Hey guys, I could use all of your advice right now. I know everyone handles this differently, but knowing what others do could be really helpful for me.
So, I basically found out that my grandpa is not expected to get out of the hospital. His organs are failing, and either he'll have a heart attack from the strain or it will take a little bit for everything to just shut down.
So I'm going through each day waiting for the call from mom to tell me that he's gone.
It's really, really tough. Prior to Tuesday of last week, he'd had a couple health problems but they were mostly related to like, pain in his knee, and problems moving. All old people have trouble moving. He was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday, he's been there since...and he's not getting out. My boyfriend and I went to go see him on Saturday, at least.
My grandparents are a really integral part of my family. My dad's parents died when I was really young (I never even met his mother), so my mema and bepa have always been really involved in our lives.
I knew this day would come eventually, I just...was hoping we would have a few more years. I was hoping he'd get to see me get married. I was hoping he'd get to meet his twin great-grandbabies in April.
All of these thoughts are running through my head, and more. Right now, my only way of coping to keep it together enough to get through the work day is to just not think about it. But I know that's not healthy.
Is there any advice you guys can give on dealing with loss like this? Impending loss is awful.
So, I basically found out that my grandpa is not expected to get out of the hospital. His organs are failing, and either he'll have a heart attack from the strain or it will take a little bit for everything to just shut down.
So I'm going through each day waiting for the call from mom to tell me that he's gone.
It's really, really tough. Prior to Tuesday of last week, he'd had a couple health problems but they were mostly related to like, pain in his knee, and problems moving. All old people have trouble moving. He was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday, he's been there since...and he's not getting out. My boyfriend and I went to go see him on Saturday, at least.
My grandparents are a really integral part of my family. My dad's parents died when I was really young (I never even met his mother), so my mema and bepa have always been really involved in our lives.
I knew this day would come eventually, I just...was hoping we would have a few more years. I was hoping he'd get to see me get married. I was hoping he'd get to meet his twin great-grandbabies in April.
All of these thoughts are running through my head, and more. Right now, my only way of coping to keep it together enough to get through the work day is to just not think about it. But I know that's not healthy.
Is there any advice you guys can give on dealing with loss like this? Impending loss is awful.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this 
Count me among the “don’t think about it” crowd. I wouldn’t even call it unhealthy. There’s no point in preemptive grieving
However, when my grandparents were passing, they were all unable to really tell who was in the room with them. I suppose that if this were not the case and they were still able to talk and the like, I would have made sure to visit them, perhaps chat about happy shared memories, their childhood memories, and the like.
Count me among the “don’t think about it” crowd. I wouldn’t even call it unhealthy. There’s no point in preemptive grieving
However, when my grandparents were passing, they were all unable to really tell who was in the room with them. I suppose that if this were not the case and they were still able to talk and the like, I would have made sure to visit them, perhaps chat about happy shared memories, their childhood memories, and the like.
Do whatever feels right. Really. Don't want to think about it until you're ready to? That's fine. Want to cry yourself silly? That's fine. Movie night, wine, and memories? Also fine.
Everyone is different and handles things their own way. So long as it's not self-destructive or harmful to the people around you, then do what feels right.
Everyone is different and handles things their own way. So long as it's not self-destructive or harmful to the people around you, then do what feels right.
As others have stated before me, everyone grieves and handles this sort of thing differently. I think maybe one thing, if you can manage, is now that you have this knowledge, if you can, go visit him again and say everything you ever wanted to say. Even if it's just touching his hand and telling him one more time while he has the ears to hear it that you love him, and always have. It might give you an ounce of peace after you get that heart wrenching call.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
the healthiest coping method with grief is to feel how you feel, even if it scares you. really, clear the air inside your head - if you're sad, say you're sad and cry it out for hours if you have to. if you're angry, say you're angry, punch pillows and tell people and work through it until you cry again. say why you're sad that you're losing him. say why you're going to miss him. wallow, grieve - it sucks, but it's so well known because it works. i remember just last year i lost my dog of old age (not very much comparable, ik, but just an easy example), and i would sit where he laid for hours at a time, just sobbing until i would stop for a time and then remember something and start crying again. it hurts. someone you love is leaving you forever. let yourself feel that, however scary it may be.
and, of course, if you want to spend time with him, then spend time with him. if you want other people with you while you're there, they probably want to be there if they're not already - invite them, if he's okay with it. tell him how important he is to you, and that you'll miss him. if it even crosses your mind that you'll regret not doing something, i'd personally recommend doing it.
don't let any of it rot inside of you. while it may be easier to do, it's not easier to deal with.
and, of course, if you want to spend time with him, then spend time with him. if you want other people with you while you're there, they probably want to be there if they're not already - invite them, if he's okay with it. tell him how important he is to you, and that you'll miss him. if it even crosses your mind that you'll regret not doing something, i'd personally recommend doing it.
don't let any of it rot inside of you. while it may be easier to do, it's not easier to deal with.
Different people grieve differently. My grandpa has been dead for a few years (almost a decade) and his death was tough. I myself think letting all the feelings out and talking to someone about it can really make all the difference. Crying with someone if you aren’t embarrassed about it can actually be a very bonding experience.
I imagine your grandpa wants to possibly die around his family, ask him maybe. After all, I would be very happy if everyone I cared about in my life was around me in my last days.
Whatever you decide to do, whether talk to your grandpa or let it all out, I wish you all the best.
I imagine your grandpa wants to possibly die around his family, ask him maybe. After all, I would be very happy if everyone I cared about in my life was around me in my last days.
Whatever you decide to do, whether talk to your grandpa or let it all out, I wish you all the best.
My dad was admitted to the hospital this morning for a heart attack about 5 AM... When I got the call from my mom, I stayed up after that, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate in class. I literally skipped work and class to rest, I couldn't handle it.
After my sister, my dad was my greatest supporter. When my mom reprimanded me, he supported me, he reassured me. I went to visit him about an hour ago, he died shortly before I came...
I know how this feels, we are all strong and we will live through.
After my sister, my dad was my greatest supporter. When my mom reprimanded me, he supported me, he reassured me. I went to visit him about an hour ago, he died shortly before I came...
I know how this feels, we are all strong and we will live through.
Thank you all for your input. I went in to the hospital yesterday, it was very rough. He's practically nonresponsive. He would occasionally open his eyes and look at you, but it's hard to know if he's even actually seeing you. He can't say anything.
Late last night, he was moved into Inpatient Hospice Care. We're practically just waiting for him to die and it's awful. But I got to see him, and I had my mom take a picture of me with him. I knew it would hurt for a while, but someday I'm sure I'll look back and be glad I had that picture.
I have so many emotions and thoughts inside me. My boyfriend has been a great support during this time. My whole family is hurting so much. My mom's cousin (my grandpa's niece) came in while I was there last night, and she started crying the minute she saw him. It was weird, being the rock for a 40-something woman. But she needed me, so I was there to try and encourage her. It's just so hard for everyone right now, especially my grandma as she tries to take care of everything.
Halwa, I am so sorry about your loss. Sudden loss is especially hard, and while my grandfather's condition was sudden, it's been about a week so we've had time to prepare and deal with the inevitable. I'll be praying for you and your family. Remember that it's okay to take off from work and classes to work through your grief. I know as soon as I get the call that my grandpa has passed, I'll be taking off work for the day.
Late last night, he was moved into Inpatient Hospice Care. We're practically just waiting for him to die and it's awful. But I got to see him, and I had my mom take a picture of me with him. I knew it would hurt for a while, but someday I'm sure I'll look back and be glad I had that picture.
I have so many emotions and thoughts inside me. My boyfriend has been a great support during this time. My whole family is hurting so much. My mom's cousin (my grandpa's niece) came in while I was there last night, and she started crying the minute she saw him. It was weird, being the rock for a 40-something woman. But she needed me, so I was there to try and encourage her. It's just so hard for everyone right now, especially my grandma as she tries to take care of everything.
Halwa, I am so sorry about your loss. Sudden loss is especially hard, and while my grandfather's condition was sudden, it's been about a week so we've had time to prepare and deal with the inevitable. I'll be praying for you and your family. Remember that it's okay to take off from work and classes to work through your grief. I know as soon as I get the call that my grandpa has passed, I'll be taking off work for the day.
My grandfather passed away Wednesday the 24th. The viewing and funeral are tomorrow. It's a really tough time for all of us...
CelestinaGrey wrote:
My grandfather passed away Wednesday the 24th. The viewing and funeral are tomorrow. It's a really tough time for all of us...
Condolences from me Celestina. My father's funeral is in two weeks from today. I understand how you feel, I've been taking off class and work. I really do miss my father, my greatest supporter.
I know how you feel, my amazing aunt,Grama Rosa, passed away around the late days of March 2017 due to a heart attack. I was so heartbroken and I showed huge disparity when I wrote. I’ve decided to do my best in sports for her, because she would always be happy to hear me tell her about my progress. The crazy thing is when the last time I spoke to her on Facebook she sent me a post saying they found something in her heart and it was me (meaning she loved me with all her heart.) It was weird to see it again after she passed because of a heart problem.
Then on March 30th my uncle passed away in the hospital due to organ failure (I never wanted to know why). The last time I spoke with him he sounded so happy to spend time with us. The last time I was with him in person we were at my aunts funeral. He was talking about going fishing like we always did, but now he’s gone and I don’t fish anymore. I miss him calling me all the time and calling me “Papas” and “Fat Boy” (from my baby years) and “Gordo”.
I really miss my uncle Angel and Great Aunt Rosa , but we all have to do everything for them. We have to move on for them and work our hardest for them. Like my dad always said “Your problems are only today and your freedom is only a day away.” I live by those rules and I want to spread positivity (when I’m not an ass on the site) onto this site.
Then on March 30th my uncle passed away in the hospital due to organ failure (I never wanted to know why). The last time I spoke with him he sounded so happy to spend time with us. The last time I was with him in person we were at my aunts funeral. He was talking about going fishing like we always did, but now he’s gone and I don’t fish anymore. I miss him calling me all the time and calling me “Papas” and “Fat Boy” (from my baby years) and “Gordo”.
I really miss my uncle Angel and Great Aunt Rosa , but we all have to do everything for them. We have to move on for them and work our hardest for them. Like my dad always said “Your problems are only today and your freedom is only a day away.” I live by those rules and I want to spread positivity (when I’m not an ass on the site) onto this site.
It has been pretty hard. I have so many amazing memories with him, he was such a big part of my life. My boyfriend was really upset the other day because at one point he turned, looked at me, and said "he knew."
We had gone to see my grandpa in the hospital on Saturday. Bepa always loved my boyfriend, he thought he was great. Apparently, when my boyfriend leaned in to give him a hug as we were saying goodbye, Bepa told him, "Take care of yourself. And take care of her."
He knew. He knew already that he wasn't getting out of that hospital. I'm just so glad I was able to see him then and speak with him. When I went to see him again on Tuesday, he was only able to occasionally open his eyes; he couldn't speak or anything.
I have two great comforts; he is not suffering with all that pain anymore, and I will see him again in Heaven some day.
Still, that doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.
We had gone to see my grandpa in the hospital on Saturday. Bepa always loved my boyfriend, he thought he was great. Apparently, when my boyfriend leaned in to give him a hug as we were saying goodbye, Bepa told him, "Take care of yourself. And take care of her."
He knew. He knew already that he wasn't getting out of that hospital. I'm just so glad I was able to see him then and speak with him. When I went to see him again on Tuesday, he was only able to occasionally open his eyes; he couldn't speak or anything.
I have two great comforts; he is not suffering with all that pain anymore, and I will see him again in Heaven some day.
Still, that doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.
CelestinaGrey wrote:
It has been pretty hard. I have so many amazing memories with him, he was such a big part of my life. My boyfriend was really upset the other day because at one point he turned, looked at me, and said "he knew."
We had gone to see my grandpa in the hospital on Saturday. Bepa always loved my boyfriend, he thought he was great. Apparently, when my boyfriend leaned in to give him a hug as we were saying goodbye, Bepa told him, "Take care of yourself. And take care of her."
He knew. He knew already that he wasn't getting out of that hospital. I'm just so glad I was able to see him then and speak with him. When I went to see him again on Tuesday, he was only able to occasionally open his eyes; he couldn't speak or anything.
I have two great comforts; he is not suffering with all that pain anymore, and I will see him again in Heaven some day.
Still, that doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.
We had gone to see my grandpa in the hospital on Saturday. Bepa always loved my boyfriend, he thought he was great. Apparently, when my boyfriend leaned in to give him a hug as we were saying goodbye, Bepa told him, "Take care of yourself. And take care of her."
He knew. He knew already that he wasn't getting out of that hospital. I'm just so glad I was able to see him then and speak with him. When I went to see him again on Tuesday, he was only able to occasionally open his eyes; he couldn't speak or anything.
I have two great comforts; he is not suffering with all that pain anymore, and I will see him again in Heaven some day.
Still, that doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.
*le reassuring hug*
I am so glad to hear that you have amazing memories of your grandpa and that you got to take one final photo with him. I wish I was so lucky when my great great grandmother died a long while ago. The only solace that I have is seeing and hearing how proud she was of me for graduating college (Madear was always so happy whenever she heard about any academic achievements from me; I was her little genius in her eyes, and I'm glad to have made her so proud of me in her final days) and that I managed to tell her that I loved her before we parted ways. It was a short visit and she looked as healthy as an ox during that time, but it still hurts that I passed up the chance to tell her everything about me right before I left. She was my mother when my own mother wasn't around, so it hurt twice as much.
But always take the time out to take good care of yourself, especially during this time. It may be redundant to say, but it's always good to have a reminder, you know? If nothing else, we're all here for you whenever you need us.
But always take the time out to take good care of yourself, especially during this time. It may be redundant to say, but it's always good to have a reminder, you know? If nothing else, we're all here for you whenever you need us.
My condolences, Celestina
Hi guys, so I know this thread is kind of old, but it's become pretty relevant again.
Today I was at my desk at work, just doing regular work things, when I suddenly started having a breakdown about my grandpa. It probably doesn't help that I have his picture at my desk. But I suddenly got REALLY emotional and almost started crying, and I couldn't figure out where this was suddenly coming from. Then I looked at the date.
It's 4 months today since he passed away. It still randomly hits me that he's gone and hten I get so upset. I'm not okay with my last moments with him, which is hard. He was mostly unconscious, and I keep thinking how I wish he was awake so he would know I said I loved him and goodbye.
I work at the front desk, so I always have to be 'on', smiling, upbeat. I'm not so sure I can pull that off today.
The sadness just kind of suddenly comes and goes... has anyone else dealt with this? What do you do to get through when it comes? My default is 'distract distract distract', which I know is not healthy...
Today I was at my desk at work, just doing regular work things, when I suddenly started having a breakdown about my grandpa. It probably doesn't help that I have his picture at my desk. But I suddenly got REALLY emotional and almost started crying, and I couldn't figure out where this was suddenly coming from. Then I looked at the date.
It's 4 months today since he passed away. It still randomly hits me that he's gone and hten I get so upset. I'm not okay with my last moments with him, which is hard. He was mostly unconscious, and I keep thinking how I wish he was awake so he would know I said I loved him and goodbye.
I work at the front desk, so I always have to be 'on', smiling, upbeat. I'm not so sure I can pull that off today.
The sadness just kind of suddenly comes and goes... has anyone else dealt with this? What do you do to get through when it comes? My default is 'distract distract distract', which I know is not healthy...
Ah. This is really relevant at the moment.
First of all, Celestina, it's late in coming but I'm sorry for your loss. It seems like you're doing your best to keep going forward. These episodes are normal and you should be allowed to deal with them when they come, never mind trying to keep a smile on for appearance's sake if that's not what you're feeling.
Just today, in any case, I chanced on a thread someone made on twitter about the concept of re-grieving. It's here if you want to check it out.
I think my short answer to you is, whatever form your feelings are currently taking, you should acknowledge them. Don't beat them down or ignore them. Taking the time to trace them back, to see what they're saying, and to meet them with same empathy you'd have if they were someone else's feelings will probably do more good than harm. Express them however you need to. Don't wallow; just be gentle with yourself, and respect that the feelings are real and serving a purpose for you. Then, like with everything, time'll march forward and you'll be able to focus on other things until the next instance rolls around.
I really wish you the best! Even if today was a toughie, you handled it. You are handling it. You're doing great.
First of all, Celestina, it's late in coming but I'm sorry for your loss. It seems like you're doing your best to keep going forward. These episodes are normal and you should be allowed to deal with them when they come, never mind trying to keep a smile on for appearance's sake if that's not what you're feeling.
I think I have a small idea of what you're going through.
My stepdad passed away abruptly after less than a week in the hospital in late July of 2016. Because of the circumstances, nobody really had the time or ability to process it. In life he was an alcoholic who played his feelings close to his chest and his passing left us all with a really complex mix of emotions and a mess of unresolved grievances.
It was a weird time. I cried a little, but I mostly just felt blindsided and resentful. For a while I sought a bunch of personal treatments and improvements - health care, therapy, returning to finish my education. I felt like I was going strong. But now and again, little roadblocks sprang up. Sometimes they made sense; sometimes they didn't.
... February, his birth month, I felt basically catatonic, but everything came back around eventually.
... July - one year on - I was working again in the job I'd held when he died and I had about a week of tough-to-contain emotions, before they stabilized.
... At some point I suddenly got *so angry* all over again. On long lonesome car rides, I'd play out arguments that we never had but that I always wanted to, just to let some of it out.
... Last month I felt kind of melancholy, thinking about the person he was as a whole. I had a notion to seek out something vaguely spiritual - maybe to sit in on a couple of church services - maybe just to have a chance to reflect.
And who knows what the future holds? What I'm getting at is that, while we think of grief as a process we complete and then move beyond, time is teaching me that it's a cycle of cycles. We might move past it once, but we have to do it again for reasons beyond our ken any number of times, and I'm not totally sure we're ever really done with it.
My stepdad passed away abruptly after less than a week in the hospital in late July of 2016. Because of the circumstances, nobody really had the time or ability to process it. In life he was an alcoholic who played his feelings close to his chest and his passing left us all with a really complex mix of emotions and a mess of unresolved grievances.
It was a weird time. I cried a little, but I mostly just felt blindsided and resentful. For a while I sought a bunch of personal treatments and improvements - health care, therapy, returning to finish my education. I felt like I was going strong. But now and again, little roadblocks sprang up. Sometimes they made sense; sometimes they didn't.
... February, his birth month, I felt basically catatonic, but everything came back around eventually.
... July - one year on - I was working again in the job I'd held when he died and I had about a week of tough-to-contain emotions, before they stabilized.
... At some point I suddenly got *so angry* all over again. On long lonesome car rides, I'd play out arguments that we never had but that I always wanted to, just to let some of it out.
... Last month I felt kind of melancholy, thinking about the person he was as a whole. I had a notion to seek out something vaguely spiritual - maybe to sit in on a couple of church services - maybe just to have a chance to reflect.
And who knows what the future holds? What I'm getting at is that, while we think of grief as a process we complete and then move beyond, time is teaching me that it's a cycle of cycles. We might move past it once, but we have to do it again for reasons beyond our ken any number of times, and I'm not totally sure we're ever really done with it.
Just today, in any case, I chanced on a thread someone made on twitter about the concept of re-grieving. It's here if you want to check it out.
I think my short answer to you is, whatever form your feelings are currently taking, you should acknowledge them. Don't beat them down or ignore them. Taking the time to trace them back, to see what they're saying, and to meet them with same empathy you'd have if they were someone else's feelings will probably do more good than harm. Express them however you need to. Don't wallow; just be gentle with yourself, and respect that the feelings are real and serving a purpose for you. Then, like with everything, time'll march forward and you'll be able to focus on other things until the next instance rolls around.
I really wish you the best! Even if today was a toughie, you handled it. You are handling it. You're doing great.
MainlyPango,
Thank you so much. That information, the thread, everything; it was incredibly helpful. I'm sorry for your loss and struggling as well, but what you have just told me really, really helps.
Thank you, so very much
Thank you so much. That information, the thread, everything; it was incredibly helpful. I'm sorry for your loss and struggling as well, but what you have just told me really, really helps.
Thank you, so very much
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