Forums » Smalltalk » Some Help, Please!

Hey guys...I need a little help.
I (unwisely) agreed to RP with my boyfriend's friend, without knowing his playstyle or anything. Turns out, he writes script-style (which could be interesting), but he's trying to dictate to me what character I play as, according to his desires (and admittedly, fetishes). We set it up that it'd be a knight and a dragoness on an adventure to destroy an evil kingdom. I made my dragoness have her full dragon form, and then a human form with wings. He kept pushing me to make her have an anthro form, though. When I explained that I really prefer human characters (twice), he then suggested I make a third form that is anthro and really big, twice the size of the dragon form. Now, for some people, all of this is totally fine! But this is really not my thing and it's kind of eeking me out because my character is supposed to be mine, not tailored to his desires/fetishes.

There are so many red flags up right now. The problem is, he's a pretty good friend of my boyfriend's, and we game together on Warframe. How do I explain that I don't want to make that character (or even maybe not RP with him) in a polite way that won't cause drama?
I really, really don't think our playstyles mesh enough because all of this is really unsettling me. But I'm not sure how to tell him that in such a way that he'll get the message, but not be upset.
Help please ._.

That certainly is tricky and sounds very annoying. I think it's important to remember that you're not responsible for anyone else's feelings. You can only do your best to explain to them how you feel, with the best intentions in mind, and what they choose to do with that is up to them - not you. Forcing yourself to play with them because you want to avoid conflict usually leads to conflict in the long-term, with lots of frustrations and "But I don't understand! I thought we were having fun!". Nipping it in the bud now before they're invested is the best time to go about it.

Talking from the I-perspective helps avoid putting the blame on them and only describes your feelings. "I don't feel comfortable playing that. I prefer to keep my character the way I envisioned her."

If they're unwilling to make a compromise and play with your character the way you want to play her, then just very politely tell them "I'm really sorry, but I don't think this will work out. I don't feel comfortable playing what you're asking me to play, and I don't want either one of us to be unhappy with this game. I want everyone to have fun! I think it's best if I step out, and I wish you the best of luck finding someone more suitable to your style for awesome games."

Or at least something along those lines! You're not accusing them of anything, you're just expressing how you feel - and there's nothing wrong with that. If it does lead to drama, then it's 100% on him, not on you.

I'm really awful at telling people what I'm thinking because I don't like upsetting people, but sometimes the best thing for you to do is to simply speak up. I know what I wasn't too into an idea, but I tried to do it anyways, the rp dropped off because I never wanted to reply. Instead of smothering the rp that way I think it'd be best to explain exactly what you like and see where you two and give and take. If it's all one sided giving on your part, though, you're not going to be happy, and idk about you, but when I get pushed I get snappy. So instead of letting it get to that point, it's probably best to just speak your mind. Starting off saying that you're not intending to hurt feelings might be a good cushion.. Idk Hopefully someone else gives advice.

Thanks so much, Sanne, that really helps!

ilovedogs, that's definitely true. I get that way sometimes too. Thank you, that helps!

So far, he's not really accepting my gracious and careful way of saying 'no'. I'm pushing it just a little more, telling him something along the lines of 'I can't properly fulfill the muse you have in mind, but I'd love to help you find someone who could do a better job than I could' and 'I don't think my playstyle and RP interests are what you're looking for'. We'll see what happens. I'm very nervous x.x

Hate to say it, but you may just have to be blunt to him. I was in a situation somewhat similar to you with a person asking me for a replay and not taking any of my polite ways of saying no. Finally I just had to tell him point blank that I wasn't interested instead of tiptoeing around the matter.

To be fair however, I didn't know this person so it was much easier for me to do that, but even so, sometimes people just won't take a hint.

Wow, this guy is your boyfriend's friend and he's doing this to you? That has to be crossing some kind of line right? Especially since he won't take no for an answer.

If your boyfriend is a chill dude, I suggest telling him to tell his friend to lay off.

I'm talking to my boyfriend, and he definitely wants to step in. I've been trying to resolve this on my own, so as not to cause drama, but if the guy keeps causing problems I might need to let my boyfriend do his thing.

I'm with Katia, and I think being blunt doesn't have to be awkward. You can say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have fun RPing the way you're proposing."

Good luck! I get why you're nervous, so I hope the matter gets resolved quickly and painlessly. Sometimes people who aren't particularly able to take your hints can actually become relieved when you get blunt with them, because they finally understand what you mean

Thanks for all the feedback, guys!

I thought we had things resolved, I gave him some rules to go by if he REALLY wants to RP with me so badly. However, he already broke one of them (I told him that I wanted to be able to make/play my characters the way I envision them to be) and is micromanaging my character again. So I mentioned our different playstyles again, and if he protests once more I'm going to point out that I had just stated a couple messages ago that I wanted to play my character as I want them.
This has been a very frustrating encounter, but the guy really does not accept 'no' for an answer!

I think at this point it's time for "I don't want to play anymore". It's pretty obvious he's not interested in working with you, so dragging it on won't help at all. Your boyfriend sounds supportive of you - why not just outright stop the RP right now?

See the thing is, you can't put someone else's feelings and wants a mile ahead of your own for an RP. You aren't his playtoy. He's being some words that can't be said here. Tell him, exactly how you feel. I would recommend using strong words to do so. He's probably used to someone else just meekly going along with his creepo fantasies.

This is your character, your design. If he has that many specifications, maybe he should just stick to writing, or playing with himself. Ask him how much fun it would be to just sit in a corner posting back and forth to himself.

On the contrary you could start doing the same to him. Start insisting he change his character and do things you KNOW he's not gonna go for.

Celestina, you have gone far out of your way to be polite to this boy, to accommodate him, to explain your needs and boundaries, and he has at every turn taken advantage of you, ignored your comfort levels, and tried to guilt you into doing things he knows will make you uncomfortable.

You are absolved of all responsibility to try to manage his feelings; he is not showing you any of the same consideration that you kindly offered him. You can safely withdraw from this situation, with a firm and unequivocal "no thank you," and you can know that any reaction he has to that is his fault and not your responsibility.

Thank you so much for all of your help, everyone! The situation has now (hopefully) been peacefully resolved. I set down some solid rules, talked some things out with him, and we're going to at least give it a try. (I want to at least be able to say that much, that I tried. We all have different playstyles, after all). But, I have made it clear to him, that if things turn out that our playstyles really don't mesh and it just doesn't go well, he has to respect the fact that I will have to withdraw from the RP.
Thankfully, my boyfriend has been super supportive of my handling this situation and I know that, worst case scenario, if I do have to withdraw and this dude gets upset, my boyfriend will back my decision.
Thank you guys so much for all of your advice. I really couldn't have navigated this sticky situation without you all!