Forums » Smalltalk » How do you control your anger?

I don't normally like to talk about these kinds of things through the internet, especially among a lot of stranger I don't even know but I'm getting desperate for help at this point and I don't know what to do.

I've had anger issues for a long time and have had random fits throughout my life, especially times where I'm stressed or my mental health is spiralling like it is now, and to this day I've never found a good way to channel it all in way that gets me to actually calm down. All I do is punch or kick a wall, sometimes even bang my head against it which obviously isn't a good and healthy way but it's practically a habit to me by now that I want to break out of so badly. I've tried other alternatives like punching a pillow but it's never the same, and painting which would normally help me relax in a different situation just frustrates me more when I can't get something right.

I need help. I need healthy, safe ways to channel my anger fits instead of just letting it all bottle up only for it to get out of control later on. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Sorry to hear about this I dont know if this will help, but maybe you could just scream into a pillow? That helps me sometimes.

Deep breaths, nice smelling candles, relaxing video games, or just some plain funny youtube videos. That's how I relax.

Hmm, I'm not the best person to be answering this, but I'll try to give it a shot.

My father had a lot of anger issues, and I kind of inherited them. But since I already had two volatile males in the family when I was a kid, I was only allowed to express my rage through tears and withdrawal. There was no way I could out-shout my dad and my brother, lol. So now I have all this quiet, seething rage which I mainly let out through writing. But anyway, that's all just prologue to let you know that I do have some anger issues myself, so I feel ya.

Here are some thoughts I had for you.

1. definition
Your anger is not you. You may have an angry, little creature inside you that throws tantrums once in a while, but it does not control you. Here is a rage-kitty for reference. I'm not saying your anger looks like a badly-drawn feline, it's just that cats are an easy metaphor. They can't be completely reined in all the time, but you can adjust things around the house so the cat would stop knocking your stuff over. If your anger is a creature, what does it look like? Where in your physical body does it roam? (A tight knot in your back, a weight on your chest, etc.)

2. history/etiology
What created that anger? Is there a specific incident from your past that you have to deal with? A person? A recurring situation that needs to be fixed? Emotions are important because they might show us if there's something that needs to be changed. Anger is a very strong, energetic emotion. It can help you break out of situations you don't need to be in.

3. expression
You mentioned that the anger can't be satisfied with painting because you get frustrated when things don't look right. How about just stabbing the paper with a brush? How about trying to describe the anger itself in a painting? Remember your little rage-creature. Remember its location in your body. Then try to channel it out, though your arm, onto whatever medium you're using. If indoor activities won't work, go for a run or a brisk walk! It's exhilarating and it will tire your anger out.

All this said, I am not a therapist and I have never been trained. These are just little visualizations that have worked for me. I hope at least a bit of it helps you too.

Habit is a thing with anger. Despite all the things saying to let it out, to go ahead and punch a pillow or scream or whatever... those are extremely short-term tactics that research has actually shown to be problematic. Your body and brain do get used to having a particular outlet, and if that outlet is taken away, the problem gets worse and you become more likely to hurt yourself or someone else. More short-term experiments have shown that "harmless" violence also keeps your stress hormones going, keeping you angry and vengeful longer than if you were to just sit quietly.

That's not to say that bottling it up is better. There is a difference between bottling it and processing it quietly.

You mentioned painting not working out. What about writing? Sometimes, when I'm really upset about something, I'll start writing it down. Sometimes I'm writing it as a message to explain to the offending party why I'm upset. Sometimes, I'm writing it as a rant. Once in awhile, I'll actually share it. Usually, I won't, because simply writing it down (especially if I'm writing it at the person) will force me to think about what happened and to reframe my thoughts.

Now, I would actually recommend discussing the things you write down with a therapist. They can help you better reframe your thoughts. This is important because, a lot of times, calming down can feel a little gross, like you're somehow letting yourself down. A therapist should be able to help you get rid of that and be more at peace - or help you better recognize if someone in your life is actually being toxic and should be cut out of your life.

I recommend writing. Writing the situation and how you feel, with plenty of cuss words lol. If I can explain what's ticking me off, usually I feel like I've "gotten it out." Or talking to people/venting.

Seeing how I'm a singer/songwriter, I usually write down what I'm feeling. Or I will listen to music. Or I will talk it out with someone. Everyone has their own way of doing things. Just try some of these or just try and find what best works for you.

Knowing my warning signs and changing course before things get worse.

As for you, ask yourself if maybe these fits aren't as random as you think: even if you're angry by nature, your mention of "times where I'm stressed" and "letting it all bottle up" suggest there are things you could control. Stresswise your profile says you're in a big theater rehearsal and maybe that's how it is for now, but you definitely should not bottle up anger ever. You already know it doesn't work. That said, you obviously can't function in society if you vent at everything, so as always moderation is key.

My suggestion would be to look for (and capitalize on) the spots in your life where you can make venting work. If something is bothering you and you can say so, say so. If you have five minutes to blast your favourite tune, go for it. Etc. It may never be pretty, but controlled burns are a lot easier to handle than a wildfire. Best of luck.

Might sound like a completely "out there" suggestion, but consider taking some horseback riding lessons. Horses have a way of giving immediate feedback and really pick up on their rider's stress. They force you to be "in the moment" more than anything else I've experienced in my life and respond best to firm, but gentle assertion, looking to you to be the leader.

I know it's no immediate fix to the problem, but practicing that state of mind when you're not angry starts to form that new habit.

Plus, it's fun.

Thank you all for your kindness and suggestions! Since writing seemed to be common answer I attempted it and at first I went in full of doubt that it would work but it actually helped me to realise how much I was actually bottling up. It did give me a step in the right direction to healthier ways of coping with anger and hopefully I'll remember it for the future.

My response:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5Wi4ALAEyI

And now you have officially been given a special place in my heart with that one video my dude.

Aww, I'm flattered.

I've found writing to be helpful. Not necessarily journaling, but just writing. I tend to put a random character through whatever I'm feeling, and write my way to a proper solution.

I've also found gentle music to be helpful. Or ASMR, as weird as it sounds...I would recommend Goodnight Moon ASMR or SophieMichelle Asmr. Those I have found to be incredibly helpful.

Or, if you have essential oils on hand! Lavender is such a blessing. (Expensive, but honestly worth it.)

Hope this helps!

Long story short, I'm from an emotionally stunted family. Very angry, depressed, vengeful, passive aggressive, etc. I've been where you are, it sucks! I can relate to kicking stuff. Sometimes I still do those things.

What helped me: finding a therapist who does guided meditation, going to the gym, running, eliminating processed foods. (When I had a garage I had a heavy bag and it helped so much, but I live in an apartment and don't have one.) I got a normal alarm clock and leave my phone in my living room overnight. Take a bath/shower about an hour before bed, then read a book until I get kinda tired. I usually journal every night or every few days; definitely on the bad days, though. I stopped listening to angry music and started doing chill / upbeat stuff.

I still get angry sometimes -- I work with a guy who sets me off sometimes, but he does it to everything so it isn't just me. Things that helped me the most though, in-person guided meditation and running. I put my headphones on and run all my frustration and negativity out.