Forums » Smalltalk » How to ask people to stop being *touchy*?

So, I don't mean touchy as in sensitive I mean touchy as in touching me. Now, they're not actually touching me because I'm talking about via PM.

Fine with the occasional *hugs*
and *gives you blanket/food*, once I actually know you and have been talking to you ooc and we are good friends, but lately I'm getting really frustrated and uncomfortable with the amount of people who barely know me, or rarely talk to me, doing things like,

*cuddles you*

or

*lays head on your lap*

or

*kisses your cheek*

or

*rubs your hair*

And various other things that aren't inherently sexual and I can tell are meant to be friendly or comforting but make me wildly uncomfortable regardless.

I've tried mostly just not responding to it, not reacting and just continuing like it didn't happen hoping they'd get the drift after I didn't *cuddle* them back or whatever. But... Yeah no it just keeps happening and I find myself getting really aggravated and it makes me want to stop talking to them all together.

Whenever I think of saying something to them I just end up wanting to be like

'Yeah no let's not do that'

But that sounds too harsh. And I just don't know how to tell these people to stop because it's obviously a big part of how they talk to people but I do not like it. And it makes me want to stop talking to people immediately when they do that...

I've had several people messaging me trying to be friendly but then I never respond because half of their messages are them cuddling me... And I'm instantly deterred from talking to them.

Same here haha

I suggest you reply to the message with whatever topic of the conversation was and just add something in the lines of "and hey, I really don't want to sound rude, I just don't like *those* types of messages, it's not your fault!" or something like that. If you're worried about hurting them, just say it as nicely as possible that isn't them that it's the issue, just that unnecessary detail of cuddling with a person through messages you don't even know what they even look like.

That's a good point. I think I overdo this, myself.

And as someone that overdoes that sort of stuff myself, I would definitely definitely want to know if I was saying things like that to someone and it was making them feel uncomfortable. Because that would literally take away the reason for doing it, so maybe it would solve the problem. This is a case where it's different than in real life, because in real life, we can read body language cues. So you have to do the work of the body language cues with words.

Fortunately, you're very good with words!

I think if you explained the problem just the way you explained it here, that anyone would understand and not take it personally. Just let them know that you appreciate the intention behind it, just that it makes you uncomfortable. (The intention is wasted, because it doesn't have it's intended effect.) If I was those ppl you're talking about, I would rather not lose a friend, by having you go completely radio silent on them, and never knowing why I lost the friend, versus just being told that I'm doing something that makes someone uncomfortable, but that they want to continue to be my friend. Does that makes sense? Maybe different would react differently, but for me, I would want you to let me know. So that I can change what I'm doing.

This is interesting....I wonder if a lot of other people feel the same way. This changes the way I think a little bit. I've gotta be a bit more careful about this sort if stuff. The virtual hugs work, is because they kinda activate that part of the brain when you imagine a hug, so in a way, it does have a real effect (maybe "psychosomatic response" is the right word? Idk) But I guess that cuts both ways. Just like it can feel a bit like you're getting an actual hug even though it's virtual, I guess it can feel a bit like someone is actually invading your physical space, even though it's virtual. Hmmm..

Welp I for one am going to try to be more aware of when I do that and then someone doesn't do it back -- I'm gonna be aware that that might be a sign of discomfort, and clarify. So thanks for explaining this. But also I hope it helps and that whoever is doing it will be able to read it and understand so they can make you feel comfortable which I'm sure they'll want to do if they're a good friend! And if they don't want to do that, well, then ..maybe not such a good friend. So better to know now. Hope this helped.

Everyone has their own level of comfort, and that's usually what they default to when dealing with other people.

Your absolute best bet is to just flat-out tell them how you feel. To do this in the nicest way, you can say something like, "I know you mean well, and I really appreciate your kind gestures, but the amount of touching (ie your *cuddles*, *pats head*, etc) personally makes me uncomfortable. I would really appreciate it if you could message me and speak with me without doing those things. Thank you so much for being considerate!"

Honesty is the #1 policy, 100% of the time. This person has no idea that what they are doing is making you uncomfortable, so you should just tell them! They probably have many friends who don't mind it and do the same thing, so they can't possibly know that you don't like it. Asking them nicely to please stop will make a world of difference.

It's hard to set boundaries because a lot of people respond negatively to someone claiming their personal space, especially when they've grown up to it being normal to be physically touchy (and it translating into text) or they struggle with social boundaries. They don't mean any harm, but their comfort being who they are doesn't override your right to your comfort and being who you are!

My best advice is to just be honest without being mean, and let others worry about how they respond to it. We can't control how others feel, and it's perfectly within our rights to set these boundaries for ourselves. There is nothing inherently rude or terrible about "I'm not comfortable with these displays of affection, including in text. Please stop, thank you" and it's not your job to put extra energy into phrasing things sweetly just in case someone doesn't know how to handle it.

"Being nice" doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own comfort or boundaries. It just means don't be mean about enforcing them!

Don't be afraid to tell someone to knock it off if they get all up in your space. I usually don't have this issue, but fully understand that not everyone likes the same thing.

If the above suggestions do not work, don't be afraid to get a bit more firm with things--they did get a fair warning by that point.

If being nice doesn't work, get firm. If they persist, a simple "I thought I asked you not to do that" is a good example.
If they persist past this, then they deserve exactly what is gonna come at them. Fortunately, you shouldn't need this tip, but it's here if ever I should be mistaken...

Honesty is the only policy when this is happening. You must set a boundary for yourself and Celestina is extremely right. However, you must understand that you are in no way being mean to anyone when you explicitly tell someone what makes you uncomfortable. If their feelings are hurt by you saying that this makes you uncomfortable and they only respond to you with how sad this makes them that they cannot do those actions with you, then I personally feel that that is disrespecting how you feel.

It is one thing to be disappointed with not being able to do your own well meant behaviours for comfort or friendly purposes, and by no means should they apologize for how they like to Express their friendship, but if their reaction is more or less on a set of telling you how hurt they are that they cannot do these things then I would avoid those people further. Your boundaries are your safety net and in a true friendship they should be respected and not make you feel guilty for expressing them.

Simply saying "hey. Can you not do those actions? I am not okay with touching and I would like to try to know you more before this stuff goes on." You can thank them for respecting your boundaries and friendship with them, but I would personally not thank anyone until they have shown their agreement without acting as though you have wounded them. Thanking them before can come off very stern and abrupt and that is totally a legitimate thing to say to them without it actually being rude, but I just personally feel that the agreement should come first and you should gauge their reaction.

To make something light for those that would like to show you their friendly affections without being so hands on, it could be very beneficial to also tell them what ways you really like to receive someone's comfort in the conversation you have with them. Would some things like "*send good energy* or *tosses good vibes your way* for comfort purposes be okay for a new person to do for you?

I, for myself, can understand how even that can be unsettling despite how well it is meant to be received. So, when expressing your boundaries you could tell them further things that are okay and what are not okay to help them see that you dont want them to feel bad for what they are doing.

Be honest and straight forward with your feelings at all costs. Ignoring that behaviour and simply not reacting will not make the situation change or be better. Some people have different social queues and as we all develop here socially at every age, we learn best when someone is honest and up front with their feelings and it can even help others learn to be able to do the same for their own boundaries.

Here to echo what Sanne, Celestinagrey and PrettySir have already said.

Setting personally boundaries to allow ourselves to feel safe never really gets taught to us, but when we are younger, we tend to depend on our parents and families to protect us. When we get older, without notice, at some point it becomes our own job. There is never anything wrong with protecting yourself. If you are worried about making others feel bad, tell them as gently and as sugar coated as you like (because this is also about making you feel more all right with, well ultimately standing up for yourself in this way), but remember to reitirate the main point "I feel uncomfortable when.." and you can even add in "I know you don't do this with the intention of making me feel uncomfortable, but I simply do."

Honesty is always the best policy, because you're not only being honest with others, you're being honest with yourself. This also permits others to know that they are making you feel uncomfortable, which in turn can be just as horrifying to them upon finding out, as much as you have been made to feel uncomfortable unbeknownst to them. I can personally say that I would much rather know when I am trespassing against someone I care about than not.

No one's a mind reader, right? So, do what's best for you, and like PrettySir mentions, that way it in turn opens the floor for them to speak up about anything, and dissolves any apprehension or eggshells, and makes talking about these things easy and clearly approachable. It makes friendships and bonds stronger. But, just as PrettySir also warns, if it's more important to a person that they are hurt, perhaps take a step back and re-evaluate.

All the best to you.

I have had people take it the wrong way when I asked them to stop doing things like that. I’ve had people get really creepy on me before and try to push things beyond chatting and OOC goofing off. It says more about them than it does about you if you politely ask them to stop and they get angry.

If someone creeps me out, I'm gonna ask them to change their language/behavior right away, in a polite but completely upfront and honest way, no beating around the bush. If someone were to keep doing it or respond negatively to that I'd block them. Problem solved. it's the internet after all, you can fully control who's communicating with you, unlike in person.

Yeah, those weird things you mentioned...

I'm all for hugs, and even I find that weird!

I don't want someone putting THEIR HEAD ON MY LAP

THAT'S JUST.... WEIRD

AND CREEPY

Sorry I didn't have any advice, I just know how nice it is to know you're agreed with!!

*Eyes dart back and forth*

Sorry if I'm just being weird and awkwardddd

Welp, byeeee

Like everyone else, I say to tell them honestly. It can be hard to think how to do that politely, but I think people have some good suggestions here.

If they continue, since it might just be that they forgot or something, I'd suggest repeating it and/or warning them first, but I'm going to say that you are within your rights to block them. Maybe temporarily, so they get the point, or maybe leave it that way so you don't have to stress about how to deal with them.

I want to add that I am saying this as a trained professional cuddler. If someone doesn't want to be touched, don't touch them. If someone is sensitive to that for any reason, digital can be just as bad as the real thing. Ideally, people ask before they touch, or at least phrase it as an offer. (I personally usually try to do *offers hugs* instead of just *hugs* to give the person the option. It's still not ideal, but it goes a little more smoothly and I think is an easier step than full ask first every time.)

Even I don't want to be touched sometimes.

Thank you everyone. Your advice is really helpful and it means a lot to me that other people understand. I have a hard time with it because it instantly makes me kind of defensive and flustered, but I'm going to write a response, and save that somewhere so I can just paste it when I need one.