Forums » Smalltalk » How do ppl feel about terms of endearment?

I was curious how different people feel about terms of endearment-- using them, having them used towards you, etc. There's a thread about names on here and it reminded me of how people react differently to different things. And I've noticed lately that I react differently in different circumstances, but I can't figure out exactly why.

What I mean by Terms of Endearment (ToE) is words like:

"sweetie, hon, honey, darling, love, mate, buddy," etc.

So...here's what I am basically wondering:

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?


Ok, I'll start.


1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?

Yes. I am not very good at doing it, but with people that I do use them with, I enjoy it. It doesn't come naturally to me.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it uncomfortable?

It depends. I almost always like it, in fact I really appreciate it, but I have found that it depends. Weirdly, some people can do it in their very first conversation with me, and it's charming. But then other people can do it with me, and it kind of makes alarm bells go off. I don't know what the difference is between the two.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?

Yes. For me, it does. Almost any female can use a term of endearment with me, and I love it, but with guys, it depends on the person. I have to already feel comfortable with them as a person. And then, it gets really specific which terms of endearment don't bother me. And it can be two equally nice people, but the levels of comfort are different--which makes no sense, and it kind of bothers me that it bothers me, if that makes sense. I think confidence level and level of casualness has something to do with it, but I don't know. It's weird. Trying to figure it out!

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?

Not usually. Usually, people can use a ToE immediately and it's all good for me, and I love it, but again, occasionally that's not true.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?

Hmmm. I think the term "honeybear" is really annoying. Because it's too cutesy. Versions of the word "sweetheart" -- I tend to think those sound sweet and I like those. The world "darling" is even better because it has kind of old-fashioned ring to it. The term "sweatpea" is freaking cute even though I see why people might think it is cheesy.

Now...this whole thread was probably cringeworhy for some people because it's too cutesy lol if it was...sorry! Haha

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?
If I talk to someone frequently/have become frequent aquatiences at the least, I will probably call them 'dear' 'dearie' 'hun' at some point.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
If I've been talking to them for a bit, see them around and reply to them and they reply to me, yeah I'm okay with it so long as it's not every single sentences. I prefer 'hun' or 'dear' as opposed to full on 'sweetheart'. I'm fine with 'sweetheart' if it's someone I have genuinely bonded with and am friends with OOC but not just someone I talk to occasionally.



3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?
Yes. It might be a crap thing to say but... Despite the fact that I am bisexual, I'm more likely to feel uncomfortable if masculine presenting people and cis men call me terms of endearment. This is because I have an experience where cis men espeically tend to only call me "hun" "dear" "sweetie" "babe" to either 1. patronize me, 2. pity me, 3. flirt.

I don't get the same...vibe when cis women and feminine presenting people do it. It feels friendly, and caring, and rarely ever feels, predatory or patronizing, or sad, like it can with cis men and masculine presenting people. (Not saying this is their intention, just what it can feel like due to experience with this being others intentions in the past.)

Now, I DO have friends on here that are cis men and masculine presenting people that call me 'hun' 'dear' and what not, but I've gotten to know them enough and feel safe talking to them enough, to not feel uncomfortable and know they aren't patronizing me or flirting. It has happened with a guy friend of mine that I felt he was patronizing me before and I called him on it and it was figured out. But yeah it takes longer for me to be comfortable with masculine presenting people in general with ToE than feminine presenting people.


4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?
The above answers this in a sense.
Yes.
I need to know some people more closely than others.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?


Hate:
babe
love


Enjoy:
Hun/Honey
Dear

Love:
I really love terms of endearment that are a mixture of a nickname and a term of endearment that just sorta happened somehow and no one is sure but it's now your name.

examples:

Bug
Peaches
Juice

Awww! I like that last bit. And all of it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it. You and I are much the same on some of this.

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?

I tend to avoid it, mainly because I am not sure if they would be okay with it. Typically, if I use those terms on here, it's to try and help someone, or if I'm messing around in PM's. In RL, however, I use them a lot.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?

Yes. Yes. Yes!!!!!!! Hit me up with them!

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?

Kinda sorta. I'm more than okay to have girls call me nicknames. Some certain guys can call me that, like my friends' older brothers that I'm close with. My boyfriend is definitely okay to do so. But guys I'm not close with, I can be a little weirded out. I'll take it, but mentally, I'll be trying to figure out if they're flirting with me.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?

Answer above.
5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?
Hate:
- Boo
- Bae
- Any sort of term that my age class uses today. I despise them.
- Dearest
- Darling (there are some exceptions to this one)

Love:
- Love
- Sweetheart
- Babydoll (reserved for my mother only!)
- Freckle-face (reserved for my aunt)
- Hon
- Sweetie

Nicknames I love:
- Cheese
- Duck (long story behind that one)
- BB
- BB-8 (also a long story)
- Mesh'la
- Whatever people can give me

Haha! We. Are. So alike.

They are! Lol I'm kidding, I'm kidding, Idk if they are.

Oh, yeah, I don't like those two either! Except for Bae I like some, because a neat person on here who's screen name is BooksAreBae, and I couldn't help but think that one is clever!


Awwww. I love it.

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?
I usually don't! I don't really have anything against it, but I'm just more comfortable saying 'friend' or using a person's name. ToE feel really intimate to me and I typically reserve them for significant others.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
If people do it without asking me, it immediately adds a level of discomfort for me. It's a matter of consent and respect for me personally, although I understand it can be a cultural thing too. If I don't expect it, it throws me off really bad really fast.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?
I want to say no, but yes. My personal experience is that (cis) men only use these terms if they're interested in me sexually. Women and non-cis men typically do it because they're interested in me platonically, which feels very different and less creepy overall.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?
A lot! I'm more likely to decline being called ToE by strangers than close friends.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?
'Hon' and 'honey'. It's the term men use most when they want something from me but tend to be disrespectful about my boundaries, so I very strongly associate it with negative experiences.

Interesting! Thanks for giving your perspective. I notice that you don't, even though you do write a bunch of messages that convey care, so I figured it was out of an abundance of caution to avoid crossing someone else's boundaries without realizing it, or to avoid being misunderstood. But your answer highlighting the fact that ToE feel more or less intimate to different people (some only using them for S.O.'s, and some using them with strangers) -- I find that so interesting. And important to know! Lol.

Sometimes, in the past, I have used a ToE and wondered if I was creeping the other person out. I hate wondering...but at the same time, imagining specifically asking someone for permission to use a term of endearment with them -- I can't imagine myself doing it. It would feel so awkward. Of course, better than creeping someone out, though. Hmmm. I usually try to mind-read lol. I try to detect whether they get more distant or less distant after I use a term of endearment and whether they use one in return to figure out whether or not it's welcome, but I feel that's a totally unreliable method. Maybe it wouldn't be awkward as I think to ask someone how they feel about certain terms.

Anyway...the main time I find myself wanting to use a ToE with friends (as opposed to my S.O.) is when someone is saying something to me that expresses vulnerability or insecurity. And then, it's like, it's like I want to add an extra punch of acceptance and okayness to whatever I say next, to try to let them know that it was okay to express that--that they are still seen as loveable or positively by me. Example: "sorry, I know that RP response was kind of weird. I can change it." Then I want to be like, "No, sweetie, it was great! I love weird! Normal is boring." Anyway...stuff like that. So that's why, in that situation it feels intimate, sort of, but like as a way to draw someone closer because they think you don't like something about them even though you do. So it's interesting...that's the situation it comes naturally to me in -- all other situations, it's hard for me to work them in naturally even if I am trying (like if they use one and I'm trying to use one back). Anyway...I am just rambling at this point! Thanks for answering this Sanne!

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?
I do, yes, but only with a select few - and all of them are people I spend time with IRL, and are my close friends. Like my spotter in Aerial Art class. She keeps me from (literally) breaking my neck, so she's my boo.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
If it's people I know well, then I'm usually okay with it. If it's strangers, then it's a hard no from me.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?
I wish I could say no to this, but it actually does affect my comfort level with ToE. I'm more inclined to be uncomfortable if it's men, but it also very much depends on which words they'd use. Like, it'd be uncomfortable for me to have a male friend(or stranger, for that matter) call me honey. Polite pass on that one.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?
Absolutely, only rather close friends gets to use ToE and nicknames with me.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?
There are some, yes, but they're all in my native language. Like, our version of "honey" makes me cringe a little, because it's been used far too much in popular culture. Luckily, my partner feel the same, so neither of us use it.

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?

Yes i allmost always start comversations with “ello luv” if it is with one ive spoken to more than a few times and i call all my friends luv, sweets, beautiful.. i cant help it it just happens naturaly.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
I enjoy it yes, tho it happens less often than i myself use them.
3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE? Yes, not a single male friend i have weather it be rp or chat or irl has or will ever call me any term of endearment nor do i use any with them, just females i do not know why other than i tend to not assoicate with many males due to my own personal reasons.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it? Yes

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones? I love well most of them but donot use much past- dear or hun unless i know the person very well

(I originally wasn't going to respond to this, but after reading through, I kinda wanted to)

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?

For me personally, I've found that it's not something I so much enjoy..? As it is just part of my personality, although I usually try pretty hard not to weird people out or make them uncomfortable. And I don't use them a ton but enough so it's a part of my regular conversation at some point.
I even put it on me profile lol...
It's never a flirtatious thing, anything I tend to do affectionately, is never flirtatiously. So even rp-ing like *Pounces on and hugs Abigail* or *Blushes and smiles up at Beldesia* is never meant flirtatiously. Although I am told I'm a naturally flirtatious person, but I never mean it that way...
To me it doesn't really matter who the person is, what their gender is, or how old they are.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?

It depends on the person and how they use it, if it's used in a casual, platonic or playful way, I don't mind. And again... it depends on the person, some can just start right off the bat, and it's fine, others feel more comfortable if they wait until we get to know each other better.
But if someone is flirting with me or calls me babe, or baby, or anything I'd feel is reserved for an SO... I get really uncomfortable. And I usually find a polite way to leave the conversation.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?

Not particularly, gender isn't that important to me unless I'm looking for a significant other.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?

Yes, it can, but it's based more on my comfort level with someone rather than how well I know them, because I tend to keep people at a distance if I can.


5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?

I usually seem to use certain terms of endearment for certain people. For example...
A younger girl or guy than I, I tend to call "Sweetie, sweetheart, love, buddy, hun, pumpkin, girly...ect"
Someone older, I often tend to refer to as "Dear, honey, pal, beautiful" or "Sis, sissy" and "bro" occasionally I use other more random and silly terms, if I'm feeling goofy that is...
With people older than me though... I tend to use terms of endearment less unless I really like them (as a friend).
"Babe, baby, boo...ect" is reserved for my SO only.
I dislike sticky sweet names like "honeybear" or "booboo" or anything like that...
I like original nicknames, such as... "Miss Giggles" or "Pumpkinnuts" funny story those, but for another time.
Anyhow... I went on longer than I intended and now I'm feeling a bit embarrassed... So later!

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?
No, at least not the traditional ones, whenever I approach someone starting off, it's very formal and even as I become more comfortable with them it may take time for me to come up with a customized nickname for them that they like. I'm personally only fine with using traditional terms of endearment with my S.O.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
I tolerate it unless someone is actively patronizing me or flirting, which even then may take me a while to figure out by tone reading. I only like it if they are terms made the same way I do, tailoring the term personally to me which I enjoy personally.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?
No, I've had both males and females use them casually and in a manner that crept me out, especially online. All that matters to me is how people use them and whether or not they comply with a direct request to not use them if I ask them to.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?
Yes. If someone I just met starts with the ToE I recoil a little but it's a clear sign to me that it's just something common they do with everyone. I only actively vocalize my discomfort if it's a nickname I actively hold distaste towards. If they're friends it's just a reflection of comfort to me unless of course they get all flirty which makes it off-putting.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?
I absolutely can't stand it if someone calls me babe, it's been the most common one whenever someone starts flirting with me even when they're being persistent due to ignoring me or acting like I'm the one full of myself. As I've mentioned before, anything original I will enjoy.

Haha! I loved reading this. I'm glad you decided to post after all.

Yay for the bandwagon!

Thanks for sharing your perspective! Yeah, I forgot about the word babe. You know that's one of the few for me that sounds kinda annoying for some reason even I usually like them all. Even though I like the Sonny and Cher song. For those old enough to have heard that song before.

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC? Not unless I know someone really well. If I know people I tend to give them silly nicknames or little in jokes happen, so there are people online I refer to as "wife!" and similarly silly things. However i'd never do it for a stranger, it's too familiar.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable? If I know them well then maybe, but it depends on the relationship. My very close friends often call me things like "hon" and i'm mostly okay with that but I have to restrain the urge to actually punch strangers when they do the same. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to have that level of familiarity and I find it a bit... dehumanising almost and presumptuous. There's something to me, very seedy about a complete stranger, especially a man, calling someone they don't know "honey" or "darling" or "petal" or whatever and it feels creepery and sort of... yeah, perverted. I don't like it, it makes me grumpy. Online it makes me feel like you're mocking me because calling someone you don't know "sweetheart" or "pet" or whatever feels very belittling.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE? Sort of. See above. Though I did once nearly smack a woman because she called me "Pet". So uh... yeah. I HATE being called things like that and I wonder if it's a cultural thing. In my home country people just don't do that, but here in the UK, especially the north, it's really normal and i'm seen as weird for finding it belittling and agrivating. A guy calling you by a pet name is more pervy than a woman though. A woman calling another woman a TOE is more mocking to my perception, while a guy doing it is more like catcalling.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it? Definitely. My husband calls me all sorts of things and it doesn't bother me at all, one of my very close friends calls me "hon" all the time. But these are people i've known for many many years and as a result they ARE familiar. Using a term of endearment is inherently familiar, and if you aren't familiar with the person it just... isn't right.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones? Pet. I HATE pet. It's dehumanising. Pet, as in, an animal, a small cute thing to own and control. *shudder* Ooo I HATE Pet. HAAAATE it. Sweetheart is another but that's more dependent on the people using it. My own mother calling me sweetheart is fine, some creepy old guy on a train? Hell no.

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?
Not really. Exceptions would be the incidental use of 'hun' or 'dear', which I sometimes use to emphasize something isn't a big deal. Say someone frets about not posting fast enough, a 'Don't worry, hun', to me feels a little softer than just a 'don't worry about it'. I dunno, text is weird.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
Doesn't bother me for the most part. It's when they're used patronizingly, however, that my blood boils instantly.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?
Nope. You can call me 'bro' for all I care.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?
Not really. If someone uses terms like 'sweetie' or 'dearie' a lot, for instance, I usually just assume that that is simply how they speak.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?
I like 'dear'. It can make things sound a lot more kind but it's still pretty neutral. No particular ones that come to mind that I hate.

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?
Not exactly. I rarely use them, and when I do, it's mostly jokingly/with light hearted sarcasm.
If I'm actually angry I don't, but when I'm mocking someone (I'm aware I shouldn't...) I often go for "dear".

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
Not at all. I take it to be condescending and mocking about 90% of the time even if the context of it doesn't really add up.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?
Certainly. I've found like many others before me, that males tend to only use ToE when being condescending or flirting - neither of which I appreciate, the first not needing explanation and the second because I find it creepy (online) when someone tries to flirt with me since, from my experience, teenage boys don't really do that....So yeah.
Women on the other hand, I can pass off as more friendly (although I still don't like when a stranger calls me any sort of ToE) it feels more deserving of the benefit of the doubt.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?
Definitely, without a doubt. Strangers saying it makes me defensive/uncomfortable, if a girlfriend of mine calls me that I'm completely fine with it.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?
Likes: Dear, Hon, Dearie, Sweetie,

Dislikes: Girly, Boo, Baby, Babe, Bae, Bb,

Ohhh, I wanna reply! Answering questions is my jam.
“Terms of endearment” isn’t quite right for the words I like to use! Nicknames and friendly vocatives might be more accurate. But yeah, I enjoy it a lot! My mom used zillions of vocatives toward me and my sister while we were growing up, and I guess I just picked it up from her. I’m actually more comfortable using them than I am using proper names.
In general, yes! If someone nicknames me or uses a nice sweet vocative, it warms me to my cockles. There are times when, for reasons real or imagined, their use strikes me as being condescending - but I never mean them that way, so I try to give other people the benefit of the doubt and assume they don’t, either.
If you mean “does a gendered ToE/nickname/vocative bother me,” no - everything’s fine, more or less. I’ll take anything from “missy” to “bro”.

If you mean “does the gender of the person using the ToE affect my comfort”... eh, that’s more complicated! Sometimes, is the answer. If a guy does it, I just have to make sure they’re not being flirtatious or condescending. THAT makes me uncomfortable. But neutral or friendly? Fine! If a lady does it, I have to be sure it’s not ascerbic or backhanded. As long as it’s not an insult - all good!
Only insofar as it affects my ability to ascertain their intentions/mood! In general, nah.
Yes!

Like:
Friend/friendo; mon frere; capitane; kid/kiddo; punk; sweet pea (and most flower-based dealies); pumpkin (and most fruit-based dealies); and, for your entertainment, some of the ones my mom used that weren’t too bad or that made me laugh: booger/boog, goober, turkey, peanut, missy-pants

Straddling the line:
Sweetheart; dear; darling

Dislike:
Honey/hon/hun, sweetie (the most common ones! But also the ones people have used most often to indicate that they are angry!); sir/madam/ma’am; beautiful/lovely/gorgeous/cutie (anything that references physical appearance); baby/babe

1. Do you enjoy using terms of endearment with people OOC?
No, I’m not the type of person to use them either online or in person. Occasionally I call my fiancée “wife” or “love,” and I use them with my pets, but that’s it.

2. Do you like it when people you know use terms of endearment OOC when addressing you, or is it just uncomfortable?
Unless they’re someone I know personally and am quite close with, I find it kind of awkward and uncomfortable.

3. Does gender affect comfort level with ToE?
Guys calling me “sweetheart” or other romantic-affectionate terms sets off a red flag in my mind. It’s nothing personal, I’m just...anxious.

4. Does how well you know somebody affect your comfort level with it?
Absolutely. If I don’t know you well, and especially if we’re only online acquaintances, I’d prefer that ToE not be used with me.

5. Are there certain terms of endearment you hate, and certain terms of endearment you love? Which ones?
Generally I don’t like the romantic-affection kind of ToE. I like silly ones though, or made-up in-words. Also “sweet summer child.”