Forums » RP Discussion » Your OCs as The Onion headlines

As you may or may not know, The Onion is a satirical news website, and I've found this exercise produces interesting results, lmao. You might have to dig around the internet a bit for older headlines.

Edit: just for clarification because some folks have asked, the challenge is to search around for an actual Onion headline that you feel relates to or describes your character in some way, though feel free to make up headlines if you can't find anything.


I'll start:

Mallory- "Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Screw Up Every Time"

Cerin- "God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: ‘No,’ Says God"

Finch- "CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years"

Kross- "Typo In Proposition 8 Defines Marriage As Between ‘One Man And One Wolfman’"


So...yeah. Go for it.

Literally all of them:



No but probably it would be pretty much something like this:

Elijah: "Gay Teen Worried He May Be Christian."

Santiago: "Man Forced To Come Up With 45 Seconds Of Facial Expressions While Waitress Lists Off Specials."

Lautaro: "Zombie Nutritionist Recommends ‘All-Brain’ Diet
."

Josuke: "Area Stoner Has Mind-Blowing, Out-Of Cheetos Experience"

Edit just bc I found two for the ones I have made up xD

Dorax: No Way Old Man In Park Not Thinking About Dead Wife

Hors: Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library

Islington: CIA's 'Facebook' Program Dramatically Cut Agency's Costs

Grymoire: Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday

Raphah: College Professor Reminds Students It Will Take A Few Classes To Memorize Everyone’s Triggers

Gathero: America's Cowboys Suffering From Restless Heart Syndrome

Hara: Man Who Though He'd lost All Hope Loses Additional Hope He Didn't Know He had.

Eolivas: Mitch Mconnell Inflates Throat Pouch in Show of Dominance over Fellow Congressional Males. Or-
Lack of Sexual Tension With Co-worker Almost Unbearable.

Ethelian: Study Reveals Babies Are Stupid

Adam: Bull hybrids found. Most hate red. Not a big surprise.

Jaejin: BREAKING NEWS. Some Japanese family killed. Survivor become ninja Batman.

hahaha! bless this thread and everyone in it. this is such a fun idea!

Stray: Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

or

Dog Humiliated In Front Of Entire Park

The mortifying scene, which included several heated utterances of "bad dog" and "very bad dog," lasted nearly 20 seconds, according to reports.

This may be the best thread ever.

Bender of Iron Will: Old Man Yells At Cloud.

Aearion: Member Of The Blue Man Group Loses Singing Competition To Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Myron: "We Are A Proud People, Treat Us As Such" Demands Tiny Midget Loser.

Hava'lera the Hushed: Local Man Can No Longer Voice His Shitty Opinions.

Throthgar the Pretty: Man In Drag Murders Millions In A Blood Fueled Cleaning Session.

Mauricio - Strange violent priest arrested for wearing no pants.

Thousand - Massive tax fraud uncovered. Blue-haired quill-merchant grew his own quills all along.

Flavio - Self-proclaimed Sharpshooting Pirate discovered using illegal aim-assist mod.

Anhuret - McDonald’s Reintroduces Hamburgler As Attractive Suburban Dad

Daxx - Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure

Creep - Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better

Noire - Study: Majority Of Frontal Lobe Occupied By Thoughts Of Sausage Links

Tommy - Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

Zero - That Sucker Jesus Has Forgiven Me For Some Pretty Bad Sins // No Prison Can Hold Me, As Long As I Have My Imagination

I love this. These headlines are gold.

Cavalfer - "Nation’s Optimists Need To Shut The **** Up Right Now"

Florien - "Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes"

Rolang - "Whales Beach Selves In Attempt To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge'"

West - Child Soldier Promoted To Child Private 1st Class

Sumaire - Area Man A Walking Encyclopedia Of Everything Except Leading A Normal Life

Nero - Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension

Tsane - Reality Slowly Sinks In

Roxie- 'Idiot Sphinx manages to screw up the Wood Chuck riddle'

Irradiated Imp- 'Alien Radio show Host kills dozens at a dinner party with a nuclear burp'

Sir Fawkes of Britain- 'Angry British Zombie doesn't know how to eat tacos.'

Raine: Woman challenges Gods to arm wrestling match. The ending might SHOCK you

Eruthia: Blind woman adopts pet, names it mittens despite not knowing its a pure black cat

Zayne: Crazy king promotes new lead plates and cutlery to promote trade

Qunarei: Local pyromancer has bad dream in hay barn.

Secondhand smoke linked to secondhand coolness.

These are all very wonderful headlines and are very amusing!

Crow--"Young woman who carries magical weapon and dark magic wishes to learn/research how to kill other mages. Over-thinks everything."

Dog--"High-intelligence doesn't lead to well-being, planning, or appropriate social behavior; new study!"

Frog--"Master chess-player invests fortune in human pawns and black bath bombs. Says she loves that new Gothic look."

Chris--"Pokemon-humanitarian, that confuses Pokemon battle terms for fisticuffs, punches Youngster Joey. Says he weirdly asked to do battle."

Olivia the Pomp--"Lady peasant trades soul for perfect hair."

Woah, this thread looks fun! Anyways, sound like something he'd end up doing

Kyle: "Man Uses Spork as Knife."

"Astronomers Discover Previously Unknown Cluster Of Nothingness In Deep Space" (best one I could find in this regard, not most accurate sadly)

"Connecticut Man Visited By Being From Another Time Zone"

"I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions"

I don't know how to be funny but I'll try anyway .-.

Notebook - "Local Streaker Says She "Just Got Lost On The Giant Litterbox"." or, alternatively, "Crazy Cat Lady Has New Definition As Debate Rages On The Topic of "Reverse Beastiality"."
Saradonyx - "You Don't Need to Do Drugs or Potions to Be Strong Or Cool, But Do It Just to Be Safe."
Vince - "Dragonfly Man Decendent of ACTUAL Dragon, Proof In Article."