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Which should come first: your needs or others?

A few minutes of “free time” so I decided to pose this question

Others needs are more important

Yourself, unless they mean a lot to you like family or a significant other. Doesn't make sense to cater to someone who you don't see in person.

The best relationships are the ones that are mutually beneficial. Where both parties gain more than they would have had had they never had the relationship. In those kinds of relationships, sometimes you take, and sometimes you give, depending on who needs what, when. It's like in HFY, sometimes you are encouraging someone, sometimes you are needing encouragement. It doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. For specific situations, it's a judgement call. Sometimes you have to take care of your own needs first so that you are capable of taking care of other peoples' needs. Otherwise you can't. Sometimes, you take a hit for somebody. Because you love them. The ex-cop who jumps in front of a bullet that was headed for a pregnant woman makes a choice. It's a choice based on love. Even though she's a stranger. But if that ex-cop has a pregnant wife at home he might not make the same choice. Because he wants to be there for his wife and child. And that's also a choice based on love.

So there are no one-size-fits-all answers to this question.

Personally, I make sure others come first. But it's also important that you take care of yourself...so, both in healthy amounts.

It kind of goes both ways. Normally another’s needs are more important to me but if it puts my own health at risk for example then my needs will come first.

My immediate answer to this question used to be that others' needs should come first...but living like that without ever attending to your own needs is not healthy. I learned the hard lesson that you can't take care of others without first taking care of yourself. It's like how on airplanes, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping those around you with theirs. Helping others is good, but if your own needs aren't met you don't have much to give in the first place.

I believe others needs should come first. When you help everyone then eventually you will be affected also. Helping others always seems to come out better for everyone involved, even you, the helper.

You cannot adequately help another if you do not adequately take care of yourself.

Tend to your needs first, so you can better tend to the needs of others.

^^^^

Treat yoself first, honestly. Other people can easily leave you and hurt you and you'd end up regretting for burning yourself to keep others warm (a legendary quote)

It's nice to take care of others, but as Novalyyn said, if you don't take care and help yourself, you can't really take care of others. Also, not everyone is worth your time, as harsh as it sounds.

I actually want to come back and elaborate.

First, it has been very well shown by research that when we are stressed, we make worse decisions. One of the odder studies I heard of that shows this gave a group of farmers the same IQ test before and after harvest - when they had the most money vs when they had the least and were barely scraping by. (Yes, IQ tests have issues, but this was just to compare people to themselves at different points.) During the time they were scraping to get by, there was a significant universal drop in performance on the test compared to when there was plenty to go around, indicating that it's harder to think about anything but survival when you are struggling to get by.

Second, more personal, some experiences of mine.

More recently, back in July, I got overwhelmed. I wasn't taking care of my needs, in fact I had pushed away someone who is a wonderful emotional stabilizer for me (long story, not relevant), and I was suddenly also buried in the emotional troubles of others. I barely survived the first few weeks of July. Around the start of August, I also over-estimated my recovery and was quickly knocked back down. Even though I've had help recovering from that, I'm still kinda limping, emotionally speaking, and I'm having to keep very aware of what I'm putting my energy into. This doesn't mean I can't still help people - doing nothing at all would actually make things worse for me. But I am having to consider when I feel up to helping, what I feel up to helping with, and if it would be better for me to help through less direct means (such as bringing the issue to the attention of someone else).

Less recently, I used to be involved in political stuff on FB a lot, partly trying to mediate, mostly trying to get people to realize other people with differing thought patterns exist. I was trying to help improve the situation for marginalized groups a lot of the time, and I assured myself it was okay if I didn't personally see the change, because that kind of change is painfully slow and it's been estimated that someone has to mull an idea over for around 6 months before they'll actually change their mind. But it was exhausting, and it was frustrating, and eventually it seemed like all I was successfully doing was irritating those close to me. And honestly, as far as those things go, I saw something helpful: for those who don't have the energy for the "front lines," that they are still needed as "medics" with encouragement and understanding for those who are exhausted. Once again, it's possible to take care of yourself and still help, just by helping in a different way.

But you can't help anyone if you starve. You can't help anyone if you can't move, or can't get out of bed. You can't help anyone if you don't address your own needs, because there will be nothing to give.

One of the most important rules in HfY is that you should only help others when you're up for it. There is no obligation to help others, and choosing to help yourself first is encouraged, and it doesn't mean you're selfish or wrong for choosing yourself.

I personally think a lot of emotional anguish, anxiety and depression gets amplified when we neglect our own needs and focus on others. I certainly notice it myself.

The only reason I'm good at helping others right now is because I make the conscious choice to not interact with the group when I'm doing poorly. I choose not to respond to friends in need because I recognize I can't currently help them. (I do encourage communicating 'right now is a bad time for me emotionally, but I'll get back to you in x days' - that'll reassure your friend and explain the situation as non-personal.)

Me first so I don't die. When I'm not worried about that? I can take care of others who deserve it... which is very few people, let's be honest. There's a minimum I need to put in myself and I don't actively go out of my way to find people and help them. You need to get in touch with me, tell me exactly what I can do to help, and hope I already took care of myself for the immediate future, then I can worry about your issue.

Here's what I say:

For me, everyone else first.

For everyone else, themselves first.

Anyone is isn't TardisCatTwo, you matter first.

Alright?

Alright.

Depends. Generally I'll put myself first, but if helping someone isn't a huge drawback I like to make others happy. But in the end, my own health and well being is more important to me than others happiness.

We teach best by example. If we want others to care for themselves, we should show them us taking care of ourselves.

Like you say about healthy boundaries. I'm so glad you are able to navigate that.

Smart

That's a hard one to answer but I'll do my best. Of course personal needs shouldn't come above others like if the need is medical or for health reasons of course your needs should come above someone else's. What's the point of placing someone else's needs above your own if you don't take care of your own needs first.

An Example: Say you've broken your ankle your still healing and yet despite this you still insist on working your job despite the fact that it might endanger others due to not being able to do said job or work as well as you used to be able to. Shouldn't you take care of your own needs first in that case?

On the other hand if the needs of yourself are personal needs like having TV Service and what not and there is like someone who has nothing of the sort or is homeless on the street I think their needs should come first. What does it matter if you don't have TV or hot water for awhile that other person may not have any of that.