Forums » Smalltalk » I Can't Stand my Manipulative Mother

Understandably, no one cares about me at this point. Whatever, I don't care either, just thought I should leave this here to vent.

Basically, my mum is manipulative. She usually tries to guilt-trip me over expressing my emotions and using the same logic I use against me. An example of this would be:

Me: "I'm having a really hard time with you. I honestly think you're disregarding my emotions.

Mum: "I'm working full-time. I have to take care of you, your brother, and the whole house. You're not making it easier for me."

As for using the same logic against me, an example:

Me: "Why must you guilt-trip me?"

Mum a few minutes later: "You're really good at making me feel guilty."

See what I mean? I have to deal with this crap every single day. I'm honestly getting suicidal thoughts. I understand few people will care to read this, but let's face it; who even cares about me at this point? It's just me, and my psychologically disadvantaged mind. *sighs* whatever, what's the point of caring anymore?

Oh my. Well, first of all, read yerr own post a bit there John. Imagine yourself in her shoes. If that IS true what you posted, you need to have a little bit more patience with yerr mum, man. And from my standpoint, it just seems your being a little bit over-dramatic about whatever's going on. Like I said before, imagine yourself in her place. I mean she DOES work full time and such for you guys.

What you need to do is breathe and calm down. And thus think over the situation. Ask yourself questions like "why is this happening?" "who or what caused?" "can I make it stop or somehow better?".

And can you clear a bit up about what exactly is going on?

Just yesterday I stumbled upon this subreddit where people with manipulative/narcissistic parents can talk about their experiences and help each other through their problems. You are absolutely not alone in this problem!

Talk to your friends or teachers if you are able. Perhaps reach out to that site - a lot of the members are older than you and have successfully worked through their tough situation. You can also call 1800 55 1800 if you want some support (I can see you're Australian from your profile. So am I )

I'm kinda scared to go on their, because people suffering like that triggers me. I've just called Kids Helpline, so I guess that helped a bit... Thanks, I guess...

I agree with what Draken is trying to say, you gotta see things from other peoples point of view before doing something, I cant tell you how many times I've misjudged someone and felt horrible about it after thinking on it later.

I'm not saying you are in the wrong however, its easy to feel pressured at times hell you've probably got your own shit to deal with and maybe you could be misreading your Mum because of it. I don't know the details but I'm sure she has her reasons as you have yours.

Well, I suffer from a similar thing. My mother will tell me I should help her out today, and I do. When she leaves I clean the entire house, toilets, to curtains, and I scrub the floors, so I do a lot around the house, heck, I even make dinner. But no matter how hard I try, she always yells at me, telling me I'm being lazy, because when she comes home I'm sitting down for five minutes before doing dishes, and claims that she does everything around the house and how I'm not helping.

If I get a glass of water, and leave the glass on the counter for later use, she screams and says I'm littering the house with the ONE cup I use for two days in a row before getting another one.

Shifting goal posts, really. My parents did similar. It's abuse and there's no way to win; your parent resents you or has ill feelings toward you, or has their own issues that aren't your fault. I know it ain't so easy, but get out asap for your own mental health.

Same goes for John.

It doesn't matter how much some people will come on here to try and reason it - it's not right. There's a power dynamic here, and neither of you will ever win, and, barring long hours of therapy for your parents (if it even works), it will never change. There's nothing either of these two, or anyone in similar situations, can do to resolve them, other than leaving. The power dynamic will always be in favor of the parents, the goal posts will always shift. You can do your best to minimize things and to try not to be noticed (and develop your own coping mechanisms through therapy for yourself - highly recommend, you're going to need it, even if you get out today), but that's certainly not healthy to remain in.

My mother did a lot of that when I lived with her as a kid and teenager. My parents are divorced and I saw the ugly side of both sides when they split up. They've been divorced for well over two decades now.

My dad was always really supportive, but he would get angry sometimes. That's okay, I get angry, too, sometimes. We're only human.

My mother was really manipulative and hated my father after that... or at least that's what she wanted me to believe. I believe now, that she just really hated my step mother because in her mind he 'left my mum for this other woman'.

Growing up like that wasn't easy -- going from house to house on visiting time. Having to get dropped off at a certain location sometimes because my parents did not want to see one another, or because their schedules simply differed from one another.

My mother got sole custody of me for a good majority of my life. She was abusive and resorted to violence when she was angry sometimes. My brother and I made her upset... my brother I can understand since I experienced his own anger first hand, as well as his own selfish tendencies.

But... I got to see how human my mother was despite all the times she would get upset at me for not washing one dish, for not vacuuming when I told her I would that morning. She would cry and sob... and one day, she told me that she felt really guilty for a lot of the stuff that she put my brother and I through a lot of the times, and that she's trying to be a good mother, but she just gets angry and wants to be a better person.

She told me that she has a lot of bills to take care of. To keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, the car gassed and ready to go.

I live on my own with my fiancé. He goes by Netherweave on RPR. We've been living on our own for about six years.

There are times I cried about the same stuff as my mom. I cried about not being able to make enough money to keep the apartment my fiancé and I lived in. I cried about not making enough to be able to buy food for us, and we had to resort to a dollar menu at McDonald's because a bus pass was $5, and that was more than we could spend for a trip when all we had was $10.

I know there are going to be times in the future where I will cry about the same stuff. I will get irritable about the same stuff. Because when you have to worry about a lot of that and it feels like the people in your life aren't understanding your position or wanting to understand it... you get angry.

Please take a moment to consider this.

I understand this must be frustrating for you, but I'd suggest approaching your mum during a moment of quiet and trying to talk it through. Be willing to listen to her side, and she might be more receptive to yours. If not, then you're living in an abusive situation and need to seek help for sure.

It might be difficult seeing from her perspective, as it was for me when I was younger, but from sitting and talking with my own mother I learned this:

When you're a parent, especially a single one, it can be a terrifying existence. Suddenly multiple lives are directly dependent on you, and this pressure combined with working long hours to cover bills, health and food expenses, will strain any person to their limit.

When you're in that fragile mental state, you can lash out at people you love. Sometimes, small details become significant. One dish left unwashed is one extra dish they have to do, and when you've just arrived home from a tiring day at work it can feel like the straw on the camel's back.

This said, if you ever feel your safety is threatened, seek help immediately.

What I'm seeing in these exchanges is just two people trying to tell each other how they feel, but not engaging in a productive conversation to solve the problem. When emotions are high, it's difficult to listen to someone else when your mind is full of your feelings. You're not really able to understand your mom, and she's not able to understand you.

I fully support what rat said: try talking to her about it when you're not in the middle of one of these moments. Try to phrase from the I-perspective and ask questions without blaming her. (Asking her "Why must you guilt-trip me?" is assuming your mom is intentionally malicious - this puts her on the defense immediately and makes her feel bad, and that in turn disables someone from processing and fixing the problem. I can't rephrase this properly without knowing more context, but saying things like "Mom, I know you're not being mean intentionally, but when you say ____ I feel really guilty and bad. What's going on? Can you explain it to me?" allows for non-blaming open dialogue.)

Instead of saying you're having a really hard time with her (implying she as a whole is troublesome), say you're having a hard time with her perceived behavior and actions (implying you don't think less of her as a person, but you're struggling with what's happening right now). Instead of saying you think she's disregarding your emotions, tell her you want to talk to her about how you feel - like "This thing that just happened is really hard for me to process. Can we talk about what's going on?".

Inviting to a conversation is hard, no doubt about it, but assumptions are very dangerous for any relationship. People have a lot of reasons for lashing out, struggling with feelings and the pressure of trying to make a living. It can be hard to make a judgment call on what is abuse or just a human expression of frustration based on a few excerpts out of someone's life, so I'm not going to say it's one or the other. You're living your life, not us, so it's up to you to make that call.

That said, do take a lack of proper communication into account. It's often the number one reason for arguments in a family, and a little bit of effort to *talk* instead of accusing can make all the difference. It's worth giving a shot.

Also echoing rat in that if you feel unsafe, seek help from someone immediately. A school counselor might be a good first place to stop by and ask for advice on how to proceed if you feel unsafe. Best of luck.

Can we please move on? I've sorted most of this out by now.

glad to hear it! if you'd feel more comfortable with this thread being locked or deleted you can ask Kim or one of the mod team, so no more people respond.

This topic being locked by request of the OP.