Forums » Smalltalk » Asexual Awareness Week

For those unfamiliar with asexuality, or who have heard of it and don't understand: it's okay, I know it can be pretty confusing. For one, it's hard to understand something if you don't experience it yourself. For two, there's a lot of conflicting information out there and a lot of misrepresentation. Yeah, when we get represented at all, it's often wrong or in a particular stereotyped way!

At it's core, a person who is asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. To put that into perspective, we are as into the same sex as a heterosexual person and as into the opposite sex as a homosexual person. We're not! At least, not sexually.

Please note that attraction is different from libido. While there are those who have little to no libido, more commonly aces have an undirected libido. In this sense, asexuality is simultaneously an orientation and a lack of orientation.

Action is not attraction. Aces may still choose to have sexual relations with a partner for a number of reasons, while others may want nothing to do with it.

Asexuality is not a choice. We are not choosing to abstain from sex. Plenty of aces aren't abstaining.

Asexuality is not a disorder. Yes, plenty of aces have various things that can affect the expression of sexuality - trauma, mental health troubles, neurodivergency, hormone issues, physical disability, etc. I am also of the opinion that since sexuality can change throughout a lifetime anyway, that those things can increase the chances of it changing a certain way, and that a person can become asexual. And for some, unfortunately, it's the best word they have even if it isn't quite accurate, and I'm not going to take that away from them. But none of these things appear in all aces, plenty of aces have none of these issues, and most aces can describe how they never felt sexual attraction, even before issues might have developed.

Most asexuals still experience romantic attraction. They do still want to have a (or a happy few) romantic partners, perhaps to kiss and cuddle and hold hands. Romantic attraction can be as varied as sexual attraction. (It can also be mismatched from sexual attraction! Romantic aces are an example, but so are, say, bisexual homoromantics who are sexually attracted to two or more genders, but only romantic bond with their own.) And even more aces still experience aesthetic attraction. We can totally recognize if someone is aesthetically pleasing, but it's the sort of draw you might have for a flower or a painting. (I got to explain to my aunt that I am attracted to Jason Mamoa in the same way I'm attracted to this drawing. )

We see sexuality as a spectrum, and we acknowledge that there are also people who experience sexual attraction so infrequently or under specific circumstances that there is a wide range of grey-aces, or grey-sexuals. That's the area that can get most confusing. One of the most common forms, though, is demisexuality - people who have a fully asexual experience until they form the right type of bond with someone.

There are also aromantic people. This gets recognized most in the ace community, but I don't think there's any good numbers on whether there are more asexual aromantics or allosexual aromantics (allosexual is just an umbrella term for all the folks who experience sexual attraction in a typical manner). Although aromantic is different from asexuality, there's a huge overlap in communities between the identifications, and usually aces will happily share spaces with them (like right here!).

If you have questions about this stuff and you can't find it through the link above or on AVEN, I welcome you to PM them to me, or to anyone else who offers. Please don't post your questions in the thread or PM anyone who doesn't express that they are open to questions. A lot of aces are super sick of them.

Hello, fellow cake-eater!

I'm going to keep saying "aces," but please know I am referring to the whole spectrum and including aromantics.

I'd like this topic to serve multiple purposes. Obviously, it's a "WE ARE HERE!" But I'd also like to have it so aces on RPR can get more familiar with each other. If you feel like sharing an experience - how you realized you're ace, what happened when (if) you came out, or just an incident that really illustrates your experience as an ace. It is okay to express some frustration, but I'd like to focus on positivity and awareness.

And if you're doing something for AAW, I'd love if you shared! Special blog post? Donning some extra asexy gear? Sharing a flyer? Awesome! If not, no worries, you are still valid and valued.

If you feel like contributing to knowledge about aces and are willing to fill out some forms, check this out! It's time for the annual Ace Community Census. Also, The Asexual Awareness Project is gathering data to create a book for service providers (like doctors and therapists) to help them better understand us.

An aside: if you are demisexual, please let me know if I can clarify something with you. I may have been describing it wrong in the past.

I've been pretty luck compared to some aces. At worst, I've had friends and family express confusion, but never really be jerks about it or get obsessed with trying to "fix" me.

I didn't realize I was asexual until I was 26. This is another point where I'm lucky: for the most part, I didn't feel like a weirdo about it. Instead, I thought everyone else was just being silly and hyperbolic! I remember being utterly confused in high school when a friend would go on about what a "great butt" some guy had, and trying to figure out how it differed from anyone else's, why it was supposedly more attractive in suit pants than in jeans, and generally just what was appealing about it at all. To me, it was just another body part, just one that had some immaturely amusing connotations. At my most self conscious point, I put up a photo of a male celebrity on my wall that I knew my friend appreciated and told myself that since I found it aesthetically pleasing, that meant I thought he was hot. (So yes, I faked it a little, too.)

When I "came out," it was after I'd been digging for awhile and was specifically so that I could help others to understand. I didn't expect my family to be upset anyway, and I had already decided that I didn't care, because it wasn't about it. In context, the sudden "we love you no matter what" I got from a few folks actually kinda weirded me out because the context made it seem like they didn't pay attention to what I actually said. Some others have come with questions in the years since, but never anything I haven't prepared myself for, and they are usually polite enough to first ask if it's okay to ask some questions. I also remember that one of the first people I told had a particularly interesting response: she asked me if it was a big deal, and the way my silly brain initially took that was actually really deflating at the time, but I understood what was meant. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm sure she would happily have celebrated with me (or reassured me) if I'd asked, since I know for a fact that she is supportive.

One of the ways things have been interesting more recently has been with one of my jobs. I am a professional cuddler, and after some debate with myself over my concern of being seen as "selling" my asexuality, I decided to include it in my profile. And I'm glad I did! I have been approached by new and old clients alike, some simply with questions, but many who express feeling they, too, are ace, and are glad to have someone to discuss it with or who they feel more comfortable with.

And if anyone is interested in my ridiculous mouthful of labels: I presently identify as asexual, romantically heteroflexible, and aroflux. Yes, I am willing to explain any of that.