Forums » Smalltalk » Hello! I have a dilemma. OOC

Okay. So.. at my job there is a lot of drama at my job and one of them is that I know there are several people cheating on their lovers. It literally breaks my heart for stuff like this.

So.. there are 3 people involved. I will just number them 1 and 2. Those two are the engaged couple and 3 is the one who is.. you know.

So, the male 1 is.. engaged to his amazing fiancee, 2. They have been dating since they were freshman in highschool and have recently gotten engaged. So I believe they have been dating for about 6 years at this point. I recently learned that 1 is cheating on his fiancee with 3. The two love to exchange photos obviously not with clothes on and at work, 1, loves to talk so much bad shit about his fiancee. I have gotten to meet his girl and she is a wonderful person. 3 has also gotten to meet his fiancee and she is okay with having this guy cheat on his fiancee with her. The two don't care whatsoever.

I would really like to talk to 2 about this because if she finds out in any other way, she will be so humiliated and heart broken. I don't want this to go on for a long time and they get married and it still happens.

WHAT SHOULD I DO!?!?!?

What are the potential downsides of talking to 2, and telling her?

If not wanting to get caught, a note would be one way to go.

I think you have to tell her.

Mention something to HR, if it has come up explicitly at work? Even if what they do outside of work isn't necessarily under HR's job description, at least what they do on the job is if it can impact on performance.

I typically advise against meddling in other people's affairs, but cheating is a serious thing.

At this point, 1 cannot be trusted not to cheat on 2 once they're married if he's already doing it right now. She's going to find out sooner or later, and if she finds out after marriage, it will be so much harder for her to get out because of the legalities involved.

Her heart is going to be broken one way or another. Telling her now will prevent a lot of unnecessary complications down the line though. If nothing else, she has the basic human right to decide whether or not she wants to marry him knowing he cheated on her.

If you find it difficult to tell her yourself, you can write an anonymous note and leave it for her to find.

I think it's important to stay as neutral and stick to the facts as possible. She will need a friend to comfort her obviously, but the message doesn't have to be emotionally charged to add to her feelings. I would say or write something like this no matter how you decide to tell her:

"I just wanted to let you know I caught 1 cheating on you with 3. They have exchanged nude pictures and 3 is aware that 1 is cheating on you. I'm really sorry, I thought you deserved to know before you marry him."

I don't know anything about anyone in this hypothetical situation. But I do know that if it were me, I would want to know, and well before the wedding. That said, since it's at your job, be careful not to put yourself in a position where you may end up harassed or fired at work. The anonymous note might be the way to go if you decide to get involved.

I saw the best way is note but don't make it forward going "your husband cheat" they'll just depend it by husband

Absolutely this right here.

I can only echo what has been said, as like others I only know what you have divulged here, but put yourself in her shoes. This would be absolutely devastating. I believe she has a right to know, but at the same time, trying to keep yourself neutral, since this does involve the workplace would be best.

I saw that HR was mentioned, but I believe the only way that HR could be involved is that the man and the woman that he is having the affair or cheating on with (whichever terminology you prefer) are disturbing the workplace. That's sort of where their responsibility ends. Seeing nudes of people on their phones in the workplace environment is definitely a major no-no. But past that, I don't see how they could be involved to break the news.

Another thing that is somewhat 'dangerous' territory, is that if you do break it to her and you two are not close, she may ask for proof and get defensive of the very man who is cheating on her. She is in love with him. Or, you may find that she has been having suspicions, but always err on the side of caution.

If you have lockers at work, perhaps slip a note in there. Tell her that you mean her no harm but that you cannot see her potentially walk down the aisle not knowing, and of course, this goes without saying, but you have no need to sign off on the note if you don't want to.

Again though, as Sanne has said, if she does choose to go forward in marrying him despite knowing, then it will be her call, and he may very well continue on this dalliance with this other woman. At that point, it will be whether you want to keep being a witness to it.

All the best to you in this situation.

We all need some help and sometimes, people we don't know so well, can be our saving grace. I advise either telling 2 outside of workplace or an anonymous note. I suggest you keep an eye out on 2 if she finds out. I'm so angry that this is my third time writing this response and it's so hard not to be subjective about this situation, so I am going to end it here. Better to prevent them from getting married and eventually have kids if a man isn't capable of controlling his urges. Disgusting.

Sweet, that's pretty messed up.

Everyone's advice so far has mostly been good, but I'd like to stress that for something this serious, evidence isn't optional. (Someone as amazing as you say won't leave her high school sweetheart over an anonymous tip.) Having a heart sucks sometimes, but be patient until you have proof to make a case beyond doubt, anything less might make it harder for her to make the right call and you wouldn't want that.

Be proud that you won't be complicit in this, but as was said, respect whatever her decision may be; it's her life, and if everyone around her is really this awful, there's a chance she already knows. Good luck.