Forums » RP Discussion » Honest criticism on fantasy concept wanted

This character of mine may very well be the one I take the most pride in. I have put a lot of thought into the concept, and would like a kind soul with some time on their hands to give his profile a good read. Though, I am always looking to improve in several aspects, and would love some honest criticism on the concept itself rather than his character. As it is right now I don't really know if any of it makes sense to anyone else but myself or Sasheth, haha. In return, if I find the criticism useful, I'll give you kudos, and I might even draw you a little something of a character of your choice! Maybe a face shot, a bust or a chibi.

On another sidenote; the species which the concept revolves around is an original species created by me, and I may be willing to share it with someone if I know they take responsibility, give proper credits and actually put their character to good use. If enough interest is shown I might even start a group.

I do have a minor (read: pedantic) wording suggestion on Kyanos' profile. You mention that he likes "pretty clothes" and "nice weather" but, with those descriptors being mostly subjective, it doesn't really say much about his tastes. It's a bit like when people say they like good food. Of course they do. They like it, therefore it's good!

It might help paint a better picture of his interests if you were to say something like "silk clothes", "intricate fabrics", or "sunny summer days". This way, it shows what kind of clothes he thinks are pretty, and which kind of weather he thinks is nice.


EDIT: Sorry this isn't really concept criticism, but I tend to notice wording before the big picture.

Those things I put there so people know he is a little vain, but I didn't want to cram in too many unnecessary details... But I get what you're saying, thanks for pointing it out!

His profile makes sense to me! I especially like how you broke it up into easier to digest chunks. I think this concept is actually pretty cool, reminds me a bit of a genie! The only thing I would suggest is maybe a pronunciation chart on the first page for things like Aana, Scea and Earaldine

Hi! I read it over, and I really like the details you put into it. I couldn't find anything on my first read except for a couple things that bothered me, and these things are of the grammar type.

"The morally dubious individuals who were found out was executed, and those who wasn't continued to mine for the soulgems." Those "was" and "wasn't" should be "were" and "weren't". Just an FYI.

Also, on Kyanos' page where you have his dislikes, you say: "Opportunists, shady people, confined, cramped spaces". Either use semi-colons so it reads: "Opportunists; shady people; confined and cramped spaces" or change "confined, cramped spaces" to "confined and cramped spaces." It's a bit too ambiguous otherwise. (Sorry, Computer Scientist here!)

Thanks for pointing out the grammar typos! English actually isn't my first language, so I appreciate it.