Forums » Smalltalk » What would you change about yourself?

I'll start. My height. I'm 5 feet tall. The amplifiers in the band are bigger than me.

If it had to be just one thing, I'd definitely say my weight. I hate being overweight and it doesn't help my self-confidence. I understand overtime I can change this, but it's a lot harder for me due to my health condition :,(

However, I'd definitely like to change more than that: my weight, my skin, my acne, my hands, and my scars.

Hmm, what I would like to change is my natural hair color. I want it black. I hate having to dye it that shade all the time. It's so time consuming. Right now it looks like the color of Asuna Yuuki's from SAO 'cause I'm so sick of doing it. That's my natural color.

I am a bit too superstitious to say I would change anything about myself, but if I was going to say that, I would say my lack of certain social skills.

Also maybe lose weight

I'd add a couple zeros to the end of my bank account balance...

Sooooo much.

My voice. It has the weirdest country twang embedded in something of a slight rasp. I used to have an entirely country accent, (think Dolly Parton!) but learned to hide it years ago. If I could have a new voice, I would like it to be along the lines of Scarlett Johansson's.

Lose a bit of weight in my face. It's not that bad, but pictures of me are not flattering, especially when zoomed in on my face.

Gain a little more muscle in my legs.

Get rid of that annoying pudge at my stomach - I know all girls have it, but I would like to not look pregnant in fitted dresses!

Thicker hair!

Honestly, I'd improve my self-confidence and self-motivation so I was better at looking for jobs.

I don't have the best self-confidence.

Also I'm fat.

My voice.

My entire life a great deal of the pain and trouble i've had has stemmed from being able to talk.

I have dyspraxia, which is probably actually misdiagnosed Aspergers (girls often DO get a dyspraxia diagnosis instead due to good ol' fashioned sexism) and as a result I have a lot of sensory issues and also very poor ability to control the tone and volume of my own voice. I genuinely cannot tell if i'm speaking too loudly and the more comfortable I am, the happier I am, the louder I become (apparently).

on top of this I have an accent that marks me as "foreign" and "other" which isn't ideal in the world we currently live in. It means I stand out all the more, this loud, annoying foreigner.

as a child to handle situations that caused me massive anxiety my pressure valve was the scream, earning me the ever "inventive" nickname of "screamer". the other kids found it great sport to try to set me off and make me howl, so they picked on me relentlessly, touched me knowing I hated being touched, goaded me, generally were just absolute jerks.
They were never told to stop, instead I was told I should "just stop screaming" (yeah because you can just stop having a meltdown, mm hmm)

as I got older I got a bit better at controlling that part of myself, the tics and the other really obvious wierdness, but I never quite managed to control my stupid voice.

and so even into adulthood I regularly get both family members shushing me and strangers actually verbally attacking me in the street or on public transport for nothing more than existing.

It happened again today. I was sitting on the train with my family, I wasn't even talking much. A guy at the other end of the carriage was singing and whooping, but he wasn't the problem. I was the problem.
A group of four people got up and moved to another carriage but before they left one of them felt he absolutely HAD to make sure I knew it was MY FAULT. He started ripping into me, telling me I was inconsiderate and selfish and how dare I speak so loudly.
I cried the whole way home.
Not a single person said another word to me. Not a single person even acknowledged me. They were all thinking the same thing. "Loud cow deserved that."
weren't they?

And if it were an isolated incident maybe it wouldn't effect me so badly, but it wasn't. This happens a lot. It happens far far too often. I get yelled at and abused by complete strangers because I dared to speak. Because I didn't realise I was talking loudly. Because I was happy.

so yeah. If I could change one thing? I'd snip my stupid vocal cords and never speak again.

I'm so tired of it happening. It makes me hate myself and nothing seems to work to stop it. I cannot help it, and I can't stop being ME. And that's why I think it hurts as much as it does, because i've tried for so many years to not stand out, to control my weird. I try so hard to be good and kind and considerate but it's not enough, because as soon as I open my mouth people immediately hate me.

Even the man i'd been chatting to politely on the train today didn't say a damn word after I started to cry. He wouldn't even look at me.
One man even took to just staring at me.

every time this happens nobody says a thing. Not even my husband. Everyone just falls silent and lets me sob quietly in a corner, back in my place, knowing i'm not ALLOWED to be happy or comfortable anywhere. Knowing I should just shut up and never speak again.

so yeah. That's what i'd like. To either be mute or to have volume regulation, to be able to tell. Hell, just a neurotypical brain might be nice. My stupidly wired crappy brain has caused me nothing but misery and ostricised me my entire life. I'm sick of it.

Oof, I'm 5 feet as well.

But, what'd I'd change about myself is probably my mental state? I'm constantly going through this cycle of being fine for about a week or two and then back to constant anxiety and depression for another month. I miss out on everything.

And comparing myself to others. I have a lot of issues with thinking little of myself, which I'll admit that I do.

I would change the fact that I get so mad so quickly these days. When my mom passed away, I shut down and let more anger in. The sweet kind and friendly person I once was had been buried deep inside somewhere. I would chang, if I could, the day my mom passed away because I wouldn't had gotten so mad and angry and turn into something or someone I'm not. I'm still a nice guy and all.

Id just not exist, then id have no need to change anything🤷🏻‍♀️....

But if i had to choose it would be nice to be happy...for once in my life. I dont even know how id do that but i would sure like to change my misery.

And maybe not be manic depressive? And also have maybe just one more friend like my bestie..sence shes moving away i need another person i can be THAT close with...probably wont happen but oh well.

I'd like to change this habit I have of procrastinating. I just need to get my nose down and get things done.