Forums » Art & Creativity » Story excerpts are 'creativity', right?

-- Art and creativity. To me that strikes me to include writing. I've recently retired from text-based roleplay after an incident (not the reason, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back), but as I still do tabletop and writing, I thought I'd share some writing I'm working on that includes some characters I have played.

This is sort of the opening to a story, and before you read it, please note that the story is one of those told a bit out of order. This means that some context will be missing till I finish it and add on other parts of the storyline. This is also a completely raw first draft, meaning even wording could be subject to change. It starts with the captivity of a wizard by the name of Carter Wishweather, and for the first time ever, I'm actually intent on FINISHING this story entirely. The opening seems a bit lacking in the attention-grabbing field and quite awful as it just starts off with a character, but it can be fixed later. Personally I think the thing I really like it is how Wishweather is so alive in the introduction. Setting and other things (steampunk fantasy for basis) will be established quite in depth after this little prologue bit, but I honestly just want opinions on how this stands alone.

Here it is:




Wishweather seemed to be staring at the wall intently. Being tied up to a slab of wood without his wooden leg and pointy hat gave him time to think about things. Mostly about the wall. He'd thought everything else about the situation out already and he didn't like it. It wasn't wizardly at all. Being the eccentric intellectual he was, he figured now was as good a time as any to ponder the wall's place in the universe.

He'd looked better. He was wearing nothing more then a swampy green robe decorated with swirls and boots to match. They looked awful, but nothing was worse to him then the lack of hat. The man's curly brown hair was showing, and their was an evident bald spot that shined in the particularly lighting of this room. It wasn't much to look at. His face was extremely pale just like the rest of him and it was also extremely flat. If one looked at Wishweather, they could say he almost had no face at all. The structure was bland, his nose was small, his lips were thin, and his eyes were tiny, as if his face just wanted to shrink out of existence and turn into a piece of paper.

The room wasn't a particularly interesting one. It looked like a sodomy cell and lacked an oceanfront view with a window. It was small, and the walls were made of black stone. It was not a place most would want to take a vacation.

The sound of splintering wood echoed through the room as a thick door was kicked open.

"Wizard!" Wishweather had seen the source of this voice before when the mess began. It was the captor again.

"Evening Mr. Scarstorm! That was your name, right?" His expression was a puzzled one, thinking back to the kidnappers introduction as if we wasn't sure of his own memory. "I assume now is not the time you're going to let me go?" He sounded quite chipper for a captive.

"It's Kinzor Scarstorm. Now how about you shut up for a moment and let me tell you why you're here." The captor was a much larger human made out of muscle and topped off with long black hair. He did a fairly good job of looking intimidating without trying, but when he actually trying he usually went overboard. He narrowed his eyes, sharp as daggers. The brute seemed to be fiddling with a linen case, drawing a cigarette from the confines and giving it a light. The man would take a long drag, staring Wishweather down.

Wishweather blinked, thinking on his response for a moment. He'd pick his words carefully, as he was dreadfully aware that this was the kind of man who could beat twenty colors of blood out of a stick like him. He wasn't very good in talking like a 'normal person', but he'd give it a go.

"Obviously you want to know something I know. As a wizard, I know a lot of things. If you want, I can tell you my theory on the wall's place in the universe. Or if you have something in specific, we could discuss it over one of your cigarettes. I'm in dreadful need of a smoke."

The captor's eyes narrowed even further, now becoming as thin and sharp as needles. "You're insane, aren't you?"

The wizard looked outright offended. "No. I'm Carter Wishweather, wizard. And I'd prefer you treat me as such. Where is my hat?"

Kinzor looked irritatingly bewildered and then just exhaled a plume of smoke from flared nostrils with a sigh. He looked over his shoulder into the darkness, calling out. "Untie him, he's harmless. Just nuts."

A young human girl stepped from the darkness. She looked no older then sixteen and to be some kind of rough and tumble alley kid at a first glance. Her head was decorated by curly red hair that looked far more like a tangled mop then hair itself. If not for the effeminate face, one could have easily mistaken the female for a man.

She was holding a knife, and making a beeline straight for Wishweather. The knife was brought to the ropes and cut straight through them to unbind the wizard. Wishweather fell flat on his face to the floor beneath him.

"...That hurt." The wizard finally spoke up, talking to the floor. He used his hands to set himself upright, seeing as he couldn't stand without his wooden leg. He held out a hand. "My hat?" One thing was clear: Wishweather wanted his wizarding hat. It was, after all, very important. To him, anyways.

The captor; however, had had enough. The burly man drew a firearm and jammed it in the face of the wizard. It was a clunky silver six-shooter, obviously well made, and could easily get a job done. Kinzor came off stern and impatient, as if he just wanted to get a word in edgewise.

The wizard took on an expression that lacked fear, but showed he understood the gravity of the situation, and he certainly wasn't happy with it. Nevertheless, Wishweather's mind wasn't sure he understood what he thought he did, and so he had to double check, clearing his throat and offering an awkward smile.

"...That's a gun, right?"

EDIT: I'm well aware of all grammatical errors and the like. This is a first draft and I'm more looking for stortyelling and writing style opinions.";

Writing absolutely counts! I love the name Wishweather. In the first sentence, I thought he'd be a very odd pirate, but then he was a wizard.

Since you asked for writing style opinions: This is a first draft so I don't know whether to mention it, but I figure I will because I myself need to be reminded of it constantly when editing. And what I'm mentioning is over-explaining or using extra words. It's very easy to muddle people up and make them stumble on extra words. Be severe when cutting, and make sure you aren't repeating anything. For example:

I bolded the excess part. It IS clear that he wants his hat because he just asked for it. It's also clear that it is important to him, since it is the first thing he asks despite being kidnapped and under threat. It actually lessens the impact when it's overexplained.

The other thing I noticed is a tendency to weaken the prose with words like "seems" or "would."

For example:

"Seemed" is only useful when describing something from a character's perspective. There is no one else in the cell to guess whether or not he is staring a the wall intently. Using the word adds many levels of confusion as to why the author is uncertain what the characters are doing, and made me wonder if the story was told from a character's perspective. However, in the next sentence you switch back to the omnipotent god-author perspective by telling us what he is doing directly, without guessing about it. By a similar token the word "would" is confusing and reduces the impact of otherwise very engaging prose. Either the character did or didn't, does or doesn't. Unless some other character is describing what he guesses the first character would do in the future, it's a serious speed bump for reading.

I really hope you continue working on this, you've got a very strong start and my comments, though intended to be helpful, are nitpicky for a first draft.

EDIT: One final critique! I was really confused by this:

It actually took me several paragraphs to figure out that Wishweather wasn't the one who shouted out "wizard!", because his name is the first thing after the quotes. Can I suggest something more like:

Hope this helps! Editing your own work is so hard.

Seemed is something I always used as a roleplayer, so it was usually used from perspective. I agree I have a problem with it, and I've been trying to catch myself.

This is a completely raw, unaltered first draft, but I don't mind the extra criticism. As a writer, I'm never going to like anything I write (very much) anyways. An important question is would you read more if you didn't feel obligated. That's what I meant by asking for an opinion in method of storytelling. That and opinions on the characters first impressions. My writing style is awful, and I'm well aware. I need to work on those things you pointed out quite a bit.

EDIT: That last part in your edit is typos and a big screwup. I just noticed it and started laughing. I was repeating myself and such.