.

This may not be celebration at all, but fearfully looking for re-assurance, bringing "it" (whatever it is) up over and over to see if you really won't push them away for it.

But of course, in a relationship, it has to be give and take. I can't call myself a friend if I only ever have you listen to what's going on with me and never ask how your day went. Delicacy is required here, but you are not out of bounds to ask for a return to variety in subject matter.

That's a very good point!

I concur with Kim: yes, these are all very serious things. I understand precisely where you're coming from with the question, however.

In any of the situations you've alluded to, there is always at least one of two forces at work: a) confidence, or the lack thereof, and b) self-absorption.

A discerning eye coupled with empathy can tell them apart--and, having been around the block, myself, I've seen quite a lot of the latter and it does get terribly tiring. I no longer tolerate these events when they are a matter of self-absorption.

However, when a friend is in a crisis of confidence, it is a very profound show of that friendship to assist them. This does not necessarily mean only giving them assurance; assurance is the easiest gift to give, and people intuitively know that someone may tell them something just to shut them up or end a subject, so no amount of assurance will satisfy them unless it is coupled with something of substance. It is of much more significance to dig into the issue and discover the source of this renewing lack of confidence, and even better to brainstorm or propose solutions. Why does so-and-so feel the need to bring such-and-such up all the time? What answer do they wish to find, what loose end do they need to tie, before they can let the subject rest once and for all?

Once you find the reason for the longing and satisfy it (or guide them to satisfaction for it), odds are that in their security, your friend (or otherwise) won't execute this behavior anymore because they have no need to--the call for assistance has been seen to.

Now, when it's a call for attention, well--that's a different matter.

TL;DR: People take these things seriously because they are serious! However, they also put them outside of themselves and wave them around in the open because, whether or not they are personally aware of it, they are looking for answers, for guidance, and for assurance that comes from somewhere else, because for whatever reason they are not confident that they can find or obtain these things alone. It is a tender point of vulnerability to them, so they are less likely to be able to joke about the matter, whatever 'the matter' is. Once they are given what they need, people are more likely to re-establish their confidence, get comfortable, and be able to chuckle at themselves.

Yes. This is very important.
When I, a person with very low self esteem, find myself in a thought spot, I will most likely try getting some help or guidance through it
But the thing is, most of the time, the things I worry about are quite the obvious things for others. Like, job, work, life in general. I'm not good with any of them and my life has been a carousel of questions and doubts lately. I can't hide it forever behind laughter and jokes, I need to face it someday

I bet all of us have moments like this at some point

@Wizard, I think I'll need to apply some of that advice you gave me. Both the discerning eye against self-absorption and/or help find the reasons for their insecurities and help them feel more confident and comfortable about who they are. But part of all this kinda strikes me as funny now you've brought it up. You'd think being vulnerable would do the opposite of making everything so public?

@Reima, I'm sorry you've had to feel that way. I honestly can say I have felt that way before, until recently my life has been way off track for a long time. Rest assured that with hard work and lots of patience things always have a way of turning around. I feel like it's actually the trials that allow us the most growth in our lives - the most learning and experience.

People handle different things in different ways! Some of us work through these matters more privately (sometimes, maybe, too privately), while others, especially more extroverted or social people, might naturally open themselves up in the hopes of finding a support group and getting external aid. Of course, there are extremes on both ends, and unhealthy habits that can be formed no matter what one decides to do.

I'd been ignoring this thread, figuring it was something silly, and finally decided to click it. Not silly.

I'm far too lazy to properly read all the responses so far, but if I'm understanding the original question correctly:

Some just like to show off accomplishments, or where they're at in life. Some don't have much of a life beyond the thing, so it's all they really have to discuss. Some are seeking validation. Some are advocating, perhaps to help validate others. Some are seeking others to discuss the thing with, others with similar experiences or who can offer advice.

For example, I recently came to understand that I'm in the asexual spectrum, and I've since thrown myself into trying to get a better understanding of it and and related things. For most part, I only bring it up when it's relevant - someone asks, or mentions also being part of it, or some conversation about it comes up. However, I did make an announcement on FB awhile back, not because I was proud or seeking validation, but as a possible contact point for others who might have been confused as I was. Depending on how FB filters things for those I'm connected to, I may also look like I'm bordering on being an activist because I do occasionally like/share/comment on posts concerning asexuality, most often in debates/arguments. *shrugs*

There are things that are important to some people that aren't important to others. That's... really the main thing there.