Hello there, everyone! This is a story that I just pulled out of my heck-hole of a brain, and I would like some opinions on it, okay? Okay! Thanks! 
Here goes....
Lia sighed longingly as she sheathed her dagger, looking down at her heavily chewed fingernails. Today had been great, but when would she be able to see Zac again?.... She frowned and looked up from her lap and to the early summer's sunset, her eyes starting to tear up slightly. She gently wiped the tears away, her heart yearning to be with the one she loved once more. Her eyes were suddenly drawn towards a comet streaming across the sky, or at least that's what it seemed like... But as the so-called comet drew closer, it was obvious that it was.... It was..... Zac? Lia leaped up to her feet, running along the cliff's ledge so as to follow the path that Zac was taking as he hurtled down to the ground.
This is just a WIP, so please don't judge it quite yet, okay? Okay! Thanks!
Here goes....Lia sighed longingly as she sheathed her dagger, looking down at her heavily chewed fingernails. Today had been great, but when would she be able to see Zac again?.... She frowned and looked up from her lap and to the early summer's sunset, her eyes starting to tear up slightly. She gently wiped the tears away, her heart yearning to be with the one she loved once more. Her eyes were suddenly drawn towards a comet streaming across the sky, or at least that's what it seemed like... But as the so-called comet drew closer, it was obvious that it was.... It was..... Zac? Lia leaped up to her feet, running along the cliff's ledge so as to follow the path that Zac was taking as he hurtled down to the ground.
This is just a WIP, so please don't judge it quite yet, okay? Okay! Thanks!
You have potential, that I can say. However, you might want to correct a bit of your grammar. Ooh, and please don't overuse the "." I'd say use it only once, but (I think) using it three times is alright.
Overall, it's good. Mind giving me the full sample when you're done?
((I'm sugarcoating this. If you want, I'll be critical.))
Overall, it's good. Mind giving me the full sample when you're done?
((I'm sugarcoating this. If you want, I'll be critical.))
Thanks! But... What grammatical errors did I make? Please do tell me!
As a general rule, try to avoid using 'ly' words.
'Lia sighed longingly' is an example of telling instead of showing, which is another thing you should use in moderation. Writing is far more engaging when it shows the reader what's going on inside a character's mind. So for example, you could replace 'Lia sighed longingly' with something like, 'Lia drew a deep sigh, shoulders sinking, head falling forwards as she gazed down at her heavily chewed fingernails.'
You don't need to say that she's longing after Zac because you make that clear later on. Instead, try to use action to convey emotion.
What you've got so far is really interesting! Makes me want to know more.
'Lia sighed longingly' is an example of telling instead of showing, which is another thing you should use in moderation. Writing is far more engaging when it shows the reader what's going on inside a character's mind. So for example, you could replace 'Lia sighed longingly' with something like, 'Lia drew a deep sigh, shoulders sinking, head falling forwards as she gazed down at her heavily chewed fingernails.'
You don't need to say that she's longing after Zac because you make that clear later on. Instead, try to use action to convey emotion.
What you've got so far is really interesting! Makes me want to know more.
Thank you! I'm taking all of you guys's opinions into consideration, and I'll be sure to update my WIP!
Nice! Also, reading your work out loud really helps - especially when proofreading.
Indeed, and thank you!
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