Dunedain-Ranger wrote:
Aw, what the fvck...
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?`
When my 2nd girlfriend broke up with me. It was like what Humphrey Bobart said on the movie Casablanca...
"I remember the wow finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out." Yeah, I felt like that.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
When mom died in 2015.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
I look to my bestest friend in the whole world sitting across from me.
4. Are you lonely right now?
No
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
My bestest friend in the whole world.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
I seem to slap the headphones on and listen to Faun or Ali Azam. It soothes me.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Don't know if I have one. Seems to be different each time.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
Nuclear destruction of the world. Sure I can talk about it, but it's always been a constant in my life and talking about it won't change anything.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Smoke a half-lid.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not so much anymore. My dreams can't seem to come up with anything worse than reality.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My bestest friend in the whole world.
12. One regret?
I have many to choose from. Can't seem to decide on one to mention.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My dad. I wish I was more like him.
14. One thing you wish?
World Peace
15. Virtual hugs?
Sure. They never hurt.
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?`
When my 2nd girlfriend broke up with me. It was like what Humphrey Bobart said on the movie Casablanca...
"I remember the wow finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out." Yeah, I felt like that.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
When mom died in 2015.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
I look to my bestest friend in the whole world sitting across from me.
4. Are you lonely right now?
No
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
My bestest friend in the whole world.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
I seem to slap the headphones on and listen to Faun or Ali Azam. It soothes me.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Don't know if I have one. Seems to be different each time.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
Nuclear destruction of the world. Sure I can talk about it, but it's always been a constant in my life and talking about it won't change anything.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Smoke a half-lid.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not so much anymore. My dreams can't seem to come up with anything worse than reality.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My bestest friend in the whole world.
12. One regret?
I have many to choose from. Can't seem to decide on one to mention.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My dad. I wish I was more like him.
14. One thing you wish?
World Peace
15. Virtual hugs?
Sure. They never hurt.
Awww. *Hugs!*
And much of this made me smile.
"Nuclear destruction of the whole world"
"bestest friend in the whole world"
i'm cracking up over here. Love it.Sorry to hear that your mom passed. I'm not looking forward to the moment that happens...my mom's 81 rn.
And sorry to hear about the second girlfriend--but more sorry for her than for you! Because it seems to me that she was the one who lost out! Especially if she happens to be the kind of person who likes romantic Lord of the Rings-based fan fiction. Cause you sure can write the heck out of some romantic Lord of the Rings shizzz. I'm just saying. You and Ladyofgondor. *Sigh* And Skrifa. I'm a fan!
Anyway... Thank you for filling out my survey!!!
psoliver wrote:
honestly i did this but i didn’t talk about anything people dom’t already know about me and any time i try to talk about my feelings i just make it very shallow and make jokes to make it easier for myself but that’s probably my problem because it’s so hard for me to be genuinely vulnerable so
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
abusive stepdad that had me trying to kill myself multiple times when i was ten years old. when my mom broke up with him he beat her and then stalked us to the point my grandpa had to come sleep on the couch with a shotgun. and when i say this hurt me deeply, i mean that this literally ruined my life and i would be a completely different person if it didn’t happen. so. it’s this old pain i wish i was just numb to by now but. yeah. i still have to see/hear him because he’s my youngest sisters dad and every time he comes over it results in me having panic attacks and crying while hiding in my room which, like, makes me think of the cycle i’ll describe in the next question and then i feel even Worse.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
i still think it’s rhe marching band thing i mentioned in the other post. it’s really hard for me to cry because one of the things my stepdad did was make fun of me and berate me until i cried, and then screamed at me for being too sensitive and crying a lot and then threaten to beat me until he had me lock myself in my room away from everyone. i can’t really cry in front of people without having an actual panic attack over it and any time i do cry it’s short and i force it to be silent because that’s the only way i know how to cry.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
my brother is really good at distracting me from my own nonsense and making me feel better. i also like going to my dad but he’s really emotional and open about his feelings so we usually end up having deep conversations one or both of us end up crying over.
4. Are you lonely right now?
still, eh. i’m reconnecting with my friends and generally feel kinda great right now but part of me craves a relationship but another part of me can’t stand the idea so i fulfill it through ships and romantic roleplays i guess.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
again, my brother or my dad.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
music doesn’t really help my anxiety, so i just listen to anything.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
the antlers. hospice especially is really relatable to me and touched me in ways i don’t even really know how to describe.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
everything but specifically the fact i’m trans and i’m terrified to come out to my family and then just trying to make it through life as a trans person.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
medication is the only thing that helped me. they can’t prescribe me xanax because i’m a minor but i feel like i’m definitely going to be prescribed xanax as an adult and i’m terrified of being addicted to it because i feel like i just won’t be able to stop taking it.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
i talked about them a little bit in my last post but i have a lot of nightmares about my stepdad where i either wake up crying or..not screaming but almost. a lot of them are just me screaming at him that he ruined my life but i feel like i just can’t get loud enough and he won’t hear me.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
my brother and sisters, my dad, my mom, my friends, and Cats. i feel really close to my cat rocky because as dumb as it sounds he was with me through my big suicidal breakdown last year. he got really sick around that time so we both just felt terrible together.
12. One regret?
i have no idea if this counts as pg13-ish so, like, feel free to completely remove this if it’s not @mods. anyways, i really regret having sex when i was 15. i was only with that person for two months and then basically immediately after they started treating terribly. i’m over that part and i know virginity is just a social construct but i still wish i like..saved it for someone i actually love. i blame this + a really intense emotionally abusive relationship for the fact that dating is so hard for me. so i guess i’m not actually as over it as i said i was.
13. One thing you're proud of?
i didn’t actually kill myself any of the 50000000 times i tried.
14. One thing you wish?
i wish my anxiety and depression would just go away. they’ve stopped me from doing so much.
15. Virtual hugs?
nah, not really a hug person, but thank u
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
abusive stepdad that had me trying to kill myself multiple times when i was ten years old. when my mom broke up with him he beat her and then stalked us to the point my grandpa had to come sleep on the couch with a shotgun. and when i say this hurt me deeply, i mean that this literally ruined my life and i would be a completely different person if it didn’t happen. so. it’s this old pain i wish i was just numb to by now but. yeah. i still have to see/hear him because he’s my youngest sisters dad and every time he comes over it results in me having panic attacks and crying while hiding in my room which, like, makes me think of the cycle i’ll describe in the next question and then i feel even Worse.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
i still think it’s rhe marching band thing i mentioned in the other post. it’s really hard for me to cry because one of the things my stepdad did was make fun of me and berate me until i cried, and then screamed at me for being too sensitive and crying a lot and then threaten to beat me until he had me lock myself in my room away from everyone. i can’t really cry in front of people without having an actual panic attack over it and any time i do cry it’s short and i force it to be silent because that’s the only way i know how to cry.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
my brother is really good at distracting me from my own nonsense and making me feel better. i also like going to my dad but he’s really emotional and open about his feelings so we usually end up having deep conversations one or both of us end up crying over.
4. Are you lonely right now?
still, eh. i’m reconnecting with my friends and generally feel kinda great right now but part of me craves a relationship but another part of me can’t stand the idea so i fulfill it through ships and romantic roleplays i guess.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
again, my brother or my dad.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
music doesn’t really help my anxiety, so i just listen to anything.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
the antlers. hospice especially is really relatable to me and touched me in ways i don’t even really know how to describe.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
everything but specifically the fact i’m trans and i’m terrified to come out to my family and then just trying to make it through life as a trans person.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
medication is the only thing that helped me. they can’t prescribe me xanax because i’m a minor but i feel like i’m definitely going to be prescribed xanax as an adult and i’m terrified of being addicted to it because i feel like i just won’t be able to stop taking it.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
i talked about them a little bit in my last post but i have a lot of nightmares about my stepdad where i either wake up crying or..not screaming but almost. a lot of them are just me screaming at him that he ruined my life but i feel like i just can’t get loud enough and he won’t hear me.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
my brother and sisters, my dad, my mom, my friends, and Cats. i feel really close to my cat rocky because as dumb as it sounds he was with me through my big suicidal breakdown last year. he got really sick around that time so we both just felt terrible together.
12. One regret?
i have no idea if this counts as pg13-ish so, like, feel free to completely remove this if it’s not @mods. anyways, i really regret having sex when i was 15. i was only with that person for two months and then basically immediately after they started treating terribly. i’m over that part and i know virginity is just a social construct but i still wish i like..saved it for someone i actually love. i blame this + a really intense emotionally abusive relationship for the fact that dating is so hard for me. so i guess i’m not actually as over it as i said i was.
13. One thing you're proud of?
i didn’t actually kill myself any of the 50000000 times i tried.
14. One thing you wish?
i wish my anxiety and depression would just go away. they’ve stopped me from doing so much.
15. Virtual hugs?
nah, not really a hug person, but thank u
First of all, I want to say that I read your tarot reading thread sometimes and I think it's incredible. I have prophetic dreams happen to me sometimes and just prophecies (just words, poems, or scriptures) that come into my head for people sometimes (at least I think they do), and so I know what that feels like. Sort of. A little bit. And I like your descriptions of the cards. Not only do I think it's cool that you have that gift, it warms my heart the way you use it. Like...the compassion you use to explain what the cards are saying to people. The "no judgement zone" line and the intention with which the advice is given. I can tell that you're trying to help. Your good intentions shine through. In a way, it's like your ministering to those people.
It's amazing to me how deep pain can lead to deep empathy for people who are going through something. I don't know why things happen, but I do know that you seem to have a great empathy and sensitivity to people's problems and what they might need to do. It's a beautiful thing.
One time I was on a greyhound bus, and there was this man that had an OCD, real bad, like I used to, and he was having trouble getting on the bus. Like...going up the stairs. Because he kept saying the same words over and over again, and stepping on the same step of the bus over and over again-- I used to do the same kind of thing. And he was trying to tell the driver "S-sorry I-I have an obsessive--an obsessive compulsive disorder and change--change makes it, change makes, change makes it--come out more, come out more, come out more. W-wait. W-wait. Wait. For me." I can't remember the exact words, but it was something like that. And he kept trying to get on the bus, but he couldn't. And I knew exactly what he meant. For most of my childhood, I twitched, touched things over and over again in multiples of 4 or just until it "felt" right, drew huge periods that made my page of writing looking really strange because I couldn't stop making the period at the end of a sentence darker and...rounder? More perfectly round? I was a weird kid. I was such a weird kid. And it was hard to be so weird. It was so lonely. I didn't have any friends in school (although good ones in the neighborhood). I got made fun of. Ostracized, socially isolated. Assigned entertaining nicknames (way too many things rhyme with the word "Gail" ...for example "fail" and "garbage pail," among others). I was also gay, and at least one person thought I was a boy and my name was Miguel. Go figure. But most people could tell that. I digress. Back to the future, as an adult on the greyhound bus. This guy was having some of the same problems that I used to have. He couldn't get on the bus. He was having trouble taking the steps required, right at the beginning, to get through that door. And man, did my empathy go crazy. But I was super shy back then. I didn't know how to approach people.
In my head, all of a sudden I got this vision sort-of-thing. In my mind's eye. It came to me; I didn't think it up myself. I saw me, standing in the gap between the top of the stairs and where he was, holding out a hand to him, and saying something like, "Take my hand. I have an OCD too. I understand. Come on up the stairs. You can do it." I knew I was meant to do that. I knew God gave me that vision for a reason (please don't let it offend you that when I talk about my gifts, I phrase it in terms of God. I don't mean to offend anyone, that's just my reality and how I think of things, but I'm not trying to push it off on you. It's my truth.). Anyway, I knew I was meant to do that, in that moment...I was meant to stand up and help that man. Because I had been where he was; I knew the struggle, and I knew the struggle was real. And I knew it could be overcome with a little help. Well, I didn't do it, the bus driver ended up helping him up the stairs. I was too shy back then. But that experience changed the way I thought about painful experiences. It was one of those eureka moments. I suddenly realized, that maybe God had put me on this bus at this time for a reason. To help this man. And that I wouldn't have had anything to offer him or any way to understand if I hadn't been through it myself. All of a sudden all those years of getting made fun of for my OCD, of being socially isolated--they all seemed almost... purposeful...for a minute. Like my consciousness separated from the situation, and rose up above everything, and looked down on it, and suddenly could see the big picture. For just a minute. It was like that "ok, you went through this so that someday you can help somebody going through that," and I was like "ooh. Maybe it wasn't purposeless after all."
PSOliver, I hope you don't mind I ranted and told you this story. I don't know if it applies to you. It's just what came to my head.
Anyway, it's too bad you don't like virtual hugs because after reading what you said I want to give you like 100 of them. Especially #1, 2, 8, and 10. But since you don't like them, just know that I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and I'm so proud to see what you've become. Even though I don't know you, just seeing that you overcame that are are overcoming that makes me feel proud for you. Or something like that. You seem to have a good heart, a good soul. Whatever experiences cultivated that, I don't know, but the way you help people is a beautiful thing to see. You're a beautiful person.
Okay. Sorry for being so cheesy.
Thanks you for sharing this stuff. I wish you the best in the future and I believe that you'll do great.
Abigail_Austin wrote:
Awww. *Hugs!*
And much of this made me smile.
"Nuclear destruction of the whole world"
"bestest friend in the whole world"
i'm cracking up over here. Love it.Sorry to hear that your mom passed. I'm not looking forward to the moment that happens...my mom's 81 rn.
And sorry to hear about the second girlfriend--but more sorry for her than for you! Because it seems to me that she was the one who lost out! Especially if she happens to be the kind of person who likes romantic Lord of the Rings-based fan fiction. Cause you sure can write the heck out of some romantic Lord of the Rings shizzz. I'm just saying. You and Ladyofgondor. *Sigh* And Skrifa. I'm a fan!
Anyway... Thank you for filling out my survey!!!
Lol... I see your quote captured the unedited header of my post. My apologies if I offended anyone and will be mindful this is a U.S. based site and thus sensitive to such things being exposed to those under 18. I was tired when I posted this.
As for my 2nd GF, she wasn't an LotR nerd like me. And in hindsight I accept the gut-kick as my due karma for doing the same to my 1st GF, who was/is a LotR nerd.
As for the RP stories, it's good to know we have reading fans! Lady of Gondor & Skrifa keep it all together and they make it easy for me. Good people them.
Mom was a fighter all the way to near the end. Miss her still.
Birdy99 wrote:
This might get a slightly bit dark, and I don’t know.
See more
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
When people I thought I could trust, that I can depend on to not leave me who has promised to be supportive and accepting no matter what, leaves me in the end when I am going through a tough time. It...it has been a while, but it has hurt me so deeply that even conversing with new people, or talking with my own father had me holding my tongue even on normal conversational topics, because I know that I am going to screw up, that I am going to let something slip and they will realize what a horrible person I am and leave me in the end.
Or a second case, people who I thought are supportive, who I thought I should have been the closest to because they are my mother turning out to be the main cause of all those years of depression and suicidal thoughts. Who has completely polluted my mind into thinking my father is a horrible, horrible unemotional bastard, that my grandmother on my father’s side is a money-grubbing bitch that hates my guts, that I am an illegitimate child, that all my relatives are my enemies, that everyone is judging me and the world is my enemy and the only person that I can supposedly depend on is my mother who uses me to drain my father’s money and has since then tried to kill herself multiple times and attempted to choke me- yeah, I am still not over that.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Last night. I’ll be honest here, I have major depression so it happens quite often. I just had a cry last night-no different from usual I suppose. Didn’t sleep at all because of it- my head is just filled with too many depressing and extreme things that even my usual coping methods can’t do anything against it.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Dark jokes.
Mostly self-deprecating jokes, memes about major depression and my anxiety. Sometimes watching a hilarious video is enough, sometimes it is not and the only thing I can do is to just wait it out.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Yes, even though my parent is just in the next room and I can always reach my friends with a quick message, I still feel extremely lonely. It is not the problem of not having anyone to talk to as much as my brain working against me.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
No one. Being vulnerable with people close to me, is terrifying to be honest. So no, I don’t do calls ever.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Whatever songs out there- I have a pretty diverse playlist because I listen to songs practically non stop no matter what I am doing, be it doing homework or even anything that might give me even the slightest hint of stress. (Except showering, obviously, but you get the idea)
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Skillet, probably, and Imagine Dragons as well. Idk, I don’t pay much attention to the bands.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
What am I going to be? What do I want to be? What can I do in the future? What can I do to prepare? Do I have enough strength or motivation to even do anything about my worries? Would I somehow be able to deal with my family problems? Would I somehow manage to weather the stress of school and survive? Can I survive my depression- which has been getting progressively worse ever since the fallout between me and my friends? There is just too much- and I am not talking about it as much as I am ranting I think.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Music, nothing better than music. It isn’t a foolproof plan, but if I am in a stressing situation I just put on my headphones and turn the volume up to the max-who cares if it will damage my hearing- I just want to not cry in public.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
It is usually not something based on reality, but referencing it definitely. There is often someone chasing me, someone humanoid and very, very cold. My nightmares are often very haunting, filled with a deep sense of worry and wrong-ness to it. Twisting hallways, never ending mazes and always, always someone chasing me. It is irrational, but I occasionally stay up for days because I was so terrified of those nightmares, of dreaming up the same thing again.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My father, while he can’t understand how irrational depression is, nor does he understand emotions too well, he tries his best to be supportive and would always do his best to give me what I want, and what is best for me.
My friend, my longest friend, who instead of looking at me in contempt or fear when I told her about my depression, only asked if I am doing alright or seeking help.
My art teacher, who was supportive through all my life decisions and has always been able to cheer me up no matter if I am going through a bad episode. She has always supported and encouraged me to pursue art, and has taught me and guided me more than anyone else.
My friend’s dog, who is the cutest friggin thing in the entire universe and you can’t argue with me on that because she is that fluffy and that cute.
12. One regret?
Not seeking help earlier, not being a good enough person, not working harder, not thinking through life-changing decisions because I am too stupidly emotional.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My art skills, probably, as it is possibly the only thing that makes me feel good about myself.
That I can play two instruments- one Western and one Chinese, it makes me feel proud of myself that I, to some extent, is still connected to my roots I guess.
14. One thing you wish?
Short term: To have a pet snake, or a pet cat, whichever works. I just want someone to just be there for me, physically, when I am going through a bad time. I just really want to have someone that I can spoil and pet and cherish- to feel like I am worth something at the very least.
Long term: Get a nice apartment, live with my future pet, have a relatively well paying job that lets me get by and maybe have tea sometimes. A quiet life, meeting up with friends and a low-stress job I guess. The last one is the most important because I do not handle stress well, at all.
15. Virtual hugs?
Not really- I never understood those virtual hugs. It is nice, I suppose, I can appreciate the sentiment.
When people I thought I could trust, that I can depend on to not leave me who has promised to be supportive and accepting no matter what, leaves me in the end when I am going through a tough time. It...it has been a while, but it has hurt me so deeply that even conversing with new people, or talking with my own father had me holding my tongue even on normal conversational topics, because I know that I am going to screw up, that I am going to let something slip and they will realize what a horrible person I am and leave me in the end.
Or a second case, people who I thought are supportive, who I thought I should have been the closest to because they are my mother turning out to be the main cause of all those years of depression and suicidal thoughts. Who has completely polluted my mind into thinking my father is a horrible, horrible unemotional bastard, that my grandmother on my father’s side is a money-grubbing bitch that hates my guts, that I am an illegitimate child, that all my relatives are my enemies, that everyone is judging me and the world is my enemy and the only person that I can supposedly depend on is my mother who uses me to drain my father’s money and has since then tried to kill herself multiple times and attempted to choke me- yeah, I am still not over that.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Last night. I’ll be honest here, I have major depression so it happens quite often. I just had a cry last night-no different from usual I suppose. Didn’t sleep at all because of it- my head is just filled with too many depressing and extreme things that even my usual coping methods can’t do anything against it.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Dark jokes.
Mostly self-deprecating jokes, memes about major depression and my anxiety. Sometimes watching a hilarious video is enough, sometimes it is not and the only thing I can do is to just wait it out.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Yes, even though my parent is just in the next room and I can always reach my friends with a quick message, I still feel extremely lonely. It is not the problem of not having anyone to talk to as much as my brain working against me.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
No one. Being vulnerable with people close to me, is terrifying to be honest. So no, I don’t do calls ever.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Whatever songs out there- I have a pretty diverse playlist because I listen to songs practically non stop no matter what I am doing, be it doing homework or even anything that might give me even the slightest hint of stress. (Except showering, obviously, but you get the idea)
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Skillet, probably, and Imagine Dragons as well. Idk, I don’t pay much attention to the bands.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
What am I going to be? What do I want to be? What can I do in the future? What can I do to prepare? Do I have enough strength or motivation to even do anything about my worries? Would I somehow be able to deal with my family problems? Would I somehow manage to weather the stress of school and survive? Can I survive my depression- which has been getting progressively worse ever since the fallout between me and my friends? There is just too much- and I am not talking about it as much as I am ranting I think.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Music, nothing better than music. It isn’t a foolproof plan, but if I am in a stressing situation I just put on my headphones and turn the volume up to the max-who cares if it will damage my hearing- I just want to not cry in public.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
It is usually not something based on reality, but referencing it definitely. There is often someone chasing me, someone humanoid and very, very cold. My nightmares are often very haunting, filled with a deep sense of worry and wrong-ness to it. Twisting hallways, never ending mazes and always, always someone chasing me. It is irrational, but I occasionally stay up for days because I was so terrified of those nightmares, of dreaming up the same thing again.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My father, while he can’t understand how irrational depression is, nor does he understand emotions too well, he tries his best to be supportive and would always do his best to give me what I want, and what is best for me.
My friend, my longest friend, who instead of looking at me in contempt or fear when I told her about my depression, only asked if I am doing alright or seeking help.
My art teacher, who was supportive through all my life decisions and has always been able to cheer me up no matter if I am going through a bad episode. She has always supported and encouraged me to pursue art, and has taught me and guided me more than anyone else.
My friend’s dog, who is the cutest friggin thing in the entire universe and you can’t argue with me on that because she is that fluffy and that cute.
12. One regret?
Not seeking help earlier, not being a good enough person, not working harder, not thinking through life-changing decisions because I am too stupidly emotional.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My art skills, probably, as it is possibly the only thing that makes me feel good about myself.
That I can play two instruments- one Western and one Chinese, it makes me feel proud of myself that I, to some extent, is still connected to my roots I guess.
14. One thing you wish?
Short term: To have a pet snake, or a pet cat, whichever works. I just want someone to just be there for me, physically, when I am going through a bad time. I just really want to have someone that I can spoil and pet and cherish- to feel like I am worth something at the very least.
Long term: Get a nice apartment, live with my future pet, have a relatively well paying job that lets me get by and maybe have tea sometimes. A quiet life, meeting up with friends and a low-stress job I guess. The last one is the most important because I do not handle stress well, at all.
15. Virtual hugs?
Not really- I never understood those virtual hugs. It is nice, I suppose, I can appreciate the sentiment.
Birdy99! I want to say thank you for doing this survey and that you have my care and support, and if you ever wanna talk ooc I'm here, and aside from that...I plan on reading and answering this is more detail when I can.
Birdy99 wrote:
This might get a slightly bit dark, and I don’t know.
See more
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
When people I thought I could trust, that I can depend on to not leave me who has promised to be supportive and accepting no matter what, leaves me in the end when I am going through a tough time. It...it has been a while, but it has hurt me so deeply that even conversing with new people, or talking with my own father had me holding my tongue even on normal conversational topics, because I know that I am going to screw up, that I am going to let something slip and they will realize what a horrible person I am and leave me in the end.
Or a second case, people who I thought are supportive, who I thought I should have been the closest to because they are my mother turning out to be the main cause of all those years of depression and suicidal thoughts. Who has completely polluted my mind into thinking my father is a horrible, horrible unemotional bastard, that my grandmother on my father’s side is a money-grubbing bitch that hates my guts, that I am an illegitimate child, that all my relatives are my enemies, that everyone is judging me and the world is my enemy and the only person that I can supposedly depend on is my mother who uses me to drain my father’s money and has since then tried to kill herself multiple times and attempted to choke me- yeah, I am still not over that.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Last night. I’ll be honest here, I have major depression so it happens quite often. I just had a cry last night-no different from usual I suppose. Didn’t sleep at all because of it- my head is just filled with too many depressing and extreme things that even my usual coping methods can’t do anything against it.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Dark jokes.
Mostly self-deprecating jokes, memes about major depression and my anxiety. Sometimes watching a hilarious video is enough, sometimes it is not and the only thing I can do is to just wait it out.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Yes, even though my parent is just in the next room and I can always reach my friends with a quick message, I still feel extremely lonely. It is not the problem of not having anyone to talk to as much as my brain working against me.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
No one. Being vulnerable with people close to me, is terrifying to be honest. So no, I don’t do calls ever.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Whatever songs out there- I have a pretty diverse playlist because I listen to songs practically non stop no matter what I am doing, be it doing homework or even anything that might give me even the slightest hint of stress. (Except showering, obviously, but you get the idea)
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Skillet, probably, and Imagine Dragons as well. Idk, I don’t pay much attention to the bands.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
What am I going to be? What do I want to be? What can I do in the future? What can I do to prepare? Do I have enough strength or motivation to even do anything about my worries? Would I somehow be able to deal with my family problems? Would I somehow manage to weather the stress of school and survive? Can I survive my depression- which has been getting progressively worse ever since the fallout between me and my friends? There is just too much- and I am not talking about it as much as I am ranting I think.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Music, nothing better than music. It isn’t a foolproof plan, but if I am in a stressing situation I just put on my headphones and turn the volume up to the max-who cares if it will damage my hearing- I just want to not cry in public.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
It is usually not something based on reality, but referencing it definitely. There is often someone chasing me, someone humanoid and very, very cold. My nightmares are often very haunting, filled with a deep sense of worry and wrong-ness to it. Twisting hallways, never ending mazes and always, always someone chasing me. It is irrational, but I occasionally stay up for days because I was so terrified of those nightmares, of dreaming up the same thing again.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My father, while he can’t understand how irrational depression is, nor does he understand emotions too well, he tries his best to be supportive and would always do his best to give me what I want, and what is best for me.
My friend, my longest friend, who instead of looking at me in contempt or fear when I told her about my depression, only asked if I am doing alright or seeking help.
My art teacher, who was supportive through all my life decisions and has always been able to cheer me up no matter if I am going through a bad episode. She has always supported and encouraged me to pursue art, and has taught me and guided me more than anyone else.
My friend’s dog, who is the cutest friggin thing in the entire universe and you can’t argue with me on that because she is that fluffy and that cute.
12. One regret?
Not seeking help earlier, not being a good enough person, not working harder, not thinking through life-changing decisions because I am too stupidly emotional.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My art skills, probably, as it is possibly the only thing that makes me feel good about myself.
That I can play two instruments- one Western and one Chinese, it makes me feel proud of myself that I, to some extent, is still connected to my roots I guess.
14. One thing you wish?
Short term: To have a pet snake, or a pet cat, whichever works. I just want someone to just be there for me, physically, when I am going through a bad time. I just really want to have someone that I can spoil and pet and cherish- to feel like I am worth something at the very least.
Long term: Get a nice apartment, live with my future pet, have a relatively well paying job that lets me get by and maybe have tea sometimes. A quiet life, meeting up with friends and a low-stress job I guess. The last one is the most important because I do not handle stress well, at all.
15. Virtual hugs?
Not really- I never understood those virtual hugs. It is nice, I suppose, I can appreciate the sentiment.
When people I thought I could trust, that I can depend on to not leave me who has promised to be supportive and accepting no matter what, leaves me in the end when I am going through a tough time. It...it has been a while, but it has hurt me so deeply that even conversing with new people, or talking with my own father had me holding my tongue even on normal conversational topics, because I know that I am going to screw up, that I am going to let something slip and they will realize what a horrible person I am and leave me in the end.
Or a second case, people who I thought are supportive, who I thought I should have been the closest to because they are my mother turning out to be the main cause of all those years of depression and suicidal thoughts. Who has completely polluted my mind into thinking my father is a horrible, horrible unemotional bastard, that my grandmother on my father’s side is a money-grubbing bitch that hates my guts, that I am an illegitimate child, that all my relatives are my enemies, that everyone is judging me and the world is my enemy and the only person that I can supposedly depend on is my mother who uses me to drain my father’s money and has since then tried to kill herself multiple times and attempted to choke me- yeah, I am still not over that.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Last night. I’ll be honest here, I have major depression so it happens quite often. I just had a cry last night-no different from usual I suppose. Didn’t sleep at all because of it- my head is just filled with too many depressing and extreme things that even my usual coping methods can’t do anything against it.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Dark jokes.
Mostly self-deprecating jokes, memes about major depression and my anxiety. Sometimes watching a hilarious video is enough, sometimes it is not and the only thing I can do is to just wait it out.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Yes, even though my parent is just in the next room and I can always reach my friends with a quick message, I still feel extremely lonely. It is not the problem of not having anyone to talk to as much as my brain working against me.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
No one. Being vulnerable with people close to me, is terrifying to be honest. So no, I don’t do calls ever.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Whatever songs out there- I have a pretty diverse playlist because I listen to songs practically non stop no matter what I am doing, be it doing homework or even anything that might give me even the slightest hint of stress. (Except showering, obviously, but you get the idea)
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Skillet, probably, and Imagine Dragons as well. Idk, I don’t pay much attention to the bands.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
What am I going to be? What do I want to be? What can I do in the future? What can I do to prepare? Do I have enough strength or motivation to even do anything about my worries? Would I somehow be able to deal with my family problems? Would I somehow manage to weather the stress of school and survive? Can I survive my depression- which has been getting progressively worse ever since the fallout between me and my friends? There is just too much- and I am not talking about it as much as I am ranting I think.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Music, nothing better than music. It isn’t a foolproof plan, but if I am in a stressing situation I just put on my headphones and turn the volume up to the max-who cares if it will damage my hearing- I just want to not cry in public.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
It is usually not something based on reality, but referencing it definitely. There is often someone chasing me, someone humanoid and very, very cold. My nightmares are often very haunting, filled with a deep sense of worry and wrong-ness to it. Twisting hallways, never ending mazes and always, always someone chasing me. It is irrational, but I occasionally stay up for days because I was so terrified of those nightmares, of dreaming up the same thing again.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My father, while he can’t understand how irrational depression is, nor does he understand emotions too well, he tries his best to be supportive and would always do his best to give me what I want, and what is best for me.
My friend, my longest friend, who instead of looking at me in contempt or fear when I told her about my depression, only asked if I am doing alright or seeking help.
My art teacher, who was supportive through all my life decisions and has always been able to cheer me up no matter if I am going through a bad episode. She has always supported and encouraged me to pursue art, and has taught me and guided me more than anyone else.
My friend’s dog, who is the cutest friggin thing in the entire universe and you can’t argue with me on that because she is that fluffy and that cute.
12. One regret?
Not seeking help earlier, not being a good enough person, not working harder, not thinking through life-changing decisions because I am too stupidly emotional.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My art skills, probably, as it is possibly the only thing that makes me feel good about myself.
That I can play two instruments- one Western and one Chinese, it makes me feel proud of myself that I, to some extent, is still connected to my roots I guess.
14. One thing you wish?
Short term: To have a pet snake, or a pet cat, whichever works. I just want someone to just be there for me, physically, when I am going through a bad time. I just really want to have someone that I can spoil and pet and cherish- to feel like I am worth something at the very least.
Long term: Get a nice apartment, live with my future pet, have a relatively well paying job that lets me get by and maybe have tea sometimes. A quiet life, meeting up with friends and a low-stress job I guess. The last one is the most important because I do not handle stress well, at all.
15. Virtual hugs?
Not really- I never understood those virtual hugs. It is nice, I suppose, I can appreciate the sentiment.
Yep. Imagine Dragons are great, music I great. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Your mom sounds like somebody's description on here in the Here For You group of a "narcissistic patent," although I don't know for sure. But it sounds like that. I'm sorry you have to go through that, it sounds horrible and once you get out and have your own place (and a cat! Or...or snake!) maybe that will get better. Yep...your art is something to be proud of. I loved looking at the thread where you drew the characters...that must've been fun. It was fun to watch.
Btw if you haven't heard of "Here For You" it's a group on here that I like. I go in there to vent sometimes.
Those nightmares sound freaky. So..me...I have a bit of insomnia (some of it's just lack of discipline to put away my phone/computer...like now), and I take medication for that. In my country, it has to be prescribed by a doctor, but the one I take is Ambien, if you might get a chance to ask a doctor about it or something. Some people take Benadryl, which doesn't require a prescription here, because it's just an allergy medication--but everything has side effects, so I can't officially recommend anything, but it's something, perhaps, for though. Also, I take Zoloft for depression. I started out on Prozac, and it helped me immensely, when nothing else worked. Yeah, people without depression will say "exercise," or "sunshine" or "think positive," or "eat right," but I tried all of that and nothing helped during those times except medication. So no one underestimate the power of medication, or the power of brain chemistry to make you bad (or good, if you're lucky), independent of circumstances. We must address brain chemistry if we have brain chemistry issues, and no one should invalidate that by saying that it doesn't "make sense," for us to be depressed based on the circumstances. It doesn't have to make sense. So, sometimes meds are the best way to address it. And yes...humor! "Humor is the best medicine," they say, right? I love that dark humor brings you out of a bad mood sometimes. I get it -- it's like if you are laughing at the absurdity of something, then you're kind of outside of it for a moment. You can detatch that way. It's like... automatic self-awareness. Which brings me to meditation. I should meditate more than I do but in the past it has helped me. Some people have to do guided ones or with music, but I just listen to my breath and observe my thoughts, as if from above them. Sorta. But I love the idea of using dark humor...it probably makes you feel not alone, first of all, because someone gets it, that's why it's in a joke, and it also gets you out of it. Like, you're the person that's laughing at it in that moment, not the person that is at it's mercy. You have a bit of power over something if you can laugh at it. Just the power to say that you and the feeling are not one in the same. You can laugh at it.
And about real life I'm sure you'll do okay--you're very smart. And about a stress free job? Hell yeah, I hope you find one that suits you, I'm sure you will. Very important. So important. So good that you realize now already the importance of finding a job that suits you as opposed realizing it later, like I did, AFTER I had a degree. But all's well that ends well.
Thanks for sharing and love your art.
Dunedain-Ranger wrote:
Abigail_Austin wrote:
Awww. *Hugs!*
And much of this made me smile.
"Nuclear destruction of the whole world"
"bestest friend in the whole world"
i'm cracking up over here. Love it.Sorry to hear that your mom passed. I'm not looking forward to the moment that happens...my mom's 81 rn.
And sorry to hear about the second girlfriend--but more sorry for her than for you! Because it seems to me that she was the one who lost out! Especially if she happens to be the kind of person who likes romantic Lord of the Rings-based fan fiction. Cause you sure can write the heck out of some romantic Lord of the Rings shizzz. I'm just saying. You and Ladyofgondor. *Sigh* And Skrifa. I'm a fan!
Anyway... Thank you for filling out my survey!!!
Lol... I see your quote captured the unedited header of my post. My apologies if I offended anyone and will be mindful this is a U.S. based site and thus sensitive to such things being exposed to those under 18. I was tired when I posted this.
As for my 2nd GF, she wasn't an LotR nerd like me. And in hindsight I accept the gut-kick as my due karma for doing the same to my 1st GF, who was/is a LotR nerd.
As for the RP stories, it's good to know we have reading fans! Lady of Gondor & Skrifa keep it all together and they make it easy for me. Good people them.
Mom was a fighter all the way to near the end. Miss her still.
Oh woops...I didn't think about that trigger thing ...idk...
Yes, your writing partners are wonderful people. LadyOfGondor is one of my good friends. I truly adore her.
And yep...I sure do read y'all's Winds of Ith....whatever that word is.
Lol. It's very good.And just today I read some of the one you have with Skrifa. Who is, by the way, AN AWESOME PERSON TOO, I just found out. I love this place. God, you people are so brilliant!
Ok I'm going to go calm down. Lol
DarkCrow wrote:
See more
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
I get teary-eyed an embarrassing amount of the time if I go too in-depth about sad character daydreams lol
But like, actual balled my eyes out cried? Cant' remember. I know I do it, but I can't remember the actual last time I did it or for what specific reason.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
I have a playlist on youtube filled with videos that make me laugh. If I'm feeling really bad, I usually go to this playlist to try and make myself feel better.
Also, my cats.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Literally all of the time. :->
See question 1, as well as the fact that I have no irl friends and no SO. I'm very very alone and lonely.... :->
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
I... don't lol
I bottle it all up until either I explode all alone into a puddle of tears and/or my mom notices and asks if something's going on.
I don't want to bother people with my issues so I just... don't lol
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
YMCA - village people
Take On Me - Aha
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
Down Under - Men at Work
Etc. etc.
These are my jams dude
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Sleeping at Last - they're cozy when I'm in a good mood and saddening when I'm in a bad one lol
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
YEAH WHAT THE EFF IS WITH COLLEGE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I don't want to do college, someone help me, I DON'T WANNA
I have to make portfolio pieces and then I have to apply for schools that are going to get me in debt for the rest of my life without promise that I'll actually get a job I like or will pay me well enough to keep me on my feet, I might end up hating my job whether I get one in my field or not, and I don't want to end up hating the rest of my life based on what I decide to major in or get a job in and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Sleep it off. If I take a nap or sleep over night, that's 1-9 hours that I literally am as close to being dead to the world as I can get. Push away the anxiety for future me to deal with! (Or... y'know... nap away because I don't deal with anxiety lol)
fr tho? Break the issue down into little pieces if it's a task, or if it's a mood / situation / relationship, either talk it out, or just push it away to the best of my ability.
"Stop thinking about it. Stop it. Seriously stop it," until it goes away lol
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Occasionally; Most of the time it's about dying or getting killed or being put in dangerous situations or etc. etc., rarely anything specific.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My cats. Some days they're the only things keeping me afloat.
12. One regret?
Not getting my crap together and doing better in highschool tbh. Like... if I woke up tomorrow on my first day of highschool I would do things completely different.
And maybe it wouldn't change much, but that's always the one thing I go to for some reason????
13. One thing you're proud of?
Um....
Uh....
yeaaaaaaaaaah....
-tip toes away-
14. One thing you wish?
A re-do button but I can keep some / all of the life-knowledge I have now...
15. Virtual hugs?
Please ; 3 ;
[/collapse
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
Wow this answer got long OOPS
Being a secondary / last resort friend / disposable
I'm pretty awful when it comes to talking with people on a regular basis, I know that about myself, and so I don't get angry at others for not talking to me immediately about stuff, but it's... it's when people completely forget about me up until I'm useful to them that really hurts. My first absolute best friend (highschool) just completely stopped talking to me out of the blue and only texts me every few months, usually along the lines of "Hey, make this thing for me : 3", two other friends ended our last conversation happily and then I never ever heard from them again and they removed me from friend lists, so I couldn't get ahold of them to ask what I had done wrong, if anything; And seeing another friend just completely forget about me for 90% of the time while only focusing on their other friends (who they're able to see irl on a regular basis) just... hurts... a lot.
I'm the disposable / throw away friend and I hate it.
Being a secondary / last resort friend / disposable
I'm pretty awful when it comes to talking with people on a regular basis, I know that about myself, and so I don't get angry at others for not talking to me immediately about stuff, but it's... it's when people completely forget about me up until I'm useful to them that really hurts. My first absolute best friend (highschool) just completely stopped talking to me out of the blue and only texts me every few months, usually along the lines of "Hey, make this thing for me : 3", two other friends ended our last conversation happily and then I never ever heard from them again and they removed me from friend lists, so I couldn't get ahold of them to ask what I had done wrong, if anything; And seeing another friend just completely forget about me for 90% of the time while only focusing on their other friends (who they're able to see irl on a regular basis) just... hurts... a lot.
I'm the disposable / throw away friend and I hate it.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
I get teary-eyed an embarrassing amount of the time if I go too in-depth about sad character daydreams lol
But like, actual balled my eyes out cried? Cant' remember. I know I do it, but I can't remember the actual last time I did it or for what specific reason.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
I have a playlist on youtube filled with videos that make me laugh. If I'm feeling really bad, I usually go to this playlist to try and make myself feel better.
Also, my cats.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Literally all of the time. :->
See question 1, as well as the fact that I have no irl friends and no SO. I'm very very alone and lonely.... :->
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
I... don't lol
I bottle it all up until either I explode all alone into a puddle of tears and/or my mom notices and asks if something's going on.
I don't want to bother people with my issues so I just... don't lol
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
YMCA - village people
Take On Me - Aha
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
Down Under - Men at Work
Etc. etc.
These are my jams dude
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Sleeping at Last - they're cozy when I'm in a good mood and saddening when I'm in a bad one lol
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
YEAH WHAT THE EFF IS WITH COLLEGE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I don't want to do college, someone help me, I DON'T WANNA
I have to make portfolio pieces and then I have to apply for schools that are going to get me in debt for the rest of my life without promise that I'll actually get a job I like or will pay me well enough to keep me on my feet, I might end up hating my job whether I get one in my field or not, and I don't want to end up hating the rest of my life based on what I decide to major in or get a job in and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Sleep it off. If I take a nap or sleep over night, that's 1-9 hours that I literally am as close to being dead to the world as I can get. Push away the anxiety for future me to deal with! (Or... y'know... nap away because I don't deal with anxiety lol)
fr tho? Break the issue down into little pieces if it's a task, or if it's a mood / situation / relationship, either talk it out, or just push it away to the best of my ability.
"Stop thinking about it. Stop it. Seriously stop it," until it goes away lol
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Occasionally; Most of the time it's about dying or getting killed or being put in dangerous situations or etc. etc., rarely anything specific.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My cats. Some days they're the only things keeping me afloat.
12. One regret?
Not getting my crap together and doing better in highschool tbh. Like... if I woke up tomorrow on my first day of highschool I would do things completely different.
And maybe it wouldn't change much, but that's always the one thing I go to for some reason????
13. One thing you're proud of?
Um....
Uh....
yeaaaaaaaaaah....
-tip toes away-
14. One thing you wish?
A re-do button but I can keep some / all of the life-knowledge I have now...
15. Virtual hugs?
Please ; 3 ;
[/collapse
Awww...I love this! It was so entertaining to read for some reason...don't worry, college...I mean yes, everything you just said about college YES... except...you don't have to take student loans out. If your parents have low enough income you may qualify for Pell Grants. The best thing to do is to go to the financial aid department of whichever college you want to go to, and ask them to help you figure out what you qualify for, and they'll usually help you apply for everything. They did with me. My advice is: choose something you like to do.
But even if your parents make money...you can take out loans but just don't take out the MOST that they will give you..take out only what you really need for tuition and books, and then work part time for any extra money you need. Even if you take 4 classes instead of 5 classes and work part time, it takes a little longer to get through school, but then you have the work experience too! That's so important!
Oooookay *breathes*
Anyway, yesss I can see why that would be intimidating. Lol.
*Hugs* *Hugs*
And also....
Sorry to hear about the way your friends have treated you. Hopefully you'll find some quality friends soon! They exist...I know it's hard. Friendship is so important and losing friends is a struggle I hear about a lot so it's not just you
Erm...oh...I love the song choices you put on here. Some children still like 80s music?
Sure do love "Take On Me" and love "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
Good luck!
Oh and be proud of 1) Your language skills, and 2) your sense of humor and timing.
The end.
Emo wrote:
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
Not being accepted by people close to me...
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Honestly, last night...thinking about...a lot of things
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
People who are willing to listen, music, hugs
4. Are you lonely right now?
Yes...
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
No-one, usually just come on here
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Anything by TOP, anything by Owl City, or Demons ~Imagine Dragons~
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
TOP
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
Figuring myself out
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Breathing
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Yes...many things
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
Friends
12. One regret?
Not being able to help everyone perfectly
13. One thing you're proud of?
My art
14. One thing you wish?
I was better at helping others
15. Virtual hugs?
Yesh
Not being accepted by people close to me...
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Honestly, last night...thinking about...a lot of things
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
People who are willing to listen, music, hugs
4. Are you lonely right now?
Yes...
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
No-one, usually just come on here
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Anything by TOP, anything by Owl City, or Demons ~Imagine Dragons~
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
TOP
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
Figuring myself out
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Breathing
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Yes...many things
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
Friends
12. One regret?
Not being able to help everyone perfectly
13. One thing you're proud of?
My art
14. One thing you wish?
I was better at helping others
15. Virtual hugs?
Yesh
Oops...sorry I missed this yesterday, Emo!
Emo is one of my fave people on here, by the way, guys...
She's got a brain in her head and a poet's soul. Depth and kindness. Likes good music. Sense of humor. Writing AND art skills! She's a good person to talk to. Yep. Emo, you are a good friend.
Anyways...this:
*Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs*
*Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs*
Thanks for filling out my survey, Emo!
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
- Hmm...I would say, a falling out with a best friend of mine (we're friends again, though).
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
- Actually, just a few nights ago. I wrote a fake letter as a character I play elsewhere, bidding farewell because she felt unwanted.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
- Coming to realize that I've cared less and less about what is said about me and so on.
4. Are you lonely right now?
- Eh...No?
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
- Nobody. I don't talk to anyone when I do.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
- One-Winged Angel. Always back in the mood!
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
- Eh...I don't have one?
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
- No. Not really.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
- Coming from someone who does suffer from anxiety, but, rather, a 'inferiority complex'..I suppose, it's the fact that knowing less people is just better?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
- No. I suffer from insomnia and hardly dream.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
- Oh...My friends.
12. One regret?
- Sometimes, I wish I was more socially involved. Only sometimes.
13. One thing you're proud of?
- I'm a damn good saxophone player! (Won't play alone, though.)
14. One thing you wish?
- That my generation, and youngers ones stop dooming humanity.
15. Virtual hugs?
- Y'know...Sure, if you want.
- Hmm...I would say, a falling out with a best friend of mine (we're friends again, though).
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
- Actually, just a few nights ago. I wrote a fake letter as a character I play elsewhere, bidding farewell because she felt unwanted.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
- Coming to realize that I've cared less and less about what is said about me and so on.
4. Are you lonely right now?
- Eh...No?
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
- Nobody. I don't talk to anyone when I do.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
- One-Winged Angel. Always back in the mood!
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
- Eh...I don't have one?
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
- No. Not really.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
- Coming from someone who does suffer from anxiety, but, rather, a 'inferiority complex'..I suppose, it's the fact that knowing less people is just better?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
- No. I suffer from insomnia and hardly dream.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
- Oh...My friends.
12. One regret?
- Sometimes, I wish I was more socially involved. Only sometimes.
13. One thing you're proud of?
- I'm a damn good saxophone player! (Won't play alone, though.)
14. One thing you wish?
- That my generation, and youngers ones stop dooming humanity.
15. Virtual hugs?
- Y'know...Sure, if you want.
Figured I could give this a whirl...
Let me apologize for any typos or grammar mistakes beforehand, it's late and I'm typing on my phone lol.
1. One thing that hurt me deeply? Well, the first thing that popped into my head was when my parents got divorced... Things were messy in the beginning. Like really messy. My Dad had cheated on my Mom and when they separated she had to find a job after never having worked in her life. I think she was really upset because they were high school sweethearts and things didn't turn out like my Dad had promised her... Anyways, needless to say they were both pretty stressed, my Mom especially. When it was time to go home from my Dad's/switch nights my parents would get into these terrible fights. They were so bad they had to start meeting up at an abandoned parking lot because our neighbors would hear them yelling and come outside. They cursed, screamed, cried, the whole nine yards while me and my brother waited in the car literally 3 feet away. I'm the eldest sibling and we were young at the time, but pretty early on it was my responsibility to take care of my brother. He cried a lot during these fights (understandable considering he was like 6) and he would try to go outside and break them up, but whenever he did that it just escalated things. I don't remember the exact words/insults said between my parents, but I do remember having to hold my sobbing brother while turning up the radio as loud as it could go as I tried to distract him... It really messed me up and convinced me that I couldn't cry or show negative emotions (for the sake of my brother at the time, but it has stayed with me even now. It's actually my first time talking about this to anyone)... Also, I just realized how long this is.. Sorry ^^'
2. Today, actually. But before that it had been 8+ months. No real 'reason' why it happened, just a ton of small and large things that piled up. I was out with a friend and she asked me if I was okay and put her hand on my knee and I just.. Started crying? I feel bad, I'm pretty sure I scared her.
3. Easy one! My beautiful dog Abby and my cat Nadia! I love them to death, they always know when I'm stressed and find sweet and silly ways to make me feel better. Also, I always have at least 2 pints of ice cream in the freezer. It's my ultimate comfort food lol.
4. Eh, a bit. Not too bad considering I've got Abby snoring away on my lap right now. (I already said this but I love her SO much)
5. I don't ever really reach out and call people, but whenever I'm with my Mom I always know she's there if I need a shoulder to cry on. She's so supportive of me and I'm super glad to have her in my life.
6. I don't really like listening to music when I'm sad/anxious considering it usually just worsens my mood, but Willow Smith and Jesse Rutherford are my go to musicians. This sounds childish, but Steven Universe songs always cheer me up too haha
7. Once again, I don't really listen to music when I'm sad but Willow Smith is my jam. Oh, or Imagine Dragons!
8. I'm anxious about a lot of things right now, but one of the things I'm most worried about is my mental health.. I've found myself becoming numb a lot more than I used to, and I can't help but feel like I'm losing myself all over again. I thought I was improving for a year or two, but now everything just feels like its slipped away from me.. Guess I'm just worried I worked so hard and now it feels like I'm starting from square one.
9. My number one thing to do is to cuddle with my fur babies and watch anything with Gordon Ramsay in it lol.
10. My dreams are a mess. I have nightmares every night, but they're not always the 'wake up screaming and drenched in sweat' kind. More like the kind where you wake up and think ".. What the hell was that?" I get nightmares about being pregnant and being turned away by my family, being tortured and murdered by my Mother (which I don't understand because we've always had a great relationship), and lately I've been having a reoccurring dream that I'm stuck in a maze of a building and invisible people are laughing at me.
11. Considering I've been kind of negative so far, I'll give you a few! I love my pets (yes I know I've mentioned them several times already. Yes I'm obsessed), my family, comfy blankets, romcom movies, peanut butter cup ice cream, how the leaves change when it becomes Fall, and cows!!!(so cute!!!!)
12. Oh jeez... It sounds terrible on my part, but I lost a very great friend of mine about a year ago because I was afraid to reach out. We weren't exactly 'close', but we were getting there, and she was and still is an amazing person. Long story short she was struggling and needed a shoulder to lean on, and I wasn't there for her. It was my mistake, and because of that I lost her... I try not to dwell in the past, but that's one thing I would for sure change if I could wind back the clock...
13. Hmm, I'm not sure... Nothing really comes to mind to be honest.
14. Gosh, a million things come to mind! Mostly silly ones. Though, if I'm being real, I wish I could learn to open up more... This post was actually a big step for me!
15. Sure!
*Hugs*
1. One thing that hurt me deeply? Well, the first thing that popped into my head was when my parents got divorced... Things were messy in the beginning. Like really messy. My Dad had cheated on my Mom and when they separated she had to find a job after never having worked in her life. I think she was really upset because they were high school sweethearts and things didn't turn out like my Dad had promised her... Anyways, needless to say they were both pretty stressed, my Mom especially. When it was time to go home from my Dad's/switch nights my parents would get into these terrible fights. They were so bad they had to start meeting up at an abandoned parking lot because our neighbors would hear them yelling and come outside. They cursed, screamed, cried, the whole nine yards while me and my brother waited in the car literally 3 feet away. I'm the eldest sibling and we were young at the time, but pretty early on it was my responsibility to take care of my brother. He cried a lot during these fights (understandable considering he was like 6) and he would try to go outside and break them up, but whenever he did that it just escalated things. I don't remember the exact words/insults said between my parents, but I do remember having to hold my sobbing brother while turning up the radio as loud as it could go as I tried to distract him... It really messed me up and convinced me that I couldn't cry or show negative emotions (for the sake of my brother at the time, but it has stayed with me even now. It's actually my first time talking about this to anyone)... Also, I just realized how long this is.. Sorry ^^'
2. Today, actually. But before that it had been 8+ months. No real 'reason' why it happened, just a ton of small and large things that piled up. I was out with a friend and she asked me if I was okay and put her hand on my knee and I just.. Started crying? I feel bad, I'm pretty sure I scared her.
3. Easy one! My beautiful dog Abby and my cat Nadia! I love them to death, they always know when I'm stressed and find sweet and silly ways to make me feel better. Also, I always have at least 2 pints of ice cream in the freezer. It's my ultimate comfort food lol.
4. Eh, a bit. Not too bad considering I've got Abby snoring away on my lap right now. (I already said this but I love her SO much)
5. I don't ever really reach out and call people, but whenever I'm with my Mom I always know she's there if I need a shoulder to cry on. She's so supportive of me and I'm super glad to have her in my life.
6. I don't really like listening to music when I'm sad/anxious considering it usually just worsens my mood, but Willow Smith and Jesse Rutherford are my go to musicians. This sounds childish, but Steven Universe songs always cheer me up too haha
7. Once again, I don't really listen to music when I'm sad but Willow Smith is my jam. Oh, or Imagine Dragons!
8. I'm anxious about a lot of things right now, but one of the things I'm most worried about is my mental health.. I've found myself becoming numb a lot more than I used to, and I can't help but feel like I'm losing myself all over again. I thought I was improving for a year or two, but now everything just feels like its slipped away from me.. Guess I'm just worried I worked so hard and now it feels like I'm starting from square one.
9. My number one thing to do is to cuddle with my fur babies and watch anything with Gordon Ramsay in it lol.
10. My dreams are a mess. I have nightmares every night, but they're not always the 'wake up screaming and drenched in sweat' kind. More like the kind where you wake up and think ".. What the hell was that?"
I get nightmares about being pregnant and being turned away by my family, being tortured and murdered by my Mother (which I don't understand because we've always had a great relationship), and lately I've been having a reoccurring dream that I'm stuck in a maze of a building and invisible people are laughing at me.11. Considering I've been kind of negative so far, I'll give you a few! I love my pets (yes I know I've mentioned them several times already. Yes I'm obsessed), my family, comfy blankets, romcom movies, peanut butter cup ice cream, how the leaves change when it becomes Fall, and cows!!!(so cute!!!!)
12. Oh jeez... It sounds terrible on my part, but I lost a very great friend of mine about a year ago because I was afraid to reach out. We weren't exactly 'close', but we were getting there, and she was and still is an amazing person. Long story short she was struggling and needed a shoulder to lean on, and I wasn't there for her. It was my mistake, and because of that I lost her... I try not to dwell in the past, but that's one thing I would for sure change if I could wind back the clock...
13. Hmm, I'm not sure... Nothing really comes to mind to be honest.
14. Gosh, a million things come to mind! Mostly silly ones. Though, if I'm being real, I wish I could learn to open up more... This post was actually a big step for me!
15. Sure!
*Hugs*
I'll be back in 24-48 hours. Anything I haven't read I will read and respond to then, and I look forward to it!!!
booksarebae wrote:
Figured I could give this a whirl...
Let me apologize for any typos or grammar mistakes beforehand, it's late and I'm typing on my phone lol.
1. One thing that hurt me deeply? Well, the first thing that popped into my head was when my parents got divorced... Things were messy in the beginning. Like really messy. My Dad had cheated on my Mom and when they separated she had to find a job after never having worked in her life. I think she was really upset because they were high school sweethearts and things didn't turn out like my Dad had promised her... Anyways, needless to say they were both pretty stressed, my Mom especially. When it was time to go home from my Dad's/switch nights my parents would get into these terrible fights. They were so bad they had to start meeting up at an abandoned parking lot because our neighbors would hear them yelling and come outside. They cursed, screamed, cried, the whole nine yards while me and my brother waited in the car literally 3 feet away. I'm the eldest sibling and we were young at the time, but pretty early on it was my responsibility to take care of my brother. He cried a lot during these fights (understandable considering he was like 6) and he would try to go outside and break them up, but whenever he did that it just escalated things. I don't remember the exact words/insults said between my parents, but I do remember having to hold my sobbing brother while turning up the radio as loud as it could go as I tried to distract him... It really messed me up and convinced me that I couldn't cry or show negative emotions (for the sake of my brother at the time, but it has stayed with me even now. It's actually my first time talking about this to anyone)... Also, I just realized how long this is.. Sorry ^^'
2. Today, actually. But before that it had been 8+ months. No real 'reason' why it happened, just a ton of small and large things that piled up. I was out with a friend and she asked me if I was okay and put her hand on my knee and I just.. Started crying? I feel bad, I'm pretty sure I scared her.
3. Easy one! My beautiful dog Abby and my cat Nadia! I love them to death, they always know when I'm stressed and find sweet and silly ways to make me feel better. Also, I always have at least 2 pints of ice cream in the freezer. It's my ultimate comfort food lol.
4. Eh, a bit. Not too bad considering I've got Abby snoring away on my lap right now. (I already said this but I love her SO much)
5. I don't ever really reach out and call people, but whenever I'm with my Mom I always know she's there if I need a shoulder to cry on. She's so supportive of me and I'm super glad to have her in my life.
6. I don't really like listening to music when I'm sad/anxious considering it usually just worsens my mood, but Willow Smith and Jesse Rutherford are my go to musicians. This sounds childish, but Steven Universe songs always cheer me up too haha
7. Once again, I don't really listen to music when I'm sad but Willow Smith is my jam. Oh, or Imagine Dragons!
8. I'm anxious about a lot of things right now, but one of the things I'm most worried about is my mental health.. I've found myself becoming numb a lot more than I used to, and I can't help but feel like I'm losing myself all over again. I thought I was improving for a year or two, but now everything just feels like its slipped away from me.. Guess I'm just worried I worked so hard and now it feels like I'm starting from square one.
9. My number one thing to do is to cuddle with my fur babies and watch anything with Gordon Ramsay in it lol.
10. My dreams are a mess. I have nightmares every night, but they're not always the 'wake up screaming and drenched in sweat' kind. More like the kind where you wake up and think ".. What the hell was that?" I get nightmares about being pregnant and being turned away by my family, being tortured and murdered by my Mother (which I don't understand because we've always had a great relationship), and lately I've been having a reoccurring dream that I'm stuck in a maze of a building and invisible people are laughing at me.
11. Considering I've been kind of negative so far, I'll give you a few! I love my pets (yes I know I've mentioned them several times already. Yes I'm obsessed), my family, comfy blankets, romcom movies, peanut butter cup ice cream, how the leaves change when it becomes Fall, and cows!!!(so cute!!!!)
12. Oh jeez... It sounds terrible on my part, but I lost a very great friend of mine about a year ago because I was afraid to reach out. We weren't exactly 'close', but we were getting there, and she was and still is an amazing person. Long story short she was struggling and needed a shoulder to lean on, and I wasn't there for her. It was my mistake, and because of that I lost her... I try not to dwell in the past, but that's one thing I would for sure change if I could wind back the clock...
13. Hmm, I'm not sure... Nothing really comes to mind to be honest.
14. Gosh, a million things come to mind! Mostly silly ones. Though, if I'm being real, I wish I could learn to open up more... This post was actually a big step for me!
15. Sure! *Hugs*
1. One thing that hurt me deeply? Well, the first thing that popped into my head was when my parents got divorced... Things were messy in the beginning. Like really messy. My Dad had cheated on my Mom and when they separated she had to find a job after never having worked in her life. I think she was really upset because they were high school sweethearts and things didn't turn out like my Dad had promised her... Anyways, needless to say they were both pretty stressed, my Mom especially. When it was time to go home from my Dad's/switch nights my parents would get into these terrible fights. They were so bad they had to start meeting up at an abandoned parking lot because our neighbors would hear them yelling and come outside. They cursed, screamed, cried, the whole nine yards while me and my brother waited in the car literally 3 feet away. I'm the eldest sibling and we were young at the time, but pretty early on it was my responsibility to take care of my brother. He cried a lot during these fights (understandable considering he was like 6) and he would try to go outside and break them up, but whenever he did that it just escalated things. I don't remember the exact words/insults said between my parents, but I do remember having to hold my sobbing brother while turning up the radio as loud as it could go as I tried to distract him... It really messed me up and convinced me that I couldn't cry or show negative emotions (for the sake of my brother at the time, but it has stayed with me even now. It's actually my first time talking about this to anyone)... Also, I just realized how long this is.. Sorry ^^'
2. Today, actually. But before that it had been 8+ months. No real 'reason' why it happened, just a ton of small and large things that piled up. I was out with a friend and she asked me if I was okay and put her hand on my knee and I just.. Started crying? I feel bad, I'm pretty sure I scared her.
3. Easy one! My beautiful dog Abby and my cat Nadia! I love them to death, they always know when I'm stressed and find sweet and silly ways to make me feel better. Also, I always have at least 2 pints of ice cream in the freezer. It's my ultimate comfort food lol.
4. Eh, a bit. Not too bad considering I've got Abby snoring away on my lap right now. (I already said this but I love her SO much)
5. I don't ever really reach out and call people, but whenever I'm with my Mom I always know she's there if I need a shoulder to cry on. She's so supportive of me and I'm super glad to have her in my life.
6. I don't really like listening to music when I'm sad/anxious considering it usually just worsens my mood, but Willow Smith and Jesse Rutherford are my go to musicians. This sounds childish, but Steven Universe songs always cheer me up too haha
7. Once again, I don't really listen to music when I'm sad but Willow Smith is my jam. Oh, or Imagine Dragons!
8. I'm anxious about a lot of things right now, but one of the things I'm most worried about is my mental health.. I've found myself becoming numb a lot more than I used to, and I can't help but feel like I'm losing myself all over again. I thought I was improving for a year or two, but now everything just feels like its slipped away from me.. Guess I'm just worried I worked so hard and now it feels like I'm starting from square one.
9. My number one thing to do is to cuddle with my fur babies and watch anything with Gordon Ramsay in it lol.
10. My dreams are a mess. I have nightmares every night, but they're not always the 'wake up screaming and drenched in sweat' kind. More like the kind where you wake up and think ".. What the hell was that?"
I get nightmares about being pregnant and being turned away by my family, being tortured and murdered by my Mother (which I don't understand because we've always had a great relationship), and lately I've been having a reoccurring dream that I'm stuck in a maze of a building and invisible people are laughing at me.11. Considering I've been kind of negative so far, I'll give you a few! I love my pets (yes I know I've mentioned them several times already. Yes I'm obsessed), my family, comfy blankets, romcom movies, peanut butter cup ice cream, how the leaves change when it becomes Fall, and cows!!!(so cute!!!!)
12. Oh jeez... It sounds terrible on my part, but I lost a very great friend of mine about a year ago because I was afraid to reach out. We weren't exactly 'close', but we were getting there, and she was and still is an amazing person. Long story short she was struggling and needed a shoulder to lean on, and I wasn't there for her. It was my mistake, and because of that I lost her... I try not to dwell in the past, but that's one thing I would for sure change if I could wind back the clock...
13. Hmm, I'm not sure... Nothing really comes to mind to be honest.
14. Gosh, a million things come to mind! Mostly silly ones. Though, if I'm being real, I wish I could learn to open up more... This post was actually a big step for me!
15. Sure!
*Hugs* *Big hugs* my friend!! You have plenty to be proud of. Your writing (is soooooo awesome *swoon* ) and your drawing and your great sense of humor! I'm sorry to hear about the mental health struggle...the main thing is that you're aware of it and can reach out for help when you need it, which is honestly half the battle, and very evolved and also something you should be proud of, now that I think about it.
I wanna keep going on and on but I'll talk to you more when I get back, and do our RP response then too. (This person is awesome. Everybody RP with her!)I gotta disappeared for 24 hours because I'm crazy and addicted to the Internet. Basically. Lol. *big big hugggggggs*
i'm bored and should work on the mountain of stuff i need to reply to but NO-
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
people acting like they actually like me and want to be friends with me in public or where other people can see it, but then when I try to talk to them in private they want nothing to do with me. it's particularly the worst when it's something like me opening up online- if you don't actually care and just say the same thing to everyone, why bother? don't give me that false sense of that you actually like me, I hate pity.
second runner up when i was homeless for a month because my step-dad was an alcoholic and messed around with rent until we got kicked out. i almost tried to commit suicide again during that time because i just felt so hopeless. there was nothing worse than 6 people and 3 dogs in a single bed motel room and everyone was just constantly fighting or crying.
second runner up when i was homeless for a month because my step-dad was an alcoholic and messed around with rent until we got kicked out. i almost tried to commit suicide again during that time because i just felt so hopeless. there was nothing worse than 6 people and 3 dogs in a single bed motel room and everyone was just constantly fighting or crying.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
yesterday. just the stress of all my courses starting again on top of feeling like crap already really made me shut down and just bawl like a baby. I have so much stuff and I need to do and roleplays I need to reply to but I just can't find it in me to do anything.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
depends on how bad it is. if it's super bad, just crying and taking a really long nap with time to myself is really the only thing that helps. if it's something little, I go pet my dog and watch dumb videos like "dog after the dentist." I don't really have anyone to talk to if I don't feel good.
4. Are you lonely right now?
yes. surrounded by people but still somehow all by myself, as emo as that sounds lmao. kind of just another brick in the wall, you realize you aren't really anything extraordinary.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
nobody. I don't trust anyone enough to open up to them even if I had anyone who would listen, so I always deal with it by myself. the one and only time I told someone how I felt they screamed at me and told me I had everything good and to stop complaining because they had a much harder childhood than I did.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
i listen to some Type O Negative or Evanescence because i'm still in my emo phase of music lmao.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
i don't know that i really have anything in particular that's a sad mood...i guess i would say Evanescence again lol
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
i'm literally so stressed out about the amount of work i've already gotten in my classes, but i can't switch out of them. i feel like this year is really going to be the one that freaks me tf out to the max.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
i don't have much of a way to deal with anxiety. i guess if it's super bad i just take the weak-ass anxiety meds i have which more or less just make me fall asleep.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
thankfully i don't really get nightmares. sleep is basically my only escape and i always have super lucid dreams which are usually pretty nice. probably why i'm addicted to napping more or less, my dreams are kinda dang chill.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
the small family i do have and my doooogs. while people can be dicks 90% of the time my pups are always excited to see me. plus it's really funny when they do dumb stuff like try to catch moths in the house.
12. One regret?
being too weak and broken. most people see me as a disappointment, kinda like "you could be so much better if you weren't so depressed."
13. One thing you're proud of?
i dunno, i guess the fact i'm not too stupid intelligence-wise and can kinda draw and write.
14. One thing you wish?
i wish everything would be okay, that i had friends, and that i just wasn't so messed up in the head. life would be so much easier.
15. Virtual hugs?
yes pls
nineforalostgod wrote:
i'm bored and should work on the mountain of stuff i need to reply to but NO-
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
people acting like they actually like me and want to be friends with me in public or where other people can see it, but then when I try to talk to them in private they want nothing to do with me. it's particularly the worst when it's something like me opening up online- if you don't actually care and just say the same thing to everyone, why bother? don't give me that false sense of that you actually like me, I hate pity.
second runner up when i was homeless for a month because my step-dad was an alcoholic and messed around with rent until we got kicked out. i almost tried to commit suicide again during that time because i just felt so hopeless. there was nothing worse than 6 people and 3 dogs in a single bed motel room and everyone was just constantly fighting or crying.
second runner up when i was homeless for a month because my step-dad was an alcoholic and messed around with rent until we got kicked out. i almost tried to commit suicide again during that time because i just felt so hopeless. there was nothing worse than 6 people and 3 dogs in a single bed motel room and everyone was just constantly fighting or crying.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
yesterday. just the stress of all my courses starting again on top of feeling like crap already really made me shut down and just bawl like a baby. I have so much stuff and I need to do and roleplays I need to reply to but I just can't find it in me to do anything.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
depends on how bad it is. if it's super bad, just crying and taking a really long nap with time to myself is really the only thing that helps. if it's something little, I go pet my dog and watch dumb videos like "dog after the dentist." I don't really have anyone to talk to if I don't feel good.
4. Are you lonely right now?
yes. surrounded by people but still somehow all by myself, as emo as that sounds lmao. kind of just another brick in the wall, you realize you aren't really anything extraordinary.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
nobody. I don't trust anyone enough to open up to them even if I had anyone who would listen, so I always deal with it by myself. the one and only time I told someone how I felt they screamed at me and told me I had everything good and to stop complaining because they had a much harder childhood than I did.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
i listen to some Type O Negative or Evanescence because i'm still in my emo phase of music lmao.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
i don't know that i really have anything in particular that's a sad mood...i guess i would say Evanescence again lol
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
i'm literally so stressed out about the amount of work i've already gotten in my classes, but i can't switch out of them. i feel like this year is really going to be the one that freaks me tf out to the max.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
i don't have much of a way to deal with anxiety. i guess if it's super bad i just take the weak-ass anxiety meds i have which more or less just make me fall asleep.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
thankfully i don't really get nightmares. sleep is basically my only escape and i always have super lucid dreams which are usually pretty nice. probably why i'm addicted to napping more or less, my dreams are kinda dang chill.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
the small family i do have and my doooogs. while people can be dicks 90% of the time my pups are always excited to see me. plus it's really funny when they do dumb stuff like try to catch moths in the house.
12. One regret?
being too weak and broken. most people see me as a disappointment, kinda like "you could be so much better if you weren't so depressed."
13. One thing you're proud of?
i dunno, i guess the fact i'm not too stupid intelligence-wise and can kinda draw and write.
14. One thing you wish?
i wish everything would be okay, that i had friends, and that i just wasn't so messed up in the head. life would be so much easier.
15. Virtual hugs?
yes pls
I'm gonna respond in more detail later when I can but for now..
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugsHugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugsHugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugsHugs hugs hugs hugs!
KatayokuNoTenshiVII wrote:
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
- Hmm...I would say, a falling out with a best friend of mine (we're friends again, though).
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
- Actually, just a few nights ago. I wrote a fake letter as a character I play elsewhere, bidding farewell because she felt unwanted.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
- Coming to realize that I've cared less and less about what is said about me and so on.
4. Are you lonely right now?
- Eh...No?
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
- Nobody. I don't talk to anyone when I do.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
- One-Winged Angel. Always back in the mood!
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
- No. Not really.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
- Coming from someone who does suffer from anxiety, but, rather, a 'inferiority complex'..I suppose, it's the fact that knowing less people is just better?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
- No. I suffer from insomnia and hardly dream.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
- Oh...My friends.
12. One regret?
- Sometimes, I wish I was more socially involved. Only sometimes.
13. One thing you're proud of?
- I'm a damn good saxophone player! (Won't play alone, though.)
14. One thing you wish?
- That my generation, and youngers ones stop dooming humanity.
15. Virtual hugs?
- Y'know...Sure, if you want.
- Hmm...I would say, a falling out with a best friend of mine (we're friends again, though).
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
- Actually, just a few nights ago. I wrote a fake letter as a character I play elsewhere, bidding farewell because she felt unwanted.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
- Coming to realize that I've cared less and less about what is said about me and so on.
4. Are you lonely right now?
- Eh...No?
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
- Nobody. I don't talk to anyone when I do.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
- One-Winged Angel. Always back in the mood!
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
- No. Not really.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
- Coming from someone who does suffer from anxiety, but, rather, a 'inferiority complex'..I suppose, it's the fact that knowing less people is just better?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
- No. I suffer from insomnia and hardly dream.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
- Oh...My friends.
12. One regret?
- Sometimes, I wish I was more socially involved. Only sometimes.
13. One thing you're proud of?
- I'm a damn good saxophone player! (Won't play alone, though.)
14. One thing you wish?
- That my generation, and youngers ones stop dooming humanity.
15. Virtual hugs?
- Y'know...Sure, if you want.
Insomnia Yesh me too
Anyway huggggggs
Survey
Why? Because I come up with weird ideas in the middle of the night. *shrugs*
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
I used to have trouble setting boundaries. Because of this, a lot of people I trusted through being naive and believing in the good of everyone, brought me into some very heartbreaking times where I was devastated. I promised myself not to let anyone 'take from me' anymore. They must earn my friendship - it's not given freely anymore.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Today, but it was because I was laughing so hard. So that's good.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Singing, music, playing guitar.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Sometimes, but for right now, I'm content. I'm focusing on my studies.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
Mom!
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Nothing in particular, but comforting songs are nice. Such as 'Across the Universe' by the Beatles. The line 'nothing's going to change my world' reminds me that a million things can go wrong in life -- but I'm on my feet and rooted, and whatever will be, will be. That's life. It's what we make of it and we all are doing our best.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Florence & The Machine
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
I am excited about returning to University, which isn't as anxious as it is exciting. I miss someone who I cared/care deeply for -- the uncertainty of things 'unsaid' can sometimes bring confusion and deep thought.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Reminding myself that anxiety is just a symptom of something out of my control, an unpredictable outcome, or something that I "should" have done. - If I do the things I am supposed to do, I will not have anxiety, if it's things I can't control... what's the sense of being anxious?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not really. When I did, I was younger -- and they'd be about the most random subjects.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
The people who have proven that they deserve my friendship. I'll never take them for granted.
12. One regret?
I wish my brother and I were closer, but I feel as though we're continuing to drift apart.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My education.
14. One thing you wish?
I genuinely hope to find love -- and if I don't? My education will allow me to support myself once I finish my degrees, so I do not have to 'count on' anybody. I'll be stable and able to support myself.
15. Virtual hugs?
I'm more of a high-five or handshake kind of girl.
Why? Because I come up with weird ideas in the middle of the night. *shrugs*
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
I used to have trouble setting boundaries. Because of this, a lot of people I trusted through being naive and believing in the good of everyone, brought me into some very heartbreaking times where I was devastated. I promised myself not to let anyone 'take from me' anymore. They must earn my friendship - it's not given freely anymore.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Today, but it was because I was laughing so hard. So that's good.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Singing, music, playing guitar.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Sometimes, but for right now, I'm content. I'm focusing on my studies.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
Mom!
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Nothing in particular, but comforting songs are nice. Such as 'Across the Universe' by the Beatles. The line 'nothing's going to change my world' reminds me that a million things can go wrong in life -- but I'm on my feet and rooted, and whatever will be, will be. That's life. It's what we make of it and we all are doing our best.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Florence & The Machine
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
I am excited about returning to University, which isn't as anxious as it is exciting. I miss someone who I cared/care deeply for -- the uncertainty of things 'unsaid' can sometimes bring confusion and deep thought.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Reminding myself that anxiety is just a symptom of something out of my control, an unpredictable outcome, or something that I "should" have done. - If I do the things I am supposed to do, I will not have anxiety, if it's things I can't control... what's the sense of being anxious?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not really.
When I did, I was younger -- and they'd be about the most random subjects.11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
The people who have proven that they deserve my friendship. I'll never take them for granted.
12. One regret?
I wish my brother and I were closer, but I feel as though we're continuing to drift apart.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My education.
14. One thing you wish?
I genuinely hope to find love -- and if I don't? My education will allow me to support myself once I finish my degrees, so I do not have to 'count on' anybody. I'll be stable and able to support myself.
15. Virtual hugs?
I'm more of a high-five or handshake kind of girl.
great idea to do this while having 3am feels :'D
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Oh boy. I was having a medical checkup and had to tell them the details. The situation itself was making me really uncomfortable, but having to figuratively reopen old wounds pushed me over the edge.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
My dearest friend. Not sure what I'd do without her. Sometimes she says the most insightful things that make me feel grounded. It's good to get a second opinion from someone you trust and I trust her completely.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Kinda, but that's just 'sitting around and bored' loneliness. I don't interact with people outside of work/responsibilities though and sometimes the lack of anything gets slightly maddening.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
I don't really do phone calls lol, but I talk to my two closest friends.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
I don't really do music that makes me feel "better" LOL
I listen to sad music when I'm already sad and wonder why I'm sad Or I listen to heavy music to make myself 'righteously' angry (and no I don't recommend that at all, it's a terrible coping strategy)
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
When I'm in the mood for dramatic sad, it's usually something classical/orchestral and/or something from an anime or game soundtrack that really got me down at the time LOL. Sixth Station from Spirited Away.
Otherwise, this guy's soundcloud here, especially 'CRT' and 'don't die'. I like that lo-fi chill stuff, and combining it with sad stuff takes me to my mental sad-peace world. Let me go on a bit of a tangent: it's why I like the Soul Cairn area in Skyrim. A lot of people don't like it because of how empty and utterly depressing it is, it's one type of afterlife that's effectively a purgatory with nothing but ruins, with no music. But, I like the dullness, the low-energy ambience and I get drawn to things like it that make sense to dislike because of the lack of people.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
No thank you.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
I haven't found any good ways.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
I'm very lucky I've never suffered any real abuse, but it's what I have nightmares about. It feels like being prey, being hunted until the angry mob catches you and beats you to death because they absolutely hate that you exist. I also get nightmares about holding a vital truth and nobody believes me. All of my dreams are very vivid and the nightmares are these ones that take place in a very 'real' setting so it's confusing and upsetting to wake up from. I have a bloody easier time dealing with the second type of nightmares I have, the ones with Silent Hill/Resident Evil-type flesh creatures.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My parents and my friends, the internet, and being born healthy despite the chances leaning towards complications and/or death. Like, we're talking barely viable. I guess I lucked out and then ever since I squandered my life lol.
12. One regret?
Disappearing one day.
13. One thing you're proud of?
I built my own computer, and people tend to like me. I really enjoyed hanging out with a specific group at one point in my life, they all liked me for me and it was all I could ever ask for. That's my regret, I vanished on them. One day somebody told me how much they missed me and how they kept asking where I was and it made me ache in the chest.
14. One thing you wish?
Oh god, wishes? Maybe this says it all; that I don't let myself wish because I don't think I deserve it, because I think all wishes will turn out to be tricks, because it will be taken away from me at the cruellest moment.
15. Virtual hugs?
Yeah cool bruh
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Oh boy. I was having a medical checkup and had to tell them the details. The situation itself was making me really uncomfortable, but having to figuratively reopen old wounds pushed me over the edge.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
My dearest friend. Not sure what I'd do without her. Sometimes she says the most insightful things that make me feel grounded. It's good to get a second opinion from someone you trust and I trust her completely.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Kinda, but that's just 'sitting around and bored' loneliness. I don't interact with people outside of work/responsibilities though and sometimes the lack of anything gets slightly maddening.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
I don't really do phone calls lol, but I talk to my two closest friends.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
I don't really do music that makes me feel "better" LOL
I listen to sad music when I'm already sad and wonder why I'm sad
Or I listen to heavy music to make myself 'righteously' angry (and no I don't recommend that at all, it's a terrible coping strategy)7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
When I'm in the mood for dramatic sad, it's usually something classical/orchestral and/or something from an anime or game soundtrack that really got me down at the time LOL. Sixth Station from Spirited Away.
Otherwise, this guy's soundcloud here, especially 'CRT' and 'don't die'. I like that lo-fi chill stuff, and combining it with sad stuff takes me to my mental sad-peace world. Let me go on a bit of a tangent: it's why I like the Soul Cairn area in Skyrim. A lot of people don't like it because of how empty and utterly depressing it is, it's one type of afterlife that's effectively a purgatory with nothing but ruins, with no music. But, I like the dullness, the low-energy ambience and I get drawn to things like it that make sense to dislike because of the lack of people.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
No thank you.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
I haven't found any good ways.
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
I'm very lucky I've never suffered any real abuse, but it's what I have nightmares about. It feels like being prey, being hunted until the angry mob catches you and beats you to death because they absolutely hate that you exist. I also get nightmares about holding a vital truth and nobody believes me. All of my dreams are very vivid and the nightmares are these ones that take place in a very 'real' setting so it's confusing and upsetting to wake up from. I have a bloody easier time dealing with the second type of nightmares I have, the ones with Silent Hill/Resident Evil-type flesh creatures.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
My parents and my friends, the internet, and being born healthy despite the chances leaning towards complications and/or death. Like, we're talking barely viable. I guess I lucked out and then ever since I squandered my life lol.
12. One regret?
Disappearing one day.
13. One thing you're proud of?
I built my own computer, and people tend to like me. I really enjoyed hanging out with a specific group at one point in my life, they all liked me for me and it was all I could ever ask for. That's my regret, I vanished on them. One day somebody told me how much they missed me and how they kept asking where I was and it made me ache in the chest.
14. One thing you wish?
Oh god, wishes? Maybe this says it all; that I don't let myself wish because I don't think I deserve it, because I think all wishes will turn out to be tricks, because it will be taken away from me at the cruellest moment.
15. Virtual hugs?
Yeah cool bruh
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
My mom never calling, writing, or talking to me and my siblings. My parents have been divorced since I was seven- so 12 years now- and at first it was good. We would go on the weekends and stay with her, she call and all that. But then she just quit. Both me and my sister are friends with her on Facebook and she rarely even attempts to talk to us.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
I can't remember but honestly it was probably over something stupid
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
My animals, hobbies like reading and drawing, RP, and my baby brother.
4. Are you lonely right now?
To tell the truth I feel lonely all the time. I have no friends anymore, no boyfriend. So I would say yes.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
I don't call anybody since I hate talking on the phone. If I need to vent or whatever I'll go out and talk to my horse or go for a walk and talk to myself.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
I just go through my favorite playlist. It has all genres so there are too many songs to name.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
I don't have one.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
I'm a little worried that I will never get over my social anxiety. I can barely talk to strangers and when I do I overreact and stutter and all kinds of blech... I also worry that I'm too afraid of change and to leave my comfort zone.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
I haven't really found one yet...
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not anymore than the majority of the population.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
Family
12. One regret?
Not taking more risks
13. One thing you're proud of?
My artistic ability.
14. One thing you wish?
To come out of my shell and take more risks
15. Virtual hugs?
Sure, why not?
My mom never calling, writing, or talking to me and my siblings. My parents have been divorced since I was seven- so 12 years now- and at first it was good. We would go on the weekends and stay with her, she call and all that. But then she just quit. Both me and my sister are friends with her on Facebook and she rarely even attempts to talk to us.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
I can't remember but honestly it was probably over something stupid
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
My animals, hobbies like reading and drawing, RP, and my baby brother.
4. Are you lonely right now?
To tell the truth I feel lonely all the time. I have no friends anymore, no boyfriend. So I would say yes.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
I don't call anybody since I hate talking on the phone. If I need to vent or whatever I'll go out and talk to my horse or go for a walk and talk to myself.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
I just go through my favorite playlist. It has all genres so there are too many songs to name.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
I don't have one.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
I'm a little worried that I will never get over my social anxiety. I can barely talk to strangers and when I do I overreact and stutter and all kinds of blech... I also worry that I'm too afraid of change and to leave my comfort zone.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
I haven't really found one yet...
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not anymore than the majority of the population.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
Family
12. One regret?
Not taking more risks
13. One thing you're proud of?
My artistic ability.
14. One thing you wish?
To come out of my shell and take more risks
15. Virtual hugs?
Sure, why not?
Pretty lengthy responses but...
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
When I had to decide that my well being is more important than forcing myself to be in my abusive step dads presence just to see me little brother. I haven't seen him in over two years, but, being around his father makes me physically sick and messes me up emotionally even though he's 'different' now and doesn't abuse me. When I look at the man all I see if someone who ruined my life. So I'll just have to wait until my brother is 18 and hope he doesn't hate me for never visiting.
It's very difficult because I raised him from the time he was born until our mother died when he was 8 and I went to live with my dad; but I also know that if my brother wanted to talk to me, he's 14. He could message or call me if he wanted to. But he doesn't. It's probably for the best...
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
A couple weeks ago. I had been sleeping on a really broken messed up bed for two years, espeically the last year it was getting worse and worse and one night it was hurting my body so badly I couldn't sleep whatsoever and just ended up balling my eyes out until 10am when I eventually passed out. I have a new bed now, but it took me melting down and wanting to die before I admitted it really was as bad as it was. I felt guilty because my dad had to buy my new bed and it's really expensive but after that I knew I needed to deal with.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
It used to be food. I have binge eating disorder. - 5 months clean at the moment, 4 years into recovery - Sometimes it's still food, but I am trying to stay away from that. Lately it's been listening to music, or watching let's plays on youtube.
4. Are you lonely right now?
In a sense. I have no friends in person, but I have friends online and long distance that I call and stuff, but I miss being in person with people, seeing their faces in front of mine, hugging them, and what not. It's just not the same especially when you've not hugged anyone other than your dad in three years lol. Hearing someones voice helps a lot, I love talking on the phone but a lot of people my age and stuff don't want to call anyone.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
My best friend. She's the only one of my friends that will call me, and it's why we're best friends, because we love talking on the phone and we are always saying the same things at the same time, calling each other at the same moment and getting each others voice mails. We may as well be married.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Panic! at The Disco songs. Usually, 'Victorious'.
Happy by Leona Lewis.
Magic by B.O.B
Gaston, from Beauty and The Beast.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Maria Mena. Not a band but, an artist.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
Pretty much just anxious about the fact I'm not getting my dang book done. I'm lacking motivation. I'm anxious that I'm not doing to be able to get the number of books out I want to per year that I know I need to in order to start making money, and eventually enough money to actually live on.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Frankly when I have anxiety it's either a 1-3 on the 1-10 scale, or a 15 LOL).
1-3- I'm mildly nervous. Either because life is getting stressful, there's a really unstable thunderstorm, or I haven't been sleeping all that great, but not horribly either, just enough that I feel unmotivated and tired. Occasionally it bumps up a little higher and I cry a bit, and need to have a tantrum and take a tap.
Frequency: Usually every 2-3 months for a week to two.
What I do: I end up usually cooking, cleaning, watching youtube, or netflix to distract myself. Packing food and clothing, and flash lights if there's a bad thunderstorm, preparing myself to go to the basement if I need to.
15 - I'm having a panic attack. There's usually no rational trigger, but I probably haven't slept more than 2-3 hours a night for the last week and it's making things worse. I'm probably crying on the floor, or in bed, pacing, jumping up and down and repeating that I 'just want to sleep'.
Frequency: It used to be every single day, but now it's once or twice a year at most.
What I do long term: Just ride it out. Cry, curl into a ball, pace, rock back and forth, jump up and down, lay down, get my dad if he's home. I don't take any long term medications for it.
What I do short term: If it's REALLY bad, like last year when I barely slept for eight days, and felt like my body was vibrating, I go to the emergency room, they prescribe me some short term anxiety meds, usually enough for ten days, and I take those until either the ten pills run out, or I am feeling better. Usually I only need about four or five days to 'reset' with the medication, and then I dispose of the extra pills so that I don't start taking them casually. They're an emergency only thing for me personally, and if I have them in the house I will end up taking them when I don't actually need them. (which is why they only give ten because short term anxiety meds like Xanax are addictive.)
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
I only have nightmares if I take sleeping pills or drink valerian root or peppermint tea. Usually they are just gross scary nightmares about holes in people's bodies parts for some reason - but my regular nightmares are usually just about my stepdad or my mom usually being really nice to me for no apparent reason which makes me nervous. And my mom is dead so seeing her in my dreams is uncomfortable.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
People who love me. My dad, my best friend, those two in particular.
12. One regret?
I'd say dropping out of high school, because I still don't have my GED even at 21, and feel bad about it, but honestly, I was miserable in high school and would have probably died.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My development in body positivity. I went from only wearing baggy tomboy clothing, and spraying my hair with tons of hair spray and wearing lots of makeup, all at the same time because I was so insecure with my chubby body and my curly hair being so huge and fluffy.
But now, even though I'm 5-6 sizes bigger than I was then, I love myself. I still dress tomboyish, and wear combat boots and flannel, but I also wear dresses, tight dresses, flowy dresses, bodycon skirts, crop tops. I wear anything and everything I want, and ignore people who tell me I'm 'unhealthy' (what they actually mean is they think I'm disgusting.) and apparently shouldn't wear nice clothing because of it.
My hair is also super poofy and curly and I love it, I don't use hair spray. And I rarely wear makeup. People are weird about it sometimes. I have a very all over the place style, I just dress in what I want to wear that day, so some days I'm wearing acid wash jeans, combat boots, and flannel, and the next day I'm wearing a pink dress, white sneakers and cat ears. It throws people off but, I don't care.
14. One thing you wish?
That I could help my dad with money around the house.
15. Virtual hugs?
Sure! *hugs*
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
When I had to decide that my well being is more important than forcing myself to be in my abusive step dads presence just to see me little brother. I haven't seen him in over two years, but, being around his father makes me physically sick and messes me up emotionally even though he's 'different' now and doesn't abuse me. When I look at the man all I see if someone who ruined my life. So I'll just have to wait until my brother is 18 and hope he doesn't hate me for never visiting.
It's very difficult because I raised him from the time he was born until our mother died when he was 8 and I went to live with my dad; but I also know that if my brother wanted to talk to me, he's 14. He could message or call me if he wanted to. But he doesn't. It's probably for the best...
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
A couple weeks ago. I had been sleeping on a really broken messed up bed for two years, espeically the last year it was getting worse and worse and one night it was hurting my body so badly I couldn't sleep whatsoever and just ended up balling my eyes out until 10am when I eventually passed out. I have a new bed now, but it took me melting down and wanting to die before I admitted it really was as bad as it was. I felt guilty because my dad had to buy my new bed and it's really expensive but after that I knew I needed to deal with.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
It used to be food. I have binge eating disorder. - 5 months clean at the moment, 4 years into recovery - Sometimes it's still food, but I am trying to stay away from that. Lately it's been listening to music, or watching let's plays on youtube.
4. Are you lonely right now?
In a sense. I have no friends in person, but I have friends online and long distance that I call and stuff, but I miss being in person with people, seeing their faces in front of mine, hugging them, and what not. It's just not the same especially when you've not hugged anyone other than your dad in three years lol. Hearing someones voice helps a lot, I love talking on the phone but a lot of people my age and stuff don't want to call anyone.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
My best friend. She's the only one of my friends that will call me, and it's why we're best friends, because we love talking on the phone and we are always saying the same things at the same time, calling each other at the same moment and getting each others voice mails. We may as well be married.
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Panic! at The Disco songs. Usually, 'Victorious'.
Happy by Leona Lewis.
Magic by B.O.B
Gaston, from Beauty and The Beast.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Maria Mena. Not a band but, an artist.
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
Pretty much just anxious about the fact I'm not getting my dang book done. I'm lacking motivation. I'm anxious that I'm not doing to be able to get the number of books out I want to per year that I know I need to in order to start making money, and eventually enough money to actually live on.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Frankly when I have anxiety it's either a 1-3 on the 1-10 scale, or a 15 LOL).
1-3- I'm mildly nervous. Either because life is getting stressful, there's a really unstable thunderstorm, or I haven't been sleeping all that great, but not horribly either, just enough that I feel unmotivated and tired. Occasionally it bumps up a little higher and I cry a bit, and need to have a tantrum and take a tap.
Frequency: Usually every 2-3 months for a week to two.
What I do: I end up usually cooking, cleaning, watching youtube, or netflix to distract myself. Packing food and clothing, and flash lights if there's a bad thunderstorm, preparing myself to go to the basement if I need to.
15 - I'm having a panic attack. There's usually no rational trigger, but I probably haven't slept more than 2-3 hours a night for the last week and it's making things worse. I'm probably crying on the floor, or in bed, pacing, jumping up and down and repeating that I 'just want to sleep'.
Frequency: It used to be every single day, but now it's once or twice a year at most.
What I do long term: Just ride it out. Cry, curl into a ball, pace, rock back and forth, jump up and down, lay down, get my dad if he's home. I don't take any long term medications for it.
What I do short term: If it's REALLY bad, like last year when I barely slept for eight days, and felt like my body was vibrating, I go to the emergency room, they prescribe me some short term anxiety meds, usually enough for ten days, and I take those until either the ten pills run out, or I am feeling better. Usually I only need about four or five days to 'reset' with the medication, and then I dispose of the extra pills so that I don't start taking them casually. They're an emergency only thing for me personally, and if I have them in the house I will end up taking them when I don't actually need them. (which is why they only give ten because short term anxiety meds like Xanax are addictive.)
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
I only have nightmares if I take sleeping pills or drink valerian root or peppermint tea. Usually they are just gross scary nightmares about holes in people's bodies parts for some reason - but my regular nightmares are usually just about my stepdad or my mom usually being really nice to me for no apparent reason which makes me nervous. And my mom is dead so seeing her in my dreams is uncomfortable.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
People who love me. My dad, my best friend, those two in particular.
12. One regret?
I'd say dropping out of high school, because I still don't have my GED even at 21, and feel bad about it, but honestly, I was miserable in high school and would have probably died.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My development in body positivity. I went from only wearing baggy tomboy clothing, and spraying my hair with tons of hair spray and wearing lots of makeup, all at the same time because I was so insecure with my chubby body and my curly hair being so huge and fluffy.
But now, even though I'm 5-6 sizes bigger than I was then, I love myself. I still dress tomboyish, and wear combat boots and flannel, but I also wear dresses, tight dresses, flowy dresses, bodycon skirts, crop tops. I wear anything and everything I want, and ignore people who tell me I'm 'unhealthy' (what they actually mean is they think I'm disgusting.) and apparently shouldn't wear nice clothing because of it.
My hair is also super poofy and curly and I love it, I don't use hair spray. And I rarely wear makeup. People are weird about it sometimes. I have a very all over the place style, I just dress in what I want to wear that day, so some days I'm wearing acid wash jeans, combat boots, and flannel, and the next day I'm wearing a pink dress, white sneakers and cat ears. It throws people off but, I don't care.
14. One thing you wish?
That I could help my dad with money around the house.
15. Virtual hugs?
Sure! *hugs*
Cass wrote:
Survey
Why? Because I come up with weird ideas in the middle of the night. *shrugs*
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
I used to have trouble setting boundaries. Because of this, a lot of people I trusted through being naive and believing in the good of everyone, brought me into some very heartbreaking times where I was devastated. I promised myself not to let anyone 'take from me' anymore. They must earn my friendship - it's not given freely anymore.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Today, but it was because I was laughing so hard. So that's good.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Singing, music, playing guitar.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Sometimes, but for right now, I'm content. I'm focusing on my studies.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
Mom!
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Nothing in particular, but comforting songs are nice. Such as 'Across the Universe' by the Beatles. The line 'nothing's going to change my world' reminds me that a million things can go wrong in life -- but I'm on my feet and rooted, and whatever will be, will be. That's life. It's what we make of it and we all are doing our best.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Florence & The Machine
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
I am excited about returning to University, which isn't as anxious as it is exciting. I miss someone who I cared/care deeply for -- the uncertainty of things 'unsaid' can sometimes bring confusion and deep thought.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Reminding myself that anxiety is just a symptom of something out of my control, an unpredictable outcome, or something that I "should" have done. - If I do the things I am supposed to do, I will not have anxiety, if it's things I can't control... what's the sense of being anxious?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not really. When I did, I was younger -- and they'd be about the most random subjects.
11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
The people who have proven that they deserve my friendship. I'll never take them for granted.
12. One regret?
I wish my brother and I were closer, but I feel as though we're continuing to drift apart.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My education.
14. One thing you wish?
I genuinely hope to find love -- and if I don't? My education will allow me to support myself once I finish my degrees, so I do not have to 'count on' anybody. I'll be stable and able to support myself.
15. Virtual hugs?
I'm more of a high-five or handshake kind of girl.
Why? Because I come up with weird ideas in the middle of the night. *shrugs*
1. What's one thing that hurt you deeply?
I used to have trouble setting boundaries. Because of this, a lot of people I trusted through being naive and believing in the good of everyone, brought me into some very heartbreaking times where I was devastated. I promised myself not to let anyone 'take from me' anymore. They must earn my friendship - it's not given freely anymore.
2. When's the last time you cried and why?
Today, but it was because I was laughing so hard. So that's good.
3. Who/what makes you feel better when you're feeling sad?
Singing, music, playing guitar.
4. Are you lonely right now?
Sometimes, but for right now, I'm content. I'm focusing on my studies.
5. Who do you call when you need someone to talk to?
Mom!
6. What songs do you listen to when you're sad or anxious that make you feel better?
Nothing in particular, but comforting songs are nice. Such as 'Across the Universe' by the Beatles. The line 'nothing's going to change my world' reminds me that a million things can go wrong in life -- but I'm on my feet and rooted, and whatever will be, will be. That's life. It's what we make of it and we all are doing our best.
7. What's your favorite "sad mood" band?
Florence & The Machine
8. Anxious about anything in particular in the future that you'd like to talk about?
I am excited about returning to University, which isn't as anxious as it is exciting. I miss someone who I cared/care deeply for -- the uncertainty of things 'unsaid' can sometimes bring confusion and deep thought.
9. What's the best way you've found to deal with anxiety?
Reminding myself that anxiety is just a symptom of something out of my control, an unpredictable outcome, or something that I "should" have done. - If I do the things I am supposed to do, I will not have anxiety, if it's things I can't control... what's the sense of being anxious?
10. Do you have nightmares and about what?
Not really.
When I did, I was younger -- and they'd be about the most random subjects.11. What's one thing in the world that you are grateful for?
The people who have proven that they deserve my friendship. I'll never take them for granted.
12. One regret?
I wish my brother and I were closer, but I feel as though we're continuing to drift apart.
13. One thing you're proud of?
My education.
14. One thing you wish?
I genuinely hope to find love -- and if I don't? My education will allow me to support myself once I finish my degrees, so I do not have to 'count on' anybody. I'll be stable and able to support myself.
15. Virtual hugs?
I'm more of a high-five or handshake kind of girl.
*High-five!*
(((((Florence and the Machine)))))
We're going to see them in concert soon! I love nearly every song. I especially like her concert on YouTube live at Royal Albert Hall in London...There is a full orchestra! Her voice and the backup vocals are gorgeous. If you end up back here and see this and would like to say...what's your favorite FTM song?
Glad you got to the place you got to, Cass and thank you for all you do, you're a blessing to others here.
****Also, I like your answer to Question #9, the...if I'm rephrase your thoughts correctly...the realizing anxiety comes from unecessary thoughts about past or future, worries or regrets, both of which are futile if we take the actions that we can and let it go. Deep stuff.****
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