Forums » Smalltalk » October: Anti-bullying month

Today I found out that October is dedicated to anti-bullying. There are a lot of strong arguments and tearful memories to share on the matter, but this one in particular stood out to me.

I'm tentatively sharing it because of its potential for out of control debate, so I'm only saying this once: stick to the rules, be nice, take (heated) discussions to PMs if you feel they're necessary.

Bullying comes in many forms and affects too many people. I was lucky to have a loving family and wonderful friends to help me overcome the bullying I went through. Just being there for someone can make all the difference in the world.

That was brilliant. I'm going to share that to my facebook.

This is such an important issue. I'm definitely going to highlight this in the news posts.

The sad thing is is that comment, and that email, was completely out of the blue and completely uncalled for. I'm sure everyone has been the subject of bullying at least some point in their life, I have been as well, and at times, I was the bully. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's there. (I also was like, five, and HUGE, and really didn't know any better)

Personally, this new internet bullying is cowardly. If they don't have the courage to face the person they're harassing, they shouldn't be doing it at all. It's sad that kids now have to worry about this, and as a soon-to-be-parent, that's going to be something that'll be tugging at my mind.

I can think of a few times in my life when I was bullying. When I realized what I was doing, I felt intense remorse, but sometimes people end up in this group-think mentality that makes the worst things seem okay so long as some of your peers are in on it too. I think it is especially easy to fall into this trap as a child and teenager, when you perhaps aren't as good yet at stepping back and seeing a situation from the outside. Because bullying is so easy to fall into, I think occasional bullying will be a part of all of our lives at some point -- but it can and should be a learning experience, and teach kids both how to recognize when a situation has become toxic and they need to excuse themselves from it, and how to deal with it when they become the target of it. This requires adult intervention and a general cultural shift to notice and condemn cruelty when it happens, instead of simply excusing it with a phrase like "boys will be boys" or "kids are just mean." Kids aren't intrinsically mean, but they are unaware. It's up to everyone to raise their awareness, and our own. Getting outside our own heads and into the shoes of other people takes a lot of thought and time and energy, and it's an easy step to skip when life gets hectic.

I've also been the victim of bullying. In middle school I was shunned, stalked, harassed, pushed, threatened, had my belongings and artwork destroyed and generally socially tortured because

1) I refused to dress like the other kids. I was told point-blank that unless I bought and wore the popular brand of jeans to school, I would never be accepted. Five years later, the summer before I went to college, I ran into someone from middle school and she scoffed at me and said some incredibly hurtful things because I still wasn't wearing jeans
2) I didn't share the predominant religion of my classmates and wasn't interested in converting.

Once a certain number of people made it clear that this kind of cruelty was an accepted social norm, and the overworked teachers declined to comment, it became okay for nearly the entire school to engage in. I was certainly not the only person experiencing these problems, and it seemed that no almost no one was exempted. Nearly everyone was both a bully and a victim.

I was bullied a lot when I was younger. It wasn't because I was poor (I had no concept of how terribly poor my family was growing up - my mom has an amazing eye for secondhand clothes that made me both look like I was cool and that I was more fashionable than most of the kids!), or even unattractive (though I was called Jiggly-puff and Snorlax at the height of the pokemon craze).

It was because of my incredibly weird mind. I don't think the same way most people do. I obsess about things and I remember a lot of the instances. I had a desperate need to fit in, but had no idea how to talk to people. Most of the people I know, I knew because I was friends with them from before kindergarten, or because they were friends of the former.

I have trouble relating to the norm. I have been suffering from social anxiety since I was a child. I don't have a verbal filter. My best friend in the world can attest to that. There is no difference between right and wrong sometimes and I end up gettin' far too deep into something that is not appropriate for the situation.

I wish, when I was younger, that I hadn't acted out in the ways I had. I gave them more fuel and ended up making me an enemy of people who could have otherwise continued to be good friends. I didn't get too off topic did I?

Anyhow, I still remember and relive a lot of the instances that I've been through and I can only think of one time where a person was calling me out and I actually asked for help. I'm glad I did, but I don't know if I could do it again.

RL bullies aren't the bravest either. THey usually have the backing of a group or are picking on weaker individuals. I dealt with the former where most people saw the odd acting guy and didn't like the difference. I had too few friends who could stick up for me. The worst part was that I didn't see why I had to act like everyone else, I also didn't understand why how I acted made them treat me the way they did.

On comment to Kim's mention about adult intervention, although one hundred percent correct...I also think that adults can be a huge part of the problem as well.

I was bullied quite harshly through Elementary school for several factors, that made me not so easy a person to overlook.

1) Severe OCD, ADHD, depression, a dislike of being touched.
2) I did not share predominant religion
3) I was much smaller then everyone else
4) Emotionally stunted, loud

While my fellow classmates were indeed apt to teasing me, it was the severe failure of the supposed 'responsible adults' around me, that stuck with me more then anything.

I had a teacher flat out refuse to punish, or talk to the kids who teased me, and in fact encouraged them to do so, because she thought it would "Help me overcome my irrational fears, and odd habits" and another teacher who told me the teasing was my fault because I wasn't as mature as the rest of the kids in my class.

Parents too, encouraged their kids to not hang out with me, even forbidding them to play with me, because I was odd.

I think overall education, for children, and adults alike is what is needed.

I agree wholeheartedly. It was terrifying to realize as a child that the people in the classroom who were supposedly there to help and protect me just didn't care. And when adults don't care, it sends the message that it's okay. Worse yet if they encourage it!

I do think change is most possible if and when adults DO decide they are going to step in, though.

I've always been picked on for being underweight, or being too quiet. Even just saying the wrong thing at the wrong time tends to attract unwanted attention, and it gives people something to hold onto and hold against you...

I don't understand why people do it, like the man who wrote to that newscaster. Did he think he was gaining something from doing that?

Bullying tends to be caused by an underlying problem. Not always, but often enough.

People feel powerless, unwanted, unrecognized, perhaps they are bullied themselves elsewhere. Putting other people down makes them feel superior and powerful, and validates their own warped perceptions of what makes them better than others. It can be an outlet for built up frustration because they can't deal with being bullied themselves (children being abused by parents are a stereotypical but decent enough example).

Then there is the problem of wanting to feel accepted and part of the group. If you don't pick on those who the group doesn't like, you're not part of their group, rejected and likely will be bullied yourself instead. It can be fear driven in these circumstances and an overwhelming sense of wanting to fit in.

More often than not, bullies are victims too. Of their own inabilities to deal with negative feelings, of being or fear to be bullied themselves. Bullying provides a false sense of assertion and power, making them blind to what they're actually doing. Most often bullies don't realize how bad it actually gets.

I believe people like the man who wrote to the newscaster have a strong desire to be right about things. They want to feel superior and make hurtful statements to try and control and manipulate someone into either feeling bad or changing the way the person is to their own ideals. This man spoke of obesity as a choice and then tried to bring her down by stating she is wrong by being obese, possibly attempting to persuade her into actively losing weight; not for her own benefit or the image she represents, but to fit his personal standards. He seeks to gain control through negative arguments, and possibly vent his frustration about her not being the image he expected her to be as dictated by society. Maybe he is unsuccessful in real life and thinks a "lazy, obese woman" having success in the media is unfair. Or maybe he used to get bullied for being overweight, worked hard to lose weight and associates everything and everyone overweight with only bad memories.

Or maybe he's just a jerk with no real motivation. I doubt that though.

Long ramble short, as much as I've hated the bullies of my past and as much as ignorance and hateful, hurtful exclamations piss me off even to this day, I do make an effort to try and understand a bully. If we want to tackle this problem we shouldn't ignore bullies or fight them. We need to help them get over themselves and show them that it doesn't get them anything. They need to find out what's happening to them in order to get better about it, but this is difficult because who likes to think they are wrong? Who likes to be told they're arrogant and heartless? Very few people do.

I hope this is coherent enough to understand. I'm a bit loopy right now, if something seems off please contribute it to that.