Forums » RP Discussion » How much is 'Too Much'?

So, recently it has come to my attention that some people aren't aware of the fact that they're overbearing or inappropriate when it comes to OOC interactions, or IC interactions. Inappropriate can mean multiple things, such as constantly hounding someone to rp, or trying to force someone to rp with you, or trying to structure a character entirely around someone elses' character and asking them for ideas on making that character, or even discussing sexual exploits OOC and trying to force the other person to also be into your fetish (yes, this is a thing that happened.), or people who are endlessly negative and do nothing but complain about their characters or themselves.

So, exactly how much is 'too much'? Myself and a lot of others don't like hurting the feelings of others, but when you say 'No thank you' or 'that's enough' and people still don't get the hint, what do you do? Especially if their complaint is that they're depressed and sad that nobody wants to rp with them, and you've already told them that their own negativity pushes people away? How do you deal with them, and what exactly is your limit for these sorts of things?

With the recent discussion of IC vs OOC relationships and how they affect the rp, I felt this might have been another point to bring up, but didn't feel like it fit within the context of that thread. Things like these CAN influence not only your rp and the relationship, but also the person on the other end.

Vote with your feet. Sadly not everyone is as socially adept as we'd like, but roleplay is where we go to relax and feel safe - nobody should have to worry about being called out for 'inappropriate' behavior (that may have worked for them before) nor you should burden yourself with trying to fix it. If it isn't a moderator's job, it's nobody's job, and the only sane recourse to someone who can't take a hint is to ask yourself how much you can take of them. The formula varies from person to person, but 'too much' would be when the answer is zero.

Like an antivirus or a spam filter, you may allow exceptions to your comfort levels from time to time, but there's no need to ever try and qualify or negotiate where you choose to draw a line; no means no. Someone's sensitive feelings do not make them an exception to your boundaries.

When people nag about roleplaying it has a negative effect on me. If I don't have time, or have other roleplays to prioritize and they can't respect that, then hell no I'm not roleplaying witth that person at all. I need a little space, IRL as well as when I roleplay. It's when roleplaying becomes a must (in a bad way) that it becomes toxic. Roleplaying should be fun for everyone involved, and pressuring others into roleplaying with you doesn't help that at all.

This goes the other way as well. I ask someone to roleplay, they say yes or no, and if they don't keep in touch after that I just see it as a lack of interest and move on. It's as easy as that. I try not to push people, because I don't like it when others do. I mean, I'll be a little sad, but if they're not interested it's really no use.

It took me a while to learn that I'm not responsible for anyone's feelings other than my own. I can only do my best to be kind, respectful and thoughtful and act with the best intentions in mind. If the other person chooses to interpret it as bad and gets their feelings hurt in the process, there's nothing I can do about it other than apologize and maybe rephrase what I said. I can't control how they feel, only what I say and do.

If my first time saying "No" didn't work because my phrasing might have been misinterpreted, I restate it more bluntly. If after that they still dismiss it and try to coerce me into something I don't want, I will tell them in no uncertain terms I'm not okay with this and I will block them. I do try to give everyone a chance and I try to keep in mind my phrasing may not have the intended message, but if I get to the blunt refusal and they still keep going? That's on them, not me, and I stopped feeling bad about moving on.

The depression thing is much more complex though. People with depression have a skewed perspective and don't fully realize their behavior is guaranteed to give negative outcomes. I've been there, I've told people "I'm not good enough and nobody wants to RP with me" even though that wasn't true at all. It's tricky because even though it wasn't the truth, it was my truth. I honestly perceived the world that way even if it wasn't accurate at all.

There's no standard way to deal with that. You're not a therapist and it's not up to you to fix those problems for them. If you're friends with them, I do think it's a good idea to be patient and acknowledge that what they're saying is a symptom of a real disease that has taken hold on them, and showing frustration with them will only confirm what they think and feel. Encourage them to go see someone professional because it will help them get better. Listen to them and remind them you care for them and that you at least consider them a good player. If you're positive it will have a positive effect on them.

If there are things that are being presented to me that I do not like, I attempt to be polite about it in the beginning and let them know that, "Hey, this is not something I'm interested in -- here are some reasons as to why."

Unfortunately, I've been met with a lot of people that look at this gentleness as me not being serious. Usually, I keep up the niceness for two or three posts depending on the tone of the interaction. Sometimes I will go straight into being firm, because I don't tolerate feeling like I'm being pushed around or demanded to do something I'm totally, 100% not obligated to do for them.

If niceness isn't met with understanding, then you have to be firm, and you definitely have to know when to tell them to leave you alone. If someone cannot respect your boundaries, then they honestly do not really deserve your time and devotion to RP or do anything else for them.

Niceness is a two way street! If you are giving it and not giving it back, saying "I'm sorry, I already said I don't want to do that. As my friend, please respect that," is still something a nice person will do. In some ways, you are being nice to your friendship by doing this, as you will have less reason to feel taken advantage of and less reason to carry hidden resentments that will grow into a wedge between you.

Nice doesn't have to mean doormat!

The depression issue is much harder. Depressed people often have chemical imbalances that will require professional help to address -- and those same imbalances can make it dramatically harder for the person to do the things that need to be done to get that help (if they have access in the first place, at all!) Let them know that even if you don't want to play right now, you still care about them as a person and really want to see them get better. Of course, only say this if it's true; sincere caring can be a balm.