Forums » Smalltalk » Discomfort With Names

I very rarely go through introductions. Usually, I just sort of eventually pick up a person's name after hearing it several times, and my own name is generally only offered on request. Depending on the situation, I'll also provide different names. The first extra one was a false name for strangers (at bus stops, mostly). Another has become my public face since one of my jobs requires a pseudonym. I want to be clear that for what I'll be describing here, it does not matter which name I'm using. Even my username here will cause it.

I've been ending up more frequently in situations where people address me by name. Sometimes it's someone getting my attention, sometimes it's a client using it to feel connected, sometimes it's just someone mentioning me in passing. And I've been starting to notice that sometimes it's making me oddly uncomfortable, especially if they say it multiple times. (There is also a separate twinge when one of my fake names, something like guilt, but that is a separate thing.) The best I can figure is that it feels like demands are somehow being made of me, and the less I know the person, the more I want them to stop freaking saying my name. It's not really a significant issue, but it is something I've noticed, and it confuses me.

Does this sound familiar to anyone else? Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Omg, yes. When I was like eight or nine, I read A Wizard of Earthsea, and ever since then I had the haunting impression that anyone who used my name gained some kind of power over me. I've given my real name to only to a couple of my oldest online friends, and I love them as much as my tiny, shriveled heart would allow, but I still feel uncomfortable whenever they say "Hi [myname]!" when they email me.

It also happens to a lesser degree for usernames, which is why I slough usernames every other year. (I really want to change this one too. It's silly! It was supposed to be a penname for an erotica series that I eventually decided not to write. I cringe whenever I see it in the forums.)

Ugh, I get that. And the most aggravating thing is that in those "How to Win Friends" kinds of seminars, they really encourage you to use other people's names to get them to feel that you're closer. Back when I was on the phones at a call center, we were supposed to do it too, supposedly to get customers to calm down. So maybe it works for others?

But it does the exact opposite for me. If a stranger uses my name repeatedly, I mentally file them into "They went to one of those seminars and they're trying to make me feel like we're closer than we are" category.

I think maybe we're just really guarded about who we allow to get intimate with us?

Edited to add: And I guess it might depend on the situation as well as the person. If it's a truly intimate and vulnerable moment, then someone using my name and saying something nice would make me feel like a million dollars.

My name's Luke. I've heard the line "Luke I am your father" for so long. If I had a dollar for Everytime someone used that I swear I would be rich.

I don't mind it as much as long as people would actually use my name rather than weird pet names or nicknames... And say or spell my name right

I honestly don’t care if someone calls me by name even though I’m only called by certain nicknames (Which I have like a million thanks to my family) but as long as it doesn’t start to irritate me then I’ll go along with it

Lol, no I mean seriously, I'll get people I just met calling me little pet nicknames and stuff and it's really weird and uncomfortable.

Yeah most people want to call me "Lucas" when my actual name is Luke. My mom told me if I would of been a girl, she would of named me Lucy lol

I'm referred to by my middle name (Walden) by almost everyone. People who use my first name make me nervous, especially if I've never actually told them what it is. ::thinking

I'm obviously not a psychology major or anything like that, but it could have something to do with what we experienced as kids when our parents would say our names.

It's a little unrelated, but an example of name causing stress:
When I was younger, between 12 and 17-ish I would be listening to music, in silence, or running about doing things that made me happy and I would suddenly hear my mother calling my name. It would strike me with a huge amount of anxiety and I would suddenly go to my mom and see what she wanted, only to be told she never even said my name. I would hear her say my namerepeatedly through out the day, but she wasn't actually saying my name. It was my own anxiety and stress subconsciously using my mother's voice to say my name. This is caused by extreme duress from a parent making me feel absolutely like anything I did was getting me in trouble. I didn't even have to be moving, listening to anything, or be doing anything at all besides breathing and being awake to feel this stress and hear her saying my name.

I don't know what your parental life was like, but it could be something from your past child-hood basically making you feel stress when you hear your name and feel like something is being demanded of you when you're hearing your name.

Our name generally has a lot of power to it, because it is our 'title', kind of. I don't like people using my real name to address me, and instead ask people to call me Nile. Nile is a name that I gave to myself and I feel safest under it. I also feel safe under a nickname like Bean, which a couple of people still address me with and these names, because I chose them, make me feel safer and not so much like someone is demanding something from me, having power over me, or otherwise. It makes it so someone has to do what I've asked them to get my attention.

I still accept other nicknames; such as Nile Crocodile, or Neelay(weird pronunciation of Nile xD) and it has helped me deal with someone using a name to address me.

If someone uses my real name, for example; at work, my mother, my husband, or my friends that aren't online, I instantaneously feel a twinge of weird discomfort. It doesn't sound like it is my name. I don't dislike my real name, but I do feel that twinge with it.

Can you think of when this started to feel uncomfortable for you? Maybe there was something that happened in that time that definitely became a trigger for it? Have you tried creating your own "new name" for friends to call you that could make you more comfortable?

I can definitely understand being bothered when people use a nickname you dislike or without permission.

I have often wondered over that whole "names have power" thing, but mostly as a curiosity of where the concept came from. My theory is how parents can fill a kid with dread just by saying their name a certain way.

And yeah, it's weird when people you haven't told your name already know it. In my experience, it's actually weirder when they've read your name tag than when you can figure someone else you know told them.

It's rough when nasty stuff gets ingrained into us.

So far as I can tell, my issue with it is fairly recent. Thinking more on it though, I think I might be conflating multiple things. One is the whole "how to win friends" thing. I know that theory, and so with some, I kind of get the sense that they are attempting to manipulate me. I think that little guilt thing over using a false name may contribute more than I figured. And I think the rest might be an association I've made about people naming me to get my attention, usually to ask me to do something, whether it's a chore or just a hangout, or occasionally just that I need to listen to them (in this context, usually a boss has something to say that keeps me from something else, and it doesn't matter whether it's "You missed this" or "wow everything is great!" Someone identifying me by name means I specifically am being asked to put effort into something, and frequently it's an interruption from whatever I was doing.

At first, I thought "I am the exact opposite, I love when people use my name, because it gives me the feeling they are trying to get to know me," but then I realized...there IS one situation where it bothers me. Salesmen. When salesmen use my name it grates on my nerves. Especially car salesmen, but any kind. It's because I feel they're trying to create a false sense of intimacy in order to manipulate me. That thing. Also, oddly, when salesmen overuse the words "sir" and "ma'am," that bugs me too. But ordinarily I'm just the opposite. I crave intimacy and am OVERLY trusting if anything for some reason so I eat it up when people remember my name. I'm just the kind of person the "How to Win Friends and Influence People" seminars were made for. Perhaps that just means you're more cautious or discerning.

This is my favorite topic of tonight.

I will never give my name to anyone that I meet at school, at work, online, or even social events that I enjoy attending. I am a little obsessive about internet safety and general disconnection when it comes to social interaction. Experiencing someone using a name for me that they believe is true is somehow disconcerting in itself, which is its own problem.

But I think it stems from living alone and being allergic to dogs. Which, by itself, sounds very strange. I also see myself as a high risk individual, so I will give the smallest bit of information possible to connect with others. My hobbies paint their own image of me and can be used against me, so I use layers and layers of falsehoods to ensure a safe, online experience. Not only will I offer one obviously false name, but I will give another when pressed, one of the more common names of the area.

When the Internet was in the dial-up age, I was young and the Web was fascinating. I spent countless hours on chat sites and generally had a wonderful time talking with others. I was a very curious sort and asked a lot of questions. I ended up talking to a male, likely in his early 20s. He sent quite a few emails, wanting to know more about me and I wasn't very clever. I told him where I lived. After having a long discussion with my mother a few days later, I can't think of anything I feared more than having some stranger arriving at our house and attempting to forcefully remove me from the premise.

In my current years, I feel more comfortable with the amount of layers I have compiled. I have recently slowed my production of anonymous characters to answer interesting scene ads. That is my greatest personal achievement since I have been on the RPR.

With me it's more of a 'huh, what?' moment? Because the people in my life use it so freaking seldom now, that when it gets used it just catches me completely off-guard and I have to mentally catch up while momentarily putting aside what I was doing before. I hear my name and I'm suddenly like...oh crap, did I miss them saying something important? My memory is already not the greatest when it comes to what people have told me in person; the use of my name just adds another layer of momentary panic/confusion to it.

The only name I seem to go by anymore is "babe" lol.

I don't mind being called by one of my usernames. After all, my usernames were made up to be something that I think would be fun to hear. I also don't mind when someone who knows me calls me by one of my nicknames (my favorite being "death chick"). Aside from that though, I'm not fond of hearing my name. The only person who can say it without making me uncomfortable is my boyfriend.

I'm not protective of my first name, but I don't like it when people ask my last name. I haven't even told my boyfriend my last name. Part of why I don't share it has to do with privacy and safety, but for the most part it's because--to me--that name is completely meaningless. I tell people my last name when necessary, but beyond that I despite that name and feel no connection to it. I didn't have good relationship with my father, I don't like his side of the family, and I have no desire to be connected to those people in any way shape or form. Some day I'm going to throw that name in the mud.

I can put up with hearing my first name in day to day life but nothing grinds my gears more than when people try to give me the nickname, especially when they don't ask. Let me be clear about something. My name is Elizabeth. It's a long name, nicknames are expected, but don't ever try to call me Liz. That's what my father called me. I hate that name.