Forums » Smalltalk » Seeking Advice: When Others are too Negative

Hey all. It's quite late, and I'm most definitely heading to bed after posting this (bearing that in mind, my replies will be quite delayed if you respond soon after I've posted!) but I've had something on my mind for a while that I was kinda curious what the community here might feel about it.

Now, I'm sure we can all relate to one thing when it comes to RP. We meet all sorts of people and thus, many different personality types. However, there's one type in particular I seem to be a beacon to; the Negative Nancy- as I so cheesily love to refer to it as. This Negative Nancy can be anyone; an acquaintance, a friend or eventually- an enemy. In my experience it's normally somebody I don't know very well, but who isn't quite a complete stranger either.

This is the type of person who seems to be a genuinely good person albeit a few human flaws (that we all have) and you think maybe, just maybe, you could be good friends... except for one thing. The negativity. It's constant, and sometimes it's even far-fetched and you find yourself feeling guilty some days because you can't help but feel they might be lying, but you're in no place to point fingers let alone offend someone who may be genuinely having a hard time in life.

I've had a few friendships end because of things like this, because I myself lead a life of conflict in a number of ways, and find that I just don't have the heart for the near 24/7 onslaught of lengthy detailing on why this other person's life sucks right now. In the past, I took everybody's problems onto my shoulders. I did (and to some extent still DO) everything I could to help ease their pain and brighten their day. Eventually it became too much for me on top of my own problems and I stepped back from playing the roll of internet-psychiatrist. However, I still do my best to be sensitive to other's problems and offer advice wherever I may... and I don't regret this.

Herein lies the problem, though. What do you do when that person's misery seems constant, over the top, never ending? I know what it's like to be in a dark place for weeks, maybe even months on end and I really do -not- want to be that person who says 'I can't take this anymore' and then calls off all communication, but I find that that's (in short) what happens a majority of the time I face this situation, time and time again. I'll try for months to cheer a person up, to try and brush off their constant depression from affecting me when nothing I do helps, drop them subtle hints that I myself am not capable of the non-stop negative feelings they give off every time we speak, but it never seems like enough. Eventually, feelings are hurt one way or another and all ties are cut.

What's a person to do in a situation like this? It's happened to me more times than I can count over the years, and especially so in the RP community. You know... I suffer from depression and anxiety myself, I know how it is. It can be rough and it can seem like there's no end to it, but I still find ways to smile, even if it's for a short time or in small bursts. But just saying that- in and of itself- makes me feel kinda horrible. I feel as if I'm saying 'well I can be happy, why can't you?' and that's just not the type of person I am. There has to be a better way to approach this, but I have trouble finding the words to do so.

So my far too long rant of sorts aside... what do you, people of this lovely little community, suggest myself (or others who experience a similar issue) do in the face of this situation? What's the best way to deal with this, or some ways you yourself may have dealt with it at one point? I suppose it's different with every person, but the end result always seems to be the same when it comes to me. If there's a way to avoid losing potential friendships like this, then I'd love to know because I just can't seem to figure it out.

(Kudos, btw, if you read all of that. You're amazing! Even if you don't have a response for me, thanks for reading. ♥)

Hi Lexi!

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling so much with this. I know what that's like very well myself, because my depression and anxiety put me in the "constant negative nancy" mode myself, but I also got out of that and try to help others wherever I can.

At this time I'm founder of the group "Here For You", a place for people to come in and seek comfort and assistance through a listening ear. I've learned a lot from running this group, and from the feedback we get I believe we're also helping out people in a lot of ways.

The first, foremost and most important thing to keep in mind: you come first. It sounds horrible to people who are used to putting themselves in second place, but if you keep doing that all the time, you're going to run yourself into the ground and then you can't help anybody at all. Being selfish by putting your health, your mental well being first and saying "I need to take a break from this" (which can be from a person too) doesn't make you a bad person. It's a good thing. It doesn't mean you abandon them, it just means you're nursing yourself so that you can nurse others feeling good, healthy and recharged. You'll come back stronger and more resilient.

The second, very important thing I remind myself of is that I am not responsible for how others feel. If someone feels bad, and I did everything to help them out - refer them to a therapist, offer them distractions, comfort them, listen etc. - and they're still feeling bad? Well, that's where my obligations end. I can't force someone to be happy. I can't force someone to feel better. If I did everything I could, and there's nothing else to do, is there a purpose in beating myself up over how someone else is feeling? I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If they don't use the tools I give them, if they don't make an effort to get better, then that's the end of the road for me. I make peace with that and let them sort themselves out.

That doesn't mean I stop being there for them though. If they come to me and say "I need a listening ear" or "I need help figuring this out", I gladly will! But stopping to feel obligated for another's happiness has been liberating in many ways, and I can be a better friend because of it. It's kind of weird to realize that this has helped people out much more than me caving to their every whim and feeding into their issues.

Another thing that's very important in my group is that I don't tolerate the 24/7 negative nancy attitude. It's okay to feel like crap. It's okay to have bad moments, rough patches and needing to cry and scream at the world. It's okay to have a chronic condition and talk about it often. But it's a must to put effort into improving themselves if someone wants to continue receiving help from us. That can be even something as simple as trying to rephrase some self-destructive sentences, for example, instead of saying "I'm sorry for being such a drag" try saying "Thank you for sticking with me through this". If someone is not willing to invest into small changes like this, to not even try (it's okay if it doesn't work out, but at least try), I'm personally not really willing to invest my energy into a black hole that will never be satisfied no matter how much attention it gets. That's not to be mean, but feeding into a self-destructive pattern is really harmful to the person, so my goal is always to try and get them to do something.

I know from experience that nothing happens overnight. Lots of people have relapses and when something happens, you go through ups and downs. But I also know there is a distinct difference between someone who really wants to get better and give it a shot, and someone who is content being miserable and just wants a lot of attention to justify being negative all the time. That's not necessarily done on purpose, but there's really not much you can do about people who are like that, and giving in to them is going to harm them over time.

If someone is not interested in trying anything to help themselves, I remove them from my closer circles and don't invest energy into them. Sometimes this hurts a lot because I care for these people as much as I care for other friends, but unless they are willing to work on things, you're not doing them any favors by confirming that not trying is okay and they'll get attention even if they sit there doing nothing.

What I've noticed is that being positive yourself, and offering a positive perspective on what someone is going through helps a ton. It can take time for them to adjust and adopt this new perspective, but if people like you they tend to mimic the things you say and do. If you lead by example, and show them that there is good even in bad situations, eventually they will start doing it themselves. It happened to me! I'm in individual and group therapy, and every time I talk about something that bothers me or I'm not doing well, my wonderful counselors and therapist offer me new views on situations. They encourage me to ask myself "Why do you feel like that? Why do people say these things?". They encourage me to understand another person's point of view. "Her being so dramatic about the texts she receives looks really immature and unnecessary to us, but it's important to understand the drama is legit and very real in her perspective because of her problems." Knowing these things, and answering these questions has made dramatic improvements in my overall well being. That's why I'm so adamant about paying it forward. I know that repetition and positivity and associating with positivity and banning negativity is so gosh darn important to how you feel and see the world.

I feel I got a bit off track here, but to answer your question: there's no way for certain to preserve friendships when it comes to people who deal with mental health problems and are negative often. All you can do is your best to be a positive influence on their life, maintaining clear boundaries so you don't lose yourself in their negativity, and realizing that if a friendship is lost, it's not because of you not trying or forsaking them; it's because they made the choice not to try and didn't take you into consideration as well. It has to be a two way street, and if you did everything you could to encourage that, and they don't respond to that, then that's the end of the road. But it's important to note that while I have experienced the ends of friendships this way, it's considerably less than when I was feeding into the negativity.

Hi Lexi,

Caretaker burnout is a huge and very real problem. It sounds like you have tried a whole lot of approaches to getting through this, but it sounds like you've never actually tried saying, "I care about you very much and I am so sorry you are feeling so bad, but I have depression and anxiety too and I don't think I can cope with being a support to anyone else today. Do you think you can help me out and we can talk about happier topics for today?"

Is that true? Maybe I misread, and if so, I apologize for being redundant! But if it is true that this hasn't been tried...

This is a perfectly okay thing to say. It doesn't tell them they are wrong, or that you don't care about them. It asks a friend to take a turn being the caretaker for awhile, by adjusting their topic choice. This isn't a big ask, and though it might feel jarring to one or both of you at first if you've gotten into the pattern of one-sided support, if someone can't eventually come around to seeing that you need and deserve some emotional support too, they are not being a good friend. And if they CAN come around, they probably are a friend, and that little bit of initial discomfort is a much better outcome for both of you than having to break ties for good.

Being someone that has also adopted the role of being a constant listening ear up to the point it becomes overwhelming I would also like to throw some (maybe) helpful advice into the thread. I'll probably be unable word it as well as Sanne who has covered the topic extremely well, but maybe I can offer a different perspective.

In the times I have found myself coddling up to my friends when they were going through hard times, I've learned dropping subtle hints that it's getting too much for you simply doesn't work. 99% of the time it will not get picked up on, leaving you only more sad and frustrated with yourself. Though it is not easy to do, being direct, though not necessarily blunt, is generally the best course of action to take. Not just for your sake, but for the venting people themselves too.

Why, you might ask? Because like Sanne stated, your own state of mind has to come first if you want to avoid becoming a wreck. I myself am a person who tends to keep things to himself, venting only if something is going on I can't deal with alone, so I can't truly speak for the person who does vent often. Hell, I can't even asure you this advise will work as it may sound a bit harsh, but I truly believe an honest approach on your feelings works best. Not just in this situation alone, but most problematic scenarios.

It's also important to keep in mind, though you are most likely aware of this, that these people do not mean to drag you down the depression hole with them. Which is why if you tell them they're becoming overbearing and it's affecting the friendship, they'll tone down for your sake, depending on the severity of the depression. That's my experience with it, at least. At times it becomes hard to know how much negativity a person can take before it affects them.

I hope this helps you out a little, and good luck! Oh, and never think you're a bad person for being fed up with the constant negativity. We're all (presumably) humans. We all have limits.

I can't offer as eloquent of a response as I want because I'm on a phone, so I'll try and get it out in a nutshell .

Sanne and Kim have pretty much nailed it on the head. I literally cannot explain it better than they just did.

The most important thing to realize is that you don't need to put your own wellbeing at risk for others. Others might feel better from you going way out of the way to help them through their problems, however if you compromise your own wellbeing then it isn't worth it. As someone with a built in drive/need to please others, I can totally understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately, some people aren't going to cheer up no matter what you do, and we have to move on from those caustic situations - especially if you've spent months and months trying to help them with no effort in their part. (not saying that's what happens, just a hypothetical scenario)

It's good that you're asking for help and getting some of this out there imo. Gets some of that stress off your shoulders. As the old saying goes: Rule #1 - You're number one.

Wow, thank you all for the in depth replies! Always a pleasant reminder of what an awesome community RPR holds.

I really appreciate all the different perspectives on this issue. It seems like the general consensus is to keep my own sanity in mind before addressing other's, and I can agree with that. Unfortunately for me, I just don't seem to have the luck with the types of people who allow that to happen. It seems I just have bad luck with the types who absolutely refuse to help themselves, and think poorly of me when I say I've finally reached my limit of just how much I can take. I try my hardest not to push them away, but there comes a point where all of my attempts to get them to stop being so negative around me for my own sake just don't get through to them, and I decided to cut ties. I wish it wouldn't have to end like that, but 9/10 that's about how it goes for me.

No need to apologize! I likely didn't elaborate enough on that particular area. To clarify, though, the unfortunate truth is that yes, toward the end of my patience limit with it it is something that I address- as kindly as I can of course. A few different turnouts have come of this... One, they get upset with me and, despite my many efforts to help them, they feel that I'm being insensitive to their feelings. Two, they SAY they'll try to stop, but either never get better or even sometimes get worse. They guilt trip as well at times, claiming that they're upset because no one will listen to them, etc. And lastly (at least the only other instance I can recall as of now) they just stop talking to me and we eventually stop speaking altogether.

All in all, I think I just have issues deciding what to do in certain situations, especially those in which things have gotten so absurd you can't help but think the other person is over reacting or flat out lying. At this point, do you continue to coddle them, dismiss it or address it? I wouldn't want to step on any toes of those who are having a really bad time, but when do you determine when too much is too much? If I ignore it, I tend to grow bitter toward that person, the more stories they tell, because I can't help but think them a liar. But I won't call them on it because I don't want to hurt them, and if I ever I finally snap and try to calmly ask them about the absurdities of the situation seeming unrealistic, it almost ALWAYS ends with a very dramatic outburst of 'how dare you call me a liar!' I pretty much gave up all together ever trying to address a situation in which I think someone's lying because of this. It never ends well.

So. I'm coming to this party really late, obviously. And, as such..am risking having my head bit off for necroing a post? (Is that a thing here...?)

I cannot go into any detail. However, I will say that I am on -BOTH- sides of this spectrum. I fully admit to being a negative Nancy. Thing is, I don't lie about anything going on. Not. One. Damn. Thing.
It truly is life shitting all over me, and me having went from someone that could handle it and take it in stride, to someone who can barely keep their head above water anymore...

However...I also get this from people in return. I do try to talk to people about things. To be someone they can talk to. To find common ground with them, to empathize WITH them by sharing my own certain experiences of how life sucks. Not for a pissing contest, but for actual empathy.

Needless to say, it comes back to bite me in the ass more often than not. Sometimes...I get sick of hearing things. Especially when it seems that the other persons situation is actually..very simple to control or, more simple than they actually think, and they are just choosing -not- to handle it correctly. Not like I can talk sometimes.

I ended a friendship with someone some years back over something like this. This individual always complained about their so called friends, and how badly he/she was treated by them. They always complained about their so called partner. They always complained about their family.
For many years, I tried to be there for them as a friend. Giving advice or just being someone for them to talk to. I tried to teach them, as far as their friends went, to stick up for themselves and stop letting said people walk all over them.

I personally feel they were lying about most, if not all, of their family issues..though.

One day, they decided..for whatever reason...to come at me. The person who had been there for them for 5 or so years. Accused me of being a poor friend. That..I was never there for them. I never listened, I did not care.

At that moment, and quite aggressively might I add (with my words), I told them never to contact me again. I was done.

Random story I know..*sighs*

I'm actually currently going through this once more. With a few people. I want to say something. But..that may involve loosing people that I wish not to loose. I've apparently said enough as is to cause issues so...it's..whatever.

I'm sure you understand...