Hey, so I made a suggestion to have a section of forums for this, but if it does get made it'll take a while, so for now I'm making this.
Firstly, I'll tell you the basic basic rules. It doesn't have to be the character above you.
Write a critique for any character that posts one, but it would be preferred if you did one for the most recent posters. If you don't want to be critiqued yourself, post as your regular account. And when you've already had enough advice, just edit your comment and make it posted as you. Or put in red that you don't want anymore.
You can ask for specific things critiqued, such as only personality, only history, etc. And you don't have to post a critique to be critiqued yourself.
Now, rules on critquing.
*Good critiques. Write them well and put thought into it, please don't post a critique if you can't do that.
*Polite. Be honest, but don't be a jerk.
*Proper critiques. Don't critique them for things that aren't problems - such as the universe they are in, or if they happen to have things you don't like but really aren't problems.
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Accept the fact that you post here at your own risk. The person might be a jerk, it's true. If you're sensitive to that, I suggest you don't participate.
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I'd like to start with Matilda's history. I believe it may seem to sob story-ish and not well written.
Firstly, I'll tell you the basic basic rules. It doesn't have to be the character above you.
Write a critique for any character that posts one, but it would be preferred if you did one for the most recent posters. If you don't want to be critiqued yourself, post as your regular account. And when you've already had enough advice, just edit your comment and make it posted as you. Or put in red that you don't want anymore.
You can ask for specific things critiqued, such as only personality, only history, etc. And you don't have to post a critique to be critiqued yourself.
Now, rules on critquing.
*Good critiques. Write them well and put thought into it, please don't post a critique if you can't do that.
*Polite. Be honest, but don't be a jerk.
*Proper critiques. Don't critique them for things that aren't problems - such as the universe they are in, or if they happen to have things you don't like but really aren't problems.
_____________________________________
Accept the fact that you post here at your own risk. The person might be a jerk, it's true. If you're sensitive to that, I suggest you don't participate.
_____________________________________
I'd like to start with Matilda's history. I believe it may seem to sob story-ish and not well written.
((So we criticize the character above us?))
((Critique, you can also point out good points if you wish, but I mostly just want others opinions on her history))
let me take a looksee.
I'm working on fleshing out some character bios atm too, and ooo it's a lot of work.
I'd love some feedback on well, just about any of the ones who don't have pages of their own (the "Mages", "vampires" and "modern fantasy" groups)
But let me read your girl's history and see what's what.
I'm working on fleshing out some character bios atm too, and ooo it's a lot of work.
I'd love some feedback on well, just about any of the ones who don't have pages of their own (the "Mages", "vampires" and "modern fantasy" groups)
But let me read your girl's history and see what's what.
Right, okay,
I don't think it's too "sob story" because honestly the amount of angst that most characters in rps get shoved on em, it's kinda part of the hobby it seems.
Anyway, some critique:
I would be inclined to make it clear how old she was with the first attempt, because the last time her age is mentioned she's 10 and then she's a teenager (I THINK?). Making that clear would be awesome.
I'm not too sure how joint custody is "spiteful" unless the dad wanted full custody or didn't want any custody at all. Surely it'd be more spiteful to take full custody of the daughter and deny him access? So maybe have it that the judge rules this and her mother is livid.
As for her parents, it might be worth fleshing them out slightly more so their actions make sense, if only to them. Like, her father loves his daughter but has no idea how to help her and works full time. Her mother is hurting herself and still very angry so can't see beyond her own pain (depression does that to people). It'd make the parents more human, while still being horrible awful people.
How'd she meet Caleb? Maybe flesh that out slightly so he's less randomly appearing?
It only needs a line or two about meeting this class mate who's nice to her and soon they end up dating.
There's a line here where the boy changes gender lol. "she" instead of "he", typo.
His statement to her would be clearer to read "I only asked you out because I felt sorry for you" rather than "did it" given the previous line talks about him not wanting to talk to her anymore. That's just a nitpicky sentence structure thing.
It might also be worth making clear how long she spends at each parent's place, is it a week there, a week at the other or is it monthly or what?
And maybe talk about how that constant upheaval makes it very difficult for her to feel like she belongs? I mean, when my parents split up I remember how much I hated staying at my dad's place because it wasn't HOME, it was just.. his place and nothing there was mine. I imagine if you're living part time in two places it must always feel like you're never quite home you know?
Did she take a knife in to school? That whole bit is a little unclear about where it takes place. I thought she was at home again honestly, because i'm simply not convinced you could, in this day and age, smuggle a weapon into a school that easily. It might be worth making it a pen knife or something smaller and more easily concealed, because a giant kitchen knife is really not gonna be that easy to hide. While the UK and Ireland may not search kid's bags, it's still a pretty bulky thing to sneak in.
And as for getting expelled, it's worth actually looking into the mental health care system because an attempt like that, coupled with assault on another student would get police involved, along with social services. She wouldn't just be allowed to go home after stabbing someone and taking a weapon into school. It's likely she might even, if they found out what she was planning, have her sectioned. This would involve being sent to a hospital to be observed and looked after until such a point as they thought she was "better". Even if they didn't section her, they'd have social services and some sort of counciller involved at this point and the boy would have to specifically state he didn't want to press charges. Now, this could be woven in, have her parents argue with the boy's parents over the whole mess, more arguments, more things that the girl feels are "her fault", more guilt, more anguish, more hurt.
Certainly it's worth looking into the consequences for that final action and what sort of interventions that would put in place and how that would be impacting her life and her parent's life at this point.
Sadly, often social services getting involved DOES make things worse. They mean well but they are quite intrusive. Whether she sees them as being on her side or yet another meddling adult trying to control her, well, yeah...
A little refinement needed but I don't think you have to worry about things being "too angsty", you just need a teeny bit more detail and you'll be good.
I don't think it's too "sob story" because honestly the amount of angst that most characters in rps get shoved on em, it's kinda part of the hobby it seems.
Anyway, some critique:
I would be inclined to make it clear how old she was with the first attempt, because the last time her age is mentioned she's 10 and then she's a teenager (I THINK?). Making that clear would be awesome.
I'm not too sure how joint custody is "spiteful" unless the dad wanted full custody or didn't want any custody at all. Surely it'd be more spiteful to take full custody of the daughter and deny him access? So maybe have it that the judge rules this and her mother is livid.
As for her parents, it might be worth fleshing them out slightly more so their actions make sense, if only to them. Like, her father loves his daughter but has no idea how to help her and works full time. Her mother is hurting herself and still very angry so can't see beyond her own pain (depression does that to people). It'd make the parents more human, while still being horrible awful people.
How'd she meet Caleb? Maybe flesh that out slightly so he's less randomly appearing?
It only needs a line or two about meeting this class mate who's nice to her and soon they end up dating.
There's a line here where the boy changes gender lol. "she" instead of "he", typo.
His statement to her would be clearer to read "I only asked you out because I felt sorry for you" rather than "did it" given the previous line talks about him not wanting to talk to her anymore. That's just a nitpicky sentence structure thing.
It might also be worth making clear how long she spends at each parent's place, is it a week there, a week at the other or is it monthly or what?
And maybe talk about how that constant upheaval makes it very difficult for her to feel like she belongs? I mean, when my parents split up I remember how much I hated staying at my dad's place because it wasn't HOME, it was just.. his place and nothing there was mine. I imagine if you're living part time in two places it must always feel like you're never quite home you know?
Did she take a knife in to school? That whole bit is a little unclear about where it takes place. I thought she was at home again honestly, because i'm simply not convinced you could, in this day and age, smuggle a weapon into a school that easily. It might be worth making it a pen knife or something smaller and more easily concealed, because a giant kitchen knife is really not gonna be that easy to hide. While the UK and Ireland may not search kid's bags, it's still a pretty bulky thing to sneak in.
And as for getting expelled, it's worth actually looking into the mental health care system because an attempt like that, coupled with assault on another student would get police involved, along with social services. She wouldn't just be allowed to go home after stabbing someone and taking a weapon into school. It's likely she might even, if they found out what she was planning, have her sectioned. This would involve being sent to a hospital to be observed and looked after until such a point as they thought she was "better". Even if they didn't section her, they'd have social services and some sort of counciller involved at this point and the boy would have to specifically state he didn't want to press charges. Now, this could be woven in, have her parents argue with the boy's parents over the whole mess, more arguments, more things that the girl feels are "her fault", more guilt, more anguish, more hurt.
Certainly it's worth looking into the consequences for that final action and what sort of interventions that would put in place and how that would be impacting her life and her parent's life at this point.
Sadly, often social services getting involved DOES make things worse. They mean well but they are quite intrusive. Whether she sees them as being on her side or yet another meddling adult trying to control her, well, yeah...
A little refinement needed but I don't think you have to worry about things being "too angsty", you just need a teeny bit more detail and you'll be good.
Okay, thanks! I really appreciate it, and I'll start working on her history some more.
Can someone do a critique of Aekra's personality and past? I want to see what people think o can improve
Looking over your history, Kitten, I see a lot of problems, at least in my opinion.
First is the suicide note. How old was Dyson when she wrote that? It's way too wordy for a typical suicide note, especially for a teenager. Secondly, where'd the boyfriend come from? He just appeared, and the term "went and got a boyfriend," sounded like Dyson picked him up from a store. The random drifting away wasn't explained for either friend, and the term "big trouble" is meaningless.
There were some good ideas, but the execution was flawed.
First is the suicide note. How old was Dyson when she wrote that? It's way too wordy for a typical suicide note, especially for a teenager. Secondly, where'd the boyfriend come from? He just appeared, and the term "went and got a boyfriend," sounded like Dyson picked him up from a store. The random drifting away wasn't explained for either friend, and the term "big trouble" is meaningless.
There were some good ideas, but the execution was flawed.
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