Forums » Smalltalk » Advice? (LGBTQ+)

I'm so happy for you, and I am glad that you are able to bear the challenges in spite of everything.

I hope your mother sees her error one day. When you are an independent that will become easier. There will come a day where your relationship with her will be optional, and she can either accept her son or lose her child either way.

Until then, I wish you fortune and fortitude. Your friend, I'm sure, will be a great blessing while you grow.

I'd love to agree with you... But, I kinda have to side with the parents on this. Not saying that your not transgender or whatever. But you must listen to your parents. All they are trying to do is help you. Saying that you were not born the correct gender is a huge thing to do. Not to mention the impact on your life. Things will never be the same. I've always thought I was straight, male, and that I was destined to become like a meathead that you see on T.V. That changed though. From some... I'm going to call it the incident, I became gay for a while. I found myself talking to guys, and soon dating one as well. But though that, I found out that, maybe I wasn't born correctly as well. Maybe I was supposed to be a girl. Turns out I was wrong. My parents, mainly my mother, found out was so mad at me. I had never seen them that mad before. They made my life hell for those few weeks, and every day they say, "We are doing this because we love you."
I'm not sure if its the same with your parents. But I know my parents saved me from, probably the biggest mistake of my life. Now, I know I am a guy, I am straight, and that I can be everything I want to be. I mean, I am stronger then when I was before, I am a huge anime nerd, tech smarts. I am everywhere of what a kid can be.

So... To let me say. You may think, you were born wrong. I will not care about what you are after, and I am sure others if they truly do love you, will still see you as human too, and if your parents do love you as well, they will do the same. But as I said, changing gender is the most life-changing thing you can ever do to yourself. Heck, even doctors won't let you change genders until you dress up as the gender you want to be for a few years. You can hate your parents now, and you can hate them forever. But you should know this, no matter what they do, no matter what they say. They still will love you for who you are, and you will always be their child...


Or you know, they don't like you. If that does happen, which I highly doubt that will, you will still have friends right? No matter what, there will always be someone who loves you, and they will be by your side, to make sure you're safe.

I really hope this does help, and please don't take this in any way offensive, I've been known to be a little, blind to emotions and how people feel. ^-^'

It sounds like your parents rejected your identity and orientation, and took steps to convince you to reject them too.

Have I misunderstood?

Apologies, I don't mean to join in with derailing the thread, but hey, this post is like... a little worrying.

CB, I'm sorry to read that when you tried to explore your identity, your parents rejected these efforts. It might be out of line to say so, but "making your life hell for a few weeks" doesn't sound like an act of love; it sounds like a traumatic event that had a profound effect on you and that overwhelmed your attempts to understand yourself.

Something it's important to understand is that people can "love" you and still hurt you very badly. Even if it isn't their INTENTION to cause harm, when they hurt you, the pain is real. Their intentions are not relevant to the end result. If a person hurts you, you don't have to accept it, even if they are your family. You can distance yourself from them and from the harm they have caused; being healthy and safe is your right.

Another important thing to understand is that even when people say they have your best intentions at heart, their idea of what's "best" might be very different from something that will actually help you. What they think is best could hurt you mentally or emotionally, and sometimes even physically. If a person tries to force you to do something you know is not best for you, you don't have to accept it, even if the person is family. As long as you are not hurting anybody else, you can pursue your own truth; expressing yourself is your right.

Again, apologies. It's hard not to respond to things like this.

interrupting! Its fine. My parents putting my through hell wasn't as bad as it sounds. Though yes I do Remeber it being horrible, I do honestly think it was for the better. I might have forgotten to say that I was still dating boys during that time. ^-^' But during that, I came to find out that im not gay or bi. I am straight through and through, and that I am a boy. So trust me, this isn't as bad as you think. I've got worst things going in my head then my preference and gender.

Ok! Back to Duckling's cause! Give all da love you can!
*RAINBOWS!*

I usually wouldn't respond back to this, but I wanted to, so you know what, why the hell not??

Okay, CB, your opinion on the matters were actually very appreciated, and I know you meant well and you shared your side and opinion on it, but I have to disagree with your disagreement

Relating to what MainlyPango said, that is basically my situation. My mother has grown quite mentally abusive, and almost physical at points, but I prefer not to delve much onto that subject. Let's just say, the pain she causes me hurts so much I can barely even talk about her.

Back to CB's post; I know everything I can right now about this transition I'm planning on taking. I know the risks, I know I can't go back, and I know the requirements. I've been researching non stop, and if that isn't enough proof that I'm very determined about my decision, there's the fact that I'm literally screaming at the body I'm inside. It's like I'm in a shell, wanting to break free. No- NEEDING to break free, and I finally have the option to do so!

I was quite... Well, to put it gently, unintelligent on the topic I was writing about when I first posted this, but let me just say how much I've learned through this incredible adventure, even if it has been mere months. I promise you, this is what I want. This is what I need to be myself.

CB, from what you wrote, your experiences with exploring yourself honestly sounds quite traumatic. I understand that some parents do what they did with you out of 'love', but I always think that is parents love you, they want you to be happy, and not have this image in their head of a perfect child and try to shape you and transform you into that image. I feel bad for you, actually. Very, very bad. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that, even if you do think you ended out fine in the end. But I'm glad you're alright now, I guess!

This was actually quite a helpful discussion, I appreciate people commenting on it!!

I'm so glad to hear about your journey going well, Duckling!! Thanks so much for the update, I've been wondering about this just last week.

I understand that this a mindset a lot of people have. 'They're your family! They love you! Give them another chance.'

While said with good intentions, this mindset can also be devastatingly toxic and legitimately cause harm. Not every parent loves their child, no matter how much we want them to. People being told repeatedly they should embrace toxic behavior from parents 'because they're your parents' can make it more difficult to deal with mental (and sometimes physical) abuse and escape the situation.

Obviously cutting ties at the first hint of disagreement is not what I'm suggesting, but if someone experiences repeated toxic, abusive behavior from family, they have the right to distance themselves from that situation, even if it means stopping all contact or refusing to acknowledge their existence anymore. That's not a bad thing if it means they're putting their own well being first! Please let's not discourage people from handling toxic situations in a good way just because they're blood related to people who are causing them harm, whether the harm was intentional or not.

Whoa.

While figuring out your gender and orientation will change your life if it isn't what you were originally taught, and I'm sure many do consider it the biggest thing in their lives... that's only because it's so stigmatized. It shouldn't be a big deal, and making mistakes while figuring it out shouldn't be any bigger an issue than realizing that haircut or those glasses frames or whatever that you insisted on getting looked like garbage on you. It certainly shouldn't be your biggest mistake.

I've seen discussions about mistakes like that plenty in asexual communities. People will be sure they're one thing, then something in their brain will change or they'll realize something else makes sense. And that's okay. Yes, surgery for gender stuff can't be done lightly, and it's not. There are numerous things in the way, and it's not likely for someone to get through all of it without being sure. Instead, it mostly just blocks those who are sure and lack resources.

Parents are human. Humans are fallible, and everyone has different ideas about how kids should be raised. Some spank, some don't. Some demand their kids maintain perfect grades, some push their kids into hobbies they might have no interest in, some are outright abusive.

I know the my parents love me and my brothers. I know they did their best. Yet I still ended up emotionally stunted in some ways from their decisions, and my little brother has to hide being bi because dad told us both he'd disown him if he was anything but a straight, cisgendered guy.

I'm going to ignore what other people have said because I'm old, crotchety and opinionated in this way. Sorry if this repeats everything you've said.

From the moment I encountered the term "gender fluid", it felt right to me, because there was no way I was transgender. It just did not compute that I might straight up not be a girl. I certainly still liked certain feminine thing (still do), but being transgender was 1. not an option for me, 2. not something that I could ever conform to.

These last two years (just about to hit the anniversary!) have been really enlightening for me. I worried for a while I would start my transition and then look back and want to be a girl again. I look back on when I was a little girl (personal choice, I know not everyone thinks of themselves as two separate identities and that's okay!) and I remember saying and doing things that feel obvious now but weren't.

I'm not going to tell you one way or another how to identify, but even if this is a phase in your life, it isn't a phase. Gender is a hard part of life to navigate if you're even slightly uncertain. There are people who have spent lifetimes hiding who they are and are only just now coming out. There are people from communities where this sort of thing would get them hurt and they have hidden it. There are people from supportive places and families who hide who they are. There are people who risk everything to come out. There are old people who are finally saying, "Screw you, this is who I was my entire life!". Where I life just passed a law to be able to change birth certificate markers at any age, including removing them. I just saw people in their 40's coming out as non-binary.

Gender is hard, man. I'm 29, came out at 27 and I can tell you it was the best, scariest, weirdest moments of my life. Still is. I grew up in a small city where there is practically a church on every corner. I got the crap beaten out of me for wearing black lipstick once because I was a "devil worshipper."

I grew up when it was still widely accepted that trans people were "originally" homosexual and that was still a marker for starting the transition in some places. It still is in some places, but things are changing because we're starting to see that gender and sexuality do not go hand in hand. There are certain things that make a person a person and gender is a part of that, but it doesn't define who you are entirely.

When I came out, I wasn't going to be one of those "look at me" transgender people. The thing is that I don't ask to be, other people make me that. I've embraced it because otherwise, I would be going insane. I'm currently the only out transgender person in my college. I've changed and informed a lot of minds just by being there.

If you do decide that "Yes, this is who I am!", that's awesome! That's the coolest! If you decide "Actually, I am non-binary. That feels better." That's awesome! That's the coolest!

Gender is hard, and no matter what steps you take or don't, there will always be people supporting you. The nice thing about being around today is that the internet is full of people whose stories and wisdom can help you - and soon you can do that too, no matter what happens.

(Side note to parents: my mom was not as supportive as she first thought, but now she asks before she deadnames me on facebook, she addresses things to "my favourite son," and writes in the note area for any cheques "for LOGAN" because my name hasn't been legally changed yet. Parents don't always support, but sometimes they come around.)