Forums » RP Discussion » Roleplaying for the Shy Types, Part II

Hey, everyone! I remember posting a similar thread about this two years back, but I think this is a topic that needs to be revisited every so often so it can help out other people with updated information.

So... To all you outgoing, chatty, or conversationalist-type roleplayers out there: do you have any helpful or constructive tips or advice for the more shy and anxious people wanting to find roleplay or wishing to open up more to their partners OOCly?

When I mean shy, I'm not talking the whole "cute fussing with your fingers, kinda quiet" sort of shy. (Though this may help out those types, too!) I mean, "the thought of having a conversation makes me want to panic and/or run far away before curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out" type of shy; the painfully or cripplingly shy or anxious types who still want to enjoy roleplay, but can't because they have a tendency to freeze up or flee for whatever reason.

Also, if there are any other shy or anxious players who have managed to get over this hurdle and find some amazing roleplay, I'd love to hear from you and get some constructive input as well! It's always good to hear from others who was in a similar boat once or twice for some positive encouragement.

(Edited for a bit of clarification.)

Hello!

This is a really great topic!

What you're describing sounds a lot more like anxiety and not just shyness to me. Which is weird, right? Because we're all pretty anonymous online, why should crippling social anxiety be a thing here?! But I totally get it, it is. I struggle with it a ton in certain settings. My limit seems to be larger group settings in MMO's, I get very overwhelmed by several people rping at once, especially if there aren't turns, I freeze and then degrade myself because I've been rping so long, I should be able to handle that!

For me, there is a lot of strength in really knowing what you want out of your RP experience and being familiar with your own comfort zone and it's limits. As someone who has overcome some pretty serious anxiety disorders, I'm totally in favor of pushing those boundaries, but with baby steps and being kind to yourself when it doesn't go exactly as you planned.

The more you trust yourself, the easier it gets opening up to others too. It just takes time and practice to prove to yourself (a million times over) that it really isn't as bad as your brain is telling you it is.

Try being honest too! You'd be surprised just how many people relate, and even if they don't I've found that more often than not, people are very understanding. I can't tell you how many times I've given the disclaimer "So, I'm REALLY awkward, don't mind me, it's just the anxiety." It puts me at ease, usually gets a laugh, and if something does seem to go wrong, it isn't the end of the world because everyone involved was already expecting it!

Everyone gets awkward now and then, even people who seem like they're really cool and chill at all times. I'm not shy but I do suffer from PTSD, and social anxiety comes with that. Lately I've learned I need to be more patient and try to step back, and see the big picture, rather than focusing on every little detail constantly.
But, there are some people who are more paranoid about saying the wrong thing, I can't really relate. My thing is more like trying to read into what other people are saying too much. I guess that advice could work for any type of person, though.

Oh gosh. I'm not really shy, but have anxiety which fits this description well.

What helped me tremendously is realizing not to take things personal. Most of my anxiety came from 'What if x hates me when I send this?' or 'What if I look like a terrible person if I say this?' and so forth. The reality is that in most situations, I just didn't have enough info to make such a call. I was filling in blanks.

If I didn't hear from someone, I gave in to doomsday scenarios in my head.
The reality: that person had a long day at work and fell asleep before being able to get back to me.

This means I was creating self-fulfilling prophecies, because I assumed that they hated me, cut communication and left behind a confused and frustrated person who didn't understand why I did that.

I also realized after getting into therapy that I have SPS - sensory processing sensitivity - which in a very short summary includes that my emotions are more amplified because I process them differently and have highly emotional reactions, among other things. Knowing why I react so strongly to a lot of situations helped me a lot in my interactions with people.

I have a much easier time talking to others now because I figured out why I have anxiety, what triggers it, and how to manage it when it happens. Understanding myself was the key. There's no easy way to deal with this. I think a person needs to invest in themselves and work on answering these kind of questions, and then expose themselves to anxiety inducing situations in a controlled manner to help overcome some of the negative associations. It's a long process, but the outcome is worth it.

I also agree with Mewcifer that communicating what you're dealing with can help dramatically. If people had known I was anxious and couldn't cope well, they might have been able to react in a constructive way rather than feeling cheated out of invested time and energy in me.

As a former RP trainer I heartily approve of this thread. Here are my personal tidbits of advice:

Firstly, You are not alone! - I have RPed with literally thousands of people over the past thirty years and all but a scant handful have worried about their RP in some form or another. Will they like/want to do this? Is it descriptive enough? Is this canon? Is this funny/stupid/etc? Is this god-mode’ing? And my personal Achilles Heel; too many ideas, which to choose?!? This is normal

Second piece of advice, at least in forum RP, is to remember We’re all here to RP! – It’s easy to get wrapped up in your self-consciousness and trick yourself into thinking you’re “not good enough” to write with someone else, but the reality is that “elitist” RPers are exceptionally rare, I’ve run into maybe four or five in my entire RP ‘career.’ Even us more experienced RPers are super forgiving because we’ve all been exactly where you are – maybe it was a long while ago, but even I still get “intimidated” about RPs. Not even a year ago I had an awesome long-term writing partner who regularly had my stomach in butterflies about my writing quality and maintaining the flow of the story – and I literally write novels! We just loved the story vibe we had going so much that I, we both, stressed about messing the sheer beauty of it up >.<

Third, Experience is overrated – I know it sounds counter-intuitive at first, but seriously, every single partner/character is different, every story is different, every situation is different. RP isn’t like a linear thing, where you gain levels or something the longer you play. The only “experience” that’s maybe particularly helpful in RP is reading comprehension, but even that doesn’t always pan out in the end when your crossing language barriers and your partners reading comprehension levels as well. There’s kind of just basic guideline stuff like giving enough to move the plot forward and that’s kind of the only “it factor” that’s specifically necessary every time. Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are always great skills to have too, but that's more "education" than "experience" in my opinion.

Fourth, as an addendum, Live public RP is HARD – I can’t even count how many folks get overwhelmed by live public RP; easily half the folks I’ve live RPed with have wanted, /needed,/ to escape to more secluded and private slower paced RP where they can ‘take turns’ so to speak. Server RP events are easily one of my biggest RP challenges. I’m so, so fortunate that I can both speed read and type very fast, but even with that massive advantage RP parties are absolutely nerve wracking. So no, don’t even think that getting lost in the rapid fire of live multiple person RP is a problem unique to you, or that it is /at all/ some kind of flaw you personally have. It is not – and I’m not at all the ‘shy’ type (in RL or IC – like, I’ve run numerous RP guilds and been a server RP ambassador whose literal job was to RP with everyone.) I’ll also tack in here that MMO live RP is a bit more… tricky because of trolls. All I can say about them is that pretty much all RP’ers think they’re pills. Just ignore them best you can and focus on the folks who want to RP – and if that takes making a warband or party so you can actually read what your RP partners are saying through all the troll spamming – so be it. Don’t engage because it just encourages their childish antics >.<

Finally, and this isn’t a bold tip here, just a soft suggestion, Let us know – if you’re new, or super-anxious (be that about a specific detail that comes up, or just in general) tell us OOC’ly. As long as it’s not like every other reply, over 90% of us are going to come back with “no worries” because we get it. We’re just there to have fun and RP, ya know? It’s not like we are teachers who are going to ‘grade’ your work, or that we have some magic answer sheet either. The vast majority of us write with others because we crave that element of surprise that comes with a separate unique persons ideas and responses. If we wanted it to go a certain way and be exactly this or that, we’d write a novel instead. Also, when you're doing multiple person RP, it is perfectly acceptable to the vast majority of us to take turns; it helps us out too!

I'm different from you in that I am at my bravest online, but get bad social anxiety when talking on the phone, and in person with people I don't already know well.

However I can understand. I had an RP partner once who specifically said up front that they prefer not to chat OOC unless it's to plan the story. They said they are shy and "I let my characters do the talking for me." I thought that was a pretty good way to put it. And it didn't bother me. So you might consider trying an approach like that. Then you could get the RP without having to have anxiety about the OOC chats so much.

Otherwise, if talking OOC, having a premade list of interesting questions like their favorite RP or book or type of restaurant or show can be good for breaking the ice.

I don't know about you all guys, but I hide my anxieties and insecurities by acting like an asshole and making sarcastic remarks. I guess that isn't the best idea, but eh. It works.

I identify so much with this! Even though my RP writing is mostly very detailed (the longest it ever took me to write a paragraph that was meant to set the scene was, I think, about half an hour of non-stop writing - what can I say, I get carried away extremely easily and honestly spend more time editing lines out of my writing than I do actually writing them), I completely shut off when it comes to OOC that isn't really related to the story, which is mostly due to social anxiety. My fear of, sort of, communicating with people I don't really know that well even used to extend to my RP writing. I'd often fear that my RP partners would think I wasn't interested in RPing with them anymore if I didn't churn out a reply when they had sent me their newest addition to the story. It resulted in my writing getting lower in terms of quality, as I rushed it and only went for the most obvious options. Don't get me wrong, taking the obvious options is necessary sometimes, but it's usually not the way I roll, I like a lot of twists and drama in my RP. Once I began noticing the continuous drops in quality, I had to force myself to actually think while I was writing again.

I don’t have a good advice.

My anxiety symptoms are quite mild, so I might not be as accurate.

But basically, think something along the lines of ‘@£$% this, I will deal with it as it comes.’ And whenever anxiety threatens to drown you, scream random things in your head and distract yourself until you eventually have to reply to that conversation, hesitate for about thirty minutes before realising that it would be worse if you ignored them completely and say something along the lines of ‘Oh yeah xxx xxx’

A deep-felt Tahnk you! for tihis post!

Weird fact - telling people who know me that I am anxious, introvert and shy makes them laugh out loud... - as once as I am in friendly contact, I can be quiet outgoing and chatty... - but the path till I get there is a stony, steep and hard one, full of bushes to hide behind and emergency exits for possible escape routes... 0o

So, yeah - for me it was and still after more than a decade of RPing the hardest part of the whole writing procedure is the same as in any RL-social-scenario: to get in touch.

Often this "silent staring", or "silent lingering" is misjudged to be arrogance, indiference or/and disinterest.
It could not be further from the truth.

I always assume me contacting others will be a bother, a burden, a pathetic weirdo clawing for attention... - and so more often than not I simply sit there, read forum posts and introdcutions and invites... and keep on scrolling, too anxious to contribute or start contact.
The fact that English is not my 1st language does not help either... 0o

However, with the help of the one or the other good friend - one in particular - I am working on pushing and expanding my comfort zone and thus such forum-posts like this do happen now and then