Forums » Smalltalk » Advice? (LGBTQ+)

Hello wonderful members of the RPR community! Today, this topic is kind of selfish, because it is about meeee~~

I honestly despise talking about myself, but this honestly has gone too far, and I admit, I need to start talking about myself more. Get myself open to the world. I have a feeling that if I was more open, I wouldn't need to be making this forum.

But, here I am! And this is what I have to say!

I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, but I've been having some identity troubles lately (for like, 3-ish years), and I really need some help...!




Now, I know I'm not alone, and that's why I'm here today, asking for advice from anyone who's willing to give it.


I'm not a girl, and I'm happy that I finally know this.


But I don't know what I am.

I've thought, maybe I'm non-binary, because being transgender sounded... weird to me, as in, for me.

But for the past year, I think that maybe I am wanting to be transgender.


I'm just so... confused right now.

And I just want to be me.

That's not too much to ask, right?

that's perfectly normal.
i've been having the same problem for 2 years.
though I'm only 14...
i say go for it if that's what you really want.
it's your life to do whatever the hell you damn well please with it.

I don't think there's anything selfish about discovering yourself.

Since it sounds like you're not entirely sure of what you are, I think your best move is to start asking yourself a lot of questions about your identity and your perspective on these subjects. Read up on gender identities and connect to some LGBT+ communities built around helping people like yourself. Just keep in mind that nobody knows you as well as you do, so you have to come to your own conclusions. Don't listen to people who try to force labels on you.

You're going to change a lot as you grow up. I know from personal experience that what you think and feel now might be completely different by the time you're an adult. That doesn't mean you're going through a phase, that just means you're still figuring yourself out. Heck, a lot of adults are still figuring themselves out! Expect to change your mind, expect to make mistakes, and expect to feel confused and frustrated - but above all, remember that you don't have to endure those things alone.

On the subject of making mistakes, I want to caution you not to rush into any sort of therapy before your body is fully developed. Besides hormone therapy, some things like chest binding can be very damaging so research heavily. Make sure that whatever path you take is guaranteed to be safe for teenagers!

I'm no expert on this subject so that's the best advice I can offer for now.

I'm 30. It took me many, many years before I knew what I was, sexuality and gender identity wise. You have to remember that sexuality and identity are spectrums and that there is no time restriction or requirement on figuring this stuff out. If you know, you know. If you find out more stuff and change your labels to more accurately represent yourself as you go along, then that's fine too, especially at your age (though not restricted to your teen years).

Sexuality and gender identity are not static, especially because we often don't always have all the information to understand ourselves better and name what feels normal to us. This is okay.

Whatever your mom thinks doesn't override the validity of your sexuality and gender identity - she's not you, and she doesn't get to decide this for you whatsoever. You're the only one who decides who and what are are. I don't know where you live, but depending on your age you may already have medical autonomy and don't need your parents to consent to seeing a medical professional to help you figure this stuff out. I highly recommend doing some research for information like, for example, Canada's laws on medical decisions for children 14-17 years old.

Knowledge is power here! Do all the research you can, reach out to LGBTQIA+ communities who may share resources, go see your healthcare provider where possible and just do what you need to do. I know parents can be huge blockers in this process, but they can only do so much if you're aware of your rights and have as much information as possible.

One thing to keep in mind is that while others may not be able to force labels on you, they can provide useful information to help you figure things out for yourself. Don't dismiss people's information, but take all of it and then decide for yourself what fits best. It's okay if you need more time to figure it out, you don't have a deadline, and there's nothing wrong with exploring all nooks and crannies before you settle on something. And it's okay to change your mind after you settled on something too. When we grow into adults and gain more life experience, it's natural to discover new things about ourselves. I thought I was bisexual when I was 15/16, then as an adult in my early twenties this changed to pansexual. I gave myself the time I needed to figure this out and you're allowed to do that too.

I hope this helps and wish you good luck on your journey!

I'm Non Binary and I prefer Gender Neutral Pronouns. I have had people give me flak and would say "This is not Tumblr" or "I will call you by your given gender." type nonsense rubbish.


I do wish you the best of luck. You were given some good advise and I admire this allot. Good luck.

I think Sanne and MinetteDuMal covered what all I would say here for the most part but I'm just gonna say this:

Be yourself! Don't let others tell you who to be, this is your life not theirs!! You will likely face a lot of friction as you try to figure out who you are, there are many who will try to tell you that you are something your not. Do not let them push you down in the dirt.

I wish you luck in this no matter what you decide and if you ever wanna talk just shoot me a PM~

--As always, Ozzie.

Just be yourself, Lex.

I am honestly admired by this forum, Lex. It made me happy for being- a demigirl, and being bisexual. When someone tells me that I'm not either of those things, I feel mad. Angry. Upset. Nobody deserves to not be what they want to be. We all want to be loved and equally treated as humans, and sometimes I wish that was possible. Maybe someday everyone will accept LGBTQ citizens, but not today.

Someday.


I love you Lex, and want you to be yourself.

So please do. ~Penny.

Oh, wow!

I honestly didn't think I would get so much support on this, thank you all so much!! I really appreciate it, and I've decided to ask my dad about it, too, as I think he'll accept me for who I am.

I adore this community so much, not just the LGBTQ+, but the whole of RPR. There's so much love and hope and happiness that can be spread here, and just reading the replies and advice made me so happy.

Thank you all so much!! You all have no idea how much this helps

Hey! I kinda get what you are struggling with, since I have gone through questioning my gender.
I identify as a transgender male, meaning yes I was born a biological girl, but I am a boy. This did take me yearsss to figure out, quietly. So hi, I'm Rylee (Or Leo) a simple teen that is trans.
Buuuuuut... for a quite a few years of my life I was super duper girlyyyy.. Specifically from year 6 to year 8. Which is why I was questioning whether I am actually trans. Specifically, I was questioning how could I possible be a boy when I was so girly for so long?

But ey, my gender dysphoria was kicking in, a lot. I felt / feel dysphoric about my feminine voice, name, and body, which was probably my biggest tell that I'm trans. I started experimenting with using different boy names, and going by pronouns he/him. And let me tell you, that made me feel so much better. There is nothing wrong with experimenting, it really does help a lot with finding your identity and what you feel comfortable with. If you ever need to chat, there are so many people you can send a pm to, and that includes me.

Remember, gender IDENTITY and gender EXPRESSION are two very different things.

I wish you the best,
~ Rylee

It's okay if you can't find a perfect fitting label for how you feel right now, or even ever. Gender and sexuality are felt and expressed in ways each unique to each person, and can evolve over time as you discover more about yourself, or even shift from day to day. The answer to what you are is simple - you're you, you've always been you. Your body may not match up to how you feel yet, but that doesn't mean you're not yourself inside already.

Try to take this journey at your own pace. It's really important you find your own definition, and not feel a pressure to fit someone else's. For instance, sometimes trans people don't go for full surgical reassignment, or even for hormones. For some, transitioning is simply a matter of a name and outfit change. Some trans people go from male/female to non-binary. These are all valid under the trans umbrella. So chase your own comfort first and foremost.

honestly, i've always found the journey to finding your own gender and sexuality exhausting. i did it when i was like 15-17 and it just wasn't fun. i live in a conservative home to begin with. since around the middle of the year when i was seventeen, i've really just approached the whole thing with, "okay, so this is what we're doing now."

i like a girl? cool. i want to wear a dress? cool. i want to wear basketball shorts? cool. i like a guy? cool. i like a nonbinary person? cool. i want to decorate? cool. i want to chill around and play video games all day? cool. honestly, nothing inherently has a gender; only humans do that, and gender is separate from sex, so go ham. if someone asks for a label, i usually just say "who knows, dude." it's okay to not know, imo

when i was 12 i thought i was agender and pan, and over the years, i started to figure it out more and more and i eventually realized i was a gay trans guy. since i was 12 i’ve gone by: cis lesbian, agender and pan, gay trans guy, bi trans guy, cis lesbian, and back to gay trans guy.

my point with this is: imo there’s a lot of pressure to 100% figure out your gender/sexuality and never change your label ever. when you think you have it all figured out, something couldnhappen that confuses you all over again. it’s okay to not have it all figured out, it’s okay to change your name and pronouns and try out labels and see what feels right and comfortable. sometimes, feelings change, and that’s completely okay! gender and sexuality is hard to figure out, especially when there’s hardly any education or awareness for it in schools. but yeah, it’s okay to change your labels, you don’t have to 100% definitely decide on anything and go by it for the rest of your life.

as for actually figuring out, gender is confusing and weird. something that helped me figure it all out is imagining myself suddenly waking up as a cis dude. would i be comfortable with it? yeah, yeah i would. changing my name and going by masculine terms helped me a huge amount.

i kind of rambled here but another thing that helped me was that, i don’t necessarily hate the idea of wearing dresses or having longer hair. but i hate the idea of me, currently, having longer hair or wearing dresses. if i could be Different i wouldn’t hate it, and eventually, i realized being “different” would just be. being a dude. i want to be seen as a dude in a dress or a dude with long hair, not a feminine girl.

this is something a lot of cis people don’t get, i feel like. i’m not necessarily insecure, i just have dysphoria. if my body matched how i feel, i would be really confident.

there’s a lot of rambling here but don’t feel pressured to figure it all out now, try to pay attention to how you feel and why. think about what would make you the most comfortable with and how you really want others to see you. i feel like that’s the best advice i could give and i hope it’s at least a little bit helpful.

I've gone without reading any of the other replies, but I've gone over your original post quite carefully.

My personal experience has gone on since I was about 7 or 8. I found myself interested more so in girls, but I also liked boys. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to like, but I knew that there was absolutely something different about me than what I was being told was normal. It wasn't until I reached the 12-13 range that I realized I was strongly attracted to both genders, and that the genders themselves didn't make a difference to me.

It wasn't until I was already in highschool that I realized I really was bi, but I didn't know that pan-sexuality existed yet. I just knew that I liked both of what was apparent to me. I didn't know anything about transgender, genderfluid, nonbinary, or any other kind of genders that are out there. None of that information was talked about when I was in school. You've fortunately, and also unfortunately, come into an age where it's NEW and extremely confusing because it's only now being really talked about and explained and discovered by millions of people all at once. It's a wild ride, and it's absolutely understandable for you to experience the stress that comes along with it.

I personally identify as genderfluid with he/him pronouns. This is what's comfortable for me, and I don't feel quite comfortable revealing my birth gender. I would much rather keep things as they are online, because that's who I want to be.

I'm happy to say that being genderfluid really answered a lot of questions for me. Sometimes I feel really girly, sometimes I feel like I'm sitting right in the middle, sometimes I feel like a man, and sometimes I don't feel any gender at all. This is why genderfluid sits so well on my plate and why I've chosen it as the comfortable term that I would like to be identified as. This discovery didn't happen for me solidly until I turned 25. So, be aware that self discovery can really take a life time. There is no right or wrong way to look into yourself, so long as you're doing so in a safe and respectful way to your own body and mind. Ask yourself questions, think about how something really makes you feel. Therapy will be good, because the right therapist or psychologist can give you a lot of good questions and even some answers to deal with in your journey.

I identify as pansexual because I TRULY don't believe that the gender of the person I am in love with matters in any way at all. I'm pansexual because I find ALL genders to be absolutely attractive, unique, and beautiful in their own ways and what the persons identification is has no change to how attractive that person is to me.

I identify as panromantic for the same reason that I identify as pansexual.

I know that all of these terms and prefixes can be really confusing, and I'm glad you're doing yourself the greatest of favours by reaching out and asking for discussion about this very sensitive and difficult topic. You're supported here, and your journey is going to be a long one. Don't try and rush the answer, just be sure you're asking yourself how you feel and if the shoe fits for the time being but doesn't fit sometime down the road, that's perfectly okay.

I hope my insight has been helpful.

Having parents who are unsupportive — especially when you are as young as you are — can be a serious problem in so many ways beyond just getting treatment. There are many horror stories of folks being mistreated in ways I cannot fathom. I'm an American, so my ideas may not apply where you live, but it may help you.

Where I'm from, your general physician is the first person you speak to for just about everything. You talk to them about how you're feeling, and if it's outside their paygrade, they can refer you to the appropriate specialists, who can then work with you on treatment options, be they counseling, hormone transition therapy, or something else in that field.

That annual physical exam your parents are supposed to be taking you to? That person works for you, not for them. You have the right to excuse your parents and speak with that physician privately. That doctor is legally obligated to keep whatever you say secret from your parents. This is especially for children who are sexually active and need to seek medical advice or treatment, because the alternative is letting them get themselves into dangerous situations unprotected.

In your case, if the laws work where you live the way they work here in the USA, your physician can have you going to therapy without your parents even aware of what exactly you're doing (although they do still have some parental control until you're 16 or 17, here). If transition isn't an option yet, then at least you can get counseling to help you manage your mental health until you have more autonomy to make decisions for yourself.

If your parents are fighting you tooth and nail on this, the next best thing is to speak with a school counselor. Something I learned while I was working in the school district is how diverse the role of a student counselor is, and how much of it is wasted because schools don't do a very good job of advertising that to their students. Find a secretary, or talk to a trusted teacher, or ask some other faculty for advice. Somebody will be able to get you in touch with your counselor, and it is their job to help you in any way they can, although I don't believe the same right of confidentiality applies.

Perhaps your school isn't comfortable with helping you, either. At that point you've hit the current limits of the LGBT community's decades of effort to make the world stop seeing us as other. A lot of folks have bled so we don't have to, and my generation before you are next in line to keep up the fight. Thanks to the protest veterans entering retirement these days, our fight is far less bloody, and it's no longer stylish to be a bigot. But that doesn't stop folks from making our lives miserable, and your generation is unfortunately getting the worst of it. At least we adults have the option to forge our own path. You won't have that freedom for another decade.

I admire that you have started to explore yourself in a very self-aware manner so young. I was still making fun of trans people well into high school. It wasn't up until about five years ago that I really started to understand that a lot of the things I had been feeling all of my life were what I now know to be my panromantic nonbinary identity. Even that still evolves for me, and I don't think it will ever stop.

As Blackhood said, gender expression and gender identity are two different things. Being a boy, or an enby, doesn't change just because you're forced to wear a dress. It's not comfortable, but it doesn't change who you are. It's not a phase, it's a modern understanding of gender as a fluid spectrum instead of a static binary. Even when your orientation or your identity changes, your identity as a member of the LGBT community remains permanent.

Be safe; please recognize that these feelings are important but not as important as being safe. Even today there are those parents or mentors or peers who will disown you, work against you, snitch on you, hurt you, demean you. We have tried so hard to end that, but we've failed you, and your generation is going to have to fight just as ours did to be recognized and accepted. That means you will have to make sacrifices, and that some parts of you may not be realized in time to save you from the depression and anxiety which is all too common in our community.

Do all that you can to protect yourself. Find friends who share your experiences, find adults you can trust to support you even when your parents won't, find little ways you can help yourself without taking risks that could get you in trouble. Maybe you wear boxers instead of panties, a coarse tanktop instead of a bra, things that don't draw any attention to you but let you feel better about yourself.

There's not a whole lot more I can say. A lot of folks here have already been very encouraging, so I hope something I wrote can help you see a way through this that you couldn't before.

I don't have the time to read through what everyone else has said (curse you full time job!), but I'll still toss this out there.

Gender and sexuality can be fluid for many. Technically, it might not be inaccurate to call any point a "phase" because of that or because of working out what feels right to begin with, but it is not "just a phase." It is still who you are, wherever you may be at in self-discovery.

I'm almost 30. I'm still figuring it out. This is probably the most openly I'll have said this, but over the past couple years, I've been thinking I wasn't just typical cis; over the past year, "demigirl" has started seeming most accurate, and honestly... it still feels silly to say, and I'm still more comfortable just shrugging and saying I'm female pretty much everywhere. I also began identifying as asexual a few years ago, when I actually looked into it; comfortable as I was with that, recent things have been forcing me to reconsider. And that's okay. I'm learning, and possibly changing, but it's all still who I am.

As for the gender therapy thing, it might help if you explain to your parents that it's not just "Oh, this is what you think? TOTALLY." They help you question why you feel how you do in order to determine what you need - including if what you need is just to reframe some things to feel more comfortable in your own skin. Basically, you can tell your parents that a trained mental health professional will help you see yourself as a girl if that is correct.

Also, a couple years ago National Geographic had a special gender edition. Might also be useful for giving to your parents.

I haven't been able to read everyone's replies, but I did want to put my own down here. I am likely repeating what others have said, but here goes anyway.

I want to start off by saying that I do not have any first hand experience with what you are going through. I was lucky in this respect, as I've never felt the need to question my gender or my sexuality. So please, take anything that I say with a pinch of salt, and please know, on the off chance that I say something that sounds judgey or ignorant, that is not the place I am coming from. I am a firm believer that a person's sexuality and gender identity should be what they feel it should be, without someone else telling them that they're wrong. They don't know the feelings and thoughts of the person struggling with something like this.

When I read through your post and the issue that you're having, it sounds like at the moment, you're not sure where you stand. You have an idea, but I don't think you're quite there in actually committing to an identity - and you know what? That's okay.

At the risk of sounding like what I'm saying is "It's just a phase", you are quite young.
Does this mean you don't know what you want? No! Of course not
But it does mean that you're still going through brain development, chemicals are doing all kinds of crazy shit to your mind, you have hormones that you didn't really have to worry about before, you have your puberty that may be going on (sorry I didn't catch your age, but you did mention being a teenager), and you have the whole going to school thing going on. This could be contributing not only to your confusion in where you feel you might be, but also in why you feel the need to question yourself

I think the single most important thing, if nothing else, is... stop worrying what other people think right now. The only thing that needs to matter at this point in time is you need to find where you fit for your own sake. Finding this and sticking to it, will give you the foundation you need to be able to move forwards in life and face any challenges that might come from your ultimate decision.

If you want to play with boys, play with boys!
If you want to kiss a girl, kiss a girl!
If you want to wear jeans and a hoodie, wear jeans and a hoodie!
If you want to wear a dress, wear a bloody dress!

Maybe you just need to stop asking yourself why you want these things, and just accept that you want them.

Unfortunately, this world is not easy on the LGBTQ+ community, and it really sucks. No matter the choices you make in the future, this is going to be a hard road for you (unless you ultimately settle on being cis). But you do and will have allies. You'll have people that will happily stand by you and watch your back, and those allies of the LGBTQ+ community are growing.
Unfortunately, it sounds like some of your family and some of your friends don't believe in this... which, I'm sorry to put this out there, is utter and complete bulls**t.

I read recently that acceptance of LGBTQ+ has jumped up in the last few years by a considerable amount. I can't remember by how much - sorry, but if I remember right it's over 50%. That means that LGBTQ+ support is now the majority! That those that are ignorant and judgmental of such things are now the minority. It's slow progress... too slow, but there is hope.

As for those who cannot accept this. Unfortunately, you might have to let those people go out of your life (including your mum if you have to). It's going to be hard enough facing the ignorance of the world, you don't need your inner circle moving against you too. Find good support. Friends and family that will stand by you and not make you feel like crap about it when you find your place within yourself. There are people that will love you unconditionally. Those are the ones you will need to stick with.

Don't listen to those that say it's a sin against God. Their very religion tells them that God made everything. The G-spot for a man is his prostate, which is reached by entering their rear. God put that there so men can enjoy sleeping with other men. Also homosexuality exists in other species, but homophobia exists only in humans.

And don't listen to the people who tell you they don't believe in that stuff. Sexuality and gender identity are not Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny. They can't declare LGBTQ+ doesn't exist and suddenly everyone will turn out both CIS and heterosexual. Maybe they can stand in the road and try to "not believe in" the car that runs them over (not that I'm wishing harm on any of your friends and family).

I hope you find the advice that you need on your thread, and I hope you find your happiness.

WOW!!

What a beautiful thread.

Most of the advice I would give has been said already, so instead I'm popping in to say a quick thing.

Speaking for the entire mod team, you are welcome here, recognized here, loved here, supported here.

We value you as a community member and affirm your right to identify any which way you please here.

I know that the RPR isn't a substitute for an RL community of support, but we do our best anyway. Please don't be worried about making personal threads and requests for advice like this.

Again, thank you all so much for all the advice! I love RPR so much, words cannot describe it.

It's only been a day, but I can feel myself starting to discover myself more and more, and I've told a few of my friends, and actually, a few who I thought would be disgusted were actually proud of me, and they said it would take some time, but they understood and were willing to accept it since it was me.

I was so happy!!

And the accepting friends are thankfully still in the picture! I told of a few of them too, but I'm keeping the numbers very low because it's likely I won't come to a decision for a long time yet, I'm sure of that now.

Again, thank you all so much for the advice, and I will most likely update my situation, if you all wouldn't mind! It couldn't hurt jotting down my experiences, right?

In answer to your final question: no, it's never too much to ask to just be yourself and do what you need to so you can feel comfortable. If people have an issue with that, then it's best to not even talk to them. However, we're talking about your parents here, and you can't not talk to them. They're still your main support system until you grow old enough to move out on your own. Which is rough, I know; I've been there with an unsupportive mother myself when I was finding out who I was too.

The only advice I can offer is: do your best to be as honest as possible, even if it hurts. If you can't be honest with your folks, then be honest with your friends. You're being honest with us, so that's a very good start. I know it's a scary journey, but you're never alone. I hope everyone's advice has been more than helpful to you. But I'm here to give a simple word of encouragement: It's more than okay to be you! You are you, after all. And if you don't know who you are just yet, then that's okay too. You have an entire lifetime to figure it all out.

And you wanna know a secret? I was young too when I first began my discovery. Thirteen, to be more precise. I went from being a cisgender lesbian in my tweens, to putting my foot firmly into identifying as a polyamorous, bi/pansexual, bigender person. Like most people have said, gender is more fluid than anyone would think. But I know that you can find your own answer. We're just here to help support you in any way we can.

EDIT: I would love to hear more about your experiences. It's always good to keep a sort of journal or progress update, just to see how much you've grown and show others too! But that's only if the mods allow such a thing. I know that some people keep a progress report or mini-journal on their profiles, so maybe that might work? Up to you!

Hiya!

I know it's been a while since I created this thread and got a TON of amazing advice, but I've decided to do a quick update!!

I am now officially going by male pronouns, and my new trans male name, Ashir!!
I have come out to a bunch if my friends, and they're all really supportive! Other than my mum, I haven't found nie single hater, which is incredible!!
I accidentally came out to my mum when I was explaining why I'd been so stressed, and she brutally reminded me that I was "(her) daughter, not (her) son" but it's okay, because you know what? I don't mind! She can think what she wants to think! I honestly don't care anymore!
My dad doesn't know yet, purely because he has his wedding to my stepmom coming up next month, so I'm deciding to stay in the closet for a tad longer, just so ease things out a little.

I'm wearing a binder as I write this!!

I came out to someone close to me, and they came out as gender fluid, so they ordered us binders!
Best thing that's ever happened to me, I'm gonna admit.
I'm being safe with it, I promise!!

Everything's going so well right now! I'm hopefully going to be able to get to some gender therapy soon!

I've also become a lot more patient with the whole thing! It's amazing!


Thank you everyone who gave me advice, it really, really helped me out.