I made this. I'm not sure where to put it, so I'm leaving it here 'cos I think it's creative and maybe it'll give you a laugh or two.
One morning, Kyle was unhappy. Not because he want to be, per se, but rather because he had a bad dice roll this morning. Kyle’s entire life is decided with the aid of a ten-sided die. It leads to some interesting situations, like not eating for three days straight or being angry during his brother’s wedding, but he stood by his decision. Mostly because whenever he considered stopping, he always rolled a 1. Kyle’s a level 46 human warrior, so maybe it’s irrational to be unhappy, but his die rolled a 3 this morning, so he’s unhappy.
He decided (by rolling a 9) that it would be best to go to a coffee shop to help my mood, so he fast-traveled to the nearest Starbucks to grab a coffee. When he got there, an elven barista greeted him.
“Welcome to Starbucks, what would you like to drink?” he asked. Kyle paused, considering, then rolled his die. He looked down and saw that he had rolled a 1.
“Ugh. I’ll have a cup of Folgers.”
“Oh, you’re a dice-roller?” said the barista, turning up his nose at Kyle.
“Yeah, I am,” Kyle said, confrontationally, “You got a problem?”
“Yeah, I do,” said the elf, snarling.
“What’s so bad about rolling a die?”
“Nothing, but discrimination is a good theme for a story,” replied the elf, shrugging. “I’m Ben. A level 5 elven rogue. Are you going on an adventure?”
Kyle looked at him, knowing what he had to do next. He rolled his die and got a 10. “Yep, I’m going on an adventure. Want to come?”
“Sure!” he replied. “Where are you going?”
“Well the Questmaster lives up north from here. I heard he’s a level 9,999 warlock, and he’ll reward you with a legendary item if you do a quest for him.”
“Really?” Ben asked, incredulous. “Why wouldn’t he just do it himself?”
“I dunno,” Kyle said. “But we might as well go and see what all the fuss is about.”
“Ok!” Ben exclaimed, so he changed into adventuring robes and the two headed off into the golden afternoon. It wasn’t five minutes before Ben stopped a moment.
“Wait, can’t we just fast travel?” he asked.
“No,” Kyle replied. “Fast traveling ruins the adventure. Besides, if we’re going to have a plot we need to have some sort of adventures along the way, right?”
“Oh,” Ben said, satisfied. So they went again on their way.
About six hours later, we arrived… at a small town in the foothills of a vast mountain range. We heard that the Questmaster lived in the mountains to the north. We were there to gather supplies, maybe fight a duel or two, and to gather as much intel on the Questmaster as we could. The town was a bustling crowd of people, laughing and chatting and buying and selling and dueling. Ben and Kyle fought through the mass to get to a general store. The clerk, a pretty but rather generic blue-haired, dimpled girl, welcomed them.
“Hi! Welcome to my store. See anything you like?” she chirped.
“Oh, hi. I’m Kyle and this is my friend Ben. We’re-”
“Hi! Welcome to my store. See anything you like?” she chirped.
“Leave it, Kyle. She’s an NPC,” Ben said.
“Hi! Welcome to my store. See anything you like?” she chirped.
Kyle nodded philosophically before turning his attention to her wares. He looked at a medical kit, a toy snake, a slingshot, a stuffed doll, a rubber glove, and a stick before realizing he was in the “Random Quest Item” section. He went over to the food section and a blue-wrapped candy bar caught his attention. Ben recognized it immediately.
“This is a Generic Bar! It was in the Relatable Items expansion pack. It gives Regen and Hyperactive buffs for up to three hours depending on how lucky you are. We should definitely get some, they’re ridiculously OP for the price.”
So Ben and Kyle bought 100 each, but they could only keep 80 of them because their party inventory was too small.
“Thanks for coming! Have a nice day,” the blue-haired NPC chirped again.
“Thanks!” Kyle said.
“Thanks for coming! Have a nice day,” the blue-haired NPC chirped again.
We left with all our candy bars, hoping to start up the mountains soon. Our adventures soon took us all the way to the northmost part of the town, where we inadvertently stumbled into an open ring, where the villagers were crowded around. In the middle of the circle was a bezerker half-troll with a battleaxe twice his own size. He was angry, and drunk, and everyone was egging him on. He was swinging at an elven rogue, who was hurling abuse at him and laughing. Kyle, after rolling a 4, decided to step in.
“Stop! Hey buddy, have one of these,” Kyle said, producing and extending one of the Generic Bars he had bought.
The half-troll considered it for a moment and took it, eating it wrapper and all. In a flash, he transformed into a level 6 Human mage.
“I apologize,” said the human in a deep Scottish brogue, “I turn into a half-troll when I’m hungry. Mind if I come with you? I have no real reason to but I think I might have a role in the storyline.”
“Of course!” Kyle exclaimed. “I have no reason not to trust you. Come on! We’re going to see the questmaster. Oh, right… What was your name?”
“My name is Kent. Kent the Mage,” Kent said.
“Right. Let’s go,” Kyle said, so they went together to see the questmaster.
Once they got to the town, they traveled up to the tallest mountain that they could find and saw the Questmaster’s tower. Once the party saw it, fast-traveling to it was a breeze, and soon they were there. The group were seen by some dwarven guards and brought before the Questmaster, a wizened old man with a long, wispy beard and knowing, bright blue eyes.
“I am the questmaster,” he said in a voice that was surprisingly strong for an old man.
“I am Kyle, and the name of my entourage is irrelevant, since I’m the main character.”
“Right. I already knew that, I was just waiting for you to tell me. You want a quest,” he told us. “There’s this flower down in the south, in my private gardens down there. Great climate. Anyway, it needs watering. Could you please water my flower? It’s very distinctive, one of a kind. You can’t miss it.”
The party stepped away from the Questmaster.
“You can’t be serious,” said Kent. “We’re going to water this old rag’s flower How is this a real quest? Is this really important?”
“I think we shouldn’t do it,” said Ben. “I’m morally opposed to flowers, and if you do this it’ll hurt my approval.”
Kyle rolled a die and got a 7. “I don’t care if you stop approving of me, Ben, and I think it’s critical to the main plot, Kent, so I think we should do it.”
Ben nodded slowly and suddenly became a woman.
“How about now? I’m Benna. Ben was just a trick. Now I’m your only love interest, so you have to go for my approval.”
Kyle’s eyes widened. He rolled his die again, got a 2, and sighed.
“I still don’t care, Benna. We have to go water the flower.” Kyle turned to the Questmaster and nodded. The Questmaster was delighted, and Benna’s approval of Kyle dropped 11 points. Kyle gave her a silver necklace he picked up on the carcass of a wolf he had killed (along with a sword, a purse full of gold and a full suit of armor), and her approval rose 12 points.
“Oh, thank you, Kyle! I totally don’t care about that major moral issue I had with your previous decision!” said Benna, beaming at him.
The party fast-traveled to the garden, which was guarded by an army of Dwarves. Kyle rolled a 2 and ordered his party to make a break for the gate. The dwarves swarmed them and brought Benna down with sheer numbers (since that’s the only way a dwarf who isn’t Gimli can kill someone), while Kyle and Kent made it through the gate. When they were inside and the gate was closed, effectively locking the dwarves out, Kyle began sobbing over the loss of his only love interest. Benna, however, was right in front of him.
“You’re so silly, Kyle! I respawned next to you when you left the area! Don’t you know that life is as cheap as dirt? Anyway, my leg is broken but I’ll just eat a Generic Bar and it’ll heal right up. Let’s go water that flower,” she said happily. Kyle, happier, led the group into the heart of the garden, which was completely devoid of guards. Finally they found the flower in question: A delicate, shimmering silver-petaled lily. Kyle pulled out a water bottle and prepared to water the flower, but Kent spoke up.
“Hey! It might be a trap. Be careful, this is the moment when the flower will turn into a dragon or something and kill us all.”
“Nonsense,” said Kyle, who dumped the water on the flower. A roaring filled their ears as Kyle was thrown away from the flower, which was glowing white with magic. Suddenly, it turned into a massive white dragon, which killed all three of the adventurers without even blinking and flew off.
Kyle, Kent and Benna respawned, with various injuries, in the presence of the Questmaster. Kent got angry and yelled at the Questmaster.
“How could you send us on a quest you know was going to kill us? That was insensitive and-”
Kent disappeared in a cloud of ash as the Questmaster snapped his fingers.
“I didn’t like him anyway,” the old man said with a smile. “Anyway, you did water the flower so I might as well give you that legendary item.” He drew forth and handed to Kyle a hand-and-a-half sword with a decorated guard and a shimmering blade. “This is Fantasy Name, a legendary sword. It will serve you well.” He handed it to Kyle, in whose hands it plummeted to the ground because its strength requirement was 5,000 points too high. “And for you, Benna, I give this bracelet, Fantasy Accessory Name. It was crafted from the leather of the legendary Stealth Bull, and it will make you completely undetectable to even the best stealth-discovery skill.” He handed the bracelet to Benna, who discovered that it was a one-time use item that required level 4,521 to use.
“Alright,” the Questmaster said with a grin. “See you at next week’s DnD session!”
~~~~~~~~
One morning, Kyle was unhappy. Not because he want to be, per se, but rather because he had a bad dice roll this morning. Kyle’s entire life is decided with the aid of a ten-sided die. It leads to some interesting situations, like not eating for three days straight or being angry during his brother’s wedding, but he stood by his decision. Mostly because whenever he considered stopping, he always rolled a 1. Kyle’s a level 46 human warrior, so maybe it’s irrational to be unhappy, but his die rolled a 3 this morning, so he’s unhappy.
He decided (by rolling a 9) that it would be best to go to a coffee shop to help my mood, so he fast-traveled to the nearest Starbucks to grab a coffee. When he got there, an elven barista greeted him.
“Welcome to Starbucks, what would you like to drink?” he asked. Kyle paused, considering, then rolled his die. He looked down and saw that he had rolled a 1.
“Ugh. I’ll have a cup of Folgers.”
“Oh, you’re a dice-roller?” said the barista, turning up his nose at Kyle.
“Yeah, I am,” Kyle said, confrontationally, “You got a problem?”
“Yeah, I do,” said the elf, snarling.
“What’s so bad about rolling a die?”
“Nothing, but discrimination is a good theme for a story,” replied the elf, shrugging. “I’m Ben. A level 5 elven rogue. Are you going on an adventure?”
Kyle looked at him, knowing what he had to do next. He rolled his die and got a 10. “Yep, I’m going on an adventure. Want to come?”
“Sure!” he replied. “Where are you going?”
“Well the Questmaster lives up north from here. I heard he’s a level 9,999 warlock, and he’ll reward you with a legendary item if you do a quest for him.”
“Really?” Ben asked, incredulous. “Why wouldn’t he just do it himself?”
“I dunno,” Kyle said. “But we might as well go and see what all the fuss is about.”
“Ok!” Ben exclaimed, so he changed into adventuring robes and the two headed off into the golden afternoon. It wasn’t five minutes before Ben stopped a moment.
“Wait, can’t we just fast travel?” he asked.
“No,” Kyle replied. “Fast traveling ruins the adventure. Besides, if we’re going to have a plot we need to have some sort of adventures along the way, right?”
“Oh,” Ben said, satisfied. So they went again on their way.
About six hours later, we arrived… at a small town in the foothills of a vast mountain range. We heard that the Questmaster lived in the mountains to the north. We were there to gather supplies, maybe fight a duel or two, and to gather as much intel on the Questmaster as we could. The town was a bustling crowd of people, laughing and chatting and buying and selling and dueling. Ben and Kyle fought through the mass to get to a general store. The clerk, a pretty but rather generic blue-haired, dimpled girl, welcomed them.
“Hi! Welcome to my store. See anything you like?” she chirped.
“Oh, hi. I’m Kyle and this is my friend Ben. We’re-”
“Hi! Welcome to my store. See anything you like?” she chirped.
“Leave it, Kyle. She’s an NPC,” Ben said.
“Hi! Welcome to my store. See anything you like?” she chirped.
Kyle nodded philosophically before turning his attention to her wares. He looked at a medical kit, a toy snake, a slingshot, a stuffed doll, a rubber glove, and a stick before realizing he was in the “Random Quest Item” section. He went over to the food section and a blue-wrapped candy bar caught his attention. Ben recognized it immediately.
“This is a Generic Bar! It was in the Relatable Items expansion pack. It gives Regen and Hyperactive buffs for up to three hours depending on how lucky you are. We should definitely get some, they’re ridiculously OP for the price.”
So Ben and Kyle bought 100 each, but they could only keep 80 of them because their party inventory was too small.
“Thanks for coming! Have a nice day,” the blue-haired NPC chirped again.
“Thanks!” Kyle said.
“Thanks for coming! Have a nice day,” the blue-haired NPC chirped again.
We left with all our candy bars, hoping to start up the mountains soon. Our adventures soon took us all the way to the northmost part of the town, where we inadvertently stumbled into an open ring, where the villagers were crowded around. In the middle of the circle was a bezerker half-troll with a battleaxe twice his own size. He was angry, and drunk, and everyone was egging him on. He was swinging at an elven rogue, who was hurling abuse at him and laughing. Kyle, after rolling a 4, decided to step in.
“Stop! Hey buddy, have one of these,” Kyle said, producing and extending one of the Generic Bars he had bought.
The half-troll considered it for a moment and took it, eating it wrapper and all. In a flash, he transformed into a level 6 Human mage.
“I apologize,” said the human in a deep Scottish brogue, “I turn into a half-troll when I’m hungry. Mind if I come with you? I have no real reason to but I think I might have a role in the storyline.”
“Of course!” Kyle exclaimed. “I have no reason not to trust you. Come on! We’re going to see the questmaster. Oh, right… What was your name?”
“My name is Kent. Kent the Mage,” Kent said.
“Right. Let’s go,” Kyle said, so they went together to see the questmaster.
Once they got to the town, they traveled up to the tallest mountain that they could find and saw the Questmaster’s tower. Once the party saw it, fast-traveling to it was a breeze, and soon they were there. The group were seen by some dwarven guards and brought before the Questmaster, a wizened old man with a long, wispy beard and knowing, bright blue eyes.
“I am the questmaster,” he said in a voice that was surprisingly strong for an old man.
“I am Kyle, and the name of my entourage is irrelevant, since I’m the main character.”
“Right. I already knew that, I was just waiting for you to tell me. You want a quest,” he told us. “There’s this flower down in the south, in my private gardens down there. Great climate. Anyway, it needs watering. Could you please water my flower? It’s very distinctive, one of a kind. You can’t miss it.”
The party stepped away from the Questmaster.
“You can’t be serious,” said Kent. “We’re going to water this old rag’s flower How is this a real quest? Is this really important?”
“I think we shouldn’t do it,” said Ben. “I’m morally opposed to flowers, and if you do this it’ll hurt my approval.”
Kyle rolled a die and got a 7. “I don’t care if you stop approving of me, Ben, and I think it’s critical to the main plot, Kent, so I think we should do it.”
Ben nodded slowly and suddenly became a woman.
“How about now? I’m Benna. Ben was just a trick. Now I’m your only love interest, so you have to go for my approval.”
Kyle’s eyes widened. He rolled his die again, got a 2, and sighed.
“I still don’t care, Benna. We have to go water the flower.” Kyle turned to the Questmaster and nodded. The Questmaster was delighted, and Benna’s approval of Kyle dropped 11 points. Kyle gave her a silver necklace he picked up on the carcass of a wolf he had killed (along with a sword, a purse full of gold and a full suit of armor), and her approval rose 12 points.
“Oh, thank you, Kyle! I totally don’t care about that major moral issue I had with your previous decision!” said Benna, beaming at him.
The party fast-traveled to the garden, which was guarded by an army of Dwarves. Kyle rolled a 2 and ordered his party to make a break for the gate. The dwarves swarmed them and brought Benna down with sheer numbers (since that’s the only way a dwarf who isn’t Gimli can kill someone), while Kyle and Kent made it through the gate. When they were inside and the gate was closed, effectively locking the dwarves out, Kyle began sobbing over the loss of his only love interest. Benna, however, was right in front of him.
“You’re so silly, Kyle! I respawned next to you when you left the area! Don’t you know that life is as cheap as dirt? Anyway, my leg is broken but I’ll just eat a Generic Bar and it’ll heal right up. Let’s go water that flower,” she said happily. Kyle, happier, led the group into the heart of the garden, which was completely devoid of guards. Finally they found the flower in question: A delicate, shimmering silver-petaled lily. Kyle pulled out a water bottle and prepared to water the flower, but Kent spoke up.
“Hey! It might be a trap. Be careful, this is the moment when the flower will turn into a dragon or something and kill us all.”
“Nonsense,” said Kyle, who dumped the water on the flower. A roaring filled their ears as Kyle was thrown away from the flower, which was glowing white with magic. Suddenly, it turned into a massive white dragon, which killed all three of the adventurers without even blinking and flew off.
~~~~~~
Kyle, Kent and Benna respawned, with various injuries, in the presence of the Questmaster. Kent got angry and yelled at the Questmaster.
“How could you send us on a quest you know was going to kill us? That was insensitive and-”
Kent disappeared in a cloud of ash as the Questmaster snapped his fingers.
“I didn’t like him anyway,” the old man said with a smile. “Anyway, you did water the flower so I might as well give you that legendary item.” He drew forth and handed to Kyle a hand-and-a-half sword with a decorated guard and a shimmering blade. “This is Fantasy Name, a legendary sword. It will serve you well.” He handed it to Kyle, in whose hands it plummeted to the ground because its strength requirement was 5,000 points too high. “And for you, Benna, I give this bracelet, Fantasy Accessory Name. It was crafted from the leather of the legendary Stealth Bull, and it will make you completely undetectable to even the best stealth-discovery skill.” He handed the bracelet to Benna, who discovered that it was a one-time use item that required level 4,521 to use.
“Alright,” the Questmaster said with a grin. “See you at next week’s DnD session!”
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