Forums » Smalltalk » Abusive parenting - dealing with it

Hey. So, I just need a place to rant.

Do not suggest the Here For You group if you reply. Thank you.


My mother has been leaning on me repeatedly for the majority of my life to be her emotional support and crutch. She has relied on my to try and make her feel better about her appearance, her worth, her skills and abilities, her friendships, and even her marriage. She has even gone as far as asking me to tell people who she believes make her unhappy with herself that they are at blame for her hating herself.

She has blamed me for her hating herself. Most of my life she has done this to me and my siblings and I am exhausted. I am growing so weary. If I dont fulfill her needs enough she will then say that no one ever does anything for her and that she is a horrible and ugly person and that we her children are ungrateful and mean to her.

There are obviously good times. She has been supportive in emotional, physical, and financial means to all of us but when we dont make her feel better about herself or put her on the highest pedastul we are shut down and degraded for it. She has gone so far now to block my sister on social media and through her phone because my sister didn't leave a voicemail when she called to see if my mom wanted to go out with her tonight.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this and I dont know what else to do besides keep telling my mom that things will get better and console my sister who honestly didn't do anything wrong.

I'm just so damn tired... I am sick of being emotional beat upon because I dont give her all of life's answers or hand her a job, friends, and a lover on a silver platter that also hand her everything she wants on silver platters. She expects everyone to go only to her for friendship and that she should never have to make an effort in being someone's friend or even help make plans. She just invites herself to things and then when someone doesn't jump and take all the responsibility for her being there and being over the moon excited for her to be there she automatically throws out this blame of hate that no one ever loves her.

I know its because she doesn't love herself. I know she has to make decisions to love herself and do the work for herself, but how long is too long of being this positive driving force when she refuses to even try to be positive on her own???

Alright, this'll probably sound odd since I can't directly relate, but I'll do my best nonetheless.

I think the best thing I can offer here is telling you that you should not be afraid to say it how it is. Fear of offending or upsetting her will only allow it to fester. When someone's behaviour is toxic, they need to be made aware of it. If you are worried that she might do something silly or hurt herself, it may be wise to seek external help for her, or encourage her to seek it herself.

Whilst it isn't something I've ever been at the brunt of before, I spent an awful long time watching my dad essentially serve as stress relief for my grandfather. My dad - like me - lost his mother when he was young. My dad has doted on me for my whole life by himself, though I expect that was mainly because his dad never did the same for him. My granddad was (is) a hateful, arrogant man, who despised himself so deeply that he'd constantly demand verification and ego-boosters from the people around him.

I know that everyone is vastly different from one another, but I thought I'd share that after finally convincing my dad to sit my granddad down and clearly explain how exhausting his behaviour was, things started improving. Things are still far from perfect since old habits die hard, but they're getting better.

Whilst it often seems like the better option, beating around the bush is rarely effective. Facing someone directly might cause them to lash out, but they very often see the message after they call down. Of course, you might have already approached her head-on, in which case you can just slap me n' send me packing.

In any case, I hope things get better for you Nile. All the best for you, Demi, and the rest of your family.

As someone who grew up under a great deal of abuse and neglect, I wanted to chime in. I also had a mother who was codependent due to more than one mental illness, one of which was severe enough that no contact was necessary to maintain my own mental health.

Boundaries are so important when dealing with someone who isn't healthy to be around. It's okay to limit contact if possible and it's entirely okay to refuse to engage. Keep in mind that when we place boundaries, toxic personality people will try to violate them, often repeatedly. That doesn't mean you should give up or stop having them. Rather, it means you should build more.

My own mother got to the point where if I didn't let her stay in my very small 2 bedroom townhome where I already have a husband and two children, she was going to disown me. I let her disown me. She was very cruel about it and made sure everyone knew how little I loved her and that I was the worst possible person. I can't tell you how much that hurt, but I can tell you that life got so much better when she was no longer in mine. Sometimes family doesn't mean forever and that is okay. It's okay to end ties with people who hurt you, even if they gave birth to you. Even if you love them. But only you can decide when the time to let go is, or if it ever will be time to do so.

Just know that if that time ever comes, you aren't a horrible person for doing so. And if it never does, know that you aren't a horrible person for wanting boundaries. You aren't a pushover for loving your mom in spite of her abuse and you aren't a bad child for wanting to be happy and healthy and not her crutch. You shouldn't have to be.

I was browsing through Pinterest and a picture reminded me of this thread.



I think Selkieborn really has it all covered, but something just struck me. Your mother is the one who's supposed to be giving you unconditional love. It's not the child's responsibility to take care of the mom and worry about her emotional state, it should be the other way around. I know things must be more complicated than that for adults, and there are so many levels here I'm not seeing, but there should be at least an equal amount of love and care going both ways.

I used to do this for people, hoping that if I showed them love, they would love me back the way family should. They never actually did. They just continued to take me for granted, and when I stopped giving them money, time, and emotional support, they actually got pissed off and accused me of stealing (!?!) from them. It was awful for a while. But I give them basically nothing now. I'm still nice to them but in a distant way, and our relationship is much better. I don't have that ideal relationship that the movies say you should have with your family. They won't have my back when it comes to a fight with vampires or lawyers or something. But they're good for a nostalgic chat over lunch once or twice a year.

What will happen if you stop bending over backwards to do emotional labor for your mother?

Edit: I hit reply before I was ready. Anyway, I also wanted to say that you sound like such a loving, caring person who just wants to hold everyone together, you know? You seem like the one who glues the family together. But sometimes, doing that will hurt you too much and it's way too much pressure on one person. Like they say on airplanes, you have to put your own air mask on, before you put it on someone else.

I don’t have much to add here, except for this.

I was, and still am, in the same situation as you. But always remember that you have the right to say no to her, you have the right to protect yourself from her. I’ve had people say this to me a billion times a day when I was at my lowest point, when the situation at home has gotten so extreme that I can’t even handle, and you might be getting sick of hearing abbout it as well but-

It is not worth setting yourself on fire to keep other’s warm.

Your mother’s own lack of self-esteem and love for herself is her problem, not yours. While it doesn’t mean that you should just give her the middle finger and disappear off to Narnia or anything, if it gets to a point where it endangers your mental health (which it sounds like in your rant) only then you might as well hop on the Nope-train to Nope-Ville.

I don’t know, you might think that it sounds selfish of you, cruel even- that was what went through my mind everyday, even now- but even if you find yourself unable to believe what everyone said above, remember this: How can you take care of her when you can’t even take care of yourself?

It doesn’t matter what age you are right now, but if your mental and emotional state is not stable and comfortable for you then you have little to no business trying to act as a stress reliever for others. From what I can see, you are stressed, exasperated and utterly exhausted emotionally by her actions and with being the ‘positive driving force’ to her, and it is very much the time to take a break and get away from the drama.

To put it simply, don’t try to challenge the Boss Monster with 10/100 HP, no buffs, afk teammates and crap equips.