Forums » RP Discussion » Are YOU an RP commitmentphobe?

At the moment, I would say that my most loyal RP partner is definitely my fiancé, haha.

But yes... with the adult life come the adult responsibilities. These days, I just find myself absolutely overwhelmed to doing anything outside of what I do to make money or make myself feel happy. I don't want to stop working to come back to what feels only like more work. This is why I've been pretty withdrawn from going out and deliberately seeking out new RP partners.

One of the things that I've found that helps is treating RP like sessions. I do this with a lot of my text based RPs -- which is pretty much all of them at this point, because I don't actually have too many strictly tabletop / call + virtual tabletop games going on.

These sessions dedicate anywhere between two to four hours to strictly RPing and planning with the partner or partners that one has, and just having fun together.

Other than that, I wouldn't want to call myself a commitmentphobe. When I commit to something, I do my absolute best to do what I can when I can. If I can't, I apologise and attempt to find a middle ground, usually. I feel very privileged to have made friends that understand my personal struggles and how hectic my schedule can be at times.

I do have to find myself in agreement with Claine about the younger audience. The people that I surround myself with in terms of RPing with have all usually been above the age of twenty (there are two people that I can think of that I talk with and RP with that are eighteen and sixteen -- though, the eighteen-year-old is in college and the sixteen-year-old has already started working for herself).

Other than that, I have been known to have a hard edge to whenever I interact with people that want me to do things I'm just not mentally or emotionally wanting to do. I do believe it is important to be nice to those that you have no qualms with, though I do still think that it is important to do things for yourself and keep yourself sane and happy, haha.

THIS SO HARD.

This is by far the most frustrating thing for me - wayyyy more than flakey RP partners.
I left the cliquey crap in high school 10 years ago, I don't want it anywhere near my RP.
And yet, I find it everywhere. A lot of it is because of the synergy certain groups have and I can totally understand that. Some people just mesh perfectly and you don't want to disrupt that. I just wish groups like that would kindly warn people about that, you know? Like "Hey, we've been RPing as a group for x amount of time so apologies in advance if we seem a little inclusive sometimes!" rather than inviting you in and then utterly ignoring you every single time you RP with them. I've been in that position far too many times and it is highly unpleasant. There is definitely a big difference in people trying to adjust to a newbie in the group vs. the group simply doesn't want them there but no one has the guts to say so. I'd rather get my feelings hurt a little once by saying I'm not a good fit than over and over again every time i'm ignored.

After my last bout of that, I swore off group RP. Be it me going into a group or starting one of my own. I just didn't want that atmosphere anymore. Thankfully once I joined up with my current guild, they broke me of that because group RP is like the lifeblood of that place and it's so much different than other places I've been before. Yeah, there are still some small cliques but most of those do their plots privately while group RPs tend to be more public, inviting anyone at all to join in.
So, yeah, that can definitely be a huge contributor to lack of commitment.


On the other hand, while I'm in no way afraid of/avoid commitment, I have some higher than average standards for my long term RP. That, unfortunately, limits the already severely limited pool
As I like to tell people I've been doing this for over half of my life (and with Furcadia the same amount), the only time I ever won't want to RP is when I'm dead.

That's why I have a strong preference for playing with others who are just as old as me if not older nowadays: sure there's a bad apple or two, but I feel they're a bit more understanding about life issues cropping up than younger players who only have to focus on school. It also stems from prior bad experience in RPing with a small group of people who were all 14-16 years old with only two other people my age there. I'm not saying all players in that age group or younger are like that and there are some mature young players that I've RPed with and immature older players. For example, someone I used to be friends with and was two years younger than me acted worse than some of the younger ones in our RP group and still does the last time I talked to them. However, I'm just more used to playing with older adults like myself now; I don't think I have the patience or energy to keep up with younger RPers, so I'd rather spare the talented ones to someone that can keep up with them.

This. Doubly so since I have my drops in mood and motivation to post anything. Seeing things like this on potential partners' ads and RP profiles irk me to no end; I actively avoid people who require me to post more than once a day or say things like 'I'll block you if you drop without letting me know beforehand.' (So I should let you know when I break something and end up being rushed to the infirmary beforehand?) In my opinion, and I hate being blunt, but it reeks of self-entitlement when people expect you to post multiple times every single day when at any moment you could be hospitalized and unable to contact them for weeks, or the power goes out without warning for a few days. Life happens, and it's not under their control or my own if my phone cuts off at the same time the electricity in my place goes out for a week during a tornado warning.

I personally don't think I'm a commitmentphobe: like I said, I believe my career is only truly starting from my old chat room days that lasted two to three years at most and voice RPs with an ex-friend. And like Jay, once I've found a great RP, I am hooked and committed until the fire dims out on both ends or they don't want me anymore; if it's me who has to quit, it scares me to say something at first ("Will they yell at me for quitting," etc.), but ultimately I find the strength to speak up when I'm not busy and I know nothing's gonna take my attention away instead of dropping without a word. But since I'm getting older, I am getting wiser of what to ask for in a partner, including being patient when I don't feel up to snuff or life kicks down my door and lights me on fire. Thus I also have a few standards in place. The people who bite and stick with me through it all are the ones I adore the most and can't get over.

This here is an issue I've faced a lot. I mentioned earlier that I have a ton of other commitments and I'm also chronically ill (which is incurable but manageable most of the time), so when people try and force some sort of roleplay out of you it's so damaging to your muse not only for that character, but for roleplay as a whole.

I understand that frequently connecting your characters is important, especially to links that are important to your character (ie; partner, ect.) but attempting to shoe horn someone into a roleplay when they're tired or simply don't have the muse to play at the moment is an effective way to destroy that relationship/roleplay.

I think Sheograth made an excellent point about instant gratification; people want their conclusions NOW, with no built up or multiple layers of plotting to get their character(s) to a certain point. Maybe that works for some people, but often it ends up boring and falling apart. Personally I like the build up better than the final conclusions, but there are a lot of people who aren't patient enough to wait or simply don't want to. Different strokes for different folks.

Sorry if I have weird typos or repeat what others have said, Im on my phone 😁 I'll go in and edit later!


I am a commitmentphobe.
I'm terrified of putting myself out there, terrified of starting plots with people I don't know. I'm scared to do public rp in the guild I'm.

Why?

I'm scared of being rejected. It has happened over and over again.
I don't make the most interesting kind of characters. Thats ok. I make characters I enjoy playing, that I see potential in. But people don'y always seem to care as much as I do about their potential.
Or maybe it's because I don't rp certain things such as fights or violence. I like IC drama like most, but I prefer fluff and chances of grand adventures.
I don't need a designated bad guy to ruin the day.
I'm certainly willing though. Either on screen or offscreen if given the chance.

But I rarely do.

In the guild I'm in, we do open rps daily. And out of the few times Ive joined, I have found myself ignored often. Accidentially I'm sure, but that feeling sit in you.

Another time I boldly tried to reach out to a new person about rp, but was ignored.

And. I get it. As I said, my characters are probably more boring and normal vs fanciful and exciting. Random meet and greet rps arent my strongside but I try my best!
I'm also a bit slow poster - Im easily distracted, English is my second language and I work full time. I'm depressed and my energy level varies alot.

I talk myself down a bit now, I know I have characters that are exciting. But its hard. Especially with my depression, it doesnt even have to be intentional, but rejection and being ignored feels horrible and ruins my muse for days after.

Over the last 3 years, I've tried various plots to bring _my characters_ up and give them chance of development, but somehow nearly always end up as second fiddle and supporting character.
This. Together with being ignored has lead me into being a commitmentphobe.

That said, I embrace new people and I love rping. I'm just scared to approach, and terrified of starting long term with people I don't know.

This. This so hard. I was having a hard time figuring out how to word this point in my last post, but you've got it down perfectly. It comes right down to communication and honesty rather than being tugged along.

It's a vicious cycle, unfortunately. For instance, I've become more withdrawn and picky with who I RP with because of these sort of experiences, and I'm afraid others I'm not on more familiar terms are likely to perceive me and my little pocket of friends as a clique.

Have I been having a hard time letting go? Yeah. It's probably not healthy of me to hold on (especially that it IS just a game and online at the end of the day) but like many others have said, having these experiences can be a bit of a blow to the confidence. 'Am I good enough?' 'Is my writing that bad?' 'Is it me as a person they don't like?' 'Are my characters really not that interesting?'

I'm fortunate enough to have a couple of friends who tolerate my nonsense and RPs.

This thread has definitely had my gears turning in my head. While it's a challenging thread for me personally - Simply because I don't like to be withdrawn and hold back most often, and I generally don't like to expose how I'm really feeling or what I'm really thinking- it has certainly helped.

Long story short; if I know the person OOCly, I'm more likely commit to plots with them. If I don't, however, I'm more hesitant to commit with long-term I suppose.

The key in any enjoyable plot experience however is communication and honesty. Only then can both people know that both (or more) parties are headed in the right direction.

This almost makes me wonder if we can't get a mostly-functional RP tinder app with an algorithm instead of just randomizing searches for characters/partners. "This player is also a paragraph RPer who likes post-apocalyptic, sci-fi, and fantasy plots. They are available to RP once in a blue moon."


I'm going to be replying more specifically throughout the day and after work. But keep up the input, it's very interesting.

With due thank yous to Ghostiel and Bishop, I'd like to respond in a disheveled heap to this post because it draws on the resolutions I wrote down lately: create, write, explore. (And, as with every year, patience, kindness, generosity, and, as always, action in good faith.)

As well as hurdles I'm facing.

Not to be over-emosh, there's a deep unsettling ennui and dispassion in me that's got me gripped by the core, you could say it owes it's strength to a busy life beyond the keyboard in a Kingdom over the hill and far, far away. Perhaps even someone online who couldn't understand my boundaries or meet the same level of communication.

Ultimately I'd say it owes it unshakable hold to me.

I, and I alone, am responsible for the choices I've made that has muted the inner-voices of my characters. I chose to work the long hours to provide for my family and knackering myself beyond tired. I chose to spend more time away from the keyboard, to experience life without abandon (I'm doing a great job btw!)

If you think of life as an arcade and you get twenty-four dollars a day to spend in it: the work machine alone takes $12 and leaves you with another $12. Sleep takes another $7 (if you're lucky). You have $5 left to spend on food, travel and self maintenance. That leaves very little money for hobbies and writing.

(esp. if you're like me and fret a lot about post quality and take hours to write a single post)

These choices are a necessity to me, for my family, I'm so busy chasing after my dreams and responsibilities that my writing and energy can't keep up. I often find myself utterly bereft of time for cleaning, socialising, and sometimes even sleeping -- never mind writing, never mind disappointing people by being mysteriously aloof and unresponsive for weeks at a time (yes, I'm that guy).

Like all choices, I've made another though: to, at the very least, try. to be better. to stop being so harsh on myself when I write and take more pride in what I do, what I create, to share it and discuss it more. Self-actualisation and recognising your own shortcoming's can be a powerful way to encourage and cultivate yourself in a healthy way, and with help and support I can come back into doing what I love. I really miss writing like an old friend.

And though I may only be taking little steps, I'll never be shy of investing in my creations -- whether through snippets of meta, brilliant illustrations, short dribble. I'm proud of them, they are my creations, a small, whimsical manifestation of collective experiences, feelings and aesthetics that I have held close to my heart and nourished into their own. They're responsible for the meaningful connections I have with people, for the times I've smiled, laughed and even cried. They're as close to an abstract autobiography as you'll get because they come from intimate feelings, thoughts and ideas. I'm proud of how they've grown, especially with how others have both imprinted on them and me as a person. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Oh lort this.

I am caught in the middle honestly - between being a phobe and not being one.

I struggle to keep a balance in my life. My muse is fickle lately due to major changes occurring in my life. Couple that with the fact that many of these changes take up my time (on top of destroying my muse) and it leaves me in a precarious state of not wanting to commit to anything but also wanting to build on my character because it helps me cope.

I recently got married (literally 2 days ago), and my now-husband is leaving for the Navy sometime in the next month - so (hopefully understandably) most of my time is taken up being with him and our 5 year old daughter (who, along with my dog, takes up a significant portion of time/energy). Couple this with the fact that I'm a full-time forensics student and it's a recipe for disaster where finding rp-partners is concerned. I often find that even those outside of the near-exclusive cliques aren't much interested in rping with me because my schedule is uneven and never consistent week to week (or even day to day).

Mental illness often keeps me away for prolonged periods, and while I have been lucky to find a small group who have been patient with me bouts of disappearing more often than not people just become irritated.

Getting into streaming, on top of all of my other obligations, probably doesn't help my schedule at all either but ya know.

there are already some of these options in the More Options part of the Find RP tool, but i do feel they could be expanded on and made more visible, because it took me a while to notice them myself. patience and flexibility are just as important as preferred genres to me when it comes to seeking a RP partner.

RP Finder searches skew slightly toward showing people who are in the same average post length category as you (we calculate this automatically)

Expanding the intelligence of the RP Finder's offerings is a major goal of mine.

That's the bees knees. Do you think it would be possible to make some sort of anonymous way for players to select characters they're interested in, and only inform players if there's mutual interest? I've noticed a few folks mention mental illness and anxiety being a limiting factor with reaching out, it would be cool to introduce a low-pressure icebreaker.

I'm still incredibly excited to see the development of the search function.


Age and lifestyle definitely appear to be a major factor. One of the folks I discussed this phenomenon with independently manages her family's contractor business along with tending to her portfolio as a professional artist. Frequently she was pressured to RP by folks with normal 9-5 employment or university students who didn't understand the importance of being a small business owner. Eventually she just stopped logging into the client because it wasn't worth it to have people up her sphincter when she was trying to put food on the table of multiple families and file all their insurance plans with total liability weighing on her shoulders 24/7.

I'd definitely agree with and empathize with those feelings. Finding people who say they understand is one thing, but finding folks who really do is another ballgame entirely. Age really helps narrow the field to players who either have first hand experience, have come close, or know more people in the same boat. It's not a catch-all and I've seen young folks with a great deal of empathy and alternatively people in their 20s and 30s with fewer responsibilities who can log several hours into a game and can't relate.


Congrats on the nuptuals! And good luck with school. Always great to see lady STEM majors around.

Personally I've found it near impossible to break into cliques or even do group rps for the same reason. It's difficult to join a plot and tell people, "oh by the way I'm going to be gone or out of my mind for two weeks because something happened at school/at work/to my child." And hold up four other folks. So I can see why they're wary of the busy folk. You're not alone.

Am I a commitmentphobe? Yeah, I'd say I am a bit. Part of it is just my general shyness, of course. I still find it so hard to talk to people out of nowhere, even with people that I have RPed with before. And even with the RP groups that I am part of, I do sometimes feel like an outsider. That's a pretty hard feeling to overcome for me, personally.

And yes, there is just the problem of not having enough time. Clearly, I'm not the only one who's had less and less time for RP as the years have gone by and I've taken on more and more work. Real life has to come first, after all, as much as I would like to spend my time roleplaying.

I think a big problem for a lot of people is that sometimes, you just don't click. Finding someone who's writing really meshes with yours can be difficult. And sometimes you think it's working and they don't. It's more of a communication problem, I think. When people die off on me, I don't think it's because they're being rude and I definitely don't do it to be rude. I think sometimes people just worry that voicing these things- that it doesn't feel like it's working, that you aren't as excited for this as you thought you were, that your styles aren't compatible- makes people feel like they're insulting/hurting their rp partner. It's not even that. Like, go ahead and tell me we're not working. I've been TRYING to make sure I do the same for people too, by using this mindset. I'm not afraid to commit to roleplay- my best friend and I have storylines that are YEARS old that we're still active on- it's just sometimes difficult to go into a roleplay with high expectations on both sides and to realize it's not working out.

I relate to this so much. I always feel the Most Annoying Person Ever, especially when I take a small break due to being busy or just emotionally distracted. I am almost always too shy to ask for role play, and then get heartbroken that I have no role play, then slip into a emotionally uncomfortable place where I can't even post. It's a vicious, self-harming cycle I have going here. T.T
I have so many ideas and things I'd love to try out, and I'm so open to anything... just so afraid to put it out there x.x

I wouldn't say I'm precisely a commitmentphobe, but instead I'm someone edging on 30 with more free time than others in my age group. I'm also pretty choosy about the kind of people I'll play with and the types of characters and plots that interest me which does me absolutely no favours. That said, I become a level 5 clinger when I do find someone I write well with which results in frustration on both our parts because they never have as much time as I do. They have actual careers on top of real life social lives, some of them kids, and the fact is roleplay is on the very bottom of the To Do List for them whereas I have regular 8-10 hour work days with no children or other responsibilities afterward.

I know for a fact I've been unfair with some of my partners in regard to the lack of attention from them. It's not their fault. I stopped logging onto Furcadia in any real capacity around 2 years ago and since then my drive to roleplay has steadily waned. I still have an intense creative drive, but I channel it into personal world building projects because I've given up on finding steady RP. It's not worth the hunt nor the creative blue balls. I seldom use RPR anymore as well.

For what it's worth, I have moments too where I just can't post. I work long hours also and have family commitments that don't let me sit at my computer like I could when I was 18, unattached, and had all the time in the world.

So, if you ever wanted an RP with a very casually paced person, I'd be happy to give it a shot. I don't get upset if replies are slow so long as it's not waiting five weeks for a one-liner .

Definitely.
Writing for me is enjoyable, but it's a process I have to drag myself through. My writing is slow (especially since my prefered method is long form. Very long form). When I have free time, writing can feel like much more of an investment than other hobbies I might want to do - if I have a day to myself, generally it's a choice of writing a post when I could use that same time to say, draw some personal work, play a couple of hours of games and maybe do a little housework. Which can seem like a waste, since personal art would be helping develop professional work and gaming for me is generally actively socialising. Committing too much time to writing is something that can really make me feel guilty - especially since I work freelance currently, where all time spent doing personal work makes me feel guilty generally.

I'd love to branch out, but I've looked at groups and immediately balked because there's no way I can commit the sort of time and energy as other people. I know in those sort of environments it does mean I'd get left behind pretty quickly.

I can get why people would be upset at others being flaky, but spending that much time and energy is a big deal for me.
Awhile ago now I split with the main partner I'd been RPing with for something crazy like 5 years. Honestly? In that time I had one main character who I threw so much into developing. It's been about a year since I've RPed, and the idea of committing that much time and energy into not only RP itself, but developing new characters and worlds and, lets be real, new relationships is pretty daunting.

In terms of RP partnerships - I think like any other relationship, there needs to be communication and those involved have to be on the same page. The past several years I've RPed purely with people I have established friendships with (feeding into the clique commentary already discussed). As you've pointed out they're all closer to my age, either at uni or working post uni, so often are in the same boat in terms of limited time. People who understand time and effort restraints (physical and mental problems can mean it's a challenge to even do things I enjoy!) and who are also casual about RPing.
Let's fund RP tinder.

My problem with finding partners is that I am so stupidly picky! That comes to both characters and plots. If I was to look at a random character list page in the characters section, there will maybe be 2 at max that interest me.

I am also highly judgmental when it comes to profiles as to me: Long detailed profile=likely long high quality posts=happy Katia. On the other hand, sparse profile=short posts=bored Katia. I'm not saying that this is true 100% of the time, but this has proven to be pretty accurate for me. Also I'm not trying to sound elitist with the post length, it's just that I do quickly lose interest and thus become bored when presented with short posts.

That being said when I do see a character/plot that interests me. I can be very flexible to modifying my existing characters to even potentially making one custom made for just that situation, tho the later can be dependent on my mood and how much I have been burned doing that recently.

I think part of the issue at hand is pointing fingers. We want to see someone who shares coinciding interests with us. We want to impress ourselves upon other people and have them accept us and perhaps maybe even go further. I think that adopting a mindset that we will never be able to find that perfect other person is wise, since you'd only be looking for a mirror.

Of course, perhaps there may be that one special role player who just so happens to lock in with you. But let's be real, the chances of finding that person is unbelievably slim. We all probably had different factors influencing our lifestyles and values, and we shouldn't try to push these upon other people and force them to feel an obligation to us. What are we, the Spanish Inquisition? No, we are just some people exploiting the internet for what it's worth.

Commitment is hard to find, especially on something so familiar yet foreign at the same time like the internet. If you want commitment you need to trust that the person may be engaged with something else that is higher up on their list of priorities than roleplaying.

I can't even begin to express how many times my roleplays have been left unanswered for months, only to find that something happened to my partner in real life. It'll happen to us as well eventually. I think that someone before wrote that life is cruel or something along those lines. It's true, through and through. If life was fair we would never have to work, be always happy, and even find that special partner (for roleplaying).

To wrap this up, perhaps what you're seeking is writing a novel yourself. Roleplay is like a collaborative writing process. You need to work with the other person and have them do unto you. This means that you'll have to concede that there will be bumps along the road. Maybe that's for the better. I certainly wouldn't be able to bear dealing with a bunch of me's, otherwise I'd know exactly what was going to happen next and roleplaying wouldn't be as exciting anymore.

Commitment is hard, but I think adopting a policy of "blind faith" and sticking to it no matter what is what we need to do.