Sorry for what is going to be a gloomy post. My support network has gotten scattered and I'm lost as to where to search for venting space and the positive interaction I need.
TL:DR: agender disabled young adult needs comfort in knowing that people are not all toxic and that having mental/physical health issues does not make them lesser.
I have been struggling for a few years now with Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Disassociative Depression, Anxiety and various subsequent health issues and have come to realize that my living situation worsens my health further.
A little over a month ago my sister which whom (who?) I live with caused a panic attack which included visual and audible distortions (also read as: hallucinations). Although she is one of the longest standing and most heavily relied on support I've had, I've come to realize thats she is quite possibly the most horribly toxic person I have ever had in my life.
I currently "live" with 11 other people who are family (biological and the toxic people they bring in and claim as family) in a four bedroom split-level house four miles away from even a bus stop. In the past three months I have been staying with friends and my partner (romantic interest) as much as possible only ever heading back for appointments and to grab clothes. I get about halfway down our 1/4 mile driveway before the panic attack sets in and within an hour on the property my disassociative depression kicks in as a defence mechanism.
Currently I am in the process of applying for SSI (I had to step away from writing this for a phone interview with them), but I am scared that I will never get approved. I was fired from my last job during the probationary period due to a hospital stay where I had been stress puking for three days unable to even hydrate. I am mentally and physically unable to work and I am absolutely terrified that I will never be able to support myself and/or live in an environment that doesn't feel like it's slowly killing me.
My friend has offered to let me come live with her if I can find a way to neutralize the expense of my addition to the household but the uncertainty of any source of income leaves me in a horrifying limbo.
I've been trying to use art and writing as a mental escape but the mental fog that my health causes has limited my ability to maintain anything substantial.
I'm scared. I'm lonely. And I don't know what to do.
Again sorry for the long gloomy post and if you read this... Even for that, thank you.
El,
They/them pronouns and gender neutral coding (word choice/language) please.
TL:DR: agender disabled young adult needs comfort in knowing that people are not all toxic and that having mental/physical health issues does not make them lesser.
I have been struggling for a few years now with Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Disassociative Depression, Anxiety and various subsequent health issues and have come to realize that my living situation worsens my health further.
A little over a month ago my sister which whom (who?) I live with caused a panic attack which included visual and audible distortions (also read as: hallucinations). Although she is one of the longest standing and most heavily relied on support I've had, I've come to realize thats she is quite possibly the most horribly toxic person I have ever had in my life.
I currently "live" with 11 other people who are family (biological and the toxic people they bring in and claim as family) in a four bedroom split-level house four miles away from even a bus stop. In the past three months I have been staying with friends and my partner (romantic interest) as much as possible only ever heading back for appointments and to grab clothes. I get about halfway down our 1/4 mile driveway before the panic attack sets in and within an hour on the property my disassociative depression kicks in as a defence mechanism.
Currently I am in the process of applying for SSI (I had to step away from writing this for a phone interview with them), but I am scared that I will never get approved. I was fired from my last job during the probationary period due to a hospital stay where I had been stress puking for three days unable to even hydrate. I am mentally and physically unable to work and I am absolutely terrified that I will never be able to support myself and/or live in an environment that doesn't feel like it's slowly killing me.
My friend has offered to let me come live with her if I can find a way to neutralize the expense of my addition to the household but the uncertainty of any source of income leaves me in a horrifying limbo.
I've been trying to use art and writing as a mental escape but the mental fog that my health causes has limited my ability to maintain anything substantial.
I'm scared. I'm lonely. And I don't know what to do.
Again sorry for the long gloomy post and if you read this... Even for that, thank you.
El,
They/them pronouns and gender neutral coding (word choice/language) please.
*offers so much hugs*
Fortunately, folks here are, indeed, generally pretty awesome and supportive. There are a handful of publicly taboo topics (for example, posts about subjects like suicide get removed, and poster will be sent hotlines and such instead, I believe), but no one is going to attack you for going through crap. (If they do, definitely report it, even if you don't feel up to explaining the problem at the time. Stuff like that is not accepted here.)
For a more specific sharing-space here, there is a group called Here For You that specializes is letting people vent and offer comfort to each other. The lady who created it is pretty awesome, and is herself familiar with stress-related issues preventing normal work and limiting socialization.
Fortunately, folks here are, indeed, generally pretty awesome and supportive. There are a handful of publicly taboo topics (for example, posts about subjects like suicide get removed, and poster will be sent hotlines and such instead, I believe), but no one is going to attack you for going through crap. (If they do, definitely report it, even if you don't feel up to explaining the problem at the time. Stuff like that is not accepted here.)
For a more specific sharing-space here, there is a group called Here For You that specializes is letting people vent and offer comfort to each other. The lady who created it is pretty awesome, and is herself familiar with stress-related issues preventing normal work and limiting socialization.
Oh goodness, I can definitely relate to your situation! I've been in therapy for a couple of years now, one thing I can tell you for sure is that not all hope is lost. 
First off, it's important to acknowledge that you're doing absolutely fantastic by pursuing your options! Don't forget that it takes a lot of energy and effort to make the decisions you've been making, and you're doing great in that area. It's worth mentioning and reminding yourself of!
Second, there's a lot happening all at once, and it probably feels incredibly overwhelming. That's okay, this would be overwhelming for most people. What you can do is sort through these events and write them down. Try to stay factual, and put emotions aside in this list. For example:
- My family is causing me a lot of stress. Their influence is very toxic for my overall health.
- I am working on new living arrangements - I have friends who will take me in if I can contribute financially.
- I'm applying for SSI.
- I am worried I will not get SSI.
- I have been trying to distract myself from my worries through creative outlets, but I don't have the energy to spare.
- I feel scared and lonely.
Once you have a list down of these events and facts, you can go down the list one by one. Ask yourself questions: is this affecting me negatively right now? Is there anything I can do to alleviate the situation right now? If I can't do anything about the situation itself, what can I do about my feelings about it?
For example, regarding your family situation, you've made the decision to move away because you acknowledged their toxic influence on you. That's good! It can really hurt and make you feel crappy, but family should make you feel safe and comforted, not stressed out. That's a very legitimate reason to create distance, which you're doing, in order to improve your health. There's not much else you can do right now, so it's a good idea to try and remind yourself that it's okay to let go of family. For the times you have to go over there, see if you can bring someone along for support. If you can't, make a list before you go (write it down!) to help ground you and so you don't forget anything.
For things like "I am worried I will not get SSI", remember that energy spent on worrying is energy you take away from everyday functioning. It's really hard not to worry, I totally get that, but every time you catch yourself worrying stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself "Is there anything, anything at all, that I can do right now to ensure I get SSI?". If the answer is yes, go do that thing. If the answer is no (and 'I feel like there is, but I can't think of it' counts as a no) then try to remind yourself that there's nothing else you could do even if you want to, so try to let go of that thought and focus on something else. This can take some practice, it took me a while to retrain my brain, but if you repeat the steps often enough it will help out a lot in the long term.
As for applying for SSI itself, remember always answer questions based on your worst days. It's not cheating or exaggerating, your worst days/situations are the ones that impact your daily life the most, and that's what you should get SSI for. Example: instead of 'on some days I can function okay, but some days I can't even take a shower', just say 'I can't take my daily showers because I struggle so much'. Forms for disability and help in this areas in general are intended to be answered this way. You're not being given support for your good days after all, it's all about the bad days.
I'm on disability myself, and the process is pretty brutal, I won't lie. You have to share some very intimate things with complete strangers who judge your fate, and it's hard to describe in words how much that sucks. It's okay to be honest and open though. Treat your worst days as the norm when you talk to them. Don't pretend you're okay if you're not. They're there to help you after all.
It can help to look for a social worker in your area, too. They often know the ins and outs of the system, what things you can apply for, and help you apply for these things.
The bottom line is this: take it one step at a time. Utilize these lists. If you can't take immediate action, that's okay, but focus on things you can take action on. Before you worry about all the 'what ifs', wait until you have an answer because it's wasted energy you can put into more useful things that help you feel better. (I'm a champion at 'what ifs' myself, I know how hard this is, but it helps so much to even just try to refocus your energy!)
I hope this helps a bit. I know that these feelings and worries are persistent, but you're already doing so incredibly much and pulling through, you got this! You're not on your own, confide in your friends, maybe you'll find a social worker, and you can always talk to us here as well.
First off, it's important to acknowledge that you're doing absolutely fantastic by pursuing your options! Don't forget that it takes a lot of energy and effort to make the decisions you've been making, and you're doing great in that area. It's worth mentioning and reminding yourself of!
Second, there's a lot happening all at once, and it probably feels incredibly overwhelming. That's okay, this would be overwhelming for most people. What you can do is sort through these events and write them down. Try to stay factual, and put emotions aside in this list. For example:
- My family is causing me a lot of stress. Their influence is very toxic for my overall health.
- I am working on new living arrangements - I have friends who will take me in if I can contribute financially.
- I'm applying for SSI.
- I am worried I will not get SSI.
- I have been trying to distract myself from my worries through creative outlets, but I don't have the energy to spare.
- I feel scared and lonely.
Once you have a list down of these events and facts, you can go down the list one by one. Ask yourself questions: is this affecting me negatively right now? Is there anything I can do to alleviate the situation right now? If I can't do anything about the situation itself, what can I do about my feelings about it?
For example, regarding your family situation, you've made the decision to move away because you acknowledged their toxic influence on you. That's good! It can really hurt and make you feel crappy, but family should make you feel safe and comforted, not stressed out. That's a very legitimate reason to create distance, which you're doing, in order to improve your health. There's not much else you can do right now, so it's a good idea to try and remind yourself that it's okay to let go of family. For the times you have to go over there, see if you can bring someone along for support. If you can't, make a list before you go (write it down!) to help ground you and so you don't forget anything.
For things like "I am worried I will not get SSI", remember that energy spent on worrying is energy you take away from everyday functioning. It's really hard not to worry, I totally get that, but every time you catch yourself worrying stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself "Is there anything, anything at all, that I can do right now to ensure I get SSI?". If the answer is yes, go do that thing. If the answer is no (and 'I feel like there is, but I can't think of it' counts as a no) then try to remind yourself that there's nothing else you could do even if you want to, so try to let go of that thought and focus on something else. This can take some practice, it took me a while to retrain my brain, but if you repeat the steps often enough it will help out a lot in the long term.
As for applying for SSI itself, remember always answer questions based on your worst days. It's not cheating or exaggerating, your worst days/situations are the ones that impact your daily life the most, and that's what you should get SSI for. Example: instead of 'on some days I can function okay, but some days I can't even take a shower', just say 'I can't take my daily showers because I struggle so much'. Forms for disability and help in this areas in general are intended to be answered this way. You're not being given support for your good days after all, it's all about the bad days.
I'm on disability myself, and the process is pretty brutal, I won't lie. You have to share some very intimate things with complete strangers who judge your fate, and it's hard to describe in words how much that sucks. It's okay to be honest and open though. Treat your worst days as the norm when you talk to them. Don't pretend you're okay if you're not. They're there to help you after all.
It can help to look for a social worker in your area, too. They often know the ins and outs of the system, what things you can apply for, and help you apply for these things.
The bottom line is this: take it one step at a time. Utilize these lists. If you can't take immediate action, that's okay, but focus on things you can take action on. Before you worry about all the 'what ifs', wait until you have an answer because it's wasted energy you can put into more useful things that help you feel better. (I'm a champion at 'what ifs' myself, I know how hard this is, but it helps so much to even just try to refocus your energy!)
I hope this helps a bit. I know that these feelings and worries are persistent, but you're already doing so incredibly much and pulling through, you got this! You're not on your own, confide in your friends, maybe you'll find a social worker, and you can always talk to us here as well.
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