Forums » Smalltalk » Am I just socially awkward or...

Started randomly wondering this. I'm mildly autistic/aspergers, never been in a relationship, very socially awkward 25 year old virgin. I am interested in relationships and intimacy but I've never even gotten close, might've had little crushes on male friends before but they seemed to be fleeting. I assume I'm demisexual, where you don't feel attracted to someone unless you already have an emotional connection, but I'm wondering if the aspergers has a bigger role. If I wasn't so introverted and stuff, would I be a regular heterosexual female, or not? Anyone with more knowledge of this have an idea?

Well, coming from another socially awkward and introverted 25 year old virgin with Asperger's and in a relationship, it may be the Asperger's here.... Or it may not be. Anyone with it can just as easily have a decent social/love life with some practice, however the difficulties with Asperger's can inhibit social interactions by a lot (especially reading body language). I actually felt the same way you did a long while ago before coming to terms with personally identifying as pansexual and publicly identifying as bisexual (I still kinda question myself a lot to this day, but in terms of gender), so I know how confusing it is to think on. In terms of Asperger's and it affecting the possibility of demisexuality or not? I can't quite answer that, because I don't think I can give you decent advice about something I have little to no experience with aside from having vague demiromantic experiences once in a while that fade before I can explore it.

But if you're interested in romance and intimacy, there's either a chance you're just inexperienced, or there's indeed a chance you may be demisexual. Or it could be something else entirely. Maybe doing some research on demisexuality can help you out? As for the introverted thing, I'm sure people who are extroverted also ask the same sorts of questions as well about their own sexuality. I'm relatively positive that it's not just an introverted thing, but there's always room for error.

All I can say is, think about your experiences with each sex and how you feel about it: do your feelings linger longer with females more than males? Do you have the same sort of feeling with females or nonbinary people as well, or is it just males? Can you imagine yourself being happy with an intimate relationship or do you feel more comfortable thinking about just simple kisses or hugs from those you care about? And after thinking about all this, do the answers make you feel right inside? Or is something still kinda missing?

It's honestly up to you to soul search and figure that out on your own; I can only give tips and advice to aid you on your way. However, you do have support here on RPR from those who share your experiences, those who kinda know where you're coming from, and those who just wanna help in anyway they can because they care about you. If you're still lost, feel free to talk to us! I hope I helped in some way.

First off, I think the vast majority of folks are socially awkward to some degree. Some do have things making it a bit more difficult, though.

Anyway, you seem to be wondering if you feel you are demisexual because you have Aspergers? Well, I'm obviously not an expert, but I'd say: both yes and no.

Not an expert, but an asexual myself, and I've been digging though a lot of information and communities about it since I realized that. Based on what I've seen, the Autism spectrum and the Asexual spectrum do frequently overlap. Those in the Autism spectrum seem to have a higher change of being in the Asexual spectrum as well, and vice versa - but not all of either group falls entirely within the other. It's just a noticeable correlation.

That said, demisexuality, like asexuality, is about a lack of sexual attraction (specifically, demisexuals don't experience primary sexual attraction, but can experience secondary) - which has nothing to do with social skills or introversion at all.

I was more wondering if I didn't have Aspergers would I not be demisexual, but yeah. Thanks guys

I'm certain I'm straight. I have friendships with females but I've only had those fleeting crushes on male friends. Like, my female friend I've had since preschool? No attraction there. Only three fleeting crushes though, one of them is married with a daughter now and I found myself being happy for him more than anything. Another I haven't heard from in years. The third? I go back and forth. I think I have attraction one day, the next I just see him as a friend.

Really though...I'm sure this is common here, but I tend to find fictional characters cuter/more attractive than real people.

I'd wager inexperience and having a different approach to connecting because of your Aspergers is the main culprit at play here. How much you socialize in general can also influence/determine how often an attraction occurs; if you don't go out much and don't meet a lot of new people, it makes sense that the amount of people you've been attracted to also differ. People may also behave differently towards you because of the Aspergers which means a connection isn't so easily formed, and there's not much of a basis to have an attraction towards someone.

There's also the question, is this attraction emotional/romantic or purely sexual? I'm pansexual and I can easily be sexually attracted to pretty much anyone who fits my preferences, but emotional and romantic attraction are something else entirely and take a strong level of friendship and common ground to form. So I might want to hop in the sheets with someone because they're sexually attractive, but that doesn't mean I feel emotionally attracted to them, or have any romantic feelings.

My emotional attraction is also very heavily dependent on whether or not these feelings are reciprocated. I have a really hard time having lasting feelings for women, generally because the attraction is not mutual, and my brain just ends up shutting down the emotions and 'moves on' pretty quickly.

I also think it's common that people are more drawn to fictional characters, but there's also a basis of "It's not real so I have nothing to lose" alongside the "Fictional characters are never truly flawed". They're generally always idealized and don't really reflect the realities of a real relationship/attraction, which is far more personal and out of our control. That said, there IS an area in the asexuality spectrum where people are only sexually attracted to fictional characters. (It's called Autochorissexual - please be advised about potential mature content)

I'm not sure if this was helpful, but these were my two cents.

While others here may put it a lot better than I will, I feel like putting in my own response.

I'm not autistic myself, but myself and my family believe I have Dyspraxia, meaning I'm generally a lot more clumsier than most and lack motor skills. I do feel this affects me overall too, since I also have social anxiety and generally hate being in large crowds.

But I'm like you. I really want to be in a relationship, yet I've never been in one. I'm pansexual, and I'd date almost anyone, despite having preferences for girls mostly.

I also think being a virgin doesn't really matter? Honestly, no one sane would judge you for being a virgin.

Also, being attracted to fictional characters? Not a problem either! Most people I know do, including myself. We as humans tend to find more attractive points in a creation than something that actually exists. Everyone loves to fantasise too! And that's nothing to be ashamed about.

But I'm sure you'll find that someone you love soon. It might not happen straight away, but if you're determined you can do it!

Oh wow, I didn't know that was a thing. The autochorisexual thing. I mean, I didn't know a term for it existed.

I think you hit the nail on the head there...

Well hello there, fellow Aspie. I too am 25 and autistic/asperger's (or aspie, as I like to call it). I can relate to you a great deal, for the most part.

I think, honestly, autistic or not, everybody has the possibility of being socially awkward to any extent- mild or extreme. I will say that for me, I feel that it is a great deal of my autism that holds me back from being a beautiful social butterfly in person, but I'm okay with that. For me and my relationship it was a simple matter of finding somebody as socially awkward as I in our natural environment... World of Warcraft. xD Another Aspie, at that.

I believe everybody has their somebody. Yours doesn't necessarily have to be one as socially awkward as you, but perhaps somebody who can help ease you out of your shell, or perhaps just move in there with you and accept you as you are- whichever you find yourselves happiest.

Bottom line though, I'd have to say that it could be the autism or it could just be your natural personality- it's hard to say. Personally I feel that we don't necessarily need to be labeled with some sort of condition for being socially different from others... it's simply a different way of being. I hope you find some comfort in the responses others have left you here though.

Oof, this topic hit close to home. I've got autism myself and for the longest time I've also been wondering whether it has anything to do with me just not being able to connect people as easily as my friends could. I'm 24 and no longer think I am socially awkward or anything of the like, but these doubts did spook through my head for a good chunk of my 20s as well. I just consider myself very terrible at starting any kind of conversation. It's something I ought to work on, honestly.

In my opinion, the mental illness does play a role in it. At least to a certain degree. There's other factors that may play a part, but I feel like, as Lexi already said, that autism has kept me back somewhat from gathering a large circle of friends and more than just one meaningful relationship. It's a bit of a hurdle, but nothing you can't overcome. Eventually you'll find yourself in a situation where you've been more comfortable than ever before and will be able to lay meaningful connections and start relationships. It's happened to me, and I'm sure you'll find someone as well.

It can feel like the wait is eternal, but in the end it's not really anything you should be ashamed of. Whether you're a virgin, or have a small circle of friends you trust or any other thing that might bother you do not define you as a person. That's still dictated by your actions and who you know you are.

Chin up, frienderino! It'll all fall into place eventually. You're going to look back at this point in life and wonder why you were ever even worried. Thus says Dylan, the soothsayer.